DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of these characters, I was just feeling very
insane and wrote it.
WAS HUMPTY PUSHED?
Eyebrows were raised as the entire of the King's Army turned up at the
scene of the grisly accident that occurred yesterday afternoon. Pieces of
eggshell still littered the pavement, yet to be cleared up. Many onlookers
came to mourn - and celebrate - the loss of the beloved Humpty Dumpty, most
famous for his role in 'The Goose with the Golden Egg' and his recent
appearance in 'I'm A Poultry Product, Get Me Out Of Here'.
"He made us laugh, he made us cry," said Chicken Licken, another celebrity
who was also in 'I'm a Poultry Product, Get Me Out Of Here', "I've known
him since I was just a yellow ball of fuzz. It is a great loss to the
The story of Humpty's death shocked the nation. The discovery was made by
his neighbour, Turkey Lurkey. "I just heard the sound of cracking
eggshells," said the bereft bird, "I thought nothing of it. But when I
popped outside to visit Ducky Lucky, I saw the yolk dripping off the
kerb..." At this point Miss Lurkey dissolved into sobs, and a very
comforting Mr Fox put his arm round her and invited her to his house for a
quick cup of tea.
The news spread quickly throughout the land, mainly by the Internet Link at
the renowned pub in the town, The Horse's Mouth. Sightseers quickly flocked
to the area to pay their respects and gloat.
"All he wanted to do was sit on the wall," sobbed Snow White, a notorious
old flame of Humpty's, "Who would have anything against him?"
"I might," said Cinderella, a notorious older flame of Humpty's, glaring at
Cinderella's fiancee the Handsome Prince, who wishes to remain nameless,
said "Personally, I think that its good riddance to ******* rubbish. I
think that Humpty was a ******* asshole, and deserved all that came to him,
the ******* *******."
Rumours are spreading like wildfire about why this tragedy occurred. A
shady character was seen leaving the area, who has yet to be identified.
"We think it was that Big Bad Wolf," said the Messieurs Little-Pig, "He
tried to kill US, once, but luckily we introduced him to Slimfast. Maybe
he's hungry again."
I caught up with the rather shady Mr Wolf myself this afternoon, when he
was out for a walk in the forest with a girl in a rather fetching red
riding hood in the forest.
"I didn't do nuffink," he growled. He seemed rather tetchy, so I didn't
press the point any further or point out his use of a double negative. I
wished him luck in his new romance and left rather hurriedly.
Many onlookers are wondering why attempts to put Mr Humpty back together
again have been postponed repeatedly.
"We have to wait for the forensics team to arrive," said the spokesman for
all the King's Men, "They will determine what brought about this accident -
if that indeed is what it is."
I asked about other possibilities. "Well, there is a chance that this is
just an accident. In which case we'll need to discover who was at fault; Mr
Humpty or the wall. As you can see, it does not stand at a perfect 90-
degree angle. That would be the fault of the Council, and it would need to
be corrected to prevent anything like this disaster ever happening again.
"But there is the chance that it was intentional, in which case an inquiry
will need to be made into his murder, and whether complete scrambling was
intended, or just to scare him. And there is a chance that he may have been
depressed, maybe from drugs or drink or an illustrious love affair..." At
this Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and the Wicked Witch of the
West looked up. "... In which case we'll need to do a series of television
programmes, magazine specials and films about this entire episode in his
"But right now the forensics team has been delayed in Agrabah, apparently
'Aladdin Airlines' has grounded all its carpets for hoovering."
Many are muttering at this and gossiping about the possibility of a
government conspiracy to get rid of Humpty. He is well known for his book
'The Egg came Before the Chicken', containing his controversial views on
how the world began. There are also many rumours about an affair with
Glenda the Good Witch, the Court Magician.
Onlookers included the grieving mother of Humpty Dumpty, Mrs Henny Penny
"I just can't believe it," she said, "I mean, when he was younger, he was
always getting cracked and splintered, but he always recovered with very
little yolk loss, and he'd come out of it smiling. I just wish that they'd
clear him up. I hate the idea of him just lying out on the streets."
Celebrities have been arriving throughout the day to say goodbye to a dear
friend. Goosey Goosey Gander, the star of 'The Goose with the Golden Egg',
came to pay respects to her co-star. "He was a very dear friend," she said,
"I enjoyed working with him. He'd sit in make-up for hours every morning,
getting painted gold, and he never complained."
Several film makers are discussing movies of Humpty's life, including
'Humpty, I hardly knew ye!" and 'An Egg too Far'. Stars such as Cinderella,
Dopey the dwarf and Frodo Baggins have been hinted to be playing certain
But the question on everyone's lips is - will all the King's Men ever be
able to put Humpty back together again?
Hope you enjoyed it! Please tell me if you want any more shock reports from