Come Back to the Galleon and Knut, Mary Sue, Mary Sue.
This is the ballad of sweet Mary Sue,
Who was charming, intelligent and beautiful, too.
She appeared at Hogwarts one magical day
And blew all the helpless young lions away.
Mary was gorgeous, you couldn't help but stare!
She could change the color of her eyes and her hair
To whatever the young man fancied it to be.
She was tall, and thin, and only nineteen.
Mary Sue was an intelligent debutante.
She made Hermione look like an idiot savant,
And Harry Potter forgot about Cho-
Malfoy changed his spots, he loved Sue so.
She slithered to Slytherin, where the boys all tried
To win her heart. When they didn't, they cried.
Then onto Hufflepuff, then Ravenclaw--
She kissed and she hugged, she tried them all.
She started her charm on kind Neville L.
That good-natured lad couldn't break her love spell.
Then she came onto Ron, who treated her like a queen:
Mary Sue was the most beautiful creature he'd seen.
Next there was Harry, the Boy-Who-Lived.
He gave Mary Sue all he had to give;
But it wasn't enough, for she needed perfection,
And young Potter was soon the next for rejection.
She next tried Lupin, but the werewolf refused -
He saw right through Mary Sue's ruse;
So that clever gal cut all the red tape
And cast her nets for Severus Snape.
Snape was so happy! No girl would make eyes
At an old greasy git. She filled his head with lies.
He gave her the world on a platter
But soon even the potions master didn't matter.
Slash reared its head - she didn't resist
There were so many more students to kiss!
Lavender Brown was the first one to fall
And pretty soon, Sue had dated them all.
What was next? Interspecies dating?
Perhaps maybe even she and Dobby could be mating,
But poor Mary Sue! She was getting so bored.
She couldn't help to be perfect, couldn't help being adored!
Hogwarts couldn't hold her - "too pure for this world"
Said dear Dumbledore of that mystical girl
Who transfigured into a large rainbow.
Where she is now? - the world will never know...