The Z-Gang Gets Psychoanalyzed
DED: Greetings. Today we will be looking into the hearts and minds of some
of our most beloved video-game characters. We'll start by taking a look at
the deeply disturbed psyche of the Skull Kid.
DED: See? Deeply disturbed.
SK: I'M INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE!
DED: Yes, yes. Now Skull Kid, tell me about your childhood.
SK: WAIT! I'M NOT LYING ON THE COUCH! WHERE'S THE COUCH!
DED: Sigh...(snaps fingers, creates couch)
SK: WHOOOOOOOOOO! (jumps up and down on the couch) IT'S LIKE I'M ON THE
MOON! I CONTROLLED THE MOON ONCE, YOU KNOW!
DED: Yes, I know. Tell me about your childhood.
SK: I DIDN'T HAVE A CHILDHOOD. I'VE LIVED IN THE LOST WOODS FOR THE LAST
DED: I see. Tell me about your mother.
SK: I DIDN'T HAVE A MOTHER.
DED: Hmm. (writes something and mutters out loud) just...plain...nuts...Oh,
SK: UMM...I...LACKED A MOTHER. OR FATHER. THERE WERE NONE.
SK: ZIP. ZILCHO. NAUGHT. NADA. RIEN. NONE WHATSOEVER.
DED: So did you spring from the thigh of Zeus or what?
SK: NO CLUE.
DED: So tell me then about your life in the Lost Woods.
SK: OKAY. I SPENT THE FIRST 300 YEARS SITTING AROUND WONDERING WHAT I
DED: Hmm. What did you decide.
SK: YES IT WAS BORING! THANK YOU FOR ASKING!!!
DED: Oh. Sorry. Ahem. Was it boring?
SK: WHY YES, YES IT WAS.
DED: Aaah. So, what next?
SK: WELL, FOR THE NEXT 650 YEARS OR SO, I STOOD ON MY HEAD.
DED: And...this was good or bad?
SK: PRETTY GOOD. I MEAN, I GOT TO SEE THE SAME TREES IN A DIFFERENT LIGHT,
DED: And what of the rest of your life?
SK: FOR THE REMAINING 1250 YEARS UP TILL NOW, I'VE...UM...THIS IS TOTALLY
DED: No. Not in the least.
SK: OH WELL. I...STARTED HITTING THE PIXIE STIX PRETTY HARD.
DED: Oh my. Tell me about that.
SK: THIS KOKIRI CAME UP AND OPENED HIS CLOAK. HE HAD LIKE A THOUSAND PIXIE
STIX IN THERE. HE SAID THE FIRST WAS FREE...BUT BEFORE I KNEW IT I WAS
DED: Tragic. Go on.
SK: I LOST MY JOB AS HEAD-STANDING WEIRDO. I SPENT MOST OF MY TIME JUST
SITTING AROUND, WATCHING STAR TREK RERUNS...
DED: Yes, behavior typical of Pixie stoners such as yourself.
SK: MY GOD...THEY SAY PIXIE STIX IS A GATEWAY DRUG...SOON I WAS DOING
SWEETARTS, M&MS, SKITTLES...THE WHOLE LOT...SOMETIMES WHEN I COULDN'T
AFFORD A HIT, I WOULD GNAW DESPERATELY ON RAW
SUGARCANE...CUPCAKES...MILKSHAKES...OH GOD! IT WAS HORRIBLE! I WOULD SNORT
TWENTY PIXIE STIX A DAY...AND LIKE FIFTY LAFFY TAFFYS...
DED: You poor, pathetic creature...
SK: THEY SAID ALL THE COOL SKELETONS WERE DOING IT!!! *starts sobbing
DED: There there. We can help you.
SK: *sniffle* REALLY?
DED: Yes. First you must admit you have a problem.
SK: OKAY...MY NAME IS SKULL KID...AND I'M...A SUGARHOLIC.
DED: Very good.
SK: I JUST CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT MY PRECIOUS SUGARHOL!
DED: Okay. Well, tell me some about your friends. How did you get along
SK: WHAT? WHAT'S A FRIEND?
DED: I see.
SK: NO! REALLY! WHAT ARE THEY? I'M SO LONELY...
DED: Ooooookay...ahem. Diagnosis: Insufferible hyperactivity brought on by
constant headstands and sugar addiction. Perscription: Ritalin. Lots and
lots of Ritalin.
SK: NOOOO! I'M NOT CRAZY! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME TAKE ANYTHING! MOON! ATTACK
THEM! FALL FROM THE SKY! I HAVE POWERS! AWESOME POWERS! ATTACK! KILL! FEAR
MEEEEEEEE! SUFFER MY WRATH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! STOP THA...
DED: (shoving pills into SK's open mouth) All better!
SK: (stops suddenly and stands stiff as a board)
DED: Take him away! (two stagehands pick up SK and carry him off) Well, my
work here is done.