Please excuse the cheesy title. This is my version of succumbing to writing a Christmas fanfic. Note: severe lack of mushiness, and some violence thrown in just for fun. "Grauss" by the way, apparently does mean 'fun', or 'cool'. I was told this by my cousin's sneering eight year old neighbor. Obviously she didn't teach me how to spell the word…
Yes, I've restricted this one as well. This story is pretty much designed to traumatize small children.
Twas the night before christmas and all through the house
The x-men were having a rave that was 'grauss'…
Note the past tense: x-men *were* partying. That is, until an intruder managed to set off the complex alarm system of the mansion.
Music off, lights on, combat positions everybody.
"Oh, this is just grauss," Jubilee complained.
"What's 'grauss' mean?" Scott asked, idly.
"It means *fun*… loser," she explained. "Oh, and I was being sarcastic, too." She rolled her eyes.
The professor managed to locate the intruders, using his telepathic powers as well as the 'not-to-be-sneezed-at' surveillance system: there was a large team on the roof of the mansion, attempting to infiltrate the building through the deceptively easy chimney-ways. Xavier announced this to his x-men, who promptly scoffed.
"Ve vill vait at ze bottom of ze chimney, zen," suggested Kurt, whose accent was obviously exaggerated by his drunkenness at this point.
"Yeah! That's a great idea!" applauded Jubilee, who promptly squatted dangerously close to the nearest fireplace which, being Christmas and all, was filled with-you guessed it-fire.
Wolverine pulled her away from the flames, as Hank (the genius) pointed out the obvious.
"We're in a mansion. There are more fireplaces than there are x-men."
"But ze students could help us," Kurt suggested. Hank sighed-nobody here understood just quite what it was like to be a genius.
"This is an *attack* fanfic, NightCrawler. Students are *never* mentioned in attack fanfics."
"Oh, I forgot," Kurt hid in the corner of the ceiling.
"Enough talk!" snapped the professor. "We must stop these intruders from spoiling our Christmas rave. Any suggestions on how?"
"Let's attack them!" Logan sat on the couch with his legs crossed. He had finished buffing his admantium claws, and was ready for action.
"Yes, let's!" agreed everyone. With an ear-shattering war cry, the entire team raced, by any means possible, to the roof. Some took stairs, some phased through the ceilings of the many levels of the mansion, some even ran outside and flew to the roof.
Some possibly took the elevator…
The x-men regrouped on the roof, and turned to face the elite attacking force. A large man, obviously the leader, laughed maniacally whilst menacing a large sack, possibly filled with guns. However, the x-men were more intimidated by the fat man's henchmen. He had somehow cloned twelve identical mutants, all with horns, and sharp hooves.
"Watch out," Hank pointed out, "that one looks rabid." He pointed at the largest, fiercest of all the henchmen, whose nose seemed to glow red against the dark sky.
"I think he's kinda cute," Scott argued. "Reminds me of me."
The rabid clone snorted suddenly, and the x-men leapt to meet his challenge. Wolverine became engaged in a claw-to-antler battle with Dancer while NightCrawler chased Blitzen around the mansion roof. Gambit uselessly fired deck after deck of cards and Prancer's uncatchable hooves, and the professor locked minds with Donna. Cupid attempted to distract the melee using his own special, match-making mutation; that is, until Hank crushed his skull with a mallet. Too late: Rogue and the leader of the formidable gang seemed eternally lip-locked, until she sapped the life out of his old bones.
With the rest of the x-men engaged in battle with the intruders, Scott was left alone to face off against the rabid clone. Rudolph snorted, drooled, and pawed at the ground, before Scott simply lifted his visor.
"Sorry to have to do this to you, but-look, we match!"
With the threat suppressed, and a number of tasty carcasses left over for next Thursday's roast, the x-men utilized their own various ways of returning to the main room.
Lights off, music on, dancing positions everybody.
But before the loud music drowned out all sound from the mansion, Jubilee was heard to whisper:
"I saw Roguey kissing Santa Claus."
Get it right. Happy YULETIDE, people.