By: Enkidu

Summary: If you've seen the movie then you have some idea of what this is about. There really is no summary except...you just have to read to understand...um...Pegasus inadvertently says something about Kaiba on national television -_-;;

Pairings: Read and find out. They're all a surprise.

Warnings: Yaoi. Bad Language. Homophobia. Weirdness. OOC. Slightly AU-ish. Senseless character bashing. Shameless pop culture references.

Note: Dutifully ignore the fact that Pegsy died at the end of Duelist Kingdom. He still has the Sennen Eye and is very much alive.

Dedicated to Soli!!! Thanks for everything! ^_^ Am finally getting around to one of the ficcies I promised you!

"Dialogue"

{Thoughts}

'Things written in notes'

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Chapter 1: Interview with the Mad Man ...and some other crap.

Seto Kaiba. Young. Handsome. Rich. Debonair. Every girl wants him. Every guy wants to be him. However, he is not as glorious as he seems. Deep down inside the man, in a place that has no name, there lives a dark secret that he has yet to uncover. This is the tale of that dark secret, which isn't really dark since it is apparently obvious to certain people. So begins the story of the misadventures of Seto Kaiba...

It was a Friday just like any other Friday, except it really wasn't. Nevertheless, it was Friday, and so students nationwide were eagerly awaiting the coming of the weekend and such. This fact was not an exception among Yugi and friends, who spent their last hour of school staring at the clock and ignoring the inane banter of their math teacher, minus Seto Kaiba, who was actually dutifully involved in taking notes.

While the balding, fat man busily scribbled pointless, nonsensical math problems on the board, Jounouchi took it upon himself to start a pattern of note passing that would easily remain hidden from the eyes of said balding, fat man.

'What are you doing tonight, Yugi? -Jou'

Jou scribbled on a crumpled piece of notebook paper in his handwriting that very well resembled that of a common 6-year old.

He put his time and effort into neatly scrunching and crumbling the already wrinkled piece of paper so that it could resemble, well, a crumbled and scrunched up wad of paper. One couldn't tell by looking at it, but Jou actually spent the first fifteen of class practicing making this artistic piece of...art.

After five minutes of stretching his throwing arm, a one minute rest break included, Jounouchi finally tossed the piece of paper at his shorter friend, managing to get it trapped in one of the infamous spikes of Yugi's hair. The piece of paper spent a good two minutes sitting on top of Yugi's head and observing the antics of the class before Ryou politely tapped Yugi on the shoulder and pointed it out to him.

"Oh, how long has that been there?" Yugi asked more to himself than anyone else as he picked the piece of paper and set about straightening it.

"Exactly 2 minutes and 32.6 seconds," Ryou calmly answered, not even bothering to look up from the very hentai novel he had been reading, the cover neatly disguised with a Harry Potter cover.

Yugi's only response was to blush lightly, and he read the note to himself, pausing to think about it before answering.

'Watching t.v. in my underwear and eating cheerios -Yugi'

He honestly answered back, because Yugi Mutou did NOT under any circumstance lie. He was a good boy; at least that's what his Yami constantly assured him while patting his head and giving him a patronizing smile,which he mistook for true sincerity.

Forgetting that he had a tendency to throw like a girl, Yugi attempted to toss Jou the note, but it landed on Honda's desk instead.

"Ooh, a love note," Honda whispered to himself, mentally celebrating the fact that some girl finally took interest in him. Of course, he had momentarily forgotten that his hair was viewed as a lethal weapon and that he happened to look like an overgrown monkey. He quickly opened the note and read it with heightened enthusiasm before his expression was replaced with a look of horror. {Aah! Yugi's trying to seduce me by telling me he's in his underwear and eating Cheerios!} Then, he read what Jou had written before, which he had bypassed since the word "underwear" stood out. {Aah! Yugi's trying to seduce Jou!}

The pointy haired brunet immediately began tapping Jou, who happened to be sitting in front of him, with unseen franticness. Annoyed from the incessant tapping, the blond turned around and swatted the evil finger with vehemence. "What do you want?"

"What is going on between you and Yugi?" Honda whispered in a secretive tone.

Jou looked utterly confused and scratched the top of his head, vaguely resembling a baboon. "Erm...nothing?...I just wanted all of us to get together and hang out somewhere tonight.."

Now it was Honda's turn to look confused, finding something incomprehensible about that statement. His head titled to the side, and he stared at Jou for a while before shrugging it off like he usually does with everything he finds confusing, which is just about everything. "Eh...okay."

The blond retrieved the note and hastily scribbled a reply,

'Want to get together and hangout tonight with the gang...and Ryou too? (1)'

Not bothering with his careful and precise paper scrunching, he simply rolled it into a crappy ball and tossed it back to Yugi, making it land in his lap this time.

The short, spiky-haired boy blinked momentarily before picking up the piece of paper and opening it, reading the note then hastily replying.

'Okay. Invite everyone.'

After performing the tedious task of rolling the paper back up into its ball state and throwing it back to Jou, the paper ball completely missed the blond by at least several feet and landed in front of, of all people, Seto Kaiba.

Seto stared at the paper with eerie fascination, quelling the urge to burn it with some mythical lighter or perhaps borrowing a lighter from the chain- smoking math teacher and maybe burning the entire school down. Shaking his head out of such Yami Malik-esque thoughts, he settled for grabbing the paper and tossing it out a conveniently open window just to annoy the nuisances that are Yugi Mutou and Katsuya Jounouchi (2). Both boys blinked in unison, Yugi resisting the urge to cry and Jou resisting the urge to punch Seto.

"Damn you, Kaiba," the irate blond hissed under his breath and gave up on the whole note process, simply opting to just ask Anzu, Honda, and Ryou if they wanted to get together at Yugi's house after school for the purpose of hanging out.

Anzu said, "Okay!" And began thinking of what other overly tight and skimpy outfit she would prance around in to get Yugi to notice her newly developed breasts.

Honda said,"Huh?" Which when translated from Hondanese to Japanese meant, "Yes, I would love to partake in this delightful festivity."

Ryou said, "I'm very sorry, but I can't go. I already have plans." Those plans, of course, included doing the naughty things he read about in the book with a certain flamboyant Egyptian, but more on that later.

So, the plans were set, and everyone immediately took off the moment the bell rang, leaving Seto Kaiba to calmly gather his things and prepare for his own fun night of vigorous t.v. watching and perhaps playing video games with Mokouba if the younger Kaiba actually managed to find suitable blackmail.

*******

Meanwhile, in some other part of Domino City, Pegasus J. Crawford was waiting in a tiny dressing room to go on air for a live interview that was going to broadcast all over Japan. He had been asked by the wonderful people at JBC (3) if he could speak to them about Industrial Illusions and, of course, the recent dueling championship he held in his private island.

Pegasus normally turned down such absurd interviews, but lately he'd been having a sadistic streak. Well, okay, maybe not lately, but he was in the mood to be extra EXTRA bad. Therefore, he took this as the perfect opportunity to publicly humiliate Seto Kaiba.

Why would he want to humiliate Kaiba? Well, why would anyone want to humiliate Kaiba? Simply because he is Kaiba, and Kaiba is he.

In actuality, Pegasus was still bitter about Kaiba making fun of his precious cartoons. Nobody makes fun of Funny Bunny and gets away with it. Kaiba was most definitely not getting away with it. The one-eyed man threw his head back and cackled insanely as he thought of what exactly it was that he would do to the clueless billionaire. He would embarrass him in a way that no one else has been embarrassed before.

Ms. Lee, who had heard the laughing from down the hallway, quietly knocked on the door, clutching her clipboard in hand with a death grip. "Erm...Mr- Mr...uh..Crawford?" To say she was frightened by the nut job on the other side of the door was quite the understatement. She had seen the man sitting around in his underwear earlier, drinking juice from a wine glass and reading hentai mangas with toons.

"Yes..?" Pegasus answered in his lilting tone that made people want to shudder and back away immediately.

Ms. Lee just so happened to back away at that moment, tazor gun ready just in case Pegasus suggested some sordid, kinky three-way with himself, her, and the toons...or perhaps a toon orgy. "You're on in 15 minutes," she said quickly before running down the hallway, pushing past people and heading towards the bathroom because she suddenly had to pee, but that doesn't really matter.

Pegasus simply leaned back in his chair and clicked his fingers together in a Mr. Burns-esque fashion, a light grin tugging at his lips. "Excellent."

*******

After school at Yugi's house, Yugi and the "gang" were gathered around his living room as was discussed earlier when they were planning what to do. Jou was busy munching on popcorn and detailing to everyone on how to get one's underwear to have that warm, crisp, recently washed feeling. Shizuka was sitting around on the floor with nothing to do. Honda was rhythmically poking Yugi in the arm while Yugi was attempting to de-glomp Anzu from his other arm, and Anzu was attached to Yugi like a horny barnacle.

"...then you have to let the underwear sit in the dryer for 2 minutes. No more! No less!"

"Yugi, do you like the way this shirt looks?" Anzu asked, puffing out her chest and displaying her big boobs, which were common to some young anime females. "Well? If you don't like it, I could always take it off."

Said spiky-haired boy had long since chosen to ignore her random babbling and was instead focused on finding a decent channel to watch. It was in his channel surfing that he managed to pass by Pegasus's interview that was about to start. "...Hm..."

"Hey, isn't that Pegasus!?" Honda stated the obvious.

Jou scrunched his nose up and abandoned his current topic choice in favour of peering closely at the t.v. "It is! Wonder what that weirdo is doing on t.v."

Yugi suddenly blanched and clutched onto the couch cushion. "Oh dear, I hope they didn't give him a talk show!!!"

As if from nowhere, sensing Yugi's dread, Yami appeared suddenly! Actually, he had been in the bathroom the entire time despite the fact that spirits don't go to bathrooms, but he felt he should anyway because it reacquainted him with the good old days. The remnants of his latest flush could still be heard as he made his way to the couch, shoving aside the clingy, blue-eyed girl and taking her place. "This must be some plot to get me!"

That earned a long suffering, sigh from Yugi. "Yami, not everyone is out to get you. Just Bakura, Malik, Kaiba, sometimes Mai, Weevil, maybe Shadi, and ...a couple other hundred people."

"Still. I wonder what he's up to." The former pharaoh narrowed his eyes dangerously at the t.v., leaning forward to take in all that was being said.

Everyone else gathered around in interest, an eerie silence falling upon the room that was only broken by the sound of Honda's annoyingly loud breathing.

*******

Meanwhile in Ryou's house, the young, supposedly innocent, snowy-haired boy was engaged in a passionate lip lock with his boyfriend, also known as Malik. The Egyptian boy was sprawled onto the couch, his hands deeply embedded in Ryou's hair and his tongue finding it's way down the boy's throat. Ryou was comfortably strewn across the taller boy, his tongue curling, twisting, and doing all sorts of acrobatic movements against the Egyptian's as they lay together. Every once in a while the room would be blessed with pleasure-filled moans or erratic panting once both boys felt the need to gasp for air.

By this time, Ryou's face was flushed cutely, and he was clutching onto Malik's ever present white belly shirt like a life line. Things had quickly grown hot and hungry, and it wasn't long before they were removing items of clothing and devouring each other with such burning, frantic kisses.

Malik couldn't help the little growling, intense sounds he only made when incredibly turned on, and Ryou had his own array of small, fuzzy animal-ish noises. As Ryou's sweater flew across the room, landing on the lamp shade, both boys had suddenly became aware of their current situation and exactly how small the couch was.

However, it was too late, and they ended up rolling off the couch with their limbs still entwined, and landing on a heap on the floor, Malik still on the bottom. The Egyptian let out a grunt of pain, landing on the t.v. remote and hearing it turn on in the background.

Ryou simply lifted his head, a blush covering his cheeks as he used his arms to raise himself up a bit, so as not to crush the other boy. "Are you alright?" he asked in concern.

Malik simply grinned and pulled the boy back down to his lips, kissing him with as much vigor as he had moments ago. Unbeknownst to them, the show that they had happened to switch onto was the very same interview Pegasus was being given.

*******

Ryuuji, who had been temporarily forgotten up until now, was somewhere inside his mansion, dressed in his underwear, sunglasses, a long sleeved pink collared shirt, and white tube socks, dancing in his living room ala Risky Business. His head was bobbing wildly as he belted out tunes into a pee wee soccer trophy, the radio blaring throughout the house.

"Love, the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket Like the lost catacombs of Egypt, only god knows where we stuck it Hieroglyphics, let me specific I want to be down in your south seas But I got this notion in the motion of your ocean It means small craft advisory So if I capsize on your thighs High tide, B-5, you sunk my battle ship Please turn me on, I'm Mr. Coffee with an automatic drip So show me yours, I'll show you mine Tool Time You'll love it just like Lyle And then we'll do it doggie style, So we can both watch X-files.

Do it now! You and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals, So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel Do it again now! You and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals, So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel Gettin' horny now!" (4)

As the last remnants of the song faded away, Ryuuji paused in his wild, formless dancing to remember something important. "Oh, shit! It's time for Pegasus's interview!! I can't miss that!!"

Having had some sort of bizarre hero-worship of the man who really shouldn't be worshipped at all because he is a twisted freak, Ryuuji was prone to holding the ground this man walks on in high reverence. Therefore, nothing in the world, not even the allure of crazy dancing in his underwear, would keep him away from hearing that sultry voice speaking such inspirational crap. Turning the CD player off, Ryuuji made a mad dash to his living room, taking a fly leap onto the couch. After making his landing, he quickly switched the t.v. on.

His eyes grew wide and attentive, body leaning forward to take in all the wonder that is Pegasus as the interview just began. With a happy little sigh, he settled back to watch the rest of the interview, memorizing everything that Pegasus said, did, and wore. (5)

*******

In a ship somewhere, Mako Tsunami (6) was busy fondling and molesting crabs as he stood in front of his portable t.v., watching Emeril Lagasse and glaring darkly while the man cooked lobster.

"Oh, he will pay, won't he, my little crabby! Yes, he shall pay."

All of the sudden, the reception went fuzzy for no apparent reason. Scowling in annoyance, Mako slammed his fist on top of the t.v., figuring this some how would make everything better. Well, it didn't. The channel flickered a few times before turning into another, entirely different channel.

Before he knew it, Mako was gazing at Pegasus's interview in confusion. "Wha...?"

He shrugged and left it on, curious as to what incessant babble would be produced from Pegasus. He also secretly wished that his name would somehow come up. He would be so famous!

*******

In Mai's apartment, Mai was busily painting her toe nails while Isis sat next to her, engaged in the same activity. Their eyes were teary from the climatic end of the giant soap opera wedding.

"That was so...romantic!!" Isis said in between sobs, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. "Who knew Rodrigo would give such a-such a...beautiful wedding speech!"

"I know! Here I thought Julio was going to interrupt and profess is undying love to Sophia. But, he didn't! He gave them his blessing!"

"It was so cute!"

Both girls let out a happy sigh and stared at the rolling credits before resuming the arduous task of painting their toe nails.

"So what should we watch now?" Isis asked her golden-haired friend, wiping the remains of her tears away.

Mai's only response was a non-committal shrug as she reached for the remote, flipping aimlessly through the t.v. channels. "There's another soap opera wedding on in thirty minutes."

"Hm...what can we watch until then?" Isis pondered out loud.

"Oh, that interview with Pegasus is supposed to be on right now. Should be good for a laugh," Mai said as she changed to the appropriate channel.

"Alright."

So they both got comfortable and continued to pig out on pringles and paint their toe nails, waiting for the next tear-inducing soap opera wedding to come on.

******

"Sex bomb Sex bomb You're my sex bomb You can give it to me when I need to come along Sex bomb Sex bomb You're my sex bomb And baby you can turn me on" (7)

Both Weevil and Rex pranced around the stage of the karaoke bar, singing at the top of their lungs and frightening all the bar's patrons. The only people that remained after the horrific sight was a slightly soused Bandit Keith, who found this as a perfect opportunity for black mail, Esper Roba, who was determined not to blush at the constant mentions of the word 'sex' in that song, Rishid, who had nothing better to do since Malik didn't need him at the moment to keep his yami at bay and also was waiting to do his own rendition of "I'm a Slave for You" by Britney Spears, and Bones, who was still suffering odd side-effects from his duel with Bakura. Apparently, he believed himself to be a giant chicken.

"This is pure crap," Keith explained, downing another glass of some Irish- Russian alcoholic concoction.

Esper turned to the American male with a raised eyebrow. "Their singing or the drink?"

"Both."

"Oh."

"Mooooo..."

"I thought he was supposed to be a chicken," Rishid observed out loud. Everyone just shrugged it off, too partially drunk to think about it.

Just then, Pegasus appeared on the bar t.v. and quickly captured everybody's attention. The karaoke machine was turned off, much to everyone's relief, and all the bar's occupants gathered around the t.v. to watch as an old enemy sat in a floral sofa chair, grinning like an idiot.

*******

Back at the Kaiba mansion, Mokouba was busily running around, enjoying his sugar high and driving his older brother insane. He had stripped himself butt naked except for a towel which served as a loincloth, and he declared himself 'He-Man'. In his hand, he wielded a spatula, proclaiming the mansion as his territory and the giant doberman, which served as their guard dog, as his trusted beast and sidekick.

Seto simply groaned and rubbed his temples, downing aspirin with his water. {I can't kill him. He's my brother. Maybe I can send him off to boarding school for a while.} Seto continued to ponder such thoughts, carrying himself to his bedroom and plopping down on his huge king-sized bed, draped with silk black sheets. He had partially gotten himself undressed before giving up and deciding he was too tired at the moment.

All he wanted to do was lie down and get some nice rest, but Mokouba had other plans. The excited younger Kaiba wailed at the top of his lungs, throwing his spatula and inadvertently aiming it at Seto's head.

"Ow!!!" Seto quickly sat up and rubbed his aching forehead, glaring at the hyperactive boy. "That's it!" He quickly grabbed the spatula and tossed it out the window, hitting a defenseless sparrow on its way down. Not that Kaiba cared. He didn't like sparrows. They were on his list of birds he didn't like.

"No more He-Man! No more spatulas! No more sugar! You're punished!" Seto declared in a superior tone, standing tall and proud, like an alpha male.

Mokouba gave him a bored look, not really buying it. "Yeah right. You haven't punished me...well, ever. You always say you will, but then you give me ice cream instead."

Seto narrowed his eyes at the clear defiance. "Well, it's time we change that. I'm giving you vanilla ice cream this time. Hmph!" With that, he crossed his arms over his chest and stood his ground.

"Well, if you must. I understand," Mokouba said sadly, bowing his head and pretending to feel bad about what he did.

Seto was just about to get into his car and drive to the supermarket to buy vanilla ice cream when a scowl spread across his face. "You tricked me! I was actually going to punish you."

"Why, what ever do you mean, big brother?" Mokouba looked up at him with wide, innocent eyes.

Seto scowled even further. "That's it. I will definitely punish you this time. Now....a suitable punishment. What could be bad enough to teach you your lesson..." The older Kaiba tapped a finger to his chin, momentarily pondering before an idea struck him. "I've got it! I will force you to watch Pegasus's interview! There is no torture worse than that."

Mokouba's eyes grew to the size of saucers, and he let out a horrified shriek. "NOOOOoooooo!!!!!!!! Anything but that!! Please!!! You can't make me!!! Please, big brother!! I'll never do it again!!! Pegasus gives me nightmares!!"

The tall brunet simply shook his head with a triumphant grin and hoisted the boy onto his bed, reaching for the remote and flipping the t.v. on to the proper channel. Mokouba turned as white as a sheet and snuggled into Seto's arms, trying to get away from the creepy image of one Pegasus J. Crawford. Seto held the boy and watched in disinterest, uncaring of what the lunatic had to say.

{What bad could come from watching Pegasus's interview, anyway?}

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Chapter 1 finished!!! Woo hoo!! What WILL happen? Hm? Well, you'll just have to review to find out. I'm serious! I will quite writing if I don't get enough good feedback.

Some Notes:

(1) I don't care what anyone says. Ryou is NOT part of Yugi-tachi. He spends most of his time on his own or is usually ignored. Poor kid. He's so underrated.

(2) Little known fact that Katsuya is actually Jounouchi's first name, but nobody ever calls him by that for some reason. Though, to limit confusion, everyone is calling Ryou by 'Ryou' instead of Bakura, which is what they usually call him.

(3) Japan Broadcasting Company...don't know if it's a real channel. I made it up for the purpose of the story.

(4) "The Bad Touch" By: The Bloodhound Gang; No, it was not necessary to write out that much of the song, but I LOVE this song...Could you believe I actually wrote the lyrics from memory -_-;;..

(5) You have to admit Otogi's obsession with Pegsy is a little...odd.

(6) I can't remember his Jap. name, so I'm keeping his dubbed one.

(7) "Sex Bomb" [Dance Remix] By: Tom Jones

-- In case you're wondering where Bakura and Mariku are, Bakura is in the ring, and Mariku (Yami Malik) is floating around inside of Malik. Whether they will make an appearance, I have no clue. Malik/Ryou is the only established couple so far, but don't fret, more will come!

**Special thanks to Pepita-chan for Beta reading this ^_^**