Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or Evanescence. You know the rest of the drill…wanna pass it on, keep my name on it.
Author's notes: Don't get me wrong, I like Hilde – she's a great character, but after listening to Hello by Evanescence, I couldn't help but come up with this alternate turn of events. It starts right around the time that Duo is dealing with the White Fang while on colony with Hilde if you're looking for a timetable reference.
Warnings: death, angst, yaoi, mild language
Cursed Touch
*by JeiC

The White Fang is conveniently deaf when it comes to the word "no." Time and time again I tell them over and over that I'm not lending them the strength of Deathscythe-Hell or myself to their stupid cause. So blind to the idiocy of their own actions, but they are absolutely obsessed with having us as their unifying symbol. Who in their right mind would want the God of Death as their unifying symbol, I don't know, but all they see is the word "Gundam."
I don't know, maybe it is me who is mistaken. I mean, any of the other guys would be far greater in my place. My existence is a solitary one despite my open and friendly act.
The sound of children laughing and playing draws me out of my thoughts and the shadows. Involuntarily, I glide over to the schoolyard fence to watch the innocents. How nice it must be to be blissfully unaware of evil people like myself lurking around. I wonder if they knew what the White Fang was planning if they would cherish each moment of life as if it were their last. Pessimistic little thing, aren't I?
Only to add to my dark thoughts, the sky in the distance casts over to hide the sunshine. The weather control grid must've shorted again. The politicians would sooner fatten their wallets before they considered using the money to allow it to rain once in awhile. It's sad really, but I'll leave the battle with the bureaucrats up to the civilians – mine is with militaristic oppressors.

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again

Perhaps the malfunction is an ominous sign that death and destruction is about to come. All in all, I find it beautiful in a twisted sort of way, but unlike the cleansing rains of Earth, here it does nothing but make it more rotten.
Having ignored the signal for them to return inside, a teacher comes out to scold their disobedience. They had only wished a moment to dance in the poisonous rain. Well, I suppose in the eyes of a child it isn't poisonous or ominous or anything of that nature but pure joy. Only they it seems can appreciate the rain generated by this rust bucket.
As they solemnly return to class, I take my leave as well. My mind returns to my recent run in with the White Fang. They seemed off a bit…as if it was too easy to convince them that they are a bunch of idiots and that my answer was still no. I admit it didn't take as long as it usually did to beat it through their thick skulls – and this time I didn't even need the baseball bat. I know they'll be back though…probably just regrouping.
Perhaps that is a sign for me to be gone from my current hiding spot with Hilde and take my solitary existence out of their reach. Maybe Hilde will come with me – that would be a pleasant change of pace. She's like the kid sister I never had, and while I know she has some weird crush on me, I just can't do that to her. I can't afford a relationship during this time of war when I can't even guarantee my own existence for the next hour. Well, that and I don't think if even everything changed tomorrow I could see her as a potential girlfriend. I'm pretty sure I'm always going to be alone – who knows, maybe God will stop screwing me over at some point and lift this cursed touch from me. In any case, if I don't let anyone close enough, I won't get hurt and they won't get dead.
I'm a little nervous letting Hilde get this close. Even the other Gundam pilots aren't this close…well, Heero courts death so he doesn't count. Kid blows himself up with enough fire power to not only shatter gundanium, but a mobile suit built out of the stuff and lives to tell about it – I still haven't figured that one out.
Shaking my head slightly to clear my thoughts, I switch over to what wonderful meal Hilde will hopefully have ready for me when I get back…man, am I hungry! She may have been a kick-ass soldier, but that pales in comparison to her cooking. I feel kind of bad thinking about that at a time like this, but it's better than the bloody thoughts that usually like to accompany me.
Ah, home sweet safehouse…well, what has been serving my needs so far as one. I don't have a home – never have and I don't think I ever will. Okay, maybe I did once upon a time, but I don't remember it so it doesn't count.
An alarm goes off in my head when I find the door slightly ajar. Perhaps Hilde burnt lunch…or more likely, my earlier suspicions about the White Fang are more realistic than I had hoped.
My gun appears in my hand and starting at the front of the small house I work my way through every room, every closet, every shadow – every conceivable place for someone to hide to jump me. At the last room next to the back door was where my surprise lay. "Hilde!"

Has no one told you she's not breathing?

The search of the remaining outdoor portion of the property goes forgotten momentarily as I take in the blood-covered scene. Reality tries to catch up with me when I find that her pulse has long since stilled on her prone form. Rape then strangulation…four, no, five men…suddenly my eyes fall upon a crisp white note among the afterimage of a lost fight for life.
Ignoring that odd piece of perfection amongst the destruction, I think about the odds set against Hilde. She was a damn good soldier, but she couldn't possibly take on five grown men – not all at once anyway. It seems they used their power of numbers against her. Who…the note.

"To Duo Maxwell,

Now there is nothing left to keep you from walking your path with us. You have been liberated.

The White Fang "

If they want liberation, I'll show them what it's all about. They chose the wrong Gundam pilot to mess with.
I can feel him taking over…taking control and bringing order to my chaotic mind. The God of Death is awakening and in a twisted way, I take comfort in that. He protects me in battle – helps me when my cursed touch has taken another…another like Hilde.

Hello, I'm your mind giving you
Someone to talk to
Hello

What do I do now?
Erase the crime scene. Dispose of the body. Destroy the White Fang starting with those who brought about their end.
Understood.
I should probably be disturbed by that, but I'm not, and I'm not going to try and figure out why. Setting about my tasks, I find that in no time, I have finished – the house is spotless and in order, Hilde is in her spacesuit, and I'm on my way again to find the five to put and end to their existence. After that, I'll leave this colony and destroy her body with the thermal blade of my buddy's scythe in space.
Hilde lived for space, it is only fitting that her ashes be set to rest in its equally cold and lifeless embrace.
Day becomes night and I barely acknowledge the passage of time with each battle. With each battle I find myself taking more risks – putting myself on the edge and pushing further. A mortal body can only withstand Shinigami's control for so long…I just haven't found the end yet. Eventually I find myself without anymore battles to pass the time and a war that has become an ended nightmare.
A party, hosted by the master himself, Quatre R. Winner. Hate to be sarcastic, but the guy is the head of the Winner Corporation now. Guess I can't blame the kid for wanting to get all of us Gundam pilots together for one last big hoorah before we all go our separate ways, but of course, he has offered us time and time again to stay as long as we would like. I think Trowa may be the only one to take him up on that offer.

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream

Duo, the loud-mouthed American takes center stage – now me making a total ass out of myself is quality entertainment. As my mouth and my antics set themselves on autopilot, my mind again takes a turn to darker things.
Solo, my best friend, lost yet as sure as my name is Duo, I'll never forget. He was the first victim of my cursed touch…or was it my parents? I don't ever remember having parents before Solo and the gang. I wonder if the others remember Solo…I wonder if they're still alive. Why did the plague take him? He was the best, the fairest, and the most caring leader anyone could have hoped for. I was the only one to witness his passing from this mortal realm. God, it should have been me who died and not him…not anyone else but me. God…
Here I have to stop. I don't believe in God so why am I calling to him now? Probably just a habit I've picked up from all those stuffy Catholic schools I've hidden in…hearing it as a call of desperation by the people on L2…or rather something I remember from the Maxwell Church. You know, I'll never forsake what Father Maxwell and Sister Helen tried to teach me – I may not believe what they did, but I'll never preach against them. I just couldn't…I mean if Solo was the closet thing I had to an older brother then the kind priest and nun who took me in when everyone else rejected me would have to be my father and mother. They loved me even when I got into fights in school, even when I told them I didn't believe in God, even when I cost them their lives. I can't forget them either – with my braid as my cross and Maxwell as the inscription, their memories live on with me.
Me who calls himself the God of Death. Yeah, I know, some tribute that is, but both on the battlefield and off, that is who I am. Get too close and you're gonna die. Hilde was the last one who tested that theory – I never meant to cause her to die. I wish she was still here…someone who would listen to me.
It seems that at some point, autopilot ran out of programming and I excused myself from the festivities. Staring out at the stars I wonder if her ashes still linger about L2 – half hoping she isn't too pissed off that I used my buddy's thermal scythe to cremate her body.
Blinking momentarily, I find amusement in that. Hey, I did what had to be done…can't go around leaving whole bodies in space – people start to get suspicious and then things just get messy from there.
"Duo? Are you okay? I mean…"

Don't try to fix me I'm not broken

"What?" I can feel Quatre taking a step closer. Shit, I didn't think I had said that aloud.
Well, it's not like I can lie to the kid with him being empathic and all. I'll just reword it a bit to sound a little nicer, "I'm fine, Q. Just wanted some quiet time – I'm sure the others are grateful."
"Duo…"
The disbelieving, warning tone doesn't settle well with me. "Quatre…" I'm forced to pause momentarily to regather my thoughts into something he won't see through so easily. "Look, we've all seen a lot of shit that guys our age wouldn't have dreamed of let alone should have seen in this damned war. I was just thinking about stuff, that's all. Besides, this is me – I'll bounce back in no time. See?" To prove my point I jump, make a turn of three hundred, sixty degrees and land with a smile sliding easily over my formerly introspective face.
Cutting off the blonde Arabian's next comment, I provide the spoken words for him, "And yes, I know where to find you if I run into a wall." Using my involuntary yawn to excuse myself, I leave his company with as much energy as I can manage.

Hello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the biggest fool of them all? Why I am of course. I'll run forever, I'll hide at every opportunity, and while I don't flat out lie to people's faces, I do live one. I am alone…I'll always be alone. It kills people to love me.
The other pilots are comrades in arms – I play the fool to keep them away. It hurts so much, but it's better than them winding up dead. I can't help but care deeply for each of them…Heero especially.
Hey, I'm not like that…or am I? Shaking my head I remind myself that I hope that he finds his niche in this new peaceful era that he brought about and while part of me wishes to be by his side, I know that's impossible. All I can do is love him from a distance and wish him the best in his future.
Flopping onto the bed, I stare at the drab, boring, dark ceiling. I wonder what I'll do now that the war is over. Can't kill myself – then no one would be around to remember…course it's gonna suck when I die, but I'll worry about that later. Q would probably offer me a job with his company…so would Tro with the circus, but Catherine is a mean sister and I don't think he's ready to give up his position as a human target yet. Fei had mentioned something at the party about there being a need for people to act as international police officers – Preventers I think he called them. School…Heero had stated that he was going back to school, but personally, I think it's not for academic reasons.
A delivery guy – that's what I'll be. Not your average delivery guy, mind you. With this I can stay in touch with everyone, but I'll never be in one place long enough to get attached.
As I mentally start working out the idea, sleep comes to me. Ah, the comforting blackness of unconsciousness – how well it protects me from the cruelty that is reality. So perfectly alone in a world where no one truly dies.
"You can't survive alone – it's human nature."
Eh? Someone's here? I look around for the voice that drifted past me on imaginary wind, but black encompasses all for as far as I can see.
"Duo!"
Spinning quickly, my mind puts the voice to a name, "Hilde, what are you doing here? Have you come to get revenge on me?"
A moment of confusion and then her face lights up – so much as I remember her when she was alive. "Revenge? That's so silly, Duo. You're my knight in stealthy black armor. You nobly avenged my dishonorable death and gave me a burial I could only dream of." Her animated movements grasping my attention and refusing to let go even as something is screaming at me to keep my guard up. "So why would I want revenge? On second thought, don't answer that."
"I'm sorry, Hilde. I am so very sorry for what I did to you." Hot tears fall down my face, and in this dream-world, I am still surprised that I can cry. That I still know how to cry.
"The little lady is right, kid. It ain't your fault and you can't survive alone." Into my range of vision walks another ghost named Solo. "You lived – live for that instead of our deaths."
Now the party will be complete if two more show up and right on time are Father Maxwell and Sister Helen. Hate to be sarcastic, but this is so cliché. "Live for the lives you saved – the peace you helped bring about."
Shaking my head I soon realize that I involuntarily took a few steps back. "Look, they call me the God of Death for a reason – I took lives. The other Gundam pilots brought about peace, not me. I only brought death and destruction – nothing to help and everything to send me straight to the depths of hell!" I cry and scream – man is my head ever pounding.
"You call yourself that, kid – you are more importantly ARE called Duo Maxwell. You have already more than honored the passing of all of us and so many more."
"Live for yourself, you aren't cursed. Follow your heart and find your home. We'll be keeping an eye on you."

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping

And as like all those movies and such, I wake up with a start, but instead of a cold sweat, I find tears still falling. After taking a few moments to calm myself and wipe the evidence from my face, I check the time. Damn, it's too early to get up and too late to go back to sleep – not that I could rest if I wanted to. I decide that it is time to move on and quickly pack the few belongings I actually have with me. No sense in delaying my eventual departure – at least this way, I don't have to say goodbye.
The words from the dream come back to me – follow my heart to find my home. Yeah, great advice and all, but I need a translator for that if I even have a heart left.
The house is dark and silent – all are asleep. It's the time of day where all good former Gundam pilots should be tucked away in their beds.
Turning the corner towards the exit, there is more than wood blocking my path. "Duo."

Hello, I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday

"Heero." I acknowledge softly in return. The one I hold closest to my frozen heart…why is he here? I note the pack slung over his shoulder. "You should be in bed."
"So should you."
I blink for a moment – he always does manage to do that to me. "Nah, I know where I'm not wanted…just saves on teary goodbyes."
"You are wanted…we all survived this war – being near you isn't going to kill us." My eyes narrow as I try to determine how he got that information. "Your room was next to mine – I heard you in your sleep."
"Good, now go back there." Hefting his pack higher on his shoulder, he simply leans against the doorframe blocking my exit. "Look, kid, if you value your life, you'll let me go and not follow."
"I think having played in Shinigami's shadow my entire life, I deserve the right to walk beside him."
Laughing quietly I come to an understanding, "I forgot I was talking to a guy that has yet to get his flashy suicide attempts right. Fine, lets blow this joint."
Allowing me access to the door, he smirks, "Mission, accepted."
"Would you drop that damn line already?"

Fin
May 2003
*by JeiC