By: Enkidu

Summary: If you've seen the movie then you have some idea of what this is about. There really is no summary except...you just have to read to understand...um...Pegasus says something about Kaiba on national television -_-;;

Pairings: Malik/Ryou so far... but more to come!

Warnings: Yaoi. Bad Language. Homophobia. Weirdness. OOC. Slightly AU-ish. Senseless character bashing. Shameless pop culture references.

Note: Dutifully ignore the fact that Pegsy died at the end of Duelist Kingdom. He still has the Sennen Eye and is very much alive.

Dedicated to Soli!!! Thanks for everything! ^_^ Am finally getting around to one of the ficcies I promised you!

"Dialogue"

{Thoughts}

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Chapter 2: He's WHAT!?!?!?!

"You're on in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1!" The director announced before pointing at the main camera, which now bore a red light, signaling that they were live before all of Japan - well, most of it, at least.

Pegasus couldn't help the evil grin that unfurled over his features, making him look like the Grinch or a pedophiliac. It was so evil and grotesque that it sent shivers down his interviewer's spine. The interviewer in question was a young, dark-haired, dark-eyed beauty that went by the TV persona name of Miss Kitty. She flashed the camera a smile, brilliant, bleached teeth blinding the front row of the audience.

"Hello, Japan! Welcome to The Super Duper Happy Hour with Miss Kitty, and I, of course, am Miss Kitty!"

For a long time, many faces of the audience stared blankly, unsure of what to do. All of the sudden, the little box on the top flashed 'applause'. It was as if the audience received a revelation, and they couldn't help but put their hands together and clap. What a revelation it was indeed! The heavens opened, and light shone forth, beaming down on them. The angels sang, and everything was bathed in brilliance and glitter.

In reality, none of that crap happened. The audience was smart enough to know they had to clap after the introduction, because they knew security was standing in the sides with cattle prods, waiting to poke anyone who didn't clap. Once the clapping finally died down (a few idiots refused to stop clapping, so security had to poke them), Miss Kitty gestured to her guest who was still grinning stupidly, I mean, evilly.

"And tonight's guests are owner of Industrial Illusion, Pegasus J. Crawford- " More clapping ensued. "-a hobo who can play the accordion in his underwear, and French poodles that sing!"

The audience went into an uproar as the last guest was announced. Most of the people practically bounded out of their seats, putting their hearts into their over-emotional clapping. Tears were streaming down cheeks, and little children had faces full of glee.

Pegasus frowned, wondering why everyone liked the French poodles more than him. He created duel monsters. He owned his own island. He had a cool hair cut. He only had one eye. He even had a T-shirt with Funny Bunny on it. How could they like French poodles even more? Though, he had to admit, singing French poodles were kind of cool. He resigned himself to giving a little pity clap for the damnable creatures.

"Anyway, our first guest tonight, is Pegasus J. Crawford," Miss Kitty spoke up, gesturing to the man seated across from her in an overly fancy arm chair, which he brought himself.

With a cock of his head, the wealthy owner of Industrial Illusions waved to the camera, flashing a pearly smile, unaware of the piece of spinach lodged between his teeth. "Why, hello, there," he said smoothly, trying to appear more debonair than creepy. It didn't work.

"Well, I guess we should get started," Miss Kitty responded, starting to develop an odd, nervous twitch. "First of all, everyone's been dying to know, is there a current or future Mrs. Crawford?" Okay, so nobody was dying to know, but morbid curiosity prompted her to ask.

A slim eyebrow was raised, and Pegasus merely stroked his chin, pretending to think about it, which took a whole 3 minutes. "Well, no."

That ended that, and the result was a bizarre silence that fell over the audience before a barrage of security officers came with rubber bands and flicked them at the oblivious crowd. Responding to the sharp snap of the rubber bands against their skin, the audience immediately stood up and began shouting random things like 'Oww! That hurt' and 'Who threw the damn rubber bands!?!'

For some strange reason, Pegasus took it as a complement, and with the brand new boost to his already over-inflated ego, he flashed another grin. "Thank you, my beloved minions."

Ignoring the audience's antics, Miss Kitty decided to continue with the interview. "Anyway, we've heard you've actually worked with Kaiba Corp. in the past and even have met with Seto Kaiba on various occasions. So, what's handsome, young billionaire, Seto Kaiba, like?"

To say that Pegasus was outraged was an understatement. Here he was, finally having his own, personal interview, and, of all the things to bring up, Miss Kitty had to go straight to his primary source of hatred. Why did the girls like Kaiba more than him? What did Kaiba have that he didn't!?! Sure, the boy was young, gorgeous, had flawless skin and perfect hair, but that was still no excuse. Pegasus had cartoons- cute, fuzzy cartoons!! Women love cute, fuzzy cartoons. Why couldn't he get laid?!

Stifling a growl, he was suddenly hit with an epiphany. Well, actually, he was hit by a random spit ball, but no one needs to know that. This was the opportunity he had been waiting for. This was his chance to publicly humiliate Kaiba, and he would take it. With another decidedly evil grin, he answered, "Well, I happen to be a good friend of Kaiba's, and I have had the fortune of dining with him a few times. He's even confided with me his most deepest, darkest of secrets."

This got the crowd's attention. They were all practically sitting on the edge of their seats, staring intently at Pegasus and waiting for him to unveil something juicy about the older Kaiba brother. Miss Kitty was no different, leaning so close to Pegasus, her interest piqued to high levels.

"Well..." she prompted, trying not to sound too eager and failing miserably at that.

Pegasus's grin only grew wider, and he leaned back in a comfortable position, enjoying having the upper hand. He felt like the zoo keeper who was dangling a piece of raw meat over a cage full of hungry, excited Bakuras.

"Well, being his personal friend as I am," Pegasus began, "there's something I know he's been hiding from everyone for quite some time. He was too ashamed to admit it, but right before this interview, he called me up on my cell phone and told me he wanted me to finally let it all out. He was tired of hiding his true self from the public eye for so long."

The studio was bathed in silence. Not a sound could be heard from anywhere, and sweaty beads of anticipation covered Miss Kitty's forehead. Not even the sound of enthusiastic breathing could be heard except from an asthmatic teenager in the last row.

Pegasus cleared his throat before continuing. "It's time you all know. Seto Kaiba is gay.... and not as in happy."

Audible gasps could be heard from the audience. Young girls were swooning from the horrible pain of having yet another one of the hottest guys be of the homosexual affiliation. Young gay boys were swooning because their dream of having yet another hot guy play for their team had finally come true. For the most part, there was stunned silence.

******

"Kaiba's gay!?!?" Jou yelled loud enough to cause ear damage to those closest around him.

Looks of puzzlement and confusion lit the faces of everyone gathered at Yugi's house... except for Yami, who was grinning madly. Everyone was shocked and appalled. How could Kaiba, the straight-laced, serious, stick- up-his-ass young business man be, of all things, gay. He was as straight as they come except for the fact that he never dated, which was now becoming questionable. Everyone just assumed he was asexual. Either way, the news came as a surprise to them.

"How could Kaiba be gay!?! He's so... not gay!" Honda exclaimed in disbelief.

Shizuka was mildly disappointed at the proclamation. Despite her brother's dislike of the man, she always thought Kaiba was pretty cute. She pouted sourly to herself. {Why are all the cute ones gay? No fair!}

Anzu couldn't have cared less if Kaiba was gay. Sure, she was surprised, but only Yugi and Yami's sexuality had any importance to her. She was quite sure they were both as straight as arrows. So, what did she have to worry about? Kaiba's homosexuality was more of a relief since she had underlying fears of Kaiba developing a crush on her. That would be bad, especially if Yugi found out. The short boy would insist that she pity him and go out with him, and who knows what else? She and Kaiba could have ended up married and having bouts of wild, passionate sex to make her forget Yugi. Yugi would always hold a place in her heart despite the great sex.

The poor, delusional girl soon found herself in some bizarre soap opera fantasy with Yugi and Kaiba dueling for her love. Many people were glad they couldn't see this, and it would most likely never happen.

Yugi was very confused. He wasn't sure what to think of it. On some level, he should be happy that Kaiba was finally out in the open, but it just seemed odd that Kaiba had been gay the whole time. It made him question Kaiba's constant obsession with beating him, which consequently made him wonder if Kaiba had a crush on him, and he was trying to cover it up by pretending to be his enemy. He was torn between shuddering or helping Kaiba sort his problems out and maybe finding him a boyfriend to make him happy.

Honda's short attention span immediately diverted him from the current news topic to a tiny fly buzzing around his head. He nicknamed the fly Speedy and watched in rapt fascination as Speedy sped back and forth across his face, occasionally landing on the bridge of his nose or laying eggs on his really bad hair cut.

Yami was still grinning secretively, a look of utter triumph on his face. It was the look he wore every time he kicked someone's ass, which happened to be every freakin' duel because of some astounding, unusual luck, but the author isn't going to bitterly speculate on that any further. Anywho, Yami had been waiting for something like this to arise. Ever since their first duel, he had been trying to get Kaiba into bed with him, but the taller boy had remained oblivious. The former Pharaoh simply assumed that Kaiba had a long ten-foot pole up his ass or he was really straight (ah, who could resist Yami in leather bondage?), but this was clearly evidence that Kaiba was merely too afraid to come onto him.

Squaring his shoulders back confidently, Yami swore that he would get the brunet into bed somehow, even if he had to handcuff him to it. There would be nothing stopping him. With that in mind, the spirit went off into happy hentai land with his happy hentai BDSM thoughts.

For some reason or other, Jou was taking this the hardest. "I can't believe it. We had a fag in our presence and nobody bothered to tell me!?!"

Yugi frowned. "Jou, that's not nice. I don't think they like to be called that. They prefer heterosexually-impaired."

"Screw political correctness! Kaiba's a fruitcake!"

"I personally have no problem with the gay people," Honda piped up, "just as long as they don't touch me or come within ten feet of me."

"Don't get me wrong... there's nothing wrong with it... I just... never thought I'd ever meet, you know, a real live gay person. I mean, how are we supposed to act around Kaiba, now?" Yugi speculated out loud.

Similar looks of thoughtfulness spread across everyone's face... except for Honda's. He went back to staring at Speedy.

******

Malik had paused in his exploration of Ryou's body to stare at the television, suddenly interested after that little declaration.

"Kaiba's gay?" Ryou gasped beneath him, his face still flushed from previous activities.

Malik rolled his eyes at that. "Tell me something I don't know. You owe me a blowjob by the way." He grinned and poked Ryou in the side, eliciting a small giggle from the shorter boy.

"Okay, okay. You were right. Hm... you really do have a flawless gay-dar. That means... you must be right about the others."

"Ah, time will tell. Now, where were we..?" The Egyptian grabbed the remote and shut the television off before crushing his lips to Ryou's and working his way into the pale boy's pants.

******

Ryuuji had frozen in shock on his couch, staring unblinking at the television. Did his ears betray him? Was it really true? How can it be?!

{Pegasus and Kaiba are friends!?! That is SO not fair!!! I am so jealous!! Bastard Kaiba! He always gets what he wants. Well, Pegasus is too good for him!}

Then the part about Pegasus confessing Kaiba's sexual preference kicked in, and he did what any Kaiba-hater would do. He fell off the couch and went into a fit of hysterical laughter. "Kaiba's a fairy!!!"

All of the sudden, a look of dread replaced his amused expression. "Holy crap! Kaiba's been trying to get me into bed!!! No wonder he ignores me all the time! Well, too bad for him. I'm straight! Hmph!"

He crossed his arms over his chest and returned his attention to the television, focusing once again on his beloved idol. He cursed himself for having missed what Pegasus said in lieu of laughing at Kaiba's predicament. How dare he miss one moment of the man's sacred and blessed psycho-babble?

******

Mako threw his crab at the television for no apparent reason. Okay, so he was a little peeved that Pegasus mentioned his name nowhere in that interview. All he wanted was to be famous, but nooo. Pegasus had to go off and rant about Seto Kaiba.

"Who cares if Kaiba is gay? ...It's a little strange, though. Am I correct my little friends from the sea?" he asked, holding up a dead fish. "Kaiba? Gay? That's beyond... icky. Think of all the little boys he molests just to satisfy his need for...um... men."

The dead fish stared at him, unmoving with its big, black, expressionless eyes and its mouth hanging open in an O-shape.

"I'm glad you agree, Priscilla. Kaiba is SO weird. Have you met anyone weirder than he? Hah! I didn't think so. So, did you catch the soccer game last night?"

The aquatic inclined boy continued to talk to the sea creatures about the finer things in life such as ceramic tea pots, candle wax, and mutton.

******

Mai and Isis stared silently at the television. Nail polish was dripping from the tiny brushes onto the floor as both girls slowly took in the news of Kaiba's recently exposed sexuality. On some level, they kind of always knew something was a little... off... about Kaiba, but they just figured it was because he was a little insane. The thought of him being gay never really crossed their minds.

"Well, I guess it does make sense," Mai began at last. "I mean, we've never really seen him with a woman."

"Yeah, but we've never seen him with men, either," Isis put in. "This explains quite a lot. Not once did he hit on me."

"He didn't hit on me, either!"

They both lapsed into a moment of thoughtfulness, trying to think back to all their Kaiba experiences for any hints of his gayness. They found it hard to think of one since the boy generally exuded blatant asexuality.

"Maybe he didn't hit on anyone because he was still in the closet," Mai suggested, grabbing a napkin to clean up the nail polish.

"Hm... well, I, for one, am glad. We now have a gay best friend who we could drag with us to go shopping!"

Mai made a face at that. "Gay or not, I still don't want to go shopping with Kaiba. Besides, I thought your brother was gay..."

A stunned expression overtook Isis's face. Her eyes were wide, and she seemed appalled at the idea of anyone even hinting her brother was gay. Malik never really came off as effeminate nor did he carry a lisp. Then again, neither did Kaiba. Could he be, then? She quickly shook her head out of such thoughts.

"No way Malik is gay! He's just so... well... he's too masculine..."

Mai lifted a carefully plucked eyebrow. "Malik? Masculine? Have you seen the way he dresses? And the way he stands? The jewelry? None of that seems... you know..."

"No!" Isis replied curtly. "Malik is not gay. End of story. He's going to get married to a nice, young girl and produce lots of nieces and nephews for me to take care of."

The blonde-haired duelist took the other woman's erratic behaviour as a good sign to drop the subject. Though, she was well aware that Malik was very questionable, far more than Kaiba. If Kaiba could be gay then pretty much any guy could be gay. However, it did offer an explanation for Kaiba's impeccable fashion sense...

******

The entire bar had gone dead silent just seconds after the confession. Everyone merely gaped at the television, eyes wide and jaws dropped. Nobody dared to move or even speak for quite a while. The news of Kaiba's hidden preference had struck something deep in them that left them rather surprised. Luckily, Bones was the first to break the silent.

"Moooooo *hiccup* ..."

"You got that right," Rex agreed, bringing a mug of root beer to his lips and taking a long sip.

Bandit Keith shook his head out of the stupor and removed his shades, raking a hand through his hair. "So... Kaiba is gay..." he began, unsure of where he was headed with this. He was beginning to think maybe he had too much to drink, and this was all a product of his imagination. The frightening part was pondering over why it was that he was thinking of Kaiba being gay. Did he secretly want Kaiba to be gay? Did he secretly want to be gay? Did he secretly have a thing for Kaiba? Did he secretly have a thing for dressing up as a woman? "I'm not a transvestite!!!" he yelled, unaware that he said that out loud.

"...I never said you were..." Esper said quietly, quickly moving away from the drunken idiot. He had lapsed into his own pondering of how no one saw this coming. He had to admit, Kaiba was highly unusual. Maybe his cold, introverted personality was his way of saying 'Hey, I like having sex with men.' Suddenly, it all made sense now.

Meanwhile, Weevil was back on stage, singing into the microphone despite the fact that the karaoke machine had long since been turned off. He was belting out some bizarre love song which involved questionable activities with a kangaroo. It was his way of coping with the newly-learned information about Kaiba. Some time later, Rex joined in, though, to reduce the effect of appearing gay themselves, they stood very far from each other.

Rishid was making paper cranes with the napkins, silently mulling over Kaiba's unapparent sexuality. Well, he'd always suspected something was different about Kaiba, and he had to admit, at some point, he did wonder if the brunet had some sort of obsession with Yugi and/or Yami. It had crossed his mind that perhaps Kaiba was gay, but he never really expected it to be true. He remembered Malik once commenting on it while they were on the battle ship. Malik's exact words were, "Kaiba's probably so uptight because he can't get the Pharaoh into bed. Poor sexually frustrated bastard."

It had drawn a chuckle from him at the time, but now he was suspecting it to be true. He definitely trusted Malik's intuition and even questioned the youngest Ishtar's personal experience with the matter. They had shared rooms before, so he was often awoken in the middle of the night to the Egyptian boy's constant moaning and repetition of Ryou's name, but he never really thought much of that, either. {Hm... most unusual...}

******

"I'm WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT!?!?!?!"

Birds fled from the Kaiba mansion in a flurry, frightened of Seto's sudden outburst. It was so rare that the boy lost his calm and collected stature, but at that moment, the older Kaiba brother had gone into a frantic yelling.

"What the hell is the matter with Pegasus!?! I'm gay!?!? I'm not gay!!! How could he think I'm gay!?! I don't even come off as gay!! Look at me!!! Where did he get that idea that I was gay!?! It's not true!! It's not true!!!!" Seto was clutching the television set tightly and yelling into Pegasus's face, his own face red with fury. He couldn't believe one of his most hated enemies would confess something that wasn't even a confession because it wasn't true. Now all of Japan thought he was gay when he clearly wasn't.

Mokouba had wisely stayed on the bed, tilting his head to the side, a look of utter bafflement on his face. He had no idea why his brother was making a big deal out of what Pegasus said. He found nothing wrong with it. In fact, he had no idea what Pegasus meant. "...Big brother... what does he mean that you're gay?"

The brunet was stricken with a look of horror, stiffening in response. "Pegasus just told all of Japan I'm gay!!! What do you mean what does that mean?!!!"

Mokouba tapped a finger to his chin before reaching into the night table and pulling out a convenient dictionary. He flipped to the page in the 'G' section and read out loud. "Gay: Happily excited; merry; keenly alive and exuberant; having or inducing high spirits."

Having gone quiet, Seto stared at his brother, extremely confused. "I know what it means!! Where are you going with this!?"

"Pegasus said you were gay, but not as in happy. So then what type of gay are you?"

"Um..." It had never occurred to Seto that his brother might not be well- acquainted with the slang. Squaring his face into a look of his usual calmness, he patted the boy on the head, hiding his nervousness. "Mokouba, why don't you go get some chocolate fudge ice cream?"

Forgetting everything that happened as is common to boys his age, he immediately leapt up to his feet excitedly. Nothing would keep him from his ice cream, not even the evil skeleton that ruled the dark realms of their basement. With his trademark He-Man yell, Mokouba took off towards the kitchen, in search of his beloved ice cream while waving around his spatula, which he somehow acquired once again.

With a groan, Seto collapsed on his bed, furiously rubbing his temples. "How could Pegasus think I'm gay!?! Where did he get the idea I was gay!?! Evil bastard!!!" He growled loudly, sitting up again. "I'm going to kill him for this. First, he turned me and Mokouba into cards. Then, he set fire to my doujinshi collection. Now, he's told all of Japan.. most of Japan that I'm gay!!!! I'm not gay!!!"

At that moment, the phone began ringing loudly, snapping him out of murderous thoughts. Reaching over for it, he put the receiver to his ear. "Hello?"

"Mr. Kaiba, is it true!?!" The other voice on the line, which happened to be one of his business partners, asked.

"NO!!! I'm not gay!! I'm not!!"

"Erm... are you sure?"

"I'M NOT GAY!" He repeated again before slamming the phone down. The moment he did so, the phone was once again ringing. This time he refused to answer it, unwilling to put up with anymore assurances of whether or not Pegasus was right.

"Hello, Kaiba. You probably recognize us by now, but even if you don't, it's the Big Five. Anyway, we wanted to congratulate you on finally coming out, and I have a gay son in the event you want to merge... if you get my drift."

Seto quickly picked up the phone. "I'M NOT GAY!!" he snarled.

"Sure... we believe you. Don't worry about it."

Seto couldn't take it anymore. He had enough of this. He'd be damned if anyone else was going to dictate his sexual preferences for him. He threw the phone across the room and watched as it smashed into several itty bitty little pieces.

"Calm down, Seto," he told himself, taking deep breaths in a vain attempt to relax. "How many people watch that show, anyway? It's the lowest rated show on that network. This will all just blow over by tomorrow, and everyone will have completely forgotten." With that, he quickly changed channels to something more decent and respectable to watch.

"We just received this breaking news story," a beautiful reported announced on her critically acclaimed news show. "Seto Kaiba is gay. We repeat, Seto Kaiba is gay."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

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I finally finished this damn chapter!! Woo hoo!! Sorry, it took me forever to write.. mostly because I'm lazy or too busy reading. Anyways, I know I take my liberties from the movie ... a lot of liberties... most of this didn't even happen, but eh..so sue me. I hope you enjoyed this. Please review!!

As usual, special thanks to Pepita-chan for beta-ing this for me ^_^