|Thousand Arms in Germany
Author: omoide no mori PM
The cast of Thousand Arms treks through Nazi Germany. Join them as they seek answers to important questions such as: What is a beeflog? How can a person have more than one chin? Who's following them? And what’s with the blonde hair, blue eyes trend? KylRated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Words: 1,449 - Reviews: 5 - Published: 07-08-03 - id: 1419338
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Thousand Arms in Germany
Author's note: Be prepared for insanity as the cast of Thousand Arms finds itself in Germany during the time of Hitler's reign. Witness out-of-line sexual innuendo, quirky antics galore, and Nazis, Nazis, Nazis! Look out for cameos of bin Laden as he hides under the very large cloak of Germany's insane dictator! What's bin Laden doing in Germany in the 1920's, you ask? Who the hell cares! Listen to shameless bashing of other cultures, and yuk it up as our heroes discover they don't know what the hell is going on. Will they ever get home? *Cultural or sexual references and bashing is not to be taken seriously, and does not express the true opinions of the author. In addition, I do not speak German nor do I pretend to.*
Summary: The cast of Thousand Arms treks through Nazi Germany. Join them as they seek answers to important questions such as: What is a beeflog? How can a person have more than one chin? Who are those weird people following them? And what's with the blonde hair, blue eyes trend? Kyleen: That is SOOO totally last season.
Disclaimer: Insert standard bullshit here.
Germany, in the time of Hitler. A happy place full of butterflies and bunnies. A country where one was free to express his opinion no matter what the general consensus. A time when peace and harmony reigned supreme, and obesity was down thirty percent. Yes, people loved life and the country they lived in, and their ruler blessed their loyalty with gifts of fine gems and his gratitude.
Actually, it was more like this:
"Get in there, you damn Jew! Or is your nose so big it's getting in the way of your feet?" a solder in the green and red fatigues of the German military mocked as he shoved the blubbering man with the butt of his gun into a small building. He laughed raucously as the man stumbled over his own child in the close quarters and crashed ungracefully to the filthy cement. The child cried out in alarm and pain, but somehow managed to crawl to her fallen father with tear stained cheeks.
"Papa! Please be alright! Papa!"
The soldier scowled his contempt at the distraught child, saying, "Don't worry about dear 'Papa', little Jew. He'll die here with the rest of you in due time. Hahahahah!"
The child's fearful expression was cut short as the reinforced door sealed the fate of those within. The soldier smirked to the closed door before turning to his commander at the other side of the tiny antechamber. At the commander's nod, he moved to the lever beside the door and pulled it to the 'ON' position. Cries could be heard coming from within.
Is the crazy one with them?" asked the commander.
"That fat blob in the corner?" A finger directed his commander's gaze through the glass portal to the large figure at the rear of the writhing mass.
"She is known by many names, this Sally Struthers," the commander remarked wisely. "I imagine that is one of them. Yes, I do not think we have to worry about her any more." Then he smiled a feral little smile. "Tell the Fuhrer to go ahead and cancel Ms. Struthers's appearance on 'When Foreign Food Drives Go Bad' tonight. I'm afraid she will not be able to make it. Ha ha ha ha ha haaa!"
"Ha ha ha hah!"
"Ah hah ha ha ha ha haaa!"
"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"
"That's enough!" the commander scowled. "Let us take our leave of this foul stinkhole."
"Yes." With a heel click, the soldier followed his commanding officer out of the antechamber into the afternoon sun.
Meanwhile, in the room slowly filling with gas...
Sally Struthers wonders at her sanity as more Jews seek her blubbery folds to escape the debilitating fumes. "Oh, what a world!"
In a more tranquil environment, seven world heroes walk together after a refreshing dinner. The All-You-Can-Eat Chinese restaurant was having a sale for 'Saviors of the Known World'. The group, being the only ones in attendance, had learned that they were alone in that particular endeavor. The restaurant learned it wasn't really all-you-can-eat with a man like Muza among the dining party. Even so, everyone got their fill and now, sated and a few pounds heavier, they walk in silence or converse lightly.
"I've really gotta let one rip!" Meis moaned, clutching his churning stomach. "That might account for about five pounds of the weight I put on today."
"Meis!" Sodina cried, appalled by his lack of modesty... again. Honestly, why can't men be more like women with their flatulence?
"Well, I do!" Meis whined.
"I heard that if you hold one in too long, you blow up," provided Muza. His impeccable sensitivity to potentially anxious situations was unsurpassed by no one. "I have a friend who knew this guy - and I mean knew in the past ten--."
Wyna retrieved her fist from where she had planted it in her boyfriend's thick skull. "Muza!"
But Meis's eyes had already grown that glazed, frightened cast that always came before panicked hysterics. They all knew the look. It was the one they'd seen on many faces the day that James Taylor guy had blown into Hotoba and put on his 'concert' for the crippled children.
"I-I don't wanna die, Muza!" There was a pause. "Oh, God! I can't fart!" -sob, sob- "Please, help me, Muza!"
Sodina rushed to her lover's side, drawing her to him in support while glaring at the cause of his distress. "It's okay, Meis. Muza was only kidding, right." When Muza just stared back blankly, Sodina said, "Nod, Muza."
For lack of an argument that would stand against Sodina's wrath, Muza nodded.
"See?" Sodina coaxed, voice gentle again. "Muza said he was joking! Nothing to worry about."
Meis's features were still set in horror, however, and he was deathly pale as he spoke, "Don't let me blow up like that guy. I'm too young and idealistic to d-!"
There was a long, thin sound like the kind you make when you squeeze the tip of a balloon to release the air, then utter silence. The companions ducked for cover in the foliage along the road.
Muza feared the worst.
"M-Meis...?" Though his tone was laced with concern for his friend, he remained safely in the brush.
Kyleen emerged multi-tasked, disentangling a leaf from her green hair and holding her nose. "Meis, that was disgusting! I can't believe I even associate with you."
Soushi followed her lead and braved the street again, although he did so with a little more dignity and a cautious whiff of his surroundings. "Honestly, Meis, you can't take anything Muza says for the gospel truth."
"What does that mean?" Muza whined, coming out to stand with the slowly reforming group.
"He just means you're pretty thick headed and believe what you hear without question," Kyleen simplified, folding her arms.
"To put it delicately..." Soushi murmured with sarcasm.
Feeling much better, and ready to gather what few strands of dignity he had left, Meis said, "Whoa! I thought I was a goner there for a second." Five heads shook in wonder. What it must be like to have a simple mind...
Noticing Nelsha was more withdrawn than usual and not really getting into the afternoon antics, Muza clapped her on the back. "Hey, Nelsha! You're pretty quiet today. How come?"
The others shifted attention to the young girl as if they just now noticed she'd been traveling with them. Nelsha refused to comment, however, staring at the rocks by her sneakers with new interest.
Muza, being the lunkhead he is, pressed, "Oh, I get it." He winked knowingly, earning four worried glances and one clueless stare. "It's that time of the month. Someone's on her raaaaa-aaaaaaag!" Muza sang, skipping in the road.
Four things of great yet no real significance happened here. A sharp slap issued as Wyna whacked herself in the forehead. A mass shaking of heads ensued all around. Then Kyleen commented in a seemingly unremarkable fit of redundancy, "God, it still smells out here!"
And Nelsha transformed into her blonde alter ego.
There were five screams as the ground bottomed out, a percussive smack, another scream, and then...
TO BE CONTINUED