Title: Out of the Shadows

Summary: All those feelings pain and anger flood back one by one/ they
must be just around the bend they always come/ at night as I lay sleeping
they come to me in herds/ their lies remain the dreams the same it's only
fleeting words

Author's Note: The next part in my CJ/Toby friendship post-ep series. The
rest of the series(and the rest of my fic) can be found at my website:

Archive: Sure, just tell me.
Feedback: Makes me very, very happy.
Spoilers: Post-ep to Noel, so everything up to there is game.

Crouching down inside a deep ravine
those angry cries pass quickly by can't be seen
so many ways spent hiding in so many undone plans
forgetting what it's like to fight when no one understands

I sit in my office, looking at the scotch in my h ands. Josh is in with
some guy from ATVA that Leo called in for him. Maybe he'll be able to help
him. None of the rest of us have.

Close call there in the shadows
there's no end to the dark
there's no one out there

I knew something was wrong with him at the Congressional Christmas party.
I could just tell. But I didn't do anything about it. I should have.

All those feelings pain and anger flood back one by one
they must be just around the bend they always come
at night as I lay sleeping they come to me in herds
their lies remain the dreams the same it's only fleeting words

The next day he came in with his hand wrapped in a bandage. I look at my
drink again, what happened to your hand, Josh?; my drink doesn't answer.
CJ and I talked about it, about what he could've done. She said Donna was
afraid it was PTSD.

Close call there in the shadows
there's no end to the dark
'cause there's no one out there no one but me

That'd make sense. I've seen guys act like this before, after 'Nam. I
should have figured it out. I should have seen it without Donna pointing
it out. I should have known.

the hours pass so slowly the life's slipping out of me
no way's the right way is there a way out for me
my life's slipping out

CJ says there's no way we could have known, but Donna did. I should have
known. I failed him.

The night is done the bright lights glare and now the time is come
held back in my pitied world where everything's undone

Just like I failed him at Rosslyn, when I couldn't get him to stop
bleeding, I failed him again.

a cold wind blows right through me I'm made a hollow shed
there's nothing left just ash remains enrich the soil no soul no soul

I should have known.

Some one calls there in the shadows
there's an end to the dark
'cause there's someone out there someone like me
the hours pass so slowly the life's slipping out of me

"Toby?" I look up to see CJ standing in my doorway. Judging by the look
on her face, she's been trying to get my attention for awhile.

I put down my scotch, "yeah?"

She steps inside. "Josh is out," she pauses, "Donna's taking him to have
his hand checked". I don't say anything. She takes a step closer, "I
talked to Leo, he says he thinks the guy helped. He's going to be okay,
Toby." I look at her eyes, and for the first time I realize that I'm not
the only one feeling guilty. It's obvious she wants to believe what she's
saying.

no way's the right way is there a way out for me
the hours pass so slowly the life's slipping out of me is there a way out
for me

I nod, "yeah". Now I just need to make myself believe it.

the hours pass so slowly the life's slipping out of me is there a way out
for me

She turns to leave, "I'm gonna go". After she's left, I sit for awhile.
Then, I get up and leave as well, leaving my glass of scotch on the desk,
untouched.

there must be a way out for me
Finis