Snape: (Happily) Good morning my little sheep! Today we will make Christmas cookies and hand them out to the elderly!

Harry: Are you feeling okay?

Snape: Ah! A concerned child! Wonderful! 20 house points for Gryffindor!

Draco: But that's not-

Snape: SHUT UP YOU LITTLE IDIOT CHILD!

(Draco paralyzed in shock)

Snape: YOU MALFOY OF A FOOL! (Runs over and hits Malfoy on the head with a staff)

Draco: OW! What did ya do that for?

Snape: Because you are a squashed banana!

Draco: That doesn't make sense!

Snape: I don't care! (Runs around throwing sparkles everywhere) Now think of a happy thought! And you can fly! (Runs around the room flapping his arms) WWWWWEEEEEEEEE! I will be right back! (He leaves)

(Snape returns wearing a Santa suit)

Hermione: I think you need help. I'll go get Dumbledore-

Snape: Hermione! Come sit on Santa's lap and tell me what you want for Christmas little girl. (Takes out want) Wingadium leviosa!

(Hermione lifts off floor and on to Snape's lap)

Snape: Ho! Ho! Ho!

Hermione: You've gone mad!

Snape: That's no way to talk to Santa! That is a naughty thing to say! (Grabs duck tape and tapes up Hermione from the neck down and sticks a bar of soap in her mouth) Santa must go now! (Runs out of the room to change)

(Snape comes back in)

Snape: Guess what my little sheep! I can do magic!

Harry: !

Snape: Ah! An impudent child! Wonderful! 20 house points for Gryffindor! Now! I need a volunteer! Seamus! You will be my volunteer! Come step into the box!

(Seamus steps in)

Snape: Now I will make him disappear!

(Snape closes the box and then opens it. In Seamus' place is the unenthusiastic lady Marv in Monsters Inc)

Marv: Tad-da! Ha ha ha ha.

(Ron opens his mouth to speak)

Harry: SHUT UP! NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY BE CAUSE IT IS STUPID!

Snape: Ah! A mean-spirited child! Wonderful! 20 house points for Gryffindor!

Neville: Where is Seamus?

Marv: What? You mean the ugly turkey? Oops.

Neville: What happened?

Marv: *BURP* I gotta go! (She leaves)

Snape: Oh well! I guess we won't see him any more! Let us sing! Joy to the world.

Crabbe: I just figured out how to make electricity with Draco's hair! It was simple! I calculated the square root of XY then divided by the RDG and multiplied the BRQ-

Harry: Just show us.

Snape: Ah! A demanding child! Wonderful! 20 house points for Gryffindor!

(Crabbe touches two hairs together electrifying Draco. Now Draco looks like a mess because he was electrified)

Draco: HOW DARE YOU-

Snape: I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP YOU IDIOT CHILD! (Tapes up Draco with duck tape from the neck down and put soap in his mouth.)

Goyle: (To Crabbe) I just finished reading Physics Level 386. What did you think of it?

Crabbe: It was interesting, but Quantum Physics Level 386 was much better.

Snape: NO TALKING! (Tapes them up with duck tape from the neck down and puts soap in their mouths.) I love duck tape! (Tapes up everyone else besides Harry with duck tape from the neck down and put soap in their mouths.)

Harry: I'm hungry.

Snape: Ah! A complaining child! Wonderful! 20 points for Gryffindor! Harry, you are like a son to me. How about you come to my house and we can eat lima beans till we die?

Harry: Um.

Snape: I have something to reveal. I am your mommy!

Harry: You are a guy.

Snape: That is irrelevant. Now you are coming with me and eating lima beans till you die young man! (Grabs Harry's ear and drags him off.)