By: Enkidu

Summary: My own amusing parody of the movie "There's Something About Mary"

Pairings in this chapter: Malik + Ryou/Bakura, slight Seto + Malik

Rating: R

Warnings: Yaoi, random lunacy, potty language, naughty things, sexual situations, OOC, TWT, slightly AU-ish, character bashing (Mostly Kaiba in this chapter -_-;;).

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CHAPTER 2: Enter the Private Dick

Malik walked into the well-furnished office, complete with the obligatory leather couch, an oak wood table, and gay porn filling all the magazine racks. He bypassed the gay porn, shoving away his curiosity in favour of approaching the blonde secretary who sat demurely on the other side of the desk. Her legs were crossed, showing a good amount of thigh from the overly short skirt that slid dangerously upwards, and she had a nail file in her hand for... filing her nails.

With a deep breath, Malik walked up to her desk, absently running his eyes over the pictures of gorgeous female swimsuit models and the tiny stuffed squirrel that sat poised on top of her computer.

"Can I help you?" she asked, one slim eyebrow raised, though her eyes were still scrutinizing her nails.

"Yes. I would like to speak to Seto Kaiba," Malik answered confidently, gazing behind the secretary to get a good look at the two large French doors that seemed to be the only thing in the way of him and his goal of speaking to Seto Kaiba. He couldn't see through the windows of the doors since a curtain also happened to block his way, but somehow, he could feel Kaiba's presence.

The woman appeared not to have heard him since she spent the next five minutes filing her middle finger. Malik thought that perhaps he had upset her somehow with his staring since he was known to have a creepy stare, but she was simply sharpening her middle finger for the long drive home.

"Take a number," the woman finally answered.

Malik blinked. The office was completely bereft of anyone but the two of them and Kaiba hidden behind the overpriced French doors. Why in Ra's name did he have to take a freakin' number!?

"Take a number," she repeated, in the event that Malik was a complete idiot and didn't get it the first time.

"Why?" he asked, dumbfounded.

"Take a number."

"But there's nobody here!"

"Take a number." She gestured to the red number dispenser with a green ticket mockingly hanging out, waiting to be taken.

"No! Let me in to see Kaiba right this moment!" he demanded.

The woman still didn't look up at him or cease her vigorous nail filing, maintaining an indifferent demeanor. "Sir, take a number and sit down. You will meet with Kaiba once your number is called."

A growl erupted from Malik's throat, and he pulled at his own platinum locks. "Listen, you uterus-containing, breast-possessing, vagina-owning bitch, THERE IS NOBODY ELSE HERE!!"

"Take a number."

Malik made a few teakettle noises while his body went into weird spasms before finally acquiescing to the woman's request. He ripped a number from the dispenser and shoved it in her face, displaying it to her. "See! There! I have a fucking number! Can I go in now!?"

"Take a seat and wait until your number is called," she replied, working on filing the nails on her hand.

With a deep breath to calm himself, the Egyptian made his way to the leather couch and plopped down. He held the ticket up, gazing at the number seventy-two and waiting impatiently for the woman to call his number. The secretary completely ignored him and went about her business, possibly forgetting that she had to call out his number.

Suddenly, she spoke up, snapping Malik out of his miniature daydream of possessing acidic spit, so he could spit at the woman's face and watch as she decayed right in front of him. "Number three... Number three... It's your turn..."

The Egyptian glanced down at his green ticket and scowled, reading the number seventy-two again. {Is this woman out of her mind!?!} He couldn't stifle his angry growl and quickly shot up from his seat. "There IS no number three, you bimbo! I'm the only one here!!"

She sighed softly, momentarily appearing to have comprehended the Egyptian's psychotic ranting.

Then...

"Number three..."

Malik did what any irrational, crazy human being would do at that moment. He screamed and tore through a gay porn magazine until it was turned into little itty bitty pieces of confetti littering the office floor. A tiny strip that contained a perfectly in tact picture of a man's penis landed on his head, but he didn't notice. Instead, he sat down on the couch with a sour look, deciding to actually wait his turn. His hand perused through the magazines next to him, landing on the latest issue of Cosmopolitan, and he contented himself for the next couple of hours, reading about the fall's latest fashions, 10 ways to achieve a full-body orgasm, and the many joys of breast pumps.

A few hours later...

"Number seventy-one.... Number seventy-one," the blonde woman called out, now occupying herself with painting her nails a deep slutty red colour.

Malik could scarcely sit still, bouncing around excitedly in his seat since his number was definitely next. Soon, he would be able to finally talk to Kaiba, the best private detective in all of Japan. Soon, he would be able to finally locate his long lost love. Soon, he would be able to finally go to the bathroom since he had two pots of coffee before showing up at Kaiba's office, and he had to piss like a racehorse. That fact accounted for most of the bouncing around and excited movement.

A moment later, the French doors swung open, admitting a tall, handsome brunet with a long coat that was billowing to the wrong side... or perhaps it shouldn't have been billowing at all, considering there was no wind in the building. Malik dismissed anymore pondering and simply ran his eyes over the lean body before pausing at his face, taking in the casual smirk and the cerulean eyes that possibly spoke of long nights spent with an oversized vibrator. Malik dismissed those thoughts as well.

"Mai, I'm taking my lunch break now. Hold all my clients until I get back. I should be gone an hour or two," Kaiba informed the blonde, who didn't seem to be paying attention.

"WHAT!!" Malik shrieked, perhaps too loudly, causing Kaiba to quirk an amused eyebrow. "No! You're seeing me right now before I pee all over myself!!" he ordered, looking Kaiba straight in the eye and standing defiantly.

A grin lit Mai's face, and for the first time since the Egyptian got there, she turned to look at him. "Aw, poor baby. Kaiba, have some sympathy on him."

Seto let his eyes drift to the Egyptian boy in question, roaming his gaze lecherously over the lean, muscular body. Ever since the boy had walked into his office, he had been watching him through a tiny monitor hidden beneath his desk and amusing himself at the comical, yet beautiful display he made. Sure, the Egyptian boy wasn't exactly his type since he preferred short, innocent boys with light skin and childlike features, but he did arouse his interest, among other things. How was he supposed to disappoint such a sexy, flamboyant male?

"Oh, fine. I suppose he could accompany me to lunch," Kaiba answered rather boredly, waving a flippant hand.

Malik squealed happily and gave Kaiba a bear hug. "Oh, thankyouthankyouthankyou!!"

"...You should probably go take care of your business before you ruin my new jacket."

The Egyptian boy blinked before nodding and running out the door, heading into the nearest bathroom... which happened to be the girl's bathroom. Several unhappy shrieks erupted from the room as women fled in all directions. Then they remembered what Malik looked like and fled back to the bathroom to try and get a glimpse at... things... while Malik peed.

A few minutes later.

Both boys sat at the nearest Starbucks, sipping contentedly at their coffee. Seto was staring pointedly at Malik, making him as uncomfortable as possible while Malik was busy hoarding all the cinnamon from other customers.

"So... what did you want me for?" Seto finally asked, not bothering to hide his overgrown ego that had been fed by the mere fact that the pretty Egyptian boy wanted him-no, needed him-so desperately.

Malik nearly missed the question, barely registering Seto's presence as he continued pouring an indecent amount of cinnamon onto his mocha frappuccino. He spared a small glance at Kaiba and blinked once he spotted the heavy mass of whipped cream that covered the detective's top lip. Setting down the cinnamon shaker, he traced his tongue across his own top lip, trying to discreetly signal to Kaiba to clean himself off.

The desired result was not accomplished. Seto, instead, perceived Malik to be coming onto him and smirked triumphantly with the knowledge that the Egyptian boy just couldn't resist him. {Hm.. so that's what he wants.. Well, I definitely aim to please.} The brunet continued to let his ego expand, grinning sexily as he leaned over on the table, his blue eyes darkening in lust. {Well, I suppose I could take him home for the night... It would be a shame to leave that body unfucked.}

Malik shifted around uncomfortably, wondering why Seto was looking at him funny. A hand went to his mouth, feeling around for any cinnamon traces or anything unusual, thinking there was something on his face as well.

"How about you come over to my apartment tonight around seven-ish?" Seto asked, still grinning. "Oh, and wear something sexy."

Malik blinked some more, tilting his head to the side when suddenly it dawned on him. Perhaps licking his own lips wasn't the best way to inform him of the whipped cream that covered his top lip. With a soft sigh, he simply pointed to his top lip. "You have some.. erm.. whipped.. cream.. you know.. covering your.. top lip.." he explained with a great amount of discomfort.

"Yeah, I know," the detective responded swiftly, attempting to make it seem as if he had been aware of it the whole time.

Malik didn't buy it and quirked an eyebrow in response. "So... why didn't you wipe it off?"

Seto had nothing to say to that, so he shrugged and continued to drink his coffee, hiding the little embarrassed flush on his cheeks. How dare he be caught in such an undignified manner? Even worse, the Egyptian still hadn't responded to his earlier question about their activities for the night.

Shifting the conversation to a better direction and momentarily quelling his discomfort, Malik spoke up. "Well, anyway, about why I came to see you..."

"Yes?" Seto leaned forward in interest, his eyes twinkling in admiration of himself and his own unbridled sexiness.

"It's about a boy," Malik continued hastily, ignoring the strange looks Seto wouldn't stop giving him and the distraction the whipped cream on his top lip provided. An eerie part of Malik wanted to lick it off, but he smacked that part and loudly informed it that Ryou was his true love. Nobody else would ever take his place, not even for a single night of mindless performances of the side ways tango (Sex). "Well, you see... I'm in love with him, but two years ago, he moved away to Florida. I want to find him again, but... well, I don't know where to start looking."

"Have you tried checking Florida?" Seto put in, hiding his disappointment over the fact that he obviously wasn't getting any from the Egyptian that night.

An annoyed look lit the Egyptian's features. "I'm not going to go to Florida on a blind search.. I mean, what if he moved away for college or something? I don't know where he lives! You're a detective! You look for him! I'll pay you anything!"

Seto grinned. "Oh, anything?"

"Except for sexual favours," Malik added flatly.

"Damn," Seto muttered under his breath before heaving a sigh. "Oh, fine. I'll go look for your little boyfriend. I'll call you when I find something, okay?"

Malik smiled happily and nodded. "Alright! Thank you! His name is Bakura Ryou! He's about 5'9", thin, silver-white hair, brown eyes, and a very nice ass!"

They both shook hands across the table before Malik finally got a bit fed up and grabbed a napkin, standing up from the table and making his way behind Seto while the brunet wore a confused look on his face. The Egyptian held Seto in a tight head lock and proceeded to clean the whipped cream from his top lip with the napkin. "There. Much better," he commented lightly while releasing the miffed detective. "Well, I must be on my way now. Thanks for the coffee! Hope to hear from you soon." Malik waved excitedly and skipped joyously out of the restaurant, leaving behind a baffled Seto, who unconsciously glued his eyes to Malik's behind as he skipped out.

"What the hell have I gotten myself into?" he muttered, not amused but definitely horny.

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Woo hoo! Finished another chapter! I honestly wasn't going to continue this 'cause I couldn't think of a good idea for what to do next, but this popped in my head while I was in the shower. Anyway, please review otherwise I won't finish! Hmph! I'll leave you all hanging and wondering what's going to happen next, though you could always rent the movie... erm, but this is more interesting!! And.. as you can see, I take a lot of liberties... Just read and review. Oh, yeah! I apologize if I pissed anyone off with the senseless Kaiba-bashing. Someone has to make fun of the guy -_-;; ..Please don't flame me. *Hides behind a convenient over-sized rock*

As usual, thanks to Pepita-chan for beta-reading. ^_^