This is another standard "Suboshi angsts about drugging Amiboshi"
fic I came up with after watching some of episode 40. Not much to say
here, except it's pretty angsty.

[Fushigi Yuugi and its characters belong to Watase Yuu, I'm just borrowing
them for awhile. This is an extremely angsty fic, so if you're put off by
angst, don't read any further. It also contains spoilers for up to episode
40 of the FY TV series.]

~

He's gone.

Not just missing. This time, he's really and truly gone.

Why?

Because of me. Because I'm an ungrateful, worthless little bastard.

It's late at night, and I can't stop thinking about everything that
happened earlier today. It's freezing, and the cold stings me as I sit
outside against a rock.

Earlier today, I saw my brother again after he'd been missing for weeks.
He'd been presumed dead, and we'd been trying to get the Shinazo so we
could summon Seiryuu without him there.

But today, there he was. Bleeding and in pain from various torture
inflicted on him by that sick freak, Tomo.

After I'd gotten rid of the bastard, I ran to my brother and held him in
my arms. I was so happy to see him again.

But at the same time, I was hurt that he'd been alive all this time and
didn't bother to come back!

He said he wanted me to come with him back to the village, where he'd been
living with his adoptive parents.

And he'd actually been trying to help Suzaku no Miko and her seishi!

Maybe that's why I did it. I was so hurt that he'd not only come back to
us, but he was helping the enemy miko.

I hate her. It's her fault that Yui-sama was raped and abandoned.

My feelings were a mess. My brother, getting revenge, Yui-sama...

He gave me the juice of Forgetfulness leaves, and I accepted it...for
about a second.

In the end, I chose revenge. I pressed my lips to Amiboshi's and gave him
the drug.

"Forgive me, aniki. But I love Yui-sama," I'd said.

Yui-sama.

I do love her. I'd do anything for her.

But I went too far.

Hours later, I can still hear myself tell my brother that I love Yui-sama
more than I love him.

He's gone.

His body is here, but he's no longer the same person he was hours ago.

He's now an innocent boy living in Makan village with his adoptive
parents. He has no brother.

He has no memory of ever having a brother.

I cried so much when Nakago told me aniki was dead the first time around.
I literally felt like a part of myself had been torn away, never to be
replaced...

Now he really is gone.

And I can't bring myself to cry.

I'm afraid if I cry...I'll never be able to stop.

I love Yui-sama. And I'd still do anything for her.

But no matter how strong my feelings are for her, I've realized too late
that she's no replacement for aniki.

It IS my responsibility to stay here and protect Yui-sama, to help summon
Seiryuu.

'Forgive me, aniki. But I love Yui-sama.'

But no. I couldn't even give him that as a reason.

I'm such a bastard.

Aniki...

Why?

Why was I such a bastard? How could I choose a girl I've only known a
couple months over my own brother?!

I did it for his own good, I guess. He's better off living a peaceful life
instead of fighting in a war. He's too good for this...and I couldn't
stand to let him be hurt anymore.

I do love him. more than anything.

If only I'd told him this before I'd abandoned him! Why didn't I just
tell him this, that I was concerned for his safety?! Why did I use
Yui-sama as an excuse?!

If only...I could go back in time, accept his offer...or at least let him
go back to Makan village and given him a more proper farewell...

But the damage is done. I can't turn back time.

Never again will I see his smile. Hear his voice. Feel his embrace.

I'll live out the rest of my life filled with regret and self-hatred.
Forever remembering the sound of his voice, the image of him collapsing in
my arms after I slipped him the drug...

The way he looked at me before he collapsed...

'S...Suboshi...'

Oh Gods, I feel like I'm going to cry...I can't...if I start now, I'll
never be able to stop...

I've got to be strong...

'Suboshi...'

'Forgive me, aniki. But I love Yui-sama.'

I can't...I must not cry...

As I tell myself over and over again I won't cry, I feel rain on my face.

Strange...I didn't sense it was going to rain.

Then I realize it's warm, and I taste the salt on my lips.

I give up, my tears flowing freely as I bury my face in my hands.

I don't care if I never stop crying.

The one person who mattered the most to me in this world is gone. Now
nothing matters anymore.

~End~

Suboshi: *angst* *angst* *angst* *many angsty moments*

^_^;;; Nevermind that. But yes, this WAS pretty angsty, wasn't it?
;_; I actually cried a little while writing the last lines. ^^; Episode 40
was even more emotional when I actually WATCHED it and didn't just read
the script...I didn't know whether I wanted to scream or shake my finger
at Suboshi. ^_^;;; Ah, well...we all get like that about anime sometimes,
right? ^_^