THE PRIME EVILS

VS.

THE TEENY BABIES

By B.H. Miles (Labrian)

Opening scene: Baal and Mephisto return to hell after terrorizing a Wal- Mart. Diablo is just finishing making a deal with Sadam Houssein.

Diablo: Alright, Sadam, you can have the group of crazy terrorists.

Sadam: Excellent! See you Monday on poker night?

Diablo: You can bet your damned soul I'll be there!

Baal (rushing in the chaos sanctuary): Dude! Check out what low prices Wal- Mart has!

Diablo: I thought you were supposed to kill everyone and burn it down!

Mephisto: Ya, but before that Baal bought a bunch of little dolls.

Baal (after sending a fireball at Mephisto): They're not dolls! They're teeny babies!

Diablo: Babies? What the hell?

Mephisto: That's what I said!

Baal: Look! I even got Mr. Bananas!

Sadam: Mr. Bananas? I'll trade you for Governor Pony!

Baal: No way, Houssein, ponies are for girls!

Mephisto: And so are dolls!

Baal (releasing another fireball): TEENY BABIES!

Diablo: Alright, shut up! Sadam, go home!

Sadam: Sorry. Baal, call me about that monkey!

Baal: What-ever. Later that night, Diablo awoke to find Mr. Bananas and Senator Butterfly on the ground.

Diablo: Stupid dolls.

Bananas: Teeny Babies!

Diablo: WHAT? Who said that? Baal, are you still up? You know junk food will give you tummy aches!

Bananas: Oh, Baal's gone to sleep. It's just you and us, !

Diablo: What the- (throws them away) BACK YOU STUPID DOLLS! (releases chain lightning on them)

Butterfly: That won't hurt us, lord of terror!

Diablo (releasing a girlish scream): Baal! Mephisto! Help!

Mephisto (entering the sanctuary): Ah great, not another nightmare about Richard Simmons dating Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Diablo: No! It's worse! And for the record, her name is Sarah!

Mephisto: Whatever! Hey, why are you playing with Baal's toys? Ah, you like them, don't you?

Diablo: NO! They're evil!

Mephisto: So are you.

Diablo: What? That's not the point! They talked!

The teeny babies lay motionless.

Mephisto: Okay, someone played a little too much of that Diablo game. Jeez, they name a game after him and HE's afraid of dolls.

Bananas: Teeny Babies!

Mephisto: Baal, go back to bed!

Baal: What?

Mephisto: I said go back to bed!

Baal: I am in bed!

Mephisto: Then stay in there!

Baal: I AM!

Mephisto: .go take over Harrogath again!

Baal: You mean Canada?

Mephisto: Whatever! Just go to bed! And, mister Lord of Terror, no more video games for you!

Diablo: Maybe you're right.