-

[August 2002]

"So what's this all about, Mina-chan?" Makoto asked her friend as

they met on the steps of the Hikawa Shrine.

"I don't know," the young blonde answered, "Usagi just said I

needed to get over here right away."

"Well, after you, my lady," Makoto said, waving her friend

forward with a sweeping bow.

With an amused giggle, Mina curtsied and then headed inside the

temple. Even though they had long since graduated high school,

the sailor senshi still met quite regularly at the shrine. It

occurred to Mina that perhaps it was a bit strange that their

lives were still so similar now as to how they had been back

then. 'Well, our lives were never normal to begin with,' she

mused.

In the sitting room that served as the unofficial "Sailor

Headquarters", Mina and Mako found an annoyed Rei and an agitated

Usagi waiting for them.

"Now will you tell us what this is all about, meatball head?" Rei

exclaimed.

"What about Ami?" Mako asked, taking her traditional seat next to

the place where Ami should have been.

"Ami's not coming," Usagi announced. "That's the problem." As

Mina and Rei got settled, Usagi pulled a small box out of her

backpack. "I found this in my mailbox this morning. It's from

Ami. The note said that I shouldn't watch it until we were all

together." Usagi tossed a piece of paper on the table, which Rei

quickly grabbed and read aloud.

"Dearest Usagi-chan, I know that I have rarely asked many favors

of you, so I hope you will please do as I ask now. Enclosed you

will find a videotape. Though I know you are very curious,

please do not watch it until you are with Minako, Rei, and

Makoto. It is meant for them as much as you. I love you all very

much. Ami."

"What the hell?" Makoto muttered, a look of annoyance forming on

her face.

"And you actually listened and didn't watch it?" Minako asked

Usagi incredulously.

"Yes! But I can't wait anymore!" Usagi quickly stuck the tape

into the VCR and pushed the play button.

-

[The black screen suddenly comes to life. The scene is Ami's

computer room at her home. Apparently, the camera rests on the

desk, pointing at Ami who sits in her chair, her hands folded

primly in her lap. After a deep breath, Ami speaks.]

"Hello. First, I hope you will forgive me. I don't usually like

melodrama like this, but it was the only way I could conceive of

to do what needed to be done. You all know how difficult

goodbyes are for me. It was too hard to leave back in junior

high and would only have been harder this time around.

Fortunately, Chibi-Usa is not here this time to divulge my

secrets and I can find my way to the airport without Mamoru's

help.

"As you will have guessed by now, I have left. Knowing Usagi,

you are watching this within an hour of when she found it, so as

you sit, in the shrine most likely, I am on a jet bound for the

United States. I have been accepted into a year-long exchange

program at Stanford University in San Francisco.

"I hope you will all understand why I have decided to say my

farewells in a video, instead of in person. You see, I've come

to the conclusion that it is really important for me to have some

time away from Tokyo, away from Sailor Mercury, and, truthfully,

away from all of you.

"They say that you can't go home again, but I don't believe that.

I think you can go home again, but that in order to do so, you

must leave at some point. Our lives have become stagnant. We do

the same things, have the same discussions, the same arguments,

that we did a year ago, five years ago. In order to grow, to

gain the experiences we will all need to fulfill our duties in

the future, we need some time to ourselves. At least, I do. I

suspect that what is true for me is true for all of us, but

perhaps that is not fair.

[A long pause, another deep breath, Ami's hands begin fidgeting

in her lap.]

"It was not easy to do this. It is hard to keep secrets from

those who know you better than you know yourself. We are all so

close. True, some of the bonds between us are stronger than

others. However, even those ties which are not quite as strong

as the others still go deeper than most people even realize is

possible.

"Though I've placed my life in your hands more times than I can

count, though I would gladly give my own to save yours, though I

love you beyond words, I am sorry, Mina-chan, that we have not

had more time to spend together, just the two of us. I hope to

rectify that when we return.

"Rei-chan, Usagi-chan, we've been together since the very

beginning and I don't know how I will manage without the two of

you in my life. That is exactly the reason that I must go. I

cannot be the person I will need to be if I am not confident in

my ability to stand on my own. I know you'll both understand.

[Ami reaches forward and the screen blinks for a moment. After

an apparent pause, Ami sits again in the same position, but her

eyes are red and her face is flushed. Her hands rub her forearms

as if she is suddenly cold. When she speaks, her voice

trembles.]

"I thought I could do this. I really thought I could. I had a

plan. I even wrote my little speech. But, wouldn't that have

been going against the very point of what I'm doing? Something

had to give. It took me a long time to realize what was going on

with us. Once I did realize, it took even longer to understand

that things would never change unless something happened. Right

or wrong, I had to do something.

[Tears silently fall down Ami's cheeks as she talks, her words

rushing out in a torrent, as if she is afraid that if she stops

speaking, she'll never be able to start again.]

"You all know what I'm talking about! We all know each other too

well not to know, but we all ignore it or pretend that we don't

know or that no one else knows. It's not healthy!

"Haven't you all wondered why Luna and Artemis don't spend much

time with us anymore, why they decided to move in with Haruka and

Michiru. Watching it was killing them, just like it is killing

us. I spoke with them. They know. They know other things too,

but they wouldn't tell me. Things about the Silver Millennium

that they remember or maybe things from Crystal Tokyo that Diana

told them before she left. They said that we had to sort it out

on our own. They wouldn't say whether they approved of my plan

or not, but they didn't try to stop me, so I hope I'm doing the

right thing.

[Finally, a break. Another deep breath, taken in gasps as the

tears continue to fall. A pause to wipe eyes and sniffle into a

tissue. Ami seems to gather courage and then continues quickly.]

"Mako-chan, I love you. I've loved you for a very long time now.

Not the way that I love the rest. You know what I mean. You

must. You all know. I'm not that good an actress to keep the

single most important thing in my life over the last few years

hidden from my dearest friends. It's funny, just admitting it

makes it easier to go on. I wasn't sure up till this moment

whether or not I'd have the courage to actually give you all

this tape, but now I know I will. I think I've known on one

level since the moment we first met, Mako-chan, but it took a

long time for me to admit it to myself.

"So, that's the weight that borne me down over the years, but it

isn't everything. It all has to come out, so we can move on.

Don't any of you dare to stop this tape. I think you all know,

deep inside, that it's time to clear the air.

"Mako-chan, I've never said anything to you of my feelings

because I've always known that you did not return them. It isn't

hard to see who holds your heart in her hands. Mina-chan, you

cannot have missed it. You are the senshi of love, aren't you?

Makoto loves you as much as you love Rei.

[A mirthless laugh]

"Ironic isn't it? Maybe that curse on Minako filtered into all

of us on one of those Sailor Teleports. How better to ensure

that none of us know love than to make us all love each other,

but in the wrong order. I love Makoto, Makoto loves Minako,

Minako loves Rei. We all know who Rei loves.

"Oh Usagi-chan, I know that you've always hoped Rei would grow

out of it. Maybe on a deep level, you enjoy having her love.

Maybe you return it to some degree, though I've never doubted

that your truest love will always be Mamoru. Don't you see,

though, nothing will change simply by waiting, because we all

have centuries to wait. Rei pines for you, Mina pines for her

and so on down the line to me. I guess it would be fitting if

Mamoru had a crush on me, but I've never seen any evidence of

that. I guess that makes me the low woman on the totem pole.

"I'm not trying to garner sympathy though. If there's one thing

that's clear, it's that we've all suffered enough. Like I said

before, something has to give. We all deserve love. Once, I

asked Luna if all of Serenity's handmaidens were doomed to

loveless lives, so they wouldn't be distracted from their duties.

She told me I was being foolish, but wouldn't say anything more

on the topic. That gives me some hope. Maybe we are allowed to

have love, to be happy outside of our duties. I'm hoping that by

doing this, I will enable that for at least some of us.

"For me, well, I will have my studies. I can't imagine anything

that would ever turn my heart from Kino Makoto, but hopefully

distance will dull the pain. I am used to losing myself in books

and in work.

"I'm sorry to drop this on you and then leave. It's not very

fair, but it's all I could think to do. I'm so sorry. I love

you all so much. Please don't hate me. I will email you all

with my new contact information. I hope to hear from you, but I

guess I will understand if I do not.

[Ami falls silent. From time to time, it seems she has something

more to say, but she never does. After 2 excruciating minutes,

she simply stands and shuts off the recording. Black screen.]

-

The long silence in which the senshi had watched Ami's video

lingered for some time after the video stopped. No one moved to

shut off the VCR. No one commented. Finally, a loud click

indicated that the tape had reached an end. It rang through the

room like a gunshot and broke the spell.

"Fuck Ami!" Makoto growled, leaping to her feet. "Fuck her!

Cowardly bitch!" As her friends stared at her aghast, Mako

stormed out of the temple.

In the wake of Makoto's departure, Rei stood silently and strode

from the room without a word to anyone. Minako and Usagi heard

several doors sliding down the hallway. Apparently, Rei had

left the building.

Minako and Usagi simply stared at each other, unsure of what to

say or what to do next.