One fine day in the Shire Frodo, Merry and Pippin were wandering aimlessly
across the fields (well, that's what they say but everyone knows they're
slowly making their way to the Green Dragon). They finally made it back
onto the road but had to immediately jump back as a horse cantered past.
Pippin fell over as he jumped back, on top of Frodo who was behind him and
he grabbed hold of Merry to try and steady himself but ended up dragging
him down as well. The horse turned and trotted towards the small pile of
The horse was bright white and reflected the sun's rays all round, blinding
the Hobbits so they couldn't see whom or what was on top.
"Bloody hell!" cried Pippin, trying to shield his eyes "Couldn't you turn
your horse down a bit? Or at least cover it up!"
"Oh I am dreadfully sorry my young Hobbit." Said a silvery voice from up
above. The Hobbits gazed in wonder as a beautiful Elf dismounted and sent
her horse to stand in the shade. The Elf-lady had long flowing, blonde
hair, but at night it turned jet black. Her eyes were pure gold, and a
little off-putting to others when they first saw her. They stared in awe up
at her, captured by her beauty and their eyes were roving all over her body
(I can't help it if Hobbits are perverted). She wore a low-cut purple
dress, which shimmered and changed colour whenever she moved, it was once
her mother's, given to her by a lover before she was brutally murdered in
an attack by Orcs. Her hair was free flowing and God only knows how she
kept it knot free, but she did.
"Good Morrow my friends." The Hobbits were at once under the spell of her
voice and drooled continuously as she spoke. "Would one of you happen to
know where the Blue Mountains are? I am on my way there to avenge my
Father's death at the hands of the wild men that live there." Wait a
minute, did I hear that correctly? Wild men live in the Blue Mountains?
It's the First I've heard of them.oh sorry, continuing with the story. The
Hobbits all nodded and pointed vaguely down the road. "Thankyou my little
men." She finished as she turned back towards her horse. Merry snapped out
of his trance.
"Excuse me! We are not little men thankyou very much! We are Hobbits and
we're damn proud of it! Aren't we?" he finished, elbowing the others, who
"And, if you don't mind me asking," continued Frodo "Do you really talk
like that? Or are you just putting it on?"
"Certainly not!" Replied the Elf, whose name happened to be Brilthonien "I
was brought up good and proper! I mean properly!"
"Yeah," replied Frodo, "Sure you were!"
"So you do not talk like this?"
"No, and it's don't"
"But I thought you did, you did in the book." Finished Brilthonien
"Well, we do when we're being followed by an author, but not any other
"An author? You mean like that one over there?" She said pointing to a
figure crouching in the long grass. The figure stood up and yelled
"I'm not here!" then quickly sat back down again.
"Yeah," joined Merry, "Like the figure- I mean woman said, she's not here"
"All right then." Said Brilthonien as she backed away towards her horse.
But before she could get there a hoard of Orcs, small Orcs, but Orcs (how
many times can I say Orcs in one sentence?) came flying towards them down
the road and Brilthy immediately went into battle mode. With one hand she
was shooting arrows by the dozen, with the other she was chopping with her
sword and she was stabbing with daggers concealed on the bottom of each of
her boots. The Hobbits were going to ask how on earth she was still
standing while doing all this but thought better of it.
Finally all of the enemy were slain and then came their wives and children
to mourn them, their wives and children who were hobbits. Brilthy was truly
"You twit!" shouted Pippin, "Today was the Battle of Greenfields re-
"Oh." Said Brilthy as she swiftly got onto her horse and galloped off into
the sunset.the sunset at 1 O'clock in the afternoon.