A TRAGEDY OF EROS
by Phil D. Hernández

GENRES: Xena: Warrior Princess, drama. VIOLENCE: None. SEX: None. LANGUAGE: Nothing stronger than “damn.” RATING: G. SUBTEXT: None. Xena and Gabrielle are totally heterosexual. SPOILERS: “A Comedy of Eros.” NOTICE TO JOXERPHOBES: Xena approved of Joxer's love for Gabrielle. Are you going to contradict her? Ha-HA!

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
Xena Warrior Princess
Gabrielle the Bard of Poteidaia, Xena's best friend
Joxer the Mighty, would-be hero

This story occurs immediately after the broadcast episode “A Comedy of Eros.”

Even after two years of traveling with her partner Gabrielle, it was difficult for Xena, the Warrior Princess, to deal with the emotional problems of others. She had shut her own emotions off for so long that she had nearly failed to respond even to Gabrielle's affection. Although Xena did not like to admit the fact, her many skills had not included comforting other people in distress until she had met Hercules – and Gabrielle was giving her a daily object lesson in love and compassion. The up side was that the greater good felt right, and that feeling soothed Xena's troubles from time to time.
This, however, was the down side. Near the campfire her friend Joxer sat, slumped over as though exhausted. Gabrielle was on the other side of the fire, having chuckled herself to sleep over a private joke. Xena cocked an ear toward the sound of the bard's breathing, but she detected nothing amiss, and certainly none of the forced rhythm that would mean that Gabrielle was only pretending to sleep.
Joxer, on the other hand, had been crying. He had carefully shielded his face from Gabrielle and kept silent, but Xena had already seen the look in his brown eyes as tears filled them, and noticed the occasional catch of breath that was a disguised sniffle.
The cause of Joxer's sorrow was also the cause of Gabrielle's mirth. Earlier that day, Cupid's mischievous little boy had been amusing himself by shooting his father's arrows at all and sundry. Gabrielle had been struck (as had Xena), and the first person the bard saw immediately afterwards was Joxer – with predictable results. Joxer, who was never a target, needed no arrow to fall in love with Gabrielle.
Unfortunately for him, when the spell was removed from Gabrielle, Joxer's love remained, unknown to the bard. Thinking that the love spell had affected Joxer, too, and now was ended, she not only thought the idea of the two of them becoming a couple was ridiculous, but shared with Joxer what she considered a joke.
All of which posed a pretty problem for Xena. Joxer couldn't say much after that, and Xena didn't dare tell Gabrielle the truth because the Warrior Princess did not want to hurt either of her friends.
Gabrielle makes me talks things out, even though I hate talking. Am I going to have to listen to Joxer?
Xena, knowing that this was exactly what she had to do, sighed heavily. The Warrior Princess was a woman of action, but the only action she could think of at the moment was for Joxer to wake Gabrielle and kiss her. As this would result in numerous bruises at best and a broken nose at worst, the risk to Joxer's body – never mind his ego – was too great.
Rifling through her gear, Xena found a cloth. She got up, walked over to Joxer and sat down next to him.
“Hi, Xena,” he said, his voice dull and lifeless.
“Hi, yourself,” she replied, handing him the cloth. “Wipe your eyes and blow your nose.”
He complied. Though the sound was very loud, Gabrielle did not stir.
“It's okay for you to feel sorry for yourself this time,” Xena continued. “Wanna talk about it?”
Joxer shook his head and put a finger to his lips. “Gabby could wake up,” he explained.
“If she wasn't blasted out of the sack when you blew your nose, she'll be out until morning.”
The would-be warrior remained unconvinced and uncommunicative.
“Look, do I have to put the pinch on you?” the exasperated Warrior Princess demanded.
“Why not?” Joxer suggested. “In thirty seconds it'll be all over and you can tell Gabrielle that I died in my sleep.”
Xena slapped Joxer's face, hard.
“OW! What did you do that for?” he cried, holding a hand to his stinging cheek.
“Time for feeling sorry for yourself just ran out. Joxer, it's not the end of the world just because Gabrielle doesn't love you. Besides, I know damn well you had a crush on me. Why the sudden change?”
Although Joxer fell silent again, this time it was to marshal his thoughts and choose the right words. It was oddly reminiscent of Gabrielle, so Xena did not disturb him. When he did begin to speak, his voice was low but clear.
“I thought I finally got it right. I mean, I figured you'd never be interested in me. You're not my type.”
“Joxer…”
“Sorry. I'm not your type. But Gabby…well, we were starting to become friends, uh, don't you think so, Xena?”
Gracing Joxer with the hint of a smile, she nodded. “I think so. Go on.”
He swallowed hard. “Some girls…they like the stories I tell…they think I'm a real warrior…”
“Joxer, as far as I'm concerned you're a real warrior. You're right; some girls like that sort of thing.”
“Yeah,” he drawled. “But you know me, Xena…and Gabby does, too…” Tears started to form again, and he wiped his eyes once more.
“I get it,” Xena said. “You thought you had impressed Gabrielle for who you were, not who you weren't. And since Gabrielle isn't your average woman…”
“Right. I took a good look at her, Xena, and boy, am I stupid.” He held up a hand to forestall Xena's reply. “I mean, Gabby's smart, she's pretty, she's great with her stick and I like listening to her. What's not to love? All this time I've known you guys, and it was like I was seeing Gabrielle for the very first time. Hey, she's not perfect –” he rubbed his nose for emphasis “– but she's worth loving.”
Xena's smile brightened, and her blue eyes twinkled like the stars overhead. “She is, all right. But aren't you in love with her only because you thought she was in love with you?”
“I don't know,” he admitted. “All I know is that I still love Gabby and…she doesn't love me.”
The Warrior Princess put a comforting arm around Joxer's shoulder. “She wasn't in love with you before, so you haven't lost anything,” Xena told him.
“What about my heart?”
“Granted. Look, if it's any consolation, Cupid thought you were under the spell, too, so don't blame Gabrielle. She was laughing with you, not at you. That means she considers you her friend. If she knew that you really do love her, she wouldn't have been so honest with you.”
“Don't tell, her, please?” Joxer pleaded.
“If Gabrielle needs to know, I'll tell her. Otherwise, you have my word: I won't discuss this with Gabrielle until you tell her yourself, or she figures it out first. Okay?”
“Okay.” They clasped hands on it.
“Now stop beating yourself up. You still have a chance to show Gabrielle who you are inside. She might not be ready for a boyfriend yet – it's too soon since Perdicas died – but if you think you can win her heart, I won't stop you. I want her to be happy. So don't you dare hurt her.”
“Or you'll hurt me.”
“For starters. On the other hand, if you behave yourself, I won't let Gabrielle hurt you either. Don't worry about the little hurts, Joxer. You two can deal with those. I'm talking about the big hurt – but after today, I doubt that any of us will have to worry about that, either. You treated her right.”
Joxer relaxed slightly. “Thanks. For everything.”
“You're welcome. Since you're so keyed up, you can take the first watch.”
“You mean that?” The would-be warrior was stunned. Xena had not trusted him to keep watch before.
“I mean that. Don't be eager, just keep your eyes and ears open.” She pointed to the top of a nearby tree. “When the moon is right over that spot, wake Gabrielle for her turn. She'll complain, but tell her I said to split the rest of the night in half and get me up then. Okay?”
“Okay!”
Xena stood, letting her hand linger on Joxer's shoulder for a moment, then went over to her bedroll and laid down to sleep.
“Goodnight, Xena.”
“Goodnight.”

Over the next hours, Joxer pondered Xena's words. His spirits grew lighter as he realized that the Warrior Princess had no problem with his love for Gabrielle. Xena would protect her, of course, but then again so would he if he could – and Xena hadn't tried to discourage him, which she usually did when he let his ego get out of hand. She had even rewarded him for taking it slow with Gabrielle.
Startled by the passage of a small animal through the brush, he settled down to watchfulness again. He thought about how sweet it had been to hold Gabrielle in his arms, to kiss her…his eyes fell on her, peacefully asleep. The fire crackled a little, and from time to time he had to add a couple of dry branches and poke the ashes to stir them. He eventually sat next to the sleeping bard, imagining what it would be like if she truly loved him. Joxer even dared to lean over and breathe in Gabrielle's scent, which he found rather pleasant.
Unknown to the would-be hero, Xena had awakened and was watching him with one eye open. When she saw him straighten and resume paying attention to his surroundings instead of doing something silly like stroking Gabrielle's long, strawberry blonde locks, the Warrior Princess closed her eye again and rolled over.
I knew I could trust him. Now I'm sure.

Waking Gabrielle proved to be as difficult as Xena had warned. When the bard didn't respond to Joxer's voice, he tried touching her bare arm. This provoked an immediate reaction. Withdrawing her arm, Gabrielle balled the opposite hand into a fist and struck out. Luckily for Joxer, she missed, though he fell over trying to avoid the blow.
“Joxer! What in Tartarus…” She sat up, fully alert. “Is Xena all right?”
“Never better. She told me to wake you up for your watch.”
“But you don't…Xena…” Gabrielle growled.
“What? She asked me to take a watch, then she'd split the rest of the time with you,” Joxer said proudly.
Gabrielle looked at him with a mixture of disgust and astonishment in her green eyes.
“I wish Xena would tell me about these little surprises before she tries them out,” the bard finally said.
Joxer drew a long face. “You're mad at me about yesterday, aren't you?” he asked.
For a fleeting moment, Gabrielle thought that maybe Joxer hadn't been struck by one of Cupid's arrows, that his love had been for real. Then she dismissed the notion. He hadn't done anything wrong, she knew; a couple of dumb things, perhaps, but Joxer was always doing dumb things.
Gabrielle smiled at him, one of those particularly happy smiles that made her crinkle her nose and squint slightly. “No, I'm not mad at you. We had fun yesterday.”
“Yeah,” he said, still sounding low but accepting his friend's peace offer. “You didn't mind that I…uh…uh…kissed…” He faltered to a dead stop.
“I liked your kisses, Joxer. You know,” she suggested, growing expansive, “someday you're going to meet a nice girl and make her very happy.”
I've already met her. Now all I have to do is convince Gabby…yeah, right.
“What about you?” he asked. “I mean, you were pretty…uh…pretty sweet.”
The bard was quiet for a few seconds. “I didn't think I could ever love again. Not like that, anyway. It's good to know I was wrong.” Her face lit up with mirth, making Joxer's heart sink. “Wouldn't it be funny if the two of us did fall in love? I could just picture it now…you looking at me hopelessly like a lovely spaniel and me melting like snow in the moonlight…and both of us staring at the lights of some ship reflected in the water below it…” Gabrielle laughed again. “That's not for us, Joxer. We're wanderers, with no time for lovers. Besides, Xena would be the odd one out.”
“Not me?” Joxer asked, covering his sorrow. Luckily, Gabrielle wasn't looking directly at him, but at Xena.
“Oh, you're an odd one, all right,” the bard replied. “But I think I saw some of the real Joxer yesterday. Even if we're incompatible, your girl's out there.”
“Yeah,” he replied. “A mighty warrior like me can have his pick.” Only I can't. I want you, Gabby. “I'd better get some sleep, Gabrielle.”
“Okay, Joxer. Goodnight.”

He would not cry. He could not cry; otherwise, Gabrielle would learn the truth. He did his best to compose his mind and rest; he knew that she was being friendly, which was itself almost a novelty.
One screw-up, and I lose it all. I won't screw up.
A cheering thought came to him. If it were certain that he would fail, Xena would have steered him in a different direction. She was going to give him a chance, and it looked like Gabrielle would, too. That, at least, was more than he usually got.
He did not cry.

THE END

Disclaimer:
Joxer's heart was not broken during the writing of this story. Several Joxerphobes became disgusted and left the room, however.

Reference:
Private Lives (Noel Coward).

COPYRIGHT NOTICE:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer and all other characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No infringements of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is © 2001 by Philip D. Hernández and is his sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.

Comments:
Unless your sole purpose is to bash Joxer, Ted Raimi or Gabrielle-Joxer romance, your comments would be greatly appreciated. You can e-mail the author at .

Additional stories:
More stories can be found on the author's website, The Subtlety of Pickett's Charge, at .