I'm going to bet that not one of you knows about the little secrets we've all got. Here at the mansion. Secrets and games we keep away from each other. We all know that we've got them, we just… don't mention them loudly.

The mansion has little secrets itself too. But we generally know about them. Well… some people do. Evan's generally in the dark about everything… he couldn't care less and he's really just a little too dim to notice in the first place.

That was mean. But he's been getting on my nerves lately. When he had that argument with Kurt… ugh…

"Evan, bitte, clappe…bitte?" Kurt had been in the living room, holding his head in his hands.

We all knew perfectly well that he'd had another run in with the Brotherhood, but that's his game and we all play because he asks. Don't tell anyone.

Evan shook his head. "Kurt, seriously, man, if you don't shut up, I may have to kill you." He smiled grimly at the wall. "You gotta stand up to them. Stop trying to port them sick and just fight! We all know you could beat them easy, why don't you?"

Kurt sighed. "I don't want to hurt anyone."

"You are hurting someone! Yourself!"

"Evan…" Kurt stood up to look him in the eye. "The only way I could beat them enough to stop them coming after me would leave them half dead and me stained. I've got more than enough stains as is, so, if you don't mind, I'd prefer you didn't suggest I add another one."

"Stains? What are you talking about? Kurt, the problem's simple. They beat you up; it's about time you did the same to them. Or one of us did, anyway." Evan smirked, rubbing his knuckles. "Yeah. I'll get Scott and we'll go sort them out. Just because you're chicken and-"

"No." Kurt snapped. "No, just, would you leave it alone?"

The fight went further from there, until Evan eventually crossed a couple of unspoken lines, talking about being a coward and a weakling… Kurt just stood there, taking it silently. In the end he just walked out of the room.

That's another one of his games. To just leave when he gets in an argument. It's like he can make it go away by ignoring it.

One of the mansion's little secrets is Kurt's room. First week that he came to the institute, we found out about his nightmares. They're pretty serious; he wakes up screaming usually. But he won't tell us about them. We can guess, though. Little things he says without thinking, big things like the expression on his face the first time he had a training session with Amara, and the scars I've seen in the med labs.

But the nightmares woke even us up a couple of times. The professor was putting soundproofing in his room the week Kitty came.

So we don't wake up, hearing Kurt yell, just to wake him up so he can avoid us for the next week. But if you stand outside his door at night and listen, sometimes you can hear it just the same.

I guess that's my little game. I like to listen to Kurt dreaming after everyone's gone to bed. Maybe it's some sick sort of voyeurism. Or maybe I think I can help. Or maybe it's worse than that. Maybe listening to Kurt makes me feel better about myself.

No… I don't think it's that one. If that was the case, I could just lie in bed, watching the ceiling, and listen with my telepathy. I don't know why I don't do that. It just feels better on my conscience to be listening with my ears, to know that he's only a dozen feet from me, and I could help him if I wanted.

It's almost dawn. I expected him to be dreaming about his father again. Hanging around Kurt has taught me enough German to know that someone tried to beat up his parents for protecting him. Or did. I'm not sure. But he tends to remember that whenever he gets beaten up.

But he wasn't. At two, I was listening hard, even had my ear pressed against the door. But I couldn't hear anything. Eventually, I just got annoyed and opened the door, reasoning that I just wanted to make sure he was okay.

It was a hell of a shock when two golden eyes slid around to stare at me. "Jean?"

I stared right back. In the dark of the room, I could only just make out his outline. He blinked and looked around.

"Shield your eyes for a second." He said, closing his own. I winced and held my hand up, and he flicked on his bedside light.

After a moment, I looked back at him, still blinking slightly to adjust my eyes as he flicked his watch. He was sitting on the bed with a pillow clutched to his chest, still fully clothed and now-inducered, his knees drawn up against the pillow.

He peered at me, not annoyed, but curious. "What are you doing? It's two a.m.!"

"I… I wanted to make sure you were okay."

He raised an eyebrow, one side of his mouth quirking up in a trademark smile. "You wanted to make sure I was okay at two in the morning, by coming into my room and then standing around like you'd been caught with your hand in the cookie jar. Okay."

I chuckled, embarrassed. He always seems to know when I'm hiding something. "Guess you caught me, then." I indicated the bed and he nodded, letting me sit down by his feet. "I was, actually, listening to make sure you were sleeping okay."

He nodded, the pillow moving tighter to his chest. "Well. I'm not sleeping badly." He said, trying in vain to smile. "I'm just thinking."

"Care to think at someone?" I suggested quietly, putting my hand on his knee.

He looked at it, licking his lips nervously. "Just bad memories, Jean. It's nothing."

"It is something, I know it is." I moved closer, the better to look him in the eye, I reasoned with myself. He looked away, so I reached for his hand with my free one. "I just want to help you."

He made a small noise, somewhere between a sob and a chuckle. "A lot of people say that, Jean. Doesn't mean they can." He smiled slightly and squeezed my hand. "It just hurts sometimes. Hurts me, hurts the people I tell." He looked down. "I don't want to hurt anyone."

"Please, Kurt," I moved closer again until I was right beside him, holding both of his hands over the pillow. "You won't hurt me."

There was a definite crack in his voice this time, but he kept smiling. "Then it'll just hurt me." He laughed softly and looked back at me. "I'm sorry, Jean. But I'm not particularly good company tonight. Maybe you can come back tomorrow. I'll give you a free show then. Barrel of laughs, I promise."

Typical Kurt. I shook my head, determined. I turned off his image inducer, almost startled to see tear tracks through his fur. The fur on his face is shorter than the rest, sleek, I guess, like a seal. I don't think I'd ever touched it before.

He tensed slightly as I wiped the tears back and I smiled gently. "It's okay. Shh… you don't have to be funny all the time, Kurt. You don't have to be strong, either."

He lowered his eyes. "Yeah I do." He closed his eyes properly, breathing deeply to keep his voice steady. I wonder if that works for anyone. "I know… I know I'm supposed to be the worst that you can be. The… the mutant you pray you'll never become. But… I realised… that if people see that we can't… that I can't be normal… they'll realise that we'll never be accepted… they'll give up hope on… hope on it. And that can't happen. It can't." he breathed, rocking slightly from the hips.

I wiped another tear away with my thumb. "It's not up to you. You've got every right to be normal, but it's not your duty in life to joke when you don't want to. Being normal means you've got to feel, too." I was just stroking his cheek now. After a moment, he leaned into my hand, eyes still closed. I smiled. "You sure you don't want to think at someone?"

"I can honestly say, Jean, no." he smiled and turned his head to kiss my palm. "But thank you for listening so far."

I looked at him quietly for a moment, then moved my hand, my finger touching his lips tentatively. He raised his eyebrows slightly, but didn't say anything as my thumb ran over his bottom lip.

It was so soft. Not cracked like mine. I'd forgotten to wear lipgloss and the wind cut through them like knives. But Kurt, a guy that would probably never think of even lip balm, had soft, even lips. I found the cut where his lip had split from Lance's punches and tilted my head, my eyes half closed.

My hand moved to his swollen cheek, then up to his hair, brushing it back, running it through my fingers. He has glorious hair. It's like fine silk. Softer than even his fur. I moved a little closer and Kurt swallowed.

"Y- Ye- uh… Jean." He said, finally getting the 'J' to work in his mouth. "I- I think… we- uh- y- I mean…"

"Shh…" I rested his head on my hand and leaned closer, so our noses nearly touched. He swallowed again, golden eyes staring into me.

He finally found his tongue again and whispered: "Jean, you don't want to do this. Think about it."

"I don't care." I said, then closed the distance, just kissing him. He had them closed, but I could feel his tongue running over the inside of his mouth, wanting to get through. I pushed slightly on the back of his head and his knees slid out along the bed as he started to kiss back.

He was really good. There went my idea that this was his first kiss. It can't be possible to be a brilliant kisser first time around. Breathing a little fast, he tilted his head, deepening the kiss like an expert. His hands caught in my hair, like mine in his, pulling each other closer.

My tongue darted out first, tasting the inside of his mouth. He stifled a moan, loosening his grip slightly, but I just pulled him tighter, my hands moving from his hair to his back, pulling him against me.

He stiffened and shook his head suddenly, tearing away. He was breathing hard, and scuttled across the bed. "Sorry. I can't. You… you don't want this. It's not right."

"What are you talking about?" I whispered, crawling properly onto the bed. "How can't that be right? You want it, same as me. Right?"

He stared at me. "Thi- no, nein, d- d- this is wrong. No. You've got Scott. You love Scott." He shook his head. "Two thirty in the morning and I'm living soap operas. This is good."

I laughed softly, then reached for him again. "Kurt." I said firmly. "Scott and I are not in love. We never were. There is nothing wrong about what we're doing here."

"There are." He shook his head, smiling without humour. "There are a thousand things wrong with what we're doing. I'm sorry, but… Look, maybe you should just go."

I was starting to think there was something wrong here. Kurt was tenser than I'd ever seen him, and this was counting the time Evan had him rammed against the wall with a spike aimed at his heart.

"Kurt… what's wrong?"

"Nothing." He turned away from me, sighing heavily. "It's nothing, Jean. Just stupid elf problems."

"Elves don't have stupid problems." I put my hand on his shoulder and turned him back. "Especially not blue and fuzzy ones."

He smiled. "Not with angels checking on their sleep, anyway." The smile faded as he watched me. "Are you sure about what happened?"

"No." I grinned. "But I won't regret anything, I can promise you."

"How can you be unsure and yet promise me something?" he grinned, poking my side gently.

I opened my mouth to reply, but couldn't think of an answer. I just settled for smiling.

He looked down, then back up at my face. "Danke, Engel."

"Angel?" I repeated, staring at him. "What for?"

"For checking on me." He crawled under the covers of his bed, still fully clothed, and propped the pillow behind his head. "But now, I think, sleep might be a good thing for a few hours."

I nodded, then bit down on the inside of my lips. "Mind if I stay?"

He shrugged. "it didn't stop you before. Why would it now?"

I leaned down and kissed him again, but this time he didn't pull back. As a matter of fact, he sat up, smiling around the kiss. "I see."

"You do, do you?" I twisted so I could lie beside him, and wrapped my hand over his chest. "I can go, if you really want."

He yawned, rolling his head to lean on my hair. "Might be an idea."

But I didn't leave until I woke up five minutes ago, still curled around him as best I could be. It's a little odd, realising you like someone… like that… that you've been living with for almost a year. I just kissed him softly and was padding to the door when his alarm went off.

I was out of the door before he could see me. I'd always wondered how he managed to be dressed and ready before anyone else. I half ran down the hall and slipped into my room, grinning.

So now I'm sitting here on the edge of my bed, looking out the window with a stupid smile on my face.

Yep. The mansion's got a lot of secrets and games.

I think I've found a new one.