A/N: All the standard disclaimers. Thanks to everyone who's reviewed my
other stories. It's what encourages me to write more. I'm trying a slightly
different format for this story. First seeing it from Brennan's Point of
View then Shalimar's; please let me knew how you think it works out. The
story takes place the night after Brennan and Jesse come home in Hard Time.
I'm suddenly looking down at Shalimar's dead body. I know I'm the one who
killed her , but no, that can't be right. I'd never hurt her. I'll kill
whoever did this to her. But it was me. I feel my knees buckle as I fall
down beside her body.
"Shal! Shal! Nooooooo!"
Someone is shaking me and a I hear her voice. But that's not possible.
"Brennan! Bren! Wake! Up!"
Wake up? Then this is a nightmare? Please let this be a nightmare. I close
my eyes and try to focus on her voice. When I open them again she's sitting
there on my bed, a worried look on her beautiful face and an anxious,
almost scared look in her eyes. I can't help myself from reaching out and
pulling her to me. I *have* to know that she is real and alive. That me
killing her was really was just a nightmare.
I feel her arms going around me and her hands start to gently rub my back.
She's saying something. I don't pay attention to the words. They don't
matter. She's alive to say them, that's what matters. It's a few minutes
before she pulls away.
"Brennan, what's wrong? What were you dreaming? About the fight? You said
my name? Why?"
I don't want to answer, but I know she won't leave 'til I do. I want to
lie, but there's no way I can lie to her. I just can't. "Yeah. But it
wasn't Jesse I was fighting. It was you. I. . .I killed you, Shal. I
couldn't stop myself and I killed you."
I fell her fingers on my skin as she reaches over and tips my chin up so I
have to look her in the eyes. Normally something I love doing.
"I'm OK. You didn't hurt me. It was a nightmare. After what they did to
you. . . well, it's not surprising you'd have a few nightmares."
She stands up and moves away from the bed. I can't blame her for not
wanting to be near me, but that doesn't stop it hurting. I'm glad she's not
looking at me so she won't see the pain. But she doesn't go out the door,
doesn't leave me. I watch her go into my bathroom and hear the water run. A
minute later she comes back and hands me the glass. I look down and take a
drink to hide the guilt in my eyes. I should have known Shal wouldn't leave
me like that. Her loyalty is one of the things I admire most in her. OK,
this is SOOOO not the time to think about what I admire in her.
I finally lean over and put the glass on the night stand. "Thanks."
She smiles at me, as always it comes close to taking my breathe away.
"You're welcome. Feel like talking now? It might help."
"Well, I don't remember a lot of details about the fight, or the nightmare.
Just that in the nightmare it was you in the cage with me, not Jesse. And
there was not antidote and I killed you. It's a good thing you guys did
come up with the antidote or I would have killed Jess for real. I still
can't believe he's already forgiven me."
"Jesse is very forgiving. And he knows that it was the drug, not you. So
you two talked? You're OK?"
I nod. "Yeah. We talked and things are OK. I don't think either of us will
be wanting to spar against the other for a while, but. . . I know this has
to be harder on him. You saw the fight. It was a massacre. He was trying
his best not to hurt me, while I was trying my hardest to hurt him. He
wasn't using his ability to phase, or he could have knocked me out with one
punch. I was using my power to hurt him every chance I got. Plus, he
remembers it. I don't really, mostly just the damage on him, done by me,
that I saw after, and. . .impressions, feelings. And he told me that I said
some things to him, I got the impression they were not good things. Did he
tell you what I said?"
"No. Sorry. I know it doesn't always seem like it, but in his own way Jess
is almost as secretive about some things as you are. Give him some time."
I notice that she is still sitting on the edge of the bed. A few feet away
from me. One of the things I've enjoyed about our relationship is how
comfortable we are with each other physically. There's almost no personal
space needed between us. I wonder if this has changed that. If she is
afraid of me. Beating around the bush has never been my style so . . . "Are
*we* OK? I know you had to watch the fight, that had to be hard. Jesse's
your oldest friend. Are you mad at me for hurting him? Are you scared of me
She moves closer and takes my hand. "We're fine. I trust you. I always
have, always will. It wasn't easy watching the fight, no. I mean, Jess is
like my brother and I hate to see him hurt. But. . . well, it was really
hard to watch you be hurt. To know what those bastards had done to you, and
to see what Jesse was doing to you. If it had been anyone else I'd probably
have jumped in the ring, given you the antidote, then hit them myself for
hurting you like that. Not that you couldn't take care of yourself, I know
you can, but you weren't yourself right then. You were out of control and
could have killed them, and even if it had been a criminal, not Jesse, you
aren't a killer and would never have forgiven yourself if you'd killed
All I can think to say is, "Thank you." At first I'm upset that she said
Jess was her brother, and didn't say that about me. Then I consider that my
feelings for her are not even remotely brotherly and so maybe it's a good
thing. It also means Jesse isn't competition. Again, not the time to go
She catches me off guard when leans in a gives me a gentle kiss on the
lips. Before I can even respond she pulls back.
"Why don't you try and get some sleep. You're still exhausted. I can see it
in your eyes."
I am tired, and looking over at the clock I see it's about 2:30 in the
morning. "Yeah. Some sleep sounds good. Thanks for waking me up from that
nightmare. Sorry I woke you up." I try to apologize.
"Why don't I stay here? That way if you have anymore nightmares I'll be
here to wake you up. It's lucky I heard you earlier."
I'm stunned at her offer. She volunteered to spend the rest of the night
here with me knowing I'd just dreamed about killing her. She really does
trust me. It's an amazing and humbling feeling. One I am seriously not used
to. I try to give her an out. "If you're sure."
She smiles at me and moves to pull the blanket down so she can get in and
lie down with me. I quickly move over to give her some room. She snuggles
in close to me. As I wrap an arm around her, being careful to keep it
light, I promise myself I will never betray her trust in me. As I drift off
I'm suddenly sure that any more dreams I have tonight will be pleasant
ones, not nightmares. Not with her in my arms.