Disclaimer: Weiβ Kreuz is property of Koyasu Takehito/Project Weiβ. The song, “You Are Everything”, is property of Dru Hill, and has been tweaked slightly by me to fit the songfic. I own nothing! Don’t sue, please. ^_^;

A/N: I have been blocked for over a month, and suddenly I was inspired to write this. Hopefully, it will get me out of my rut. Either way, I hope you enjoy it! It’s not A/U, and I will try to keep them as in character as possible. Told in Yohji’s POV. All descriptions based on the first season, but Ken’s eye color is taken from the manga.

Warnings: This is yaoi/shounen-ai, and deals with male/male relationships. Can’t deal? Hit the back button on the browser, baby, and don’t complain to me! ^_^ Some spoilers for the first season.

Bold (and italics) denotes lyrics.

~*For Deena. Just because…*~

~*~*~*~

You Are Everything

~*~*~*~

Last night we had an argument
Afterwards, I'm feelin' pretty bent
Then I took a drink and I didn't think
What was in store for me
So I wrote a letter
Dropped it on the bedroom floor
I never felt this way before, no
I grabbed my coat and closed the door, baby, I'm sorry

Scribbled words on a blank sheet of paper. They stare up at me, stark black against the white, in my own slanting handwriting. All at once they seem harmless and accusatory. They speak of the wrongs I have committed against the person I love, against the love I have fought, but failed to prevent. I thought it would be easy. I thought it would be another string-free fuck. I should have known better. I should have known that those soulful brown eyes would capture me. They were what drew me to him. Sure, his body is stunning, and his honey-gold skin is delectable, but his eyes are windows to his heart. They hide nothing. They are earnest, and honest, and innocent, and determined. They are what make him him. And slowly they have become everything. My everything. They’re what I think about when I go to sleep, they’re the first thing I picture when I wake up.

Last night they stared at me, shadowed with hurt and frustration. I tried to apologize, but my attempts led to an argument. I think it was the worst we’ve ever had. He stormed out of the apartment we’ve only recently started to share, and I drank myself into a stupor and wrote this letter before collapsing on the couch. Now that I look at it in the harsh light of day, all I can do is call myself a thousand kinds of fool. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I do this to him? Why can’t I stop myself? It’s not that I want to be unfaithful. It’s not even that I desire any of these people. Sex has become an outlet, and recently it has become a desperate attempt to rid myself of something that is slowly consuming me. That’s right. I, Kudou Yohji, have fallen in love. Despite all of my useless attempts to prevent it, despite the warnings my mind screamed at me when I found myself wanting to hold him close, wanting to wake up next to him, wanting to hear him breathe, I have fallen hard. And this is true love. It’s not smooth words and pretty lies. It’s real. And it is fucking scary. I haven’t felt this way since Asuka, and knowing how that turned out, I don’t think anyone can truly blame me for being wary of caring so deeply for another person again. But I shouldn’t linger in the past. I shouldn’t let my self-loathing, my guilt, ruin my happiness. But more importantly, I shouldn’t let it spoil his. He deserves so much better.

Better than me…

Coming slowly to my feet, I make way into our bedroom, a headache battering at my temples. I reach into my closet and grab my coat, unthinkingly letting the letter drift from my fingers. He won’t be back. Not after this. I think I’ve finally crossed the last line, but I can’t wait around to hear those words, I can’t stay here and watch him pack, watch him walk out the door. Exhaling shakily, I leave the apartment, locking the door behind me.

“KenKen…I’m sorry…” 

The letter was simple, just the lyrics of an old song. It read:

Baby, I’m sorry
Sorry for what I’ve done
Will you forgive me and let me be your only one?
’Cuz you are

You are everything
And I would give you anything
Sorry for what I’ve done
I wanna be your only one
Boy, I apologize for all your tears
When you cried, sorry for what I’ve done
I wanna be your only one
Boy, I apologize for all the tears
And all the lies
And if by chance, just one more chance
I swear I’ll be the epitome of a good man

I wander the city for most of the day. I hadn’t felt much like driving. Figured the walk and the cold air would help me clear my head. I think they did their job a little too well. As I slump down onto a park bench, all I can think of is past mistakes, of Ken, of apologies I wouldn’t have had to make if I had been able to just let go of my selfishness and consider someone else’s feelings. But, dammit, it is hard to be selfless, and I am far from perfect. Even as I think this, though, I know it is just another excuse. No one is perfect, but not everyone tries to use that as a justification for their own stupidity. And I was stupid. I was a total idiot. I broke his heart, and in doing so, I’ve shattered mine as well. I’ll probably never recover this time. And I have no one to blame but myself.

Baby I'm sorry (I'm sorry)
Sorry for what I've done (Baby)
Will you forgive me (Hey, yeah)
And let me be your only one?
’Cuz you are

I should have never let it happen. It’s been more than a year since the first time, and I must have told myself these words over and over a thousand times since then. Aya figured it out right away. He may be an iceberg, but he doesn’t miss much. His eyes burned into me with icy fire as he cornered me one day, and he told me to end it, to leave it alone. He said he knew me better than I knew myself. He said I would break Ken’s heart. He told me to stop it before it got out of hand, before it blew up in my face. But, of course, I shrugged him off and didn’t listen. I told him to go fuck himself. He, who for the longest time couldn’t think about anything but his sister and revenge, who closed us all out of his affairs, and often acted like a complete bastard to the few who would call him a friend, was trying to give me advice on how to treat people? It seemed like a joke. I laughed it off. But the laughter was hollow. I can hear it now, and it echoes, calling me a fool.

You are everything
And I would give you anything
Sorry for what I've done
I wanna be your only one

Ken is all I want. All the purity; everything untainted. I just wanted a taste. I wanted to lose myself in him for one brief moment. But once it started, it became an addiction. I never knew an addiction could be beautiful, but he is. He is everything I yearn for, everything I can never be. And I want him to know I’m sorry. I want him to know that this time I do realize just how much of an asshole I have been, just how much I have hurt him. I want to tell him…but, after all this time, will he believe anything I say? How many times can one person fuck up before it becomes too much to bear? How many times before they learn their lesson? You think I would have learned it the first time. I remember it so vividly…the day he found out, the morning he found me in bed with another. I don’t even remember her name. But I can recall the look on his face. It’s been scalded in my memory. But, surprisingly, he forgave me. Or maybe it’s not so surprising. I’ve always been a smooth talker. I can get myself out of virtually anything. It’s all suaveness, and manipulation, and lies that sound like the truth. It’s me convincing others of my sincerity, but what I never realized until this moment is that it is also me convincing myself. I wonder…do I even know the meaning of the word?

Oh, oh, oh, come on
You are everything
And everything is you
You are everything
Everything I do

By the time I make it back the flower shop, the sky is velvety-black and starless. The windows are dark, and the prospect of entering an empty apartment, and finding him and all of his possessions gone, is almost more than I can bear. But this time, I resist the urge to flee and ascend the steps to my floor. I have to pass up his apartment on the way there. There’s no light shining from beneath the door, but considering the hour, that is really not an indication of whether or not he is inside. For a moment I pause, my knuckles itching to rap on that door, my arms aching to wrap around his body and never let go, but with a sudden rush of willpower, I force my legs to continue down the hallway.

I unlock the door and enter the apartment with my eyes downcast. The scraping of a chair and a whisper of fabric startle me into looking up, and I see him come to the doorway of the kitchen. For an instant, he stands, framed by the light, and I can’t clearly make out his features, but then he takes a small step forward and I can see that he’s been crying. For all that Ken is loud and often clumsy, one would almost think his tears would be like those of a child—easy to start, but difficult to stop without the right sort of persuasion—but the first time I ever saw him actually cry shocked the hell out of me. His tears were silent. Not a sob escaped his lips. And, for some reason, to me that made his anguish even more pronounced. By nature, he is cheerful and almost unstoppably optimistic. It takes a lot to make him cry, but once it starts, it takes him hours to recover. I can admit that it frightens me. To see him go all quiet and still, when he is normally a ball of restless energy, is extremely disturbing, to say the least. What makes it even more disturbing is that after the whole incident with Kase, the only cause of his tears has been me.

“Ken?” I murmur, moving hesitantly closer. From this distance, I can see that he has a piece of paper crumpled in his fist, and I freeze in my tracks. The letter. He had found it. Honestly, I hadn’t meant him to read it. It was stupid. I should have put more into it, I should have poured my heart onto that stark white page, I should have said ‘I’m sorry’ a hundred times. “I didn’t think you’d still be here.”

He raises his eyes to mine. God, those eyes! How they pull me, how they wound me. “I was going to leave,” he admits quietly. “I came here to get my things, and I found this on the floor…”

“I’m sorry,” I say as he trails off. “That letter…I…there were so many things that I wanted to say…but that was all that came out. And when I was done, I…I didn’t try to continue it because I didn’t think you’d ever want to look at it…or me.”

He is silent for a moment, his eyes dropping from mine to rest on the wrinkled sheet of paper clutched tightly in his palm. “You hurt me.”

“I know.”

Eyes like melted chocolate settle on me once more. His gaze is piercing, bare of any pretenses. The only thing I see is endless brown, watching me with a mixture of confusion and entreaty. “Why?”

“I…” Raking my fingers through the loose hair framing my face, I inhale, feeling myself tremble slightly under those penetrating orbs. “I’m selfish,” I state finally, deciding that honesty is the very least I owe him after all that we have been through. “I’m stupid. I wanted to get you out of my system. I wanted to push you away.”

“Why?” he asks again.

“I…thought that I could set you aside, like all the others.” Pausing, I move to the couch, slumping onto one of the armrests and staring down at my hand. The shame I feel is nearly overwhelming. “But when I found out I couldn’t, when I realized how much you meant to me…I panicked. And almost subconsciously, I started to do everything I could think of to ruin it, to prevent myself from loving you. But nothing worked. I can’t stop. And it drives me crazy.”

“Why? What’s so wrong with loving me?”

I shake my head, lifting my eyes to his. “Nothing. I was just…being a coward. I didn’t want to lose you, like I lost her. I was only looking out for my own self-interest, and in doing that, I caused you pain, but I never meant…I never meant for things to turn out this way, for it to go this far. But once it started, once I had touched you…nothing else could compare. And it scared me.”

“Nothing in life is permanent,” he whispers, moving toward me, but pausing just beyond my reach. “Nothing lasts forever. Given the way we live, any one of us could be gone tomorrow. And I think about that, too, but I love you, and I…cherish that. Do you think that I want to lose someone I love again? Do you think it’s easy for me?”

“Of course not…”

“Then how could you do this? How could you have destroyed what we had?”

“I don’t know.” I gaze at him, and I know my expression is pleading. If only he could just…understand. “I didn’t want to hurt you. I never wanted that.”

He sniffs softly, glancing at the crumpled paper once more. “This letter…do you mean it? Is this just another ploy? If I give you another chance, will you betray me again as soon as my back is turned? How can I trust you, Yohji, tell me? I’ve given you so many chances. For once, just be completely honest with me. Just please tell me…tell me whether or not you love me enough to overcome the fears that haunt you. Tell me whether or not you can love me more than you love yourself. Tell me you can give yourself to me the way I give myself to you. Because if you can’t…if you can’t, then I won’t give you this one last chance. And, Yohji, I promise…this time will be the last.”

The silence that follows his statement is deafening. I want this chance. I need it. But can I give him what he asks, or will I sabotage myself once again?

You are everything
And everything is you
You are everything
Boy, you're everything I do
Everything I do

The answer comes to me after a few seconds, and I don’t doubt it. I can’t. This is my chance, the only chance I have at happiness with someone who can completely understand the things I go through—the guilt, the sleepless nights, what it feels like to be a killer, what it feels like to love even though you feel unworthy and undeserving, what it feels like to be stained by so much blood. “I do mean it. I mean every word. I love you more than anything. And, yeah, it scares me, but I also realize that I don’t want to give it up. And I want you to trust me, and I promise that I will do my best to not disappoint you. If I trample your heart, I do the same to mine, because you are everything, Ken. You are everything to me. You’re all I see, all I do. You’re my heart.”

“Yohji…”

“I’m sorry, KenKen. I don’t know how many times I can say those words to you.” Straightening, I close the distance between us and pull him against my chest. I hear him sigh, the sound soft and quivering with suppressed emotion. “Give me this chance. I want you to be my only, and I want to be yours.”

“Yohji, I—“

“Please,” I murmur, burying my lips in his wild, chocolate-colored hair. “I swear, I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you. I will earn your faith in me.”

I will earn faith in myself.

You are everything
And I would give you anything
Sorry for what I've done
I wanna be your only one

An eternity seems to pass as I wait for his answer. When I feel the tension flee his body, and his arms snake around my waist, I know I’ve been rewarded with one final chance, and I know I don’t deserve him. But I will work at it. I’ll be better. I’ll improve myself…until I do.

You are everything
And everything is you
You are everything
And everything is you

~*OWARI*~

Thanks for reading, minna-san! I am not sure how it came out, but I think I like it. In any event, it feels good to get it off my chest. Please review and tell me what you think!

~Midori^_~