|Aoshisama? My Stomach Hurts
Author: Kitten Kisses PM
The Stomach chewing demons have Misao! Aoshi, you have to help her! [FIC DISCONTINUED DUE TO MY LACK OF INTEREST.]Rated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Humor - Aoshi & Misao - Chapters: 7 - Words: 16,762 - Reviews: 222 - Favs: 39 - Follows: 9 - Updated: 09-05-06 - Published: 07-26-03 - id: 1445729
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
I've got very bad writer's block, and I'm far from being in a humorous mood anymore, so forgive me if this sucks.
Misao sighed to herself yet again as her predicament settled into her mind. She was on the floor, tied to someone she definitely had feelings for, and she had terrible cramps. Not to mention that she could leak blood all over him at any given moment. Her cheeks reddened at the thought, while her thoughts ran wild.
What she wouldn't give for one of those lampons right now. Or anything, really. Though, she admitted to herself, it wouldn't really do her any good to have one now. If she'd had one last night…maybe. She wondered how people like her parents, and their parents had coped with this problem.
She hated cramps. And blood. Especially blood that came out of her. All squishy and red and goopy. It was just disgusting! And it could end up all over Aoshi at any given moment.
The poor guy. She felt sorry for him (for about a millisecond, anyway). Hey, though! At least he didn't have to deal with that sort of thing. He just had to worry about turning out like Okina (which, she supposed, could be a problem in itself).
She turned back to her inner thoughts, positive that it would only be a few minutes before her darling Aoshi-sama would be covered in sticky red goo. At first, her mind was blank, but then… Suddenly…
Aoshi-sama appeared, dressed in strange, western clothing. He had an odd hat on his head, and he was… riding on a strange, white thing. The white thing was cylindrical, and had a string on the end, that was tied up and held in Aoshi's hands.
Cowboy Aoshi, away! Hi-ho silver! It only took Misao a moment to recognize what this…thing, was. It was one of those lampon things that Kaoru had written about in her letter. It had to be!
She shook her head, deciding that… well, maybe for now, just dying of embarrassment would be better. Even if she lived through this, she'd never be able to look Aoshi-sama in the eyes again without picturing him riding "personal" things like horses.
Aoshi's eyes shifted back and forth. Whoever had lost or thrown out that key would be toast once he got a grip on their neck. Or necks- could be more than one person. Not only was he at risk of being bled on by poor little Misao, he was also at risk of going insane. His thoughts just wouldn't stay in one place!
At least the funky 70's porn music and paramecia had stopped playing in his mind, only to be replaced by 80's porn music and a weird yellow circle with a big smile on its face. Whatever it was, it was creepy. Somewhere, deep down, he was somehow grateful he'd never actually see the thing in real life.
He vaguely wondered how his teacups were doing without him. Were they still alive? If anybody had even harmed one little…uh, part of one of them, he'd wring their necks and turn them into chicken feed. He would never be able to live without his friends.
Or without Misao, either, but if she bled all over him, he'd be too afraid of embarrassing her to talk to her for a long while. Probably for forever, if not longer. He would end up like one of those old hermits, probably like Hiko, but without the alcohol. He'd be an angry old man, stewing for years about how his butt had gotten bloody, and how he'd been too embarrassed about possibly embarrassing the one person who talked to him on a regular basis to talk to her. Wait- was that even a complete thought? He wasn't sure.
He could feel Misao shift uncomfortably behind him, pretty much swearing under her breath. And he knew, then. HE WAS DOOMED.
"Key, key, key, key" Kaoru muttered to herself as she practically ran back to the Aoiya. Having a baby inside her stomach made running a little…different, but thankfully, not too bad. She wasn't far enough along.
Plus, the upside to a baby? No period!
No explaining to Kenshin that she wasn't pregnant.
She sighed, as blissfully as she could while running, and wished for about half-a-second that she could stay pregnant forever. But she immediately cut that thought off, as she realized that Kenshin didn't have a fetish with pregnant women, even though Okina probably did. Ugh, what a horrid thought.
She'd rather rag it for two weeks straight. Yep.
Now that she had those neat 'lampons' of Megumi's, she could go forever without worrying about any…mishaps.
She picked up her pace and tried desperately to make it back to Misao before anything bad happened. Not that it wasn't bad enough that they were tied together, or that Misao had bad cramps and heavy bleeding. She would have to make it a point to mention to Misao (in Aoshi's presence, of course), that if she were pregnant, she wouldn't have to deal with things like that. And besides, heavy bleeding usually meant that you were very fertile, practically ensuring a pregnancy.
Though she wasn't sure she could handle Aoshi's Glare-of-Ice should she say such a thing.
Yahiko sulked in a corner of the Aoiya, surrounded by various vegetables and many knives. What he wouldn't give to use one of those knives for stabbing, threatening, or even outright killing.
He was here to relax, not to work!
But he sighed to himself and thought of some good revenge tactics. First, if Misao hadn't been locked in her room, she'd be working instead of him. Hmm… She'd probably locked herself in there; maybe even barricaded the door with a heavy desk or something.
Or maybe he was just pissed off cause he was chopping vegetables rather than actually eating. Or just slacking off. Anything was better than working. ANYTHING.
Suddenly, a loud noise made him glance up. The shoji to the kitchen shuddered as someone struggled to pull it open. Whoever it was appeared drunk.
…It was Okina.
"Are you drunk, Okina-san?" Yahiko heard Kenshin ask.
"Drunk?" the old man practically slobbered. "Drunk? I am drunk! Drunk on LOVE!" He cackled in an almost insane voice. "Some o' them hotties out there had bodies so beautiful…" he sighed, "I could have lost myself in them for days!"
"Oro!" Kenshin nearly shouted, shaking his head to clear his thoughts. Chibi Battousai was cackling madly, toting his party horn around, and shoving a beautiful pink sparkly pointed hat on the Chibi Rurouni. Music was cued, and the Chibi Battousai started to do some strange sort of dance…
Kenshin tried to tune out the strains of Heyyy Macarena!, but to no avail. Maybe it wasn't a dance after all. Maybe it was some sort of ritual. Or…something.
Suddenly, the music changed, and voices were talking in his head. Chibi Battousai kicked the Chibi Rurouni to the far corner of the world just as Chibi Kaoru walked in. He could hear the strains of the new song, and struggled to understand the words.
It doesn't matter,
what you wear
Cause it's only gonna be
You and me there.
I'm having a party
A party for two
Nobody but you
You'll be sexy in your socks…
Kenshin glared at himself. Which was hard, because…it was impossible for everyone but the most elite. What a ridiculous song. The Chibi Battousai looked down at his socked feet and grinned, waggling his eyebrows.
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Kenshin mentally screamed. What about my feet? Aren't they sexy too?
He gave a dejected sigh and pried Okina off of the floor. No more brain parties for him.
"Misaooo!" Kaoru called from outside the shoji. "Are you still in there?"
"No," Misao said loudly, pretending to be astonished. "Obviously I'm not here! I escaped all by myself using my awesome ninja abilities- OF COURSE I'M STILL HERE!"
Kaoru giggled and put the key in the lock and turned it. "Isn't this great? Aren't you glad we found the key?" She waggled her eyebrows up and down at the sight in the room. "Whoa, you two have quite the setup here. Not really the position I'd have picked, but…"
"Kaoru! Shut up and help me!"
Kaoru ambled her way over to her friend and cut them loose before helping Misao up. "Now, why don't I help you into…something more comfortable."
Aoshi looked around nervously before decided he should escape before something else happened. Who knew if blood could shoot out of her like a canon… He really didn't want to find out.
He would have to do a lot of meditating, he decided, as he heard odd music in his head. Chibi Aoshi and Chibi Misao were dancing along to it. It was…disturbing, to say the least. He shuddered in horror as he made his way out the door.
You can know it,
You can hold it,
You know it's there,
Here there and everywhere…
A few minutes later, Misao burst into tears.
"Kaorruuu!" she whined, burying her face in her hands. "I was this close! THIS CLOSE to bleeding all over him!" She turned tear-filled eyes to her friend, and shook her head. "I think he knew, too. He couldn't wait to get out of here!"
"Oh, don't be silly," Kaoru said, trying to convince her that she was wrong. "His head's as thick as a concrete block. No way would he know. He probably had to use the bathroom or something… And hey! Who knows? Maybe he was about to explode all over you!"
"T…that's not funny!" Misao shouted, her face red.
Aoshi sneezed from the outhouse, and flipped the page of the book he was reading.
A/N: Okay, that's all for now. Sorry about the length, I know it's short. It could be another year before I update, and I'm apologizing in advance for that. I hope somebody thought this was funny, because I didn't even really crack a smile while writing it. Meh.
-Aoshi's getup in the beginning- Cowboy Aoshi, riding a tampon
-Weird yellow smiley- the WalMart Smiley
-Songs used were: "The Macerena", "Party for Two", and "The Electric Slide". I have the second two if you want to hear them.