|Some Things Are Worth Waiting For
Author: Lady Feylene PM
Remus Lupin is torn between propriety and his feelings for a friend...(slash, spoilers in second chapter.)Rated: Fiction M - English - Romance - Remus L. & Sirius B. - Chapters: 2 - Words: 5,016 - Reviews: 10 - Favs: 4 - Updated: 07-04-03 - Published: 07-03-03 - id: 1412177
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: Characters herein do not belong to me, they belong to JK Rowling (or as I call her, The Author With No Heart)
Warning: Slash. Male on male situations, but very, very mild.
Spoilers: ER...PoA, I guess. Takes place in the Marauders era.
Rating: PG-13, for some mild language.
Summary: Remus is torn between propriety and his feelings for a friend...
Author's Note: I finished OotP about a week ago. Don't worry, no spoilers anywhere here. But it did change my outlook on a few things, and it opened me up to the possibilities of the Sirius/Remus relationship. I know that for years I've been a steadfast Severus/Remus shipper but...well, my views have shifted a little bit.
This is nothing but fluffy, mindless tripe.
Some Things Are Worth Waiting For
//Love is a damn confusing thing.//
Remus Lupin sighed down at his transfiguration essay, chewing absently on the tip of his quill. His mind, for once, wasn't on his homework. It was across the common room, focused on carelessly perfect black hair and laughing brown eyes.
//This isn't fair.// His thoughts continued, the words he'd already written swimming and dancing across his unblinking vision. //I'd imagine, that at sixteen, these sorts of things wouldn't be so difficult.// But they were. Regardless of his steadfast attempts to ignore it, he was falling hopelessly in love with Sirius Black.
There were quite a few problems this caused, at least in Remus' mind. Number one, Sirius was his best friend. Number two, he was his very *male* best friend. Number three, he-Remus-was a werewolf. And despite the fact that he knew Sirius wasn't bothered by this, it still gave him pause. It was one thing to be best friends with a werewolf, it was another entirely to sleep with one.
//And besides, Sirius has made it clear that he's *very* interested in women. He has a different girlfriend every week.//
That didn't bode well for Remus at all. He gave a small sigh, still staring out at nothing in particular.
"Hey...Moony...you in there?"
Remus was jerked back to reality by the object of his mental wanderings waving a hand in is face and shouting.
"Hmm? Oh, yes..." He shook his head, offering a rather dazed smile at Sirius, who was frowning.
"Are you okay? You were really spaced out there..."
"Oh, I was just thinking about this essay." Another somewhat confused smile.
"Don't think too much, you're going to hurt yourself." Sirius ran a hand through his hair, and Remus found himself giving another little sigh. "Okay, that's it. Homework down. You're not acting like yourself."
"I think I'm just tired." Remus tried very hard not to stare into Sirius' eyes.
"Well, you've been burning your brain over that essay..." James added, throwing himself down into a chair next to Remus.
"Since when have you had to work hard at schoolwork?" Peter piped up, wrinkling his nose. "Transfiguration is your best subject!"
"You sure there's not something else on your mind?"
Trust Sirius to see through Remus' rather feeble defenses.
"No, not really." Remus shrugged, offering a bright smile to his friends. "I just want to make sure I get top marks, is all."
"You don't really need to work at it, Moony." James reminded him. "You can write circles around those nerds in Ravenclaw."
"Damn right he can!" Sirius agreed, clapping Remus on the shoulder. "So knock of the studying...we can find something much more fun to do..."
"Oh, you go on." Remus tucked away his essay, gathering up his things. "I think I may turn in early."
"This early?" James frowned as well now. "Come on Moony...it's hardly even dark out."
"I know, but I really am tired..."
"Hey, he wants to miss out on all the fun, he can miss out on all the fun." Sirius said, giving Remus a strange look.
"You can tell me all about it in the morning." Remus stood up, yawning, and didn't wait for a response before he fled to the safety of the dorm.
"I'm getting a little worried about Moony..."
"Me too." Sirius nodded, eyes not leaving where Remus had disappeared up to the dorms. James was right. Remus was always a bit reserved and quiet, but not like this.
"He's been acting funny all week." Peter added, and again Sirius nodded.
"You'd better talk to him Padfoot. He shares with you the most." James pointed out.
"Yeah..." Sirius thought long and hard, but he couldn't think of a single thing that would be upsetting Remus. And he didn't seem *upset* exactly, just out of sorts.
"Look, you guys go do whatever, I'm gonna go talk to Moony. Alone."
"Yeah." James nodded. "Come on Wormtail, let's go see what the first year Hufflepuffs are up to..."
Sirius waited until James and Peter had left, and headed up to the dorms. It bothered him to see Remus so...out of it. And he really wasn't paying much attention to his schoolwork, which was the most worrying.
Sirius entered the dorm, and saw Remus sitting on a window sill, looking out over the grounds.
"Thought you were going to bed." Sirius said, and was rewarded with a rather panicked jump from Remus.
"Oh...I..." Fear flashed momentarily across Remus' amber eyes, before settling into something a bit more calm. "I just wanted to watch the stars for a bit."
"Sure." Sirius sat down on Remus' bed, hands between his knees. "Look, cut the shit Moony. What's going on?"
"Nothing." Remus sighed and shook his head a little bit. "It's really nothing. I appreciate the concern..."
"I'm not going to go running back to James and Peter with whatever you tell me, if that's what you're worried about. You know whatever you tell me's just between us." Sirius couldn't understand that Remus would have any dark secrets that he would keep from *him*.
"No, that's not it." Remus gave a small laugh.
"Then what? We're worried about you Moony..."
"I know." Remus gave a sad smile. "But it really isn't as bad as you're making it out to be."
"Something's bothering you, that's all that matters." Remus had always been a little...distanced. But Sirius had thought that after six years of unquestioning friendship that they wouldn't have these problems. "What is it? You can tell me...you know you can tell me anything..."
"No." Remus shook his head, and there was a somewhat sad note to his voice.. "I can't tell you anything."
"Sure you can." Remus actually thought there were things he needed to keep from him? "I know you're a werewolf, I can't think of anything more secret then *that*."
Remus titled his head thoughtfully, as though he were thinking very hard about what Sirius had just said. He pursed his lips, and frowned slightly.
"Anything?" He asked, and the word was rather heavy and serious.
"Anything." Sirius assured him. Didn't Remus get it? After all they had been through together, didn't Remus realize how much he cared? He had thought he had made clear...
"What if I were to tell you I enjoyed killing small animals." Remus' voice was dead serious, and Sirius wasn't sure if he was joking or not. His eyes were calm and inquisitive, and Sirius was pretty sure it was legitimate question.
"I...I don't know." Sirius paused. "I...I guess I'd recommend you get some sort of counseling. I mean...that would be a problem, but I wouldn't stop being your friend over it. I'd get you help."
"I see." Remus nodded. "All right. What if I told you I enjoyed having sex with animals?"
"Uh..." Again, Remus' tone and eyes left no room for any sort of argument or misinterpretation. "More therapy. Lots and lots of therapy..."
"Um...yes?" Remus couldn't be serious. He just couldn't.
"Because....I think that it's in the same category as the killing of animals...it's some sort of disease..." But Sirius paused. Remus *was* a werewolf, and he did spend one night out of the month as an animal. "Well, I don't know. I guess it would depend."
"Well, on what sort of animals. I mean...I guess it wouldn't be *too* weird if you were attracted to...I don't know. Lady dogs." Sirius shrugged. Maybe Remus had been right. Maybe he should have just left it alone.
"And if I told you I enjoyed sex with other men?"
"I'd fall down on my knees and thank merlin that it's not animals." Sirius said, breathing a sigh of relief.
"Well, you'd best get on your knees then." Remus said, averting his eyes.
"That's...you like other guys? That's what all of this has been about?" Sirius didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Considering all of what it could be, that was....well, that was nothing! "Moony...so what?"
"Well, I don't know!" Remus snapped. "I don't know how you feel about that. You're rather free with the word 'queer' as an insult, you know."
"Only when it comes to certain disgusting Slytherins." Sirius shrugged. He didn't much care. He half thought he wouldn't mind a go with another bloke, if the opportunity ever presented itself. And then there was the whole emotional aspect of everything. It wasn't anything he gave much thought to, but having a relationship with another man seemed pretty natural, when he actually thought about it.
"And you have absolutely no problem with the fact that I'm attracted to other men? Being another man yourself, and therefor subject to my sexual fantasies and desires?"
"Why should that bother me?" Sirius frowned. What did that have to do with anything.
"What if, perhaps, you were changing for bed and I was watching you? Would that make you uncomfortable?"
"No." Sirius shrugged. "Moony, I walk around without my shirt every chance I get *hoping* girls will look."
"I'm not a girl." Remus pointed out.
"No, but you act like one."
That earned a pillow being thrown at him. Sirius ducked, and grinned. "Come on Moony...I'd *hope* you thought I was good looking. You strike me as the type to have *very* discriminating taste."
"You honestly wouldn't care if I...if I fancied you?"
"Well...thinking I'm shag worthy and fancying me are two different things." Sirius said. Was there a point all this, or was it like all the animal questions? What if Remus *did* fancy him? Sirius wouldn't want to hurt him, or lead him on. He certainly wouldn't mind...he was rather certain if allowed, he'd fancy Remus right back. But he wasn't looking for a relationship, with anyone.
"And if I did fancy you?"
"I don't know." Sirius looked at Remus hard, thinking. He was pretty certain that Remus was getting at something here. And it wasn't anything that could be just left alone. This had turned out to be rather serious indeed. "I guess...I guess I'd talk to you about it."
Remus wasn't sure what was possessing him. But Sirius was pushing it, and they were alone in the dorm, and Sirius was on his bed...
//This is a stupid idea.// But Sirius had been rather receptive so far.
"Talk?" Sirius looked puzzled.
"You said if I fancy you, we would talk about it. I fancy you. Let's talk." At least...at least it would be out in the open.
A long silence. Well, that hadn't gone as it was supposed to. Remus was half inclined to just leave, and forget it had ever happened. //So much for supposed Gryffindor bravery...//
"Well..." Sirius continued you. "I...it's not that I don't often have people fancying me, but you're a bit different."
"Because I'm a boy."
"Because you're my best friend." Sirius said. "Things would be exactly the same if you were a girl. Generally, a girl falls head over heels, I take her out, I shag her a bit, she gets over it. I can't do that with you, and I don't want to."
"Of course not." Well, that was rather obvious!
"It would really screw things up between us, and I don't want that."
That hadn't exactly been what Remus was expecting. Sirius wouldn't sleep with him because of the complications it would bring.
"No." Remus agreed, shaking his head.
"I care about you a lot." Sirius added, quickly. "You know that, Moony. I've just...I've never looked at you like that. It's hard. You're my best friend. And honestly, I don't know how I stand when it comes to sex with other guys. I'm not against it, but I don't know if it's something I'd want to do all the time. I...I think a relationship with another guy would be a good thing, though..."
"You don't need to explain yourself." Remus said, quietly. That's what he got for getting his hopes up. Sirius Black would never want him.
"Yes, I do." Sirius said. "I don't want you thinking that I'm bothered by this or freaked out by this or against this. I just...i just need to really think about it."
"Think about what?"
"What we do now." Sirius sighed, running a hand through his hair again. "If I went out with you, I wouldn't want it to be just a fling."
"You...you'd consider going out with me?" Remus could barely get the words out.
"Yes." Sirius nodded. "But...I don't know if I'm ready for a real relationship."
"That's all right." Remus got up, and walked over until he sat down next to Sirius. "I...I can wait."
And he supposed he could. He would wait as long as Sirius needed him to. He'd wait forever...
"I hate making you." Sirius said, putting an arm around Remus. "But...I mean...it's better then the other."
"Oh, yes." Remus nodded. "Much better."
"And we can keep this between ourselves." Sirius said, laughing slightly. "I don't want to deal with being teased mercilessly until we finally...you know."
"Oh yes!" Remus nodded. He didn't want to deal with James either. This was...a personal thing. A very personal thing. But he didn't care. It was better that way. He would wait as long as he needed, for Sirius to decided he was ready. It would be worth it.
"Told you you could tell me anything." Sirius said quietly, and Remus flushed.
"You did." And it was true. Why had he been so stupid about this? When had Sirius ever judged him? He looked up, his cheeks burning, and Sirius' free hand came up to trail over his cheek. Their eyes met for just a moment, and then Sirius' lips were brushing against his in the gentlest of kisses.
"Something to hold you over." He said, his voice slightly husky. Remus just nodded, burying his head in Sirius' shoulder. The kiss had sent shivers and tingles up and down his spine. He was shivering slightly, but not from cold or fear. It had been his first kiss, but damned if it would be his last from Sirius! In a few months perhaps, or even a few years, Sirius would come back to him.
And it would be worth the wait.