By: Enkidu

Summary: My own amusing parody of the movie "There's Something About Mary" Pairings in this chapter: Malik + Ryou & Bakura, Pegasus + himself & Malik, Otogi + Malik's leg, mention of Honda + Ryou. Rating: R Warnings: Yaoi, random lunacy, potty language, naughty things, sexual situations, OOC, TWT, slightly AU-ish.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()() ()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

CHAPTER 1: Intro and Other Random Crap I was too Lazy to Give a Title to

Maybe it is his sweet, lovable personality. Maybe it is bright smile. Maybe it is his beautiful, silver moonlight hair. Maybe it is those doe-like, shimmering brown eyes. Maybe it is the way his 'I'm obviously homosexual' sweaters cling to his frame like seran wrap. Or...maybe it is the fact that he houses an insane, homicidal spirit in his body...

...But there's just something about Bakura Ryou that I just can't seem to get off of my mind.

I remember our first meeting...

It was mid July..no August...no, wait..June...actually, come to think of it, it was November. Erm...anywho, it was at some point two years ago...I was in a park, obviously up to no good. Well, I was plotting evil things against a certain bondage-clothed Pharaoh with a midget aibou when all of the sudden, the world seemed to go in slow motion. Maybe it really was in slow motion. I didn't think too much about it, but as I managed to finally get the hilt of my rod unscrewed...My Sennen Rod, you pervert!

Ahem...anyways, after I finally managed to free the dagger hidden in my Sennen Rod (Shadi glued the cap to the rest of my Sennen Rod. It took me three hours to get the freakin' thing off.), this boy of unspeakable beauty just passed by my vision, his hair flowing with the wind, his eyes shining with mirth...and a bloodied knife in his hand...Wait a minute...

It quickly became apparent that the boy known as Bakura Ryou was not exactly normal. But that's what's so appealing about him! He's crazy, weird, and unique just like me! Who else is more perfect to be my lover!?

So, months passed, and I got to know Ryou a bit, mostly by stalk-erm, following him around. I learned things like he's very sweet and sensitive. He likes cooking shows, and he enjoys baking all sorts of sweets. He likes to paint in his backyard, read romance novels, and watch anime. He also has a very hot, insane spirit living in his Sennen Ring that likes to burn things and cut himself. I quickly became more and more enthralled with the magnificence that is Ryou.

Sadly, Ryou was dating some dumbass that went to his school named Toyota (1) or something or other...I've never met the guy, but from what I heard, he has the intelligence of a toddler, and he likes to stick things in places where they don't belong. I'm not going to elaborate on that. As you can tell, this news depressed me for a while, and I kept plotting Mitsubishi's (2) death, thinking I'd have him skinned alive then fed to a pack of wild boars. Hm..reminds me of Hannibal. That's not the point.

Everything seemed to change after I found out the wonderful news that Mazda (3) had broken up with Ryou for some reason. I was so excited, I ran out from my apartment naked...! And then promptly got arrested for indecent exposure. After I got out of temporary incarceration with the help of my sister, I immediately went to ask Ryou out on a date. Naturally, I couldn't just go up to him and ask. That wouldn't be a Malik thing to do, so instead, I had to stage some overly elaborate meeting where I accidentally somehow end up on top of him.

My wondrous mind came up with me accidentally falling off a tree and onto him in a park. Okay, so it wasn't the most brilliant plan I've thought up, but with all the pain killers I was taking for the huge snake bite Fluffy bestowed on my ass, I wasn't quite expected to be thinking very clearly. When the time came for me to set my plan into action, I sat up in a tree and waited two hours for him to walk below. Waiting gave me ample opportunity to watch Ryou play frisbee with himself...which involved him tossing a frisbee then suddenly changing into Bakura and running after it to catch it with his teeth. Ah, they're so beautiful...But that's not the point.

When Ryou finally ended up below the tree, I was too distracted by him adamantly sucking on a popsicle to really have any sort of coherent remembrance of what my original plan was. That resulted in me falling out of a tree anyway, but rather than landing on top of Ryou, I landed a good seven feet away from him and on my ass no less. I'm not one to cry and whine like a child, but it hurt, and I wanted to make sure every pigeon and squirrel within a 2 mile radius knew.

My idiocy caught Ryou's attention, and he turned around (in slow motion) and looked at me with those big brown eyes full of concern. My heart stopped, my breath hitched, and my ass pain was forgotten. The only thing I could focus on was that pale, youthful cherubic face, and the slim, soft hand that was extended to me, offering to help me up. I took the offered hand and rose to my feet, dutifully ignoring the facts that my pants were covered in dirt and that I looked like I crapped on myself. Lovely image, isn't it?

He gave me a big bright smile and asked, "Are you okay?"

"Um..yes," I muttered rather bashfully, a small blush tinging my face. Okay, so my skin is unable to acquire any sort of obvious blush, but inside I was blushing!

"Do you need any sort of medical aid?"

I wanted to ask him to kiss it and make it feel better, but I'm guessing that's far too forward and borderline creepy. "Um..no."

He smiled again, 'cause he didn't seem to do anything but smile brightly, which I had no problem with. Gods, he looked beautiful when he smiled. I think I smiled too, but my mind was too blurred. I also think I may have given him a hand to shake while I introduced myself.

He needed know introduction, but he introduced himself as well. The whole scene seemed oddly light-hearted, and there were butterflies fluttering in my stomach as if they were high on amphetamines. It might have been the "omelet" Isis made for breakfast, but I like to think it was Ryou who was giving me that weird, fuzzy feeling.

Suddenly taking me by surprise, Ryou changed into his darker half, and the crazed spirit latched onto me like a barnacle. Before I had the chance to let out some sort of exclamation of surprise, his tongue was deep in my mouth, and he was rubbing up against me excitedly. My mind seemed to shut down from the onslaught. I think I just stood there stupidly and let him kiss me. Then, Ryou took control again and detached himself, turning an interesting shade of red.

It was very adorable, and the urge to pinch his cheeks was strong. He peeked up at me nervously through his bangs and gave me a little bashful smile. "Sorry, my Yami is very friendly."

"The hell I am!" Bakura spoke up, suddenly taking control again. "Damn it! I haven't fucked in thousands of years, and I wasn't about to fuck that fucking idiot Honda! At least Malik looks hot, and he's been stalking us for a couple of days."

Now it was my turn to inwardly blush very brightly. "Um.." was all I could say. Bakura just turned and winked at me before giving my poor ass a nice pinch, eliciting a surprised squeal. I think he liked me. Either that, or he really was just very friendly.

Anyway, Ryou took over again, still blushing furiously, and he offered me some sort of sympathetic smile. "I'm sorry about that.."

"It's okay," I blurted out, momentarily forgetting I was the one who was stal-following him around. "So.."

He shifted around uncomfortably for a while before brightening up. "Want to come to my house to talk some more? I'm interested in getting to know you better, Malik."

I wanted to leap for joy! This highly attractive and very sweet boy wanted me, of all people, to go to his house! Okay, so my hentai mind assumed it was an invitation for sex. In which case, I certainly wouldn't have minded, considering I was already partially aroused from that kiss Bakura gave me. I found myself nodding enthusiastically and trying to keep that hungry and desperate look out of my eyes.

It wasn't long before we walked to his house. We spoke of many things, including our favourite ice cream flavours, our favourite anime, what hobbies we participate in, and the best sexual position. The last one was discussed with Bakura, but it was highly amusing. I enjoyed the whole idea of getting two interesting and beautiful boys in one body...quite a lot.

We finally arrived at his house, and he opened the door to let me in. His father was an archaeologist, so he was gone a great deal of the time, leaving a big, empty house to ourselves. The prospect had me excited before I even walked that far into his house. Then all thoughts of excitement seemed to disappear as I came face to face with Ryou's cousin, Otogi Ryuuji. Ryou had mentioned to me that the boy had some sort of mental problem... He apparently was obsessed with nothing else but dice, and I found this quite apparent when I saw him sitting in the middle of the living room, continuously rolling a pair of dice until he got the desired product. What a strange boy, indeed.

"Otogi, this is Malik," Ryou introduced in his quiet, polite voice.

Otogi looked up at me with this eerie gleam in his eyes before promptly glomping onto my leg and humping it. Yes...strange boy, indeed.

"Otogi!" Ryou exclaimed in surprised, grabbing a spray bottle and squirting water at Otogi's face until he removed himself from my leg. I patted his head somewhat nervously, and he let out a giggle and nuzzled my hand then returned to his dice rolling.

"He seems nice," I whispered to Ryou, who smiled at me in return.

"I'm surprised you haven't left yet. Otogi usually scares away all the guys that come over...except for Honda who was turned on by it." A visible shudder passed through Ryou's body, and he sat down on the couch, patting the seat next to him.

"Ryou, are you going to play with me?" Otogi asked his cousin, looking up at him with big green eyes and holding out his set of dice. Ryou looked uncertain for a second as if he wanted to decline, but I quickly intervened.

"You know what, I'll play with Otogi if you don't mind," I told Ryou. His face perked up, and he nodded. So, I sat across from Otogi as he took out a little mini tube and explained a set of complicated rules that I failed to understand. I just nodded every once in a while and tuned him out in favour of studying the long earring hanging from one of his ears. Before I knew it, Otogi had thrust a pair of dice into my hands and asked me to roll, which I did.

I ended up playing the unusual game with him for two hours, somehow managing to lose 167 times in a row. To say I sucked is an understatement, but I shrugged it off and congratulated Otogi, who promptly glomped me again...no humping this time, though! Ryou also hugged me from behind and whispered, "Thanks for playing with him," into my ear.

When all that was over and done with, we tucked Otogi into bed and disappeared into Ryou's bedroom to have private alone time where we talked some more about manga, video games, favourite sleeping positions, and sexual fantasies. Once again, the last one was discussed with an over- exuberant Bakura, who seemed very intrigued by the thought of having me chained to the bed completely naked.

Around that time, I had the sudden urge to urinate since it had been many hours since I'd last urinated, and stories and anime seem to skip over the fact that sometimes humans have to relieve themselves. Audiences just assume that the characters just pee on their spare time or don't pee at all. Anyway, I politely excused myself and went into the hall bathroom to...well...relieve myself. At some point during my incessant urination (I had two cans of soda and a cup of coffee before going to the park), I glanced at the window and saw the most unusual of things. Shadi, who was somehow Ryou's next door neighbour, was exercising on a tread mill, wearing the most ungodly of things. He was clad in very tight spandex of a magenta colour and matching sneakers. Oddly enough, he still had his turban on.

So distracted I was by this highly disturbing image, I failed to pay attention to the task at hand and well...accidentally got my...well, you know...stuck in my zipper. Never had there been so many screams and tears fleeing from my body. Ryou was at the door immediately, knocking and asking me what was wrong. Oh, dear gods, what the hell was I supposed to say to him!?

'Hey, Ryou, I was so busy watching your neighbour exercise in tight, purple clothing that I accidentally got my dick caught in my zipper.'

That's not what anybody wants to hear when there is the potential of having sex. How the hell was I supposed to have sex with Ryou if I was almost certain I was bleeding profusely through my dick!? I don't have to tell you that I was in a great amount of pain and about to pass out. All I could squeak out pathetically to Ryou was, "Help...me."

This prompted Bakura to barge in worriedly with an almost dangerous gleam in his eyes. So surprised I was by his unexpected appearance that I turned away from him quickly and blushed bright red. "What the fuck are you doing in here!?!?" I shrieked out, heavy tears cascading down my cheeks.

"You asked for help, and I got scissors!" To emphasize his statement, he held up a shiny pair of scissors with an almost psychotic gleam to his eyes. I watched him over my shoulder in horror and tried to back away.

"No! Don't you dare cut my penis off!"

"I wasn't going to cut your penis off! I need that! I was just going to cut you out of your pants!" He said, psychotic gleam definitely not wavering.

"NO!"

"Aw, come on!"

At this point, Ryou took over with a sympathetic expression and reached into the bathroom cabinet, grabbing another spray bottle. Without warning he sprayed the front of my pants with what I assumed was disinfectant, which prompted more screaming and squealing from me.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Ryou said in a panicked tone of voice. "I just didn't want you to get infected down there."

"Aibou, let me handle this," Bakura said, taking over once again.

I backed away from both of them, holding my crotch protectively, deftly afraid of what the mad spirit would do.

"Anyone need my help?" Shadi said perkily as he suddenly appeared at the bathroom door with a huge grin spread across his face. "I couldn't help but take note of your situation as I watched from my telescope by the window."

I blinked a few times before backing away and screeching at the towel- headed man to get out of the bathroom before I threw some dangerous flying projectile at his head.

"Ooh, that looks bad," Shadi muttered, completely ignoring me and staring pointedly at my crotch. I turned away from his gaze, screeching even louder.

Bakura thankfully defended me, growling at Shadi and summoning his Man Eater bug to keep the turban-wearing Egyptian busy while he returned his attention to my bleeding dick.

"Okay, I'm going to get you out of there," he said quietly as he kneeled down in front of me and turned my hips to his eye level. If my penis had currently not imbedded itself into my zipper, I would have been extremely turned on, but as it was, I was crying like a little girl.

Bakura stared at it critically for a while, biting the corner of his lips before coming to some sort of conclusion. He grabbed a towel from the towel rack and handed it to me. "Bite down on this."

"Why?" I asked dumbly, though a part of me knew very well where he was going with this.

"This will only hurt for a few seconds," he continued, ignoring my pleading look and before I had any time to react, he yanked my zipper down in one motion.

After that, everything went black, and I woke up an indefinite amount of time later in the back of an ambulance truck with the entire neighbourhood crowded around us while Ryou held an ice pack to my crotch.

"We got a bleeder!" One of the ambulance drivers said as they wheeled me in.

Ryou looked at me sadly as he removed his hand and backed away, giving me a small wave. "You're going to be alright," he said softly, looking like he was about to cry.

I tried to be brave and smile in return, but I passed out again from the horrendous pain. When I finally got out of the hospital a week later, I was informed by my sister that Ryou had moved away to the United States with his father. I was so devastated by the news that I set fire to the Pharaoh's dueling deck.

The only thing that got me through that tough time was a hand written get- well card from Ryou with a kitten on the cover. I still have it with me in a shoe box underneath my bed.

"Well, anyway," Malik continued, "I know that all happened two years ago when we were both sixteen, but the other day, I was riding down the street on my motorcycle, and I just started thinking about Ryou. I was so distraught that I had to pull over at a rest stop and relax for a while-"

Pegasus, who was dutifully working on a crossword puzzle on the back of a kiddie menu, suddenly spoke up. "Malik, what's a three letter word for an animal with four legs that barks?"

Malik blinked slowly and propped himself up on his elbows. "..Dog?"

Pegasus shook his head. "Nope, that's not it. Are you sure?"

The Egyptian boy nodded and said, "Yes, it's a dog. Dog's bark, and there are three letters in dog."

The older man bit the back of his pencil thoughtfully before trying out the word and grinning triumphantly when it fit. "Yes! Brilliant! It works! Anyway, go on.."

By now, Malik was fully sitting up and glaring at the silver haired, egotistical maniac. "Did you even listen to a word I said!?!"

"I'm shocked! How could you accuse me of such things!?! Of course I was listening. Now, about these rest stops...did you know that they are popular homosexual hangouts?"

Malik blinked again, looking very confused and slightly thoughtful. "Of course I knew that! In case you haven't noticed, I'm GAY! I know every popular homosexual hangout."

"You SO did not know that," Pegasus challenged.

"I did to, and what the fuck does that have to do with anything!?!"

Pegasus put away his clipboard and pen into his drawer and turned to face Malik with a small grin on his face. "My dear patient, it has to do with everything. Thought, it's quite apparent that you are suffering from what we in the profession call sexual tension. You want nothing more than to rip my clothes off and have sex with me."

Malik blinked again, then shuddered disgustedly at the mere thought. {What the fuck..?}

"Yes, I know it's hard to resist me," Pegasus continued, "what with my dashing good lucks, my sophisticated mannerisms, and my giant penis, but you must! You are my patient, and I'm your well-paid, incredibly intelligent, and ultra sexy therapist. I know it's hard on you, and it must be killing you to keep your hands off of me, but for the sake of my profession, we must put our attraction aside. However, if you do want to engage in a more...private session...with me, we could always meet at the lovely little hotel across the street. It's a little pricey, but it'll be worth your paying it, so we can have an entire night of mind-bending, passionate sex. Did I ever tell you what a wonderful lover I am? Well, I guess you'll find out. So, how about it?" Pegasus, who had somehow averted his gaze to outside the window at some point during his long monologue, turned back to Malik. When he glanced around his office, he found himself to be the only occupant.

Malik, who had quickly fled from Pegasus's office in the middle of his long speech without paying, had dashed to his motorcycle in the mean time and was riding away quickly with an odd array of chase music playing in the back ground, granted nobody was chasing him at the moment. Going down the road at his normal speed of 60 mph, more thoughts of his lost love continued to enter his mind.

{Oh, Ryou...how I miss you so much...Who knows what could have been..? I wonder what you're doing right now at this moment? I wonder if you're okay? I wonder if you're single? I wonder if I'll ever find you at a rest stop? Hm..then we could do naughty things...}

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()() ()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

(1) Honda Hiroto.

(2) Honda again...

(3) Why the hell did they name Honda after a car ..!?

**Once again, thanks to Pepita-chan for beta-ing this for me! I wuff you!! ^_^**