The Z-Gang Gets Psychoanalyzed

By DeadeyeDave

***

DED: Greetings. Today we will be looking into the hearts and minds of some of our most beloved video-game characters. We'll start by taking a look at the deeply disturbed psyche of the Skull Kid.

SK: WWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

DED: See? Deeply disturbed.

SK: I'M INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE!

DED: Yes, yes. Now Skull Kid, tell me about your childhood.

SK: WAIT! I'M NOT LYING ON THE COUCH! WHERE'S THE COUCH!

DED: Sigh...(snaps fingers, creates couch)

SK: WHOOOOOOOOOO! (jumps up and down on the couch) IT'S LIKE I'M ON THE MOON! I CONTROLLED THE MOON ONCE, YOU KNOW!

DED: Yes, I know. Tell me about your childhood.

SK: I DIDN'T HAVE A CHILDHOOD. I'VE LIVED IN THE LOST WOODS FOR THE LAST 2300 YEARS.

DED: I see. Tell me about your mother.

SK: I DIDN'T HAVE A MOTHER.

DED: Hmm. (writes something and mutters out loud) just...plain...nuts...Oh, go on.

SK: UMM...I...LACKED A MOTHER. OR FATHER. THERE WERE NONE.

DED: Really.

SK: ZIP. ZILCHO. NAUGHT. NADA. RIEN. NONE WHATSOEVER.

DED: So did you spring from the thigh of Zeus or what?

SK: NO CLUE.

DED: So tell me then about your life in the Lost Woods.

SK: OKAY. I SPENT THE FIRST 300 YEARS SITTING AROUND WONDERING WHAT I SHOULD DO.

DED: Hmm. What did you decide.

SK: YES IT WAS BORING! THANK YOU FOR ASKING!!!

DED: Oh. Sorry. Ahem. Was it boring?

SK: WHY YES, YES IT WAS.

DED: Aaah. So, what next?

SK: WELL, FOR THE NEXT 650 YEARS OR SO, I STOOD ON MY HEAD.

DED: And...this was good or bad?

SK: PRETTY GOOD. I MEAN, I GOT TO SEE THE SAME TREES IN A DIFFERENT LIGHT, AND ALL.

DED: And what of the rest of your life?

SK: FOR THE REMAINING 1250 YEARS UP TILL NOW, I'VE...UM...THIS IS TOTALLY CONFIDENTIAL, RIGHT?

DED: No. Not in the least.

SK: OH WELL. I...STARTED HITTING THE PIXIE STIX PRETTY HARD.

DED: Oh my. Tell me about that.

SK: THIS KOKIRI CAME UP AND OPENED HIS CLOAK. HE HAD LIKE A THOUSAND PIXIE STIX IN THERE. HE SAID THE FIRST WAS FREE...BUT BEFORE I KNEW IT I WAS HOOKED...

DED: Tragic. Go on.

SK: I LOST MY JOB AS HEAD-STANDING WEIRDO. I SPENT MOST OF MY TIME JUST SITTING AROUND, WATCHING STAR TREK RERUNS...

DED: Yes, behavior typical of Pixie stoners such as yourself.

SK: MY GOD...THEY SAY PIXIE STIX IS A GATEWAY DRUG...SOON I WAS DOING SWEETARTS, M&MS, SKITTLES...THE WHOLE LOT...SOMETIMES WHEN I COULDN'T AFFORD A HIT, I WOULD GNAW DESPERATELY ON RAW SUGARCANE...CUPCAKES...MILKSHAKES...OH GOD! IT WAS HORRIBLE! I WOULD SNORT TWENTY PIXIE STIX A DAY...AND LIKE FIFTY LAFFY TAFFYS...

DED: You poor, pathetic creature...

SK: THEY SAID ALL THE COOL SKELETONS WERE DOING IT!!! *starts sobbing uncontrollably*

DED: There there. We can help you.

SK: *sniffle* REALLY?

DED: Yes. First you must admit you have a problem.

SK: OKAY...MY NAME IS SKULL KID...AND I'M...A SUGARHOLIC.

DED: Very good.

SK: I JUST CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT MY PRECIOUS SUGARHOL!

DED: Okay. Well, tell me some about your friends. How did you get along with others?

SK: WHAT? WHAT'S A FRIEND?

DED: I see.

SK: NO! REALLY! WHAT ARE THEY? I'M SO LONELY...

DED: Ooooookay...ahem. Diagnosis: Insufferible hyperactivity brought on by constant headstands and sugar addiction. Perscription: Ritalin. Lots and lots of Ritalin.

SK: NOOOO! I'M NOT CRAZY! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME TAKE ANYTHING! MOON! ATTACK THEM! FALL FROM THE SKY! I HAVE POWERS! AWESOME POWERS! ATTACK! KILL! FEAR MEEEEEEEE! SUFFER MY WRATH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! STOP THA...

DED: (shoving pills into SK's open mouth) All better!

SK: (stops suddenly and stands stiff as a board)

DED: Take him away! (two stagehands pick up SK and carry him off) Well, my work here is done.