author: Lucinda

for teen and older readers - may contain strong language, violence, and mention of torture/medical experimentation.

main characters: Logan, Angel

number seven in the 'Drink & Be Merry' series.

disclaimer: I do not own any characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer or X-Men, comics or movies.

distribution: with the first five parts

notes: a different path after Angel's soul was restored, involving someone that Angelus once thought would make a wonderful addition to the family...

Logan hoped that he wasn't making a big mistake. He'd discussed the Hudsons with Angel, and they'd kicked around various ideas and possibilities. What the Hudsons were saying was tempting, and if things went the way they said they should, he'd have the chance to rediscover ordinary life, maybe remember or relearn who he'd been. To find out what he knew. Things could be good.

Of course, they'd also discussed the chances that things could be terrible. That the appealing idea of a program to help special people learn to use their abilities concealed a darker idea of using the special people, of testing them, of learning how to do what they could do and maybe discarding them later. Of the sort of ugly painful things that had been done to him, things that he couldn't recall that had sent him into howling madness in the snow, things that the ghosts of their memory could wake him in a cold sweat, stinking of fear and remembered pain. In which case, he almost felt like he owed it to everyone who hadn't suffered and even more to everyone else who had to kill everyone involved. To carve them into pieces with the gleaming metal knives that had been put into his hands.

They even had a rough plan. For now, he'd talk to the Hudsons, tell them that he was interested. Tell them that he'd go with them for this program.

Angel would follow, without the Hudsons knowing. He'd see if things were really going the way they were supposed to go. He'd be there to help if they went badly, not that either of them wanted something awful to happen.

Neither of them would tell the Hudsons anything about Angel and his abilities, and especially not his limitations. For some reason, he wanted to describe it as 'need to know' or 'operational security', and regardless of the words, they didn't need to know. The distrustful part of his mind already insisted that they knew too much.

Logan reminded himself that they’d worked out the plan very carefully. It should be flexible enough to adapt to whatever happened. He was still nervous as he stepped into the clearing that held the cabin the Hudsons were staying inside. The plan was one thing, but acting on it, risking the return of the pain and confusion that had left him the shell of a man that Angel had found… Logan tried not to growl as he told himself to hide the nervousness just the same as he would hide fear. He could do this. He would do this. His hand didn’t shake as he reached over, knocking on the wooden door.

“Just a moment, give me a moment…” Heather’s voice carried easily through the door, and the scent of coffee slipped around the edges of the door, along with the scents of James and Heather Hudson.

“Logan,” Heather smiled at him, her eyes sparkling. “Did you have some more questions? Or maybe it was just the coffee luring you out of the woods this afternoon.”

“I wouldn’t mind some coffee,” Logan offered, not quite sure if he even liked the drink. It smelled good, and he’d almost certainly been around coffee before. “I wanted to talk a bit more about the program you mentioned. About the training and what would be asked of me. If the fact that I can’t remember a damn thing about my past will make a difference.”

Heather poured him a mug of coffee, passing it over to him with a murmured, “I have some sugar, but no cream. I hope that’s okay.”

Logan took a sip, considering the way the drink seemed to bite back. It didn’t taste the way it smelled, but he found the taste pleasant. “S’good the way it is.”

“You were thinking about the program,” Heather murmured, her eyes flickering to him before returning to her own cup of coffee. “I’m not as involved in it as James, but it shouldn’t make that much of a difference about your memories. It might make the paperwork a bit messier, but I’m sure there will be other people who won’t be using the name they were born with. Or maybe people who never went through the normal channels, not the hospitals or the schools…”

“You did say you were looking for different people,” Logan sipped at the coffee.

“Yes. I suppose some of them would be different enough to have never gone out into the world the way the rest of us have. There might be other considerations as well, things that we’ll probably get blindsided with the first time we find someone who needs them. Part of the learning curve for a new program, I suppose,” she sighed and took another sip of her coffee. “You’ll join?”

For a moment, Logan wanted to drop the mug, to abandon the plan and return to the woods. To forget about finding answers, finding his past – it probably wasn’t that great anyhow. There was no reason those words should have caused that surge of irrational panic to flow through him. He stayed in the chair, and took a slow sip of the coffee, fighting to keep the panic hidden, to keep the metal blades hidden within his flesh. “Yeah. Maybe I’ll even find some answers. Things that seem familiar, maybe even records of who I used to be.”

“Not who you are?” Heather’s brows lowered as she asked the question, confusion softening the words.

“I can’t remember who I used to be. Not where or when I was born, not if I had a wife, a family. I must have had parents, if you go back far enough, but I don’t know if they’re alive or dead, don’t know what names they had to start looking. I can’t remember what I did, where I lived,” Logan fell silent, remembering the few pieces of information that Angel had known. How little those scraps had seemed in comparison to the vast painful blanks where his memories should have been. “I’m someone else now.”

“Maybe we just need to help you become someone better that you used to be,” Heather offered.

Her words made him feel cold, as cold as the deepest winter snows, and Logan wasn’t certain why. Maybe there was something very important in those missing memories, maybe it was a coincidence… But he was very glad that he’d have Angel following, looking to make certain he didn’t vanish again. The mug of coffee didn’t feel so hot and welcoming anymore, now it seemed as bitter as betrayal and rage. He hoped that he hadn’t walked into a trap.

Heather Hudson outlined how they would go from here, when they would return to their base and give their findings to other scientists and when he would go with them to the Project H offices and base. Her green eyes sparkled, and her red hair seemed warm, inviting. She looked like she was a pretty, enthused woman who wanted to make the world a better place. The flickering fantasies that he’d had about her naked body, counting for freckles under her clothing made perfect sense.

The cold sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach didn’t. Maybe he was just being paranoid. Maybe he was worried about nothing. Maybe it was just empty nerves that would wear down and seem silly a year from now. The sort of thing that he’d laugh about over a bottle of whiskey, shared among friends.

But for today, Logan was having second and third thoughts about agreeing to this program.

End D&BM7: Walking Into Things.