Disclaimer: Well here we have another Angst story from little old me. I don't own Stargate, Daniel Jackson, the poem used by Lord Byron or anything else. Please read and review this fic!!
Thanks' to my lovely brand spanking new beta 'groovy_chik', for looking at this, not laughing and then being kind enough to beta it.
'I had a dream, which was not all a dream.
The bright sun was extinguish'd, and the stars
Did wander darkling in the eternal space,
Rayless, and pathless, and the icy earth
Swung blind and blackening in the moonless air.'
~Darkness, By Lord Byron.
He said it would stop hurting. Not at first, not the first days, when the pain was still as sharp and clear as a newly cut wound, it's ragged edge in the shape of a mocking smile.
He said it would stop or at the very least fade away, until all that was left was a dull ache in your heart and a painful echo in your memory.
I read a poem once, called 'Darkness.' It was written by Lord Byron. It tells the story of a dream - a dream in which the sun is extinguished, and all men lost there hearts. They went mad through lack of sunlight, dying in great numbers until only two were left, two who hated each other. When the two met, they died.
I remember thinking how terrible the poem was, a monstrosity. For poems and stories should have happy endings, a fairy tale end. Yet this poem didn't. I put it out of my memory and tried to forget.
When I lost my sun, my heart, the poem came back to me in full force. I wondered then, if I would go mad, through lack of sunlight. How could I live, knowing that she had gone?
I watched as if in a haze my life go past, stuck in a dream. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. What did I care about Earth, or the people on it? Yet... I cared. I couldn't just walk away from trying to save Sha're and pretty soon I couldn't walk away from trying to save Earth.
SG-1 grew on me. Jack... well, Jack grew on me before this all happened and it was Jack who helped in the first days when I was starved for light. Sam and I clicked right from the start.
The problem was Teal'C. The man responsible for what happened to my wife. The man who took away everything I cared about, the man who used to serve the person I hate more than anyone in the world. I forgave him in the end. It was hard to look past what he had done and see who he is now. In the end I saw him. That was all it took. To just see him, a compassionate man who was just trying to save people.
He thinks I don't know that he guards me, don't know that he holds himself responsible for my welfare. Part of me wants to tell him that I know why he hovers, I know that it's not just because he's my friend - though that is one of his reasons. It's as if by trying to protect me he can make up for the hurt he caused in my heart.
The stronger part of me is more selfish. The stronger part of me wants Teal'C to suffer, to feel guilty. It's wrong, I know it's wrong, time after time I've gone up to him, opened my mouth, got so close to telling him I know, that it's OK.
I can't. I can't do that. I'm not some saint, full of compassion and forgiveness. I'm not all knowing. Sure I can and do forgive, and, to some extent I have forgiven Teal'C.
I'm just a man. A man who lost the most important person in there life.
I am still... only human. A human who, while he may try to save entire planets and work through endless nights to help his friends but just couldn't say three little words.
I didn't need to say those words in the end, my actions betrayed me and my body turned on me. I forgave Teal'C through action, not word and we never talked about it, he knew I knew the real reason he guarded me. It never stopped him trying to protect me though.
People think I'm reckless, always running in to situations without ever thinking. It's not true, it's just I know I have Teal'C watching my back, I know I'm safe and I can almost be happy. Almost.
Until I think of her.
He promised it would stop hurting in the end, it had for him, fading away until there was nothing left. I'm sorry Jack, but it wouldn't. Not for me. I feel everything, I am my emotion, I live how I feel. It's why I don't make a good solider, you see. The army has to be unfeeling.
Jack said it would stop hurting, and in the day it does. In the night, it comes back and I hear her voice, whispering at me as I linger on the edge of dreams and reality. Fearful to commit myself to sleep, in case she did not come in my dreams but always scared of wakefulness, of knowing that there would only be an empty place next to me.
The wound may have healed so that only a thick red scar is left, but I can feel my blood throbbing through a vein just under the skin, showing me that my passion for her is still warm and alive.
Until I find you, my wife, my love, my sun, my everything, the world will be in darkness. And I most stumble through, trying to keep my fires alight and keep the demons of madness at bay.
Jack. Sam. Even Teal'C. They hold me in this world, make me see past the demons and the evil, to show me the shining truth. That she is still alive and while I live I will never forget my wife.
My one true love...
I love you.
'The waves were dead; the tides were in their grave,
The moon, there mistress, had expired before;
The winds were wither'd in the stagnant air,
And the clouds perish'd; Darkness had no need
Of aid from them - She was the Universe.'
~Darkness, By Lord Byron
There you have it. ::Sniff:: Poor Daniel....
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