Title: Closer to myself

Author: Nepeace

Email: nepeace

Fandom: Crime Scene Investigation

Ratings: PG-13

Summary: Was this all a game or is there more to it then you first thought …

Author's note: Tell me what you think …cause I love feedback

Disclaimer:

This story is based on my imagination and interpretations and is in no way related to CBS, CSI, Jerry Bruckheimer, Jorja Fox or Marg Helgenberger. I have

only borrowed the characters from this great tv show … so please don't sue, it'll probably hurt you more then me because I have nothing to loose and you

can't take my imagination.

This is a songfic, I used the song ´Closer to myself´ by Kendall Payne … I don't own any rights here

Digging deep, I feel my conscience burn. I need to know who and what I am

You know what I'm good at, building walls. Walls that surround me and protect me from the world outside. And it hurts that no one sees through these walls, no one knows what goes on in my mind. No one notice how sad, angry or even happy I am. They just see me as this workaholic, not knowing that I could actually use that arm around me. Someone who cares for me, tells me that it's alright, someone who sees the real me. But before that person can reach me they first have to bring down the walls. Cause I can't, I'm trying so hard for years to break down the walls to open up to people. And especially to open up to certain people, the one I love. Will I ever be able to tell that person that she owns my heart?

This hunger jolts me from complacency. Rocks me, makes me meet myself Jacob walked a limp to remind him.

I'm not able to tell her what I feel, then how can I ask of anyone else to understand me. When I don't even understand it myself. I only know what I feel and I know that it feels like love, it feels like something that I never knew before. My heart twirls when I see her but I never seem to find the right words. I love gazing at her because that is probably the only thing that I will ever do.

Of the greater gift of the greater one. But when I fell, I fell to my own resources How can I carry the truth if I can't even crawl to you?

I fell, I fell so deep last time I showed my vulnerability. I can't do it again not without someone there to catch me. Would she be the one to be there for me or am I supposed to do it alone again. I can only hope that I manage, and then I can show her who I really am.

I wanna feel something sweeter than this sin. Cover me in leaves roll me over again.

I have been suppressing these feelings way to long and I can't do that forever. I have to make a choice and I choose my own happiness, which means that I will break down these walls and stand for the things that I believe.

I've been everybody else now I want to be. Something closer to myself Paint me in a different light.

I have tried to be like others, I really have but it didn't work. It's just not who I am and I accept that now. I'm revealing who I really am bit by bit, cause I wanna be closer to myself, closer to the real me that's hiding behind the walls. I don't want to lie or make up excuses, or hide my feelings anymore. Just take me the way that I am or leave me alone.

Shed me yet another coat of skin. Mark me with ash until I'm clean again. 'Cause I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I'm sick of being me, why can't I be more like her open, helpful and proud of what I did in my life. Proud on the things that I have achieved without doubting and worrying about the way that I did it. Why can't I just stand up to her and tell her that I love her. Why does being gay automatically mean that your different, and need to be punished. Why do I punish myself?

I know I can love you, I know that I can ...