Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or Evanescence. You know the rest of the drill…wanna pass it on, keep my name on it.
Author's notes: Just wanted to say that this version of Imaginary isn't off the Fallen CD, but it's pretty darn close. This one is from Origin…it just works better for this fic. Also, it takes place after the series and well before Endless Waltz…a better time reference would be before even Blind Target.
Warnings: angst, yaoi implications, mild language

Night and Day

*by JeiC

Again visions of violent battle, blood, fire and death fill my mind. No surprises there - for me this is quiet the regular occurrence. Some of it I'm used to and some of it still makes me want to crawl out of my skin.
Guess which door I got tonight…

Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights

Having woken thanks to someone's late night exercise of their vocal chords, I can't decide whether to be annoyed for having been pull from my unconscious state or thankful that I'm away from that nightmare. Realizing how coarse and dry my throat is, I come to the painful conclusion that the one screaming was myself.
Wonderful…now I'm letting everyone else know exactly how screwed up my head is. Kind of surprised I haven't been shot for my late night disruption…or at least painfully woken up and then had the shit beat out of me. However, out of the corner of my eye, I can make out my roommate glaring at me. Go on and say something, buddy - I dare ya.
Flopping back down onto my bed, I try to control my breathing as I had been taught when training for the soul staining job of being a terrorist. Granted my soul had already been stained and damned from probably the day I was born let alone what I had managed to do in all the years between.
I laugh at the random thought that flitters through my mind - Heaven isn't going to want me and Hell will probably be afraid that I'll take over.
Now getting back onto trying to get some sleep…hopefully dreamless 'cause thank-you-very-much, but I've had my fill of horrid nightmares for the evening.

Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of imaginary light

Yeah, can't say in my dreams 'cause it isn't there either. It's been over two hours and I'm no closer to my goal than when I had woken from the last set. To pass the time, I rotate between tossing and turning, watching my peacefully slumbering roommate, and staring at the ceiling. It's a lovely ceiling, really - just look at all the pretty bumps…okay, and here I note I really need some sleep and change my focus to my partner.
"Duo, go to sleep."
My previously sleeping partner that is. Maybe Fei taught him that meditation/suspended animation thing. Darn, I'll have to get him to teach me that - then maybe I could spend less time on this sleep thing which is highly overrated.
Think happy un-war-like thoughts.

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me

No use trying to sleep now - the images, tough a few hours old, are still too fresh in my mind. Somehow managing to roll out of bed without displacing the covers too badly, I'm again confronted by my roommate.
Okay, not exactly since he's just staring at me and about two seconds from following me if I don't give him an answer.
Hissing at him through clenched teeth, I demand to know what his problem is. Ooh…got his glare to lessen by a millionth of a degree - I feel special.
I think I just spent ten whole minutes staring him down. Fine, buddy, if you don't feel like answering me then I'll be on my way and you can go back to your probably bland and boring dream-world.

I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming
Monsters calling my name

"Get back to bed."
Well, fuck. Here I was thinking I was free and clear and he stops me with my hand on the doorknob. His arrogance amuses me most of the time, but not tonight, "Who the hell do you think you are to order me around like that? I need to go to the damn bathroom for your information, and I'm sure as hell not going to hold it until morning." And exit, stage left…er, the door is actually in front of me, but it's the idea that counts.
Those ever so shocking blue eyes that belong to one Heero Yuy follow me as I make my way to my stated destination, my mind happily supplies the image since the real deal isn't here. Well, at least I can snub it a little since I didn't actually lie about needing to go to the bathroom - just happen to be coincidence that I did. He doesn't need to know what I see in all my dreams…though it is bad enough that he knows about some. Granted, turnabout being fair play, I know about some of his as well.
After relieving myself, I find that I really don't want to go back to my room and wander around the huge estate. Well, it's really big to me, but it's one of Q's houses. I mean it was really nice of the guy to offer us a place to stay for awhile to chill out and think about what we wanted to do, but sometimes I wish his family didn't own such big places. Heh, and he called this one small…said something about picking it because he knew I wasn't comfortable in large, fancy buildings, but it was still big enough to give each of us as much privacy as we needed. I don't know…I just find it amusing that Ro offered to pair up with me to share and room and Trowa and Quatre also room together, but I'll admit that I'm grateful. I could have had my own room, but there's something comforting in knowing that my partner has my back.
Partner who was getting a little too concerned for his own good, but anyway…
Yeah, so maybe I like the guy as more than a friend, but according to the Catholic religion that I was sort of brought up with, feelings like that are wrong. Screw that idea - I'm going straight to hell anyway so what would one more crime be added to my list. Besides, as far as I know, you can't help loving who you do.
I just have no intention of accidentally pushing him away because I don't think I could handle it.

Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops
As they're falling tell a story

Startled slightly out of my thoughts, I find that my travels have brought me to the doorway of a small balcony. Almost as if it's inviting me to come out and keep it company on this comfortable summer night. Well, it is too late to go back to bed and too early to be up and about so why the hell not. I wouldn't be able to get anymore sleep tonight even if I wanted to. Eventually I know I'll have to, but maybe the light of day will chase all my shadows away for awhile…this is of course provided that Q or anyone else hasn't any ideas of things to do for the day.
Having wandered directly up to the railing, I peer down over the edge. While seeing if I can fly without the aide of Deathscythe might amuse me, I'm not going to take the chance that my eternal sleep will be one massive nightmare.
"You going to jump?"
Heero…well, guess he couldn't sleep either. Right now, I can't turn to face him - I might lose whatever balance I've managed to get back. "Nah, nice thought, but I think that might send Quatre over the edge again - you know how close we are to him. Besides, I don't think you can kill a bringer of death."
I should be annoyed that he followed me, but at the same time, I won't forsake the company. Ro knows me too well - he knows I didn't lie, but he knows I didn't tell him everything either. Funny how this works.
"Hn. Shinigami."
Silence settles between us as I contemplate his usage of the Japanese version of my nickname. Never once in either language has he ever called me by that name and his tone of voice was that of a remark - neither negative nor positive. Well, yeah, Heero seems to always be like that, but I like to think I know him well enough to pick out some emotion.
Resting my head on my arms so I can continue looking out at the pre-dawn covered area, I make myself as comfortable as I can against the railing. Thoughts of silly little mundane things flow into my head - such as that anime Q found somewhere with the silver-white haired dog-boy. I still think wearing red like that makes him a better target than anything - no wonder that first priestess managed to get him pinned so easily.[1]

If you need to leave the world you live in
Lay your head down and stay awhile
Though you may not remember dreaming
Something waits for you to breathe again

"Doesn't suit you."
"Huh?" is my intelligent answer. Sorry, Ro, started to doze off there. Damn, and I wanted to boycott this sleeping thing.
"Your nickname…it doesn't suit you."
I blink at him a few times while I try to process what he's saying and come up with that he hasn't given me an explanation yet for his opinion. "Care to elaborate?"
He stares at me like it should be obvious before opening his mouth, "You're life. You brought all of us together to work as a team at the end of the war - your optimistic outlook on life kept the rest of us going and sane. To everyone you meet, you not only have a smile for them, but make them smile…you make me smile."
Uh…okay. I don't even want to start to think about what he may or may not be implying with his last comment. "Look, Ro, people die just because I exist never mind those whose lives I took with my own hands."
Shaking his head slightly, he changes the topic to even more unstable ground, "You having nightmares about the church again?"
The only reason he knows about that is because another episode of nightmares that locked me in so tightly, he nearly shook me out of bed to wake me up. I trusted him enough then to tell him, so maybe I should trust him enough now…but it hurts so badly. "Something different - seems pretty dull when you compare it to that…"
"Only you can put weight on your memories." A piercing gaze from Heero forces me to look away or risk drowning in the endless blue. Whoever said this guy was emotionless has never looked him in the eye.
Well, gee buddy, if you put it that way. "They both mean the same to me. People died because I existed in their lives." Getting that look from him, I know I better continue or fear for my braid. "Ever heard of the L2 Plague…well, a rendition of it that was out around oh say seven to ten years ago?"
"One of the worst cases of the epidemic from my understanding."
I'm tempted to ask him if he's up on L2 history because even I didn't know that. "Anyway, half the gang was dying from it - including Solo. There was a vaccine that could make 'em healthy again so I stole it 'cause ya know the Alliance doesn't give out things like that to street rats. Better to let us die like that they would always joke. I got the vaccine and gave it to 'em, and they survived. Solo didn't. Solo was like a big brother to me. I was there when he died - I was remembering that."
I nearly jumped out of my skin when Heero put his arms around me. A hug from the perfect soldier…now this has got to be a dream, but I don't care because I need this - I need him. For some reason, I feel at least temporarily absolved of my pain.
"You forced me to let go of my past, now you need to do the same."
I know, Ro, I really do, but buddy, I've been bearing this cross for longer than I wore one around my neck. I simply nod at him and then we both retire back to our room for the remainder of the night. His hand catches mine as I step towards my messy bed.
"I'll watch your back if you'll watch mine." The simple phrase leads me towards his bed where we'll chase off each other's nightmares and tuck ourselves into the safety of our own little dream worlds where the memories can be held at bay.

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me

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[1] Yes, this is a direct reference to Inu-Yasha. The whole fire-rat outfit suits him, but against the forest background, he kinda sticks out in my opinion.

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Fin
September 2003
*by JeiC

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