Futurama- Bi-Nonsensical Man
Written by Andrew Kaiko
Guest-starring Robin Williams as the Head of Robin Williams, Kenneth
Quarkle, and various extras
Here's my first fan fiction of a made-up episode in the animated television
show Futurama, from the same creator as The Simpsons. I do not own the
characters and all related subjects. All Futurama characters, names,
likenesses (ha ha! Likenesses! Heh heh h-h-heehhhh. Ahh. *AHEM!*) and
all other subjects are TM and © FOX and it's parent, affiliate and
NOTE: To those die-hard Futurama-heads who take every little detail in the
show seriously, keep in mind that there may be some inconsistencies I
include by ACCIDENT, due to the fact that I am NOT as die-hard a Futurama
follower as I used to be. To give you an idea, I have seen all of Season
1, about half of Season 2, and sporadic numbers of episodes from the
following Seasons. Given that there were about 4 Seasons in all, please
tolerate any possible plot hole or weak point in my story, for they are due
to having not seen a crucial episode that contradicts those specific plot
points. PLEASE do not criticize me if there are points in the story that
contradict what was indicated in a particular episode, because I DO NOT
MEAN to make them! Thank you so much!
Futurama Theme Sequence Activated!
Opening card: "Digital handbook for the Cryogenic Kind"
Two-second clip of Homer strangling Bart on billboard screen, and then to
the opening credits.
Created by Matt Groening
Developed by Matt Groening and David X. Cohen
Year 3002. New New York City. It was a pretty good place to be, if you
could tolerate Neptunian Slug and Robot Rights. Yep, it takes many a brave
human to live here, and that's just what the Planet Express delivery
service had to offer- primitive, unspoiled human scum to slave themselves
to your command!
Headed by Professor Hubert Farnsworth, his great great great great great
great great great great great great great great great great great great
great great great great great great great great great great great great
uncle, Fry of the Stupid Ages, and their captain, the cyclopean space
damsel Leela, they are the few, the proud, the delivery service!
Thanks to my superior mind, I would start by telling you my ingenious plan
to kill them all and cease control over Earth, but I won't. That's for
next week. Instead, today, we find our insignificant apes taking a break
from work, and attending the studio in LA where the popular television game
show, Celebrity Head-Off, was filming! The Professor himself had the
fortunate winning ticket to go play on the show, and the others were there
to root for him from the audience.
"Go, Professor! You can do it! You only have one more question to go
before you win the game!" shouted Fry.
Bender, their immoral robot, added, "Yeah! Let's see you kick that
"Speaking of.," Fry dashed off to the washroom.
The opponent was the famous 20th Century celebrity, the head of Robin
Williams, placed atop the opposite alter. A device was rigged on one side
of his tank so he could press the buzzer in time. The score was 95 to 95,
and the point of the game was to reach 100 points before the game ended.
To end the game, you had to answer a certain number of questions correctly,
or when the time was up and the player with the higher points won.
The Professor's heart was beating at a quick 10 beats per minute! Wow, was
he nervous! But he was highly scholared, so this last question should be a
Your host, Kenneth Quarkle, said, "Okay! We're on the winning stretch,
Ladies and Germs!"
"You're telling me," said the giant Germ, flanked by his Ladies.
"Let's see if brains can beat fame in the final round of Celebrity Head-
Off! Are you ready, Professor Farnsworth?"
"OoOoOoo, as ready as I'll ever be!"
"And are you ready, Mr. Williams?"
The head spoke, "Lay it on me, Kenneth!"
"OKAY! The last question is: what color was the slug's tongue on McKinley,
the transparent planet, before it died out?"
The Professor choked. "Ooh, come on! You know this one! Think! Think!"
But the buzzer went off on the head's side first, who said, "If I remember
correctly, the answer is clear!"
Quarkle remarked, "So, what is it?!"
"That's the answer!" replied the head. "It was clear! As in,
"THAT'S RIGHT! MR. WILLIAMS GETS A BRAND NEW CAR!"
William's head cheered for himself. "Wooo! Ha ha!"
The Professor couldn't believe his hearing aid. He couldn't even move a
"And as for you, Professor, you know what all losers in this game get,
riiiight? A TOUR OF THE RUINS OF OLD LOS ANGELOS! IN THE SEWERS!"
A trapdoor immediately opened below the Professor, and he didn't have time
to react as he was dropped downward out of the studio and into the sewers!
Leela heard a loud crash!
Fry just came back from the bathroom and rushed back to his seat, hitting
several people, robots and aliens in the heads. "Leela! Leela! What
happened? Who won? Did the Professor win?!"
Leela was shocked at what she just saw. "No! He lost!"
"To Robin Williams!"
The entire audience screamed,
Back at the Planet Express, Amy was busy fixing the kitchen shelf above the
sink, which was about to fall off its plate. She was struggling to fasten
it with a hammer, and even though she was sweating, she was still making
some progress. She cursed something in Chinese.
Dr. Zoidburg dashed into the kitchen and said, "What was that suspense-
increasing noise?!" He saw the shelf fall down and various cans topple out
onto the floor. "Oh nooooo! My preeecious fish eggs! Ooooh, and they
were sooo yoooooung!" To which he then gobbled them up to ease his pain.
The door hatch flew open, and the rest of the Planet Express crew wearily
dragged in the Professor, who was now in a wheelchair (although now, it was
called a hover-chair), and his right arm was in a cast. He was droning
slowly, "OoohohoOoOOOoOoOOoooo." Leela and Amy went to comfort him and
patted him (veeeeeeeeeeery gently) on the back.
"Professor, the kitchen shelf just broke while you were out and I've been
trying to fix it!"
"OhohoohoooooOOOOoo." He was still droning aimlessly, expressing his
"Auh! Is he even listening to what I'm saying?" she asked Bender.
Bender replied, "Eh, you need to allow time for him to react."
"Bender!" said Leela, pushing the hover-chair. "That's not a very nice
thing to say!"
"Aw, shucks. Warn't nothin'."
"OhoohohoOOooo, I'm a failure! Why couldn't I answer that last question in
time? Why?" He overly-dramatized "why" in an arm-flaring extreme posture.
Fry was the last one to enter the room. "Wow, the Professor's really
beating himself up this time! It isn't the first time he felt old too!"
Leela added, "Yeah. Remember how his clone told him he was too old to be a
successful scientist and he turned himself in when Death came and guided
him to the morgue?"
The Professor added, "I DID get his phone number! He gives a great back
massage too! OoOOOoooo, but Death is a thing of the past now. Now I know
I won't have much more time until I write my will."
Leela replied, "But you wrote that 60 years ago! Oh, you can't die on us
now, Professor! You own this whole business and the ship, you gave all off
us jobs, and you're SO GOOD at making everyone else realize how very, very,
very YOUNG they are!"
"But what else can I do? I've tried all my latest inventions, and all I
got were an additional 45 years. Ooo, uh, which reminds me! I must write
my will, lest I should I forget!"
Leela's eye half closed, as she was not amused.
Bender leaned against the wall, smoking his cigar. "Too bad you're not a
robot. You'll never die! 'Course, you'd never be alive in the first
place, but hey, who's keepin' track, right?"
They all turned toward the useless robot that didn't seem to notice their
reaction. Everyone had his or her mouths wide open, not out of insult, but
out of astonishment.
Leela yelped, "Bender! What an outrageous idea!" Then she smiled and
said, "Thank you!"
Bender suddenly jolted into attention and acted as though he just did
something nice. "Aaah! What?! What idea?! Who?" He accidentally bit
"We can surgically replace the Professor's life-determining organs with
machines! He'll be able to sustain his life span to as long as he wishes!
And he'll be happy again in a day!"
Fry blinked. "A day?! Doesn't surgery take weeks?"
"Maybe in the 20th Century, it did."
"And I thought you didn't have control over when you died!"
"Well, I think it was 2956 when the doctor named Frederic Robbs finally
invented an artificial heart with a control device that you can set to how
long you want to live! It disposed of senior citizen's anxieties, and
helped them plan out their retirement and the rest of their lives easier!"
Bender then composed himself, taking out another cigar out of his chest
compartment. "Oh well, if you said it was a good idea, that'll be five
bucks a piece!"
The Professor brightened and said, "Why, that IS an outrageous idea! I
wonder why I didn't think of it first." He paused for about 15 seconds and
said, "THE KITCHEN SHELF!! THANKS FOR TELLING ME SO PROMPTLY!" He inched
himself to the kitchen to fix it, leaving his speechless comrades.
Meanwhile, in the vast, infinite reaches of outer space, I, the most
terrifying and most threatening creature of all time, heard of the news
through my television set (hey, even monstrous aliens need their SciFi
channel) and took action IMMEDIATELY! Surely, with the most ancient and
mature mind of the entire planet Earth (Fransworth) combined with the most
up-to-date technology provided, I would certainly be overthrown in the
galaxy as Most Brilliant Alien Inventor in the Galaxy!
Who did he think he was? Attempting to live forever? I alone knew the
TRUE meaning of immortality, and no one else ever knew the secret to
eternal youth! NO ONE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
But I didn't crackle madly yet- that should be saved for the climactic
ending! No, I kept all my excitement within my alien body, put on my space
coat, kissed the Misses good-bye, and SAUGHT ORDER TO MY PLANET! Heading
off into the farthest reaches of space, stopping for gas here and there, I
managed to reach Earth undetected by human scum eyes, and shrunk myself to
resemble an innocent human pet (what's it called again? I can't remember.
pog? Dug? Oh at any rate, I resembled some innocent furry creature!
That's what's important! Yes!).
I started to wander about the streets when I targeted the captain of Pizza
Express, walking that monster of a pet of her's! She wasn't alone- another
female was walking along side her- so I carefully timed the right moment
for me to jump out of a dark alley, and be noticed!
The captain's friend said, "Oh look! It's a homeless little dog! Oh, the
poor thing's probably starving and unhealthy! Leela! Can-"
"The answer is no, Amy. Nibbler here is a handful around work as it is."
The captain who dubbed herself Leela paused and finally said, "Well, he is
Nibbler took offense to that.
"Oh, alright. But only until he's healthy enough for Nibbler to eat him."
"He can't eat him! Leela, we can at least try to find it's owner! With
the internet embedded into our homes, it should only take 3.14 seconds!"
"Bender wouldn't like it, but okay. Only until we find the owner, and no
The two females placed me along side the creature they called Nibbler.
Nibbler, to my horror, I recognized as the one who would stop me if I
wouldn't watch my step! He growled at me with his 53 teeth in his mouth,
and I couldn't tell if it was out of jealousy or because he knew I knew his
deep, deep secret!
Soon, we were at the Express headquarters, and then I started to draft out
my plan forthwith! And oh, wouldn't that Farnsworth be horribly terrified
when I, still the Most Brilliant Alien Inventor in the Galaxy, upheld that
glorious title above ALL OTHER RACES! Oh, yes, when the time had come,
VICTORY WOULD BE MINE! AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
And now, onward with the puny, self-centered heroes.
The sign above the entrance said, "Cornell, VI Hospital- Now Serving Third
World Species". The original complex had been preserved, but so many new
additions had been added onto it that many people didn't know it was the
same building! The reason for the additions were that science had advanced
so much that new space had to be added for the new machines.
"Wow," said Fry, while they were in the waiting room. "You'd think that
technology had advanced so much that machines would get microscopic instead
of taking up MORE space!"
Bender replied, "Trust me, you do NOT want to know where the microscopic
machines ended up workin'!" He quivered violently at the thought!
The Professor, still in the hover-chair, said, "Well, now that I'm going to
hand my body under the doctors' will for the next few hours, I'm afraid
there won't be any 'good news' for some time now."
"Why, no! I've already notified the media that Planet Express is out of
service, so you all can stay alive to hold the fort."
A robot nurse hovered over to the three and said very suspenseful,
"Professor, the doctor. eez READY for YUUUUU. MWAHAHAHHAHAHA!"
"OoOoOo, fun! See you sooner or later, youngins!"
He was dragged by the robot down a hallway, which looked a bit TOO
suspicious- it was the only one with blown-out lights on the ceiling and
was covered in cobwebs, goo, and empty disguarded needles.
Still, Fry seemed completely oblivious to the signs. "See ya' later!"
Bender muttered, "Good riddance."
"OH! I mean, SEE YOU LATER TO-OO!" Bender exaggerated his cutesy remark.
"So Bender, what's it like being half-robot?"
"I don't really know. I've never been any percentage of human before, so I
can't tell. You DO get a sudden urge to get drunk, smoke, jack on, make
out, and party all night long with the chicks and get a hangover, so."
"So it's not much different!"
"Yeah! Yeah!" And then he muttered to himself. "Good riddance.