And I’m a Sin

By Anureejh Atwal

It’s wrong to ‘like’ another girl, isn’t it? It’s not a good thing at all. Mama always told me that people who are not ‘straight’ are a sin. Gay people are a sin. And Mama always speaks the truth.

            And I’m a sin.

            I feel dirty: as if someone placed my face in the remaining wastes from a pig. Or, as if someone took away my virgin pride. Yeah…Mama also said that if I was ever raped, I would never go to heaven.

            And I thank god that I have only committed one sin.

            I think it was a humid night of August when I realised that I did have feelings for another girl. I stayed up all night, crying and drying my eyes out, telling myself that I’ll be going to hell.

            Shit. I’m going to hell, and not even Mama can save me now.

            I would always question the folk around my village about gay people. They all would have thought that I was quite queer (not in that way). I was an eleven year old, asking odd questions about something that should not even be mentioned. They would either give me dirty looks or snarled or laugh at me. I could not ask Mama any more. She would have scolded me for even mentioning it in her home ever again. That was why we would have spoke about outside. I was lucky that no one told my Mama that I would have interrogated our neighbours. Really lucky.

            But what I still don’t understand is that what’s so wrong with liking someone who is exactly the same as me? What is so wrong with liking another human? Then, in a way, that is being racist. Saying that a girl can’t love another girl is the same thing when people say that a white person can’t love a black person. But Mama then told me that god sent us to this planet to be with men. They protect us and they feed and provide for us and they help us have babies.

            I don’t know how that works, but Mama was the one who told me, so it’s probably right.

            Then…that does mean I’m a sin.

            I remember, early one morning, Rei (my best friend) and I was playing on the old willow tree in front of my home. It was quite a hot day and many folk from our village were down by the lake, cooling off and enjoying themselves. Sunday is known to be the day for relaxation around here, so to be working would have been surprising. Mama was in the kitchen, making lunch, and Papa was on the front porch, fixing one of his ‘man toys’, as Mama would have called them. Rei and I were silent for a while, as we looked over the village and admired the beauty, until he finally spoke:

            “Mao, wanna know something?”

            “I know everything. Mama told me it all.”

            “Well, your Mama didn’t tell you what I know. Just lemme tell you.”

            “Why?” I carefully asked as I saw a smile creep across his face.

            “Come here and I’ll tell you.”

            “No! You’re gonna tag me and run away again!”

            “Mao, trust me,” he said.

            And I did, however, only for that single moment. And as soon as he finished whispering his secret in my ear, my eyes widened. “You liar!”

            He shook his head. “No. My Papa told me, and my Papa never lies. It’s true!”

            I stood up and quickly made my way down the tree. As I reached the ground, I looked up and saw Rei smiling to himself. “I’m gonna tell my Mama, Rei Kon! I’m gonna tell my Mama that you lied and that your Papa lied t-oo!” I ran past my Papa and made my way into the kitchen. I tried not to cry because Mama would have thought that Rei hit me, which he never would have done. Instead, I buried my face in Mama’s leg, holding it as tight as I could.

            “Mao?” She kneeled over and picked me up. I moved my face up and buried it in her shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

            “Rei said that his Papa saw two girls kissing each other and that they were holding hands,” I muffled. “He said that they’re call gays.” It doesn’t sound that bad, but I was young, and it was something new to me. So, by asking Mama, I would have found out if it was a good thing or a bad thing.

            She quickly put me down and frowned. “They’re not right in the head, Mao. They don’t respect god so they become friends with the devil.” I looked at her, trying to let my eight year old mind take in what she was telling me. “They’re dirty, disgusting and filthy folk. I never want to see you talking to them.” She spat her words at me, as if they were a warning. A warning to what? I still don’t know.

            “Can two boys like each other, Mama?”

            “No, Mao.” She tucked a lock of my hair behind my right ear and stood up. “They’re a sin. All gays are a sin. Stay away from them if you don’t wanna go to hell, Mao.”

            “Isn’t god supposed to forgive and forget, Mama? Then why doesn’t he forget the sinned?” But she didn’t answer my question. Instead, she continued to make us lunch. I think I had upset her.

That was the day when I first knew about gay folk.

Summer went by three more times, and I was almost twelve. Mama would have occasionally told me about gay people ever since I asked her about them. But she would have also taken me to church more than once a week. She said that even thinking about it was a sin and that we had to let god forgive us. I hope god did forgive me, because the amount of times I had thought about gay people was enough to send me to hell for eternity. But in the end, it showed how much Mama loved and cared for me, and I had to be hopeful for her.

            She only wants to protect me from the devil. And I feel guilty for thinking about it again.

            I was becoming a ‘lady’ now, as Papa told me a few weeks before my birthday. It made me proud to know that I was going to turn out to be like Mama, and that soon I’d know everything as well. But growing up hurts and is quite annoying. I’m getting hair in places that I never paid attention too. My chest is getting a bit bigger and Mama said that I can’t swim in the lake without wearing anything to cover my self. Especially if I am going to swim with Lee, Rei, Gary and Kevin.

            I guess growing up is what led me to feeling this. I tried hard to ignore it because I wanted to be more like Mama, and I still do. I guess that I have to face it now and only hope that the feeling will go away.

            When Madison came over this summer, the gang thought that she would have been a pest and that we would have had to take her with us wherever we went. You see, it’s always been the six of us, we wouldn’t even let Gary’s dog play with us. We wanted to keep it that way, but our Mamas and Papas told us that she had to stay with us, no matter what, and that we couldn’t say anything mean to her or it would have been our heads.

Madison is Kevin’s older cousin sister, though only by a year or two. She never had a Mama and Papa and was always sent from uncle to uncle and aunt to aunt. I remember her from when we were little and she would have followed us around. None of us liked it, even Kevin was ready to tell her to get lost, but before we could have threatened her, she was sent away. We don’t know where, how and why, all we knew was that we didn’t have to put up with her anymore. Soon, we completely forgot about her, until Kevin told us a week ago that she was coming back for a while.

And when Madison did come, she had completely changed. Before, she had short, green hair that was always dirty [1]. We even once saw nits crawling up a strand. Her face was always covered with dirt and she never wore anything nice. Her clothes would have always been baggy and tattered. Now, she had grown her hair, and it looked really neat and shiny. She was wearing decent clothes and was clean, for once. You could say that she looked…pretty.

That was the first time I ever thought that a girl was pretty. But the idea of it being a sin didn’t cross my mind yet. I was still too excited to talk to her, and thought that she might have even changed personality-wise. And she did. She was more witty, smart and sensible. The boys were over her like a fly over sugar.

I think that made me want to join in and like her too. But I immediately thought that it’s a sin.

A SIN.

And I tried my best not to be too attached to her, but Mama and Papa wouldn’t let me ignore Madison. They would have forced me to play with her, and that made me become closer to her as a friend.

But I didn’t want her to be my friend. I wanted her to be my enemy, so that she would have stayed away from me. Then I wouldn’t have had to worry about being a sin. I used to write in my journal everyday about Madison, though I didn’t mention her name. If Mama would have read it, she would have had me. But by not writing any one’s name down, I could at least tell her that I was joking around, even though I know that I’ll end up with a slap, or two, anyway.

Last Friday, Madison came over. I showed her my room and we began to play with our beyblades, comparing them to each other. I never noticed what she was doing when I came back from the toilet, until she began to talk to herself. At first, I only took account of the fact that she was saying simple words. However, until I heard something familiar, my eyes shot up and I saw her, standing in front of me, reading my journal.

I pounced on her and snatched it off her hand. I wanted to hit her, I really did, but I couldn’t. It was something that Rei’s Papa said to him about hitting girls. ‘Never hit a girl, son,’ he said, ‘because god’ll never forgive you.’ I guess he was saying it to me as well, even though he thought I wasn’t listening. I still take it into account.

“You like a girl?” was the first thing she asked me when I got off her and sat down on my bed.

“No!” I exclaimed. “I don’t! It’s just a joke, and you fell for it.” I tried to force a fake laugh, but couldn’t go any further than a slight giggle.

“Then why did you take it off me?” She had me. I didn’t know what to say. For once, someone had taken away the words from my mouth and sealed them up into a jar. “You know, there’s nothing wrong with being a lesbian.”

I looked up at her. “A what?”

“Lesbian.” She slowly paced herself towards me. “It’s what they call a girl who likes another girl. The lady with who I was staying with told me. She said that there’s nothing wrong with being one and that people who hated them are silly.”

I glared at her as she sat down on my bed. “My Mama isn’t silly! She knows everything.”

            Madison simply shrugged and looked around. “You’re quite smart for an eleven year old. I was taught how to read big books and write. Even though I’m better than you, you still know how to write good.” I blushed at her compliment. She was right in a way; I was always told that I was smarter than the other kids in our village and that I had good writing abilities. I used to read books, especially the dictionary, so I guess it explains a lot. But I it meant a bit more coming from her. “What do you want to be when you’re older?”

            “A…someone who writes…” I whispered the words out. If I spoke any louder I would have probably broken down into tears. Even though Madison said that there was nothing wrong with being a lesbian, I still had the fear of hell running across my mind, never running out of breath.

            “So do I. I’ll see if I have time to write something with you when I become famous.” I smiled and stood up, placing my journal under my pillow. “And, Mao.”

            “Yeah…?”

            “I won’t tell anyone that you’re a lesbian.”

            I didn’t want to argue with her and tell her that I wasn’t—I didn’t have enough energy too. I just wanted her to leave so that I could cry myself to sleep, hoping that I wouldn’t go to hell. It was a hot night in August when I finally realised that I was a ga-- a lesbian.

Maybe I’ll tell Mama someday that I liked a girl. I’m not so sure though. She might never want to talk to me again, and I’d rather die than let that happen. I also have to make sure that I don’t like anymore girls. Madison will be the only one, I hope. Like Mama said, gay people are a sin.

            And I guess that I’m a sin too.

I have to go now. It’s Thursday, tomorrow’s my birthday, and I have to go and ask god to forgive me for liking a girl. If Mama ever finds out, she’ll cut my throat. I hate being a sin. It’s too much of a hassle.

End

[1] No, Madison is not a Mary Sue. The only reason she has green hair is to show that she’s related to Kevin. It’s the only thing I could think of -_-; DAMN writer’s block.

Written in this particular way for a reason. If you have a brain, you would have been able to read in between the lines of what I have written and grasp the meaning for EACH and EVERY sentence. Yes. There’s a magnitude behind every word. If you didn’t understand anything, and could only see stupid words and letters, than go and read something else.

~Anu-Chan~