|Pain For You
Author: Strawberry L PM
Sirius is having a rough time dealing with Remus's monthly demons. Warnings: selfmutilation, swearing, utter lack of happiness, slash SBRLRated: Fiction M - English - Angst - Sirius B. & Remus L. - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,861 - Reviews: 15 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 11-04-03 - Published: 08-24-03 - Status: Complete - id: 1491359
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Pain for You - part 2
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and all related material. You know who does. Love them.
Note: I must say, originally I planned this as a one-shot. Apparently, my reviewers didn't seem to think it was over, so this is for everyone who encouraged me to write a second part. Thanks for your support!
Key: Remus's conscious thoughts
Sirius's subconscious thoughts [like the wolf, only not a wolf. maybe a split mind]
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Deeper. Longer. Wider. Faster.
Sirius is that you?
Cut. Slice. Erase. Deeper. Pain.
Stop it! Why are you doing this? Stop hurting yourself! Sirius!
Blood. Crimson. Sticky. Red. Blood.
Remus Lupin sat curled in his bed at the far end of the hospital wing, tears pouring down his pale face. Every part of his body still throbbed in pain from the previous night, and now from the added emotional pain of what he could feel Sirius doing to himself such a short distance away. Damning every deity he could think of for rendering him so helpless, Remus could only lay and sob, his ears working overtime in hope of hearing anyone coming into the infirmary wing.
It seemed hours before he heard James's desperate shouts and heavy footfalls enter through the sturdy doors. He seemed well composed for the situation Remus knew he must be in. It was a small weight off of the young werewolf's shoulders to know that help was on it's way to his mate. To tired to move or even cry himself to sleep, Remus felt himself slip into unconsciousness, the last thoughts floating through his mind.
Is this what the beginning of death feels like?
* * *
Remus had dreamt of blood. The blood of himself in the shrieking shack, and the blood of Sirius in the bathroom. Upon his return to the conscious world he could hear soft voices from the other end of the infirmary. It seemed an hour that was simply 'to early to be awake' to Remus. He had always hated that about his transformations, how they threw his off his normal sleep schedule so that it took him at least a week to feel even the slightest bit normal again. And he always suffered for this, from the lack of sleep and energy afterwards.
His head still pounded, his memories blurred by the physical pain of his body and the emotional turmoil of his heart. It took Remus longer than necessary to recognize that the voices floating towards him were those of Sirius and James. They were talking quietly, obviously trying to let him get his rest. Even in his incapacitated state, there was one snippet of conversation that made it's way to his ears.
"Sirius, he loves you. Please tell me you know he loves you." James whispered.
Of course I love Sirius, the idiot that he is.
Remus smiled the slightest bit, as he always did in thinking of the raven-haired boy, but his smile faltered.
Does Sirius doubt that I love him?
It was a dreading thought, to think that Sirius didn't realize how much he was loved by Remus, or worse that he didn't believe the boy. It was a hard thought to hold onto, as sleep overtook him once again.
* * *
When Remus woke again, it was close to twilight. He could feel the pull of the almost full moon, as it threatened to rise above the horizon line.
Remus had to talk to his boyfriend, and could only hope he was still being held in the infirmary wing. Mustering his strength, Remus sat up and peered around the large ward. Nearly directly across from him were a bundle of blankets on a bed that could only be Sirius. No one else in history burrowed that deep under the blankets without making a mess of the bed linens. The puppy seemed sound asleep and happy off in his world of perfect dreams. As much as Remus loathed disturbing him, he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep again until he did.
Not that I need the sleep...
Slowly, with pain shooting up nearly every limb of his body, Remus managed to half walk half crawl to his lover's bedside. Lowering himself into James' empty chair Remus took the opportunity to openly stare at the boy laid out peacefully before him. His hair had arranged itself everywhere across the stark white pillow, some bits falling across Sirius's neck and face. As beautiful as it was, Remus found it to be an obstruction of his view and reached out a tentative hand to brush it away from the other boy's eyes. With his eyes closed he looked almost peaceful, almost content. However the pain of the last days must have taken their toll, etching the pain into his sleeping form.
The deathly pale skin, paler than normal, reminded Remus of why he was there. Why his seemingly strong and perfect boyfriend had been reduced to this. No matter how Remus looked at the situation he felt it was his fault. His pain had driven Sirius to this, his scars, and his tears. Never once had Sirius opened up to him the way he so often did for the other boy. And with James off chasing the ethereal Lily Evans there had been no one to listen to Sirius's pain. So he hid it within himself and it festered until this. Remus didn't need to ask why anymore, he knew.
Remus knew what James would say if he told him his feelings. He would tell him, calmly, not to blame himself. He didn't hold the razor to Sirius's wrist, he didn't tell him to take the action, to hurt himself. James didn't understand this was beyond the physical boundaries; these were the emotions of the situation. Remus vowed never to let Sirius do this to himself again. Next time, god pray it never came, he would listen. He wouldn't be the one to cry no matter how much it hurt.
The tears came then, as he took Sirius's pale hand in his own. He noticed its chill and remembered how warm those hands used to be. He didn't even need to see the bandages to know what was under them; he could picture the long vicious cuts simply by looking at his own arm. And so the tears fell, softly, silently onto the raven-haired boy's hand.
Remus sat there for hours, not able to bring himself to wake the other boy. Now was his time to cry before he had to be strong. Curled up on the hard chair, with Sirius's hand between his own, Remus closed his eyes. He didn't see Sirius watching him through heavily groggy eyelids for a time, or when Madame Pomfrey entered. But he was quickly reprimanded by her and returned to him own bed to rest. He was asleep before his head hit the pillow.
* * *
A jolt of fear and adrenaline woke him a short while later.
Blood. Salt. Pain.
He was doing it again, Remus could feel his arms bleeding with the pain Sirius was feeling physically and emotionally.
Etch. Carve. Memories? Forget! Crimson.
Remus sat up faster than lighting, and literally threw himself out of the bed. Doubled over in pain and worry he flew through the dimly lit corridors trying to search his mind to find exactly where Sirius had run off to.
Deeper. Longer. Wider.
Stumbling up the stairs Remus could see his time running short. His own breath was beginning to come in short sharp gasps, his vision cloudy and uncertain. He could feel Sirius's life slipping away, feel him dying.
Blood. Sense. Iron. Pools. Red.
The wolf seemed to awaken in Remus as the hot pain washed through him again. His senses felt heightened and now he could only smell blood. But no matter how far he ran the scent never seemed to get closer... it was further and further and...
Sirius!!! STOP IT!!!
Blood. Blood. Blood.
No! Don't go, you can't leave me! Don't go Sirius!
The scent of blood hit Remus like a brick wall as he turned into the corridor that contained the portrait to the Prefect's bathroom. Ever the one for drama Sirius was.