That Umbrella in the Water

Summary: What if, instead of rescuing the boy in the water, Elizabeth saved the umbrella? Bloody parody.

Disclaimers: I own Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. Yes, yes I do. And I own the Walt Disney Company too. I bought them off EBay.

Tipsy the Vanilla Coke Can: LIAR!

Warnings: Don't read unless you have a slightly twisted sense of humor. Or better yet, go ahead and read even if you don't have a slightly twisted sense of humor. That'll be fun to watch.

~~ Chapter One ~~

A miniature Elizabeth Swann was standing by the railing of some ship, singing in a sickeningly sweet falsetto voice about incredibly rotten dairy products for no given reason. This continued for a few verses until evil Mr. Gibbs felt the need to spoil Elizabeth's fun (and save the audience from growing bored), so he told her quite rudely to shut up or he'd throw her overboard. Future-Commodore Norrington then appeared and said that if Mr. Gibbs threw Elizabeth overboard he would be quite put out, seeing how he planned on marrying her once she grew old enough that people wouldn't give them suspicious glances on the street. It was about that time that Governor Swann told the whole lot of them to go away because his poor, unadulterated daughter wasn't allowed to hear of people being thrown overboard. Elizabeth informed her father that she found the subject quite fascinating.

Eventually, the three men left to tend to other things and Elizabeth was about to return to her high-pitched singing until she just so happened to look down at the water. She smiled as an unconscious boy on spare driftwood floated by, but then noticed something out of the ordinary. She gasped.

"An umbrella! There's an umbrella in the water!"

"Umbrella overboard!" yelled the evil Mr. Gibbs.

"Haul it aboard," Future-Commodore Norrington said. After the umbrella was somehow brought up to the deck, he announced to the concerned crew, "It's still breathing."

Floating on top of a piece of wreckage, the now conscious boy cried, "Hey!! My umbrella!" and promptly passed out again.

"Elizabeth, stay with the umbrella," the governor told his daughter, who scurried over to where the umbrella had been laid down.

She reached out to stroke the umbrella, when it suddenly snapped shut on her hand. A shiny gold coin thingy popped out of the umbrella. Elizabeth caught it and gasped. "You're a... pirate umbrella!" she said incredulously.

"Has anything popped out of it?" Norrington asked.

"Er... ," said Elizabeth, completely inconspicuously hiding the pirate medallion behind her back, provoking absolutely no suspicion from the future-commodore.

"I shall take your uneasy silence as a 'no', then," Norrington said, oblivious. "Take it below."

~~ End of Dream ~~

Elizabeth Swann, now either in her late teens or early twenties, woke up and stuff happened. The governor was told he had a visitor so he left Elizabeth suffocating in her corset.

Meanwhile, in the entrance hall, the umbrella was lying in the middle of the floor. There was a narrow, black box next to it. Gov. Swann entered.

"Ah, Umbrella, good to see you again." When the umbrella didn't answer, he bent down and picked up the box. "Oh, I see you have my order. I also see that the blade is folded steel and all that other crap that I shouldn't be able to see from just looking at the sword. Very impressive. Give your master my compliments."

Elizabeth descended the stairwell.

"Ah, Elizabeth, you look stunning," said the governor. He had been paid to say that to make Elizabeth look good in front of the umbrella.

Elizabeth humbly ignored her endorsed father's compliment and approached the umbrella on the ground. "I had a dream about you last night, Umbrella."

Silence.

"About the day we met, remember?"

More silence.

"How many times must I ask you to call me Elizabeth?"

When the umbrella again didn't speak, Elizabeth became huffy. "Good day, Mr. Umbrella." She and the governor left. The umbrella remained where it was on the floor.

~~ Yay! It's Jack's Scene ~~

Jack's wonderful scene happened.

~~ The Commodore Becomes a Commodore ~~

The Commodore became a Commodore.

~~ The Commodore--- aw shit. Let's just say that Elizabeth dove off the cliff to get away from Commodore Norrington, who is a stuck-out pompous arse, but much to her disappointment was rescued from drowning and finally being rid of the idiot commodore by none other than the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow. The incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow then made an amazingly hot getaway and hid in the blacksmith shop where it just so happens that the umbrella worked. The incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow freed himself from the handcuffs (which is a dreadful waste of a really spiffy pair of handcuffs, if I do say so myself), and then the umbrella entered.

Well, to say that the umbrella entered wouldn't be entirely all that true. It just so happened that in one shot, the umbrella wasn't lying in the middle of the floor, and in the next, it was.

Anyway, the umbrella (who is, by no means, hotter than Captain Jack Sparrow) was staying perfectly still but Captain Jack Sparrow felt his beautiful hat (who gives good advice) was being threatened and felt the need to smack the umbrella with the un-sharp side of his sword.

"You seem somewhat familiar," Captain Jack Sparrow said to the umbrella. "Have I threatened you before?"

No response.

"Ah, well, then it would be a shame to put a black mark on your record. So, if you'll excuse me--- "

The incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow moved towards the door, but tripped over the umbrella and fell on his incredibly hot arse (hehe, I'm not even British but damn is that a fun word to type!!).

"Do you think this wise, umbrella? Crossing paths with an incredibly hot pirate?"

Silence.

"Only a little," said Captain Jack Sparrow as if in response to something the umbrella had said.

Then the two found themselves in quite a one-sided wrestling match. The incredibly hot (but not too bright) Captain Jack Sparrow was throwing Umbrella around the blacksmith shop as if trying to prove that he, the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow, could beat up on inanimate objects like but not including umbrellas.

Eventually Captain Jack Sparrow dumped a sack of red dust all over the umbrella and pointed a gun at it. "Pirate," he said for reasons unknown.

"Move aside," the incredibly hot captain continued. Pause. "Please move." More pausing. "This shot was not meant for you." He then got (GASP) hit over the head and taken away by Commodore Norrington and thrown in the gallows.

~~ To Elizabeth's Bedchambers!! Away!! ~~

"It's been a difficult day for you, I'm sure," said the nosy maid to Elizabeth, putting a fire-breathing dragon under her covers to keep her warm.

Elizabeth rambled and the maid was about to fall asleep right then and there had she not suddenly said, "But that Umbrella, it's a fine umbrella, too."

"Are you proposing that Commodore Norrington is an umbrella?" Elizabeth asked, mildly angry.

"Begging your pardon, ma'am, the authoress couldn't find any other way to phrase the sentence. It wasn't my place." The maid left the bedchambers.

~~ Then Stuff Happened, Like the Black Pearl Coming ~~

We see the umbrella lying in the middle of Port Royal while pirates pillage, plunder, and rifle the loot.

~~ And Then They Took Elizabeth ~~

"You have a name, missy?" Barbossa asked Elizabeth on board the Black Pearl.

"Elizabeth... Umbrella," Elizabeth lied.

"Miss Umbrella... " Barbossa emphasized to the crew.

"Parasol... " muttered one of the pirates under his breath.

Stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff...

"Welcome aboard the Black Pearl, Miss Umbrella!"

~~ Back at Port Royal!!!! ~~

The umbrella is shown lying in the same spot it was last night during the attack.

The scene then switches to Norrington and some others looking at a map. A machete is buried in the map and the view changes to that of the umbrella, motionless on the table.

"Mr. Umbrella, you are not a military man, you are not a sailor. You are an umbrella. Blah, blah, blah," said Norrington.

~~ To the Gallows We Go!! ~~

The umbrella suddenly appeared in front of the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow's cell.

"Aye?" said Jack, lifting his head.

Silence.

"I've heard of it."

More silence.

"Where does it make berth? Blah, blah, blah?"

Stuff, stuff, stuff, stuffy-stuff...

Cut to sudden image of Captain Jack Sparrow with the umbrella in his hand merrily skipping to the Interceptor, singing, "We're off to save the bonny lass, the love of that umbrella's life, because, because, because, becaaaaaaaaause!!!"

After a lot of being the best damn pirate and having the best damn first mate, Captain Jack Sparrow and the umbrella managed to commandeer the Interceptor.

"Are we to open fire on our own ship, sir?" some unimportant guy asked the commodore.

"I would rather see it at the bottom of the sea than in the hands of an umbrella," replied the commodore poetically.

~~ End of Chapter One ~~

Will the Umbrella and the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow bond and become sorta-kinda-but-not-really-friends?

Will our two heroes reach Elizabeth in time?

Does anyone really want them too?

Who wants me to kick Commodore Norrington in the arse?

(Arse... Teehee!!!)

Stay tuned for the next chapter, which I'll write when I'm inspired!

(Or when I've just drunk Vanilla Coke, EITHER WAY!)

Ta!