Answer to Charlene's challenge issued with A Bat A Cat and Lost Arrow to
continue on with days in the life of the Titans on their 'switch week.'
As always, standard disclaimers apply.
Wally's Wacky Web Log
So, we're supposed to do some kind of book report or something saying what
we learned, and sometimes I forget things kind of quickly, so I'm going to
write down everything as it happens so that everyone can see.
Mr. Queen showed me around the place. It's a nifty outfit. Roy has Super
Mario Brothers Three, which was awesome. They have a gym right next to Mr.
Queen's bedroom with like weights and a treadmill and stuff. The treadmill
is worthless, but Mr. Queen promised to teach me all about weight lifting,
and stuff tonight. He says your body has to be strong to have precise
control. This was a really cool idea that Superman had. He's the best,
really. I get to hang out in this awesome bachelor pad, guzzling down
Zesti's and eating Twinkies with Mr. Queen. My only regret is that I can't
be Robbie. That little turd got to spend the week with Wonder Woman. She
makes me feel giggly inside.
I came down off the Twinkie sugar rush and ate all the frozen pizzas and
two loafs of white bread. I also scoured the kitchen and found honey
mustard and fifteen packets of ketchup. I'm not too proud to admit that I
have consumed them all. Some lady came to the door to get Mr. Queen to open
a pickle jar for her. I don't think she was wearing any pants. That must be
some pickle emergency! Mr. Queen must have seen me looking at the pickles
with hunger in my eyes, because he offered to help the lady, if she'd just
step into his gym. It must be one heck of a pickle jar, too. I hear them
struggling something fierce.
Maybe they'll give me a pickle when they get it open. I hope it's koscher.
I don't like dill so much, but anything in a pinch.
I wonder if Mr. Queen needs me to call in the Justice League or something.
That pickle jar is sure giving them a tough time. One time when I was with
the Titans, Roy found this cookie jar in a junk heap, and when we opened
it, there was a demon inside. It COULD be like that. But every time I ask,
he tells me to go away, he has everything under control. I found a few
Cheetos under the sofa. I'm wasting away. I started playing Mario Bro. 3 to
try and distract me. But the stupid people move so slow. I need some carbs,
man. I need them so bad.
I knocked on the door and asked if he needed help again, and he snapped at
me pretty good. It wasn't because I really care if he's eaten by the pickle
jar or anything, journal. I'm just very concerned for our current food
situation. There're no more Cheetos in the sofa, and the soy sauce I found
next to the TV is gone.
I hope that stupid pickle jar kills Ollie. Then I can call Barry to come
pick me up. And then, when Ollie's dead, Batman will laugh. I betcha he
Superman. this was the worst idea in the world. Barry, you were always like
a father to me. I never got to say that I love you. I want mom to have my
Flash ring. I hope it'll help her find the courage to leave that farm, and
the person that keeps her there. Aunt Iris. I'm going to miss your cookies
most of all. You've been a pal.
I've been staring at the dots on the ceiling tile, noticing how I'm not
I've learned that you can actually stop your body at super-speed. It took
me four hours to figure out how to halt my metabolism, and my resting heart
rate is fifteen beats per minute. Robbie's not full of shit after all.
My new resting heart rate is seven beats per minute. Ollie said to keep up
the good work, and tomorrow he'd buy me a pizza.
Day four got lost somewhere. Ollie set down a stack of pizzas and said it
was my reward for a job well-done. At least that's what I've been told. I
remember a blur out of the corner of my eye, and the smell of something
cheesy, but it took me like a whole day to figure out how to stop being
slow. You think at super-slowness too. When I could finally think at a
normal speed, the pizzas were there, but they were all cold and stuff. Roy
said once that you can eat a pizza that's been out for two weeks and not
get sick, so I ate them anyways. At normal speed. I'm not sure if Barry
would be proud or not. I was just too hungry, and too tired to speed up. It
was a little weird. Ollie asked if I wanted fresh, but I was too hungry to
wait. Ollie's a pal and a good teacher and stuff, despite the fact that
he's a child neglecter and a bunch of other bad things.
Ollie took me to a bar. I'm not sure that's really. legal. He said it's
just not legal to sit at the "bar" part of the bar, if you're a minor.
Whatever. I'm not sure he's supposed to be drinking, either, but he says
that it's all part of his "cover" and we're there to get information or
something, but I'm pretty sure that said information was just the phone
number of the lady who came over with the pickle jar and not wearing any
pants. I think that's illegal too, not wearing pants.
I'm going home today, and I'm kind of glad. I think the pizza made me sick.
Roy's a dirty rotten liar. I told Ollie that it was Sunday, and therefore
we had to go to church because Barry always took me to church, and it was
important to go every Sunday and get some God and stuff. He opened his
mouth, and there was something mean twinkling in his eyes, but then he
closed it again. I took out the piece of paper I tore out of the phone book
that had service times for Grace Methodist church on Weinstein and Swiss
Avenues, in the cultural district. Barry said I had to listen to Ollie the
whole week, but I wasn't going to take any 'guff' on this. Ollie had to
come with me. I told him Barry thought it was really important to get God
every week, to make sure you had a good week ahead. Ollie muttered
something about superstitious losers, but grabbed his jacket and told me to
get in the car. I had to smile to myself. Barry was always upright and good
and stuff, but sometimes he liked to nettle Ollie, and I had to agree. It
was the best feeling in the world. Barry said I had to listen to Ollie all
week. And I did. For six days. But the seventh day belonged to the Kid