A/N: Thanks to all of you for all the reviews. Happy Valentine's Day to you
and Virtual Harry kisses to all you!
I can't do a personal response to each of you today because my A/N is so
long but since this is the last chapter for quite awhile I will email you
answers to questions you may have. If you want an answer be sure you have a
valid email address.
So for the sequel: The majority speaks and I have to say I know I would
have gone that way also. Lucius will just cast a spell (and yes Snape will
be the one to break it), it will lead to Draco becoming a bit of a wild
child for a chapter or two as he tries to deal with what he thinks has
happened. For all of you who actually wanted Voldemort to do it, I'm sorry
I just can't do it to Draco and definitely not to Harry but I encourage
(and dare you) all or any of you to write your own chapter (if you want to
use the basis of this story and take it from there you are welcome too).
For those of you who think Draco will just be a victim again, do not worry,
Draco will so something very brave and self sacrificing which (despite what
he thinks was done to him) will eventually help him gain a sense of self as
someone other than a Malfoy and of course bring him closer to Snape as he
realizes that love has no restrictions and they share something dark.
Harry will be tortured by Voldemort and receive a serious injury as a
result, which is a set back for him on one hand yet will eventually prove
to be a gift on the other. He will for a short time be forced to rely on
others for help. He will recover from this injury but it will take a number
of chapters and a period of adjustment. When he does however he will be
much stronger and confident.
There will be lots of angst for Snape (and of course Minerva, Albus and
Remus) when both boys disappear and then return in serious condition. One
physically, one emotionally.
And for those of you who guessed correctly, YES it's feisty, clumsy, wild
TONKS I've been thinking off for Snape, he's far too controlled and serious
and Tonks will no doubt aggravate him to no end, just think of the fun (in
between all the usual angst of course) she will have with him as she slowly
wears him down.
This story will continue likely in April, although with summer coming it
will be at a much slower pace than this was earlier on. Updates every two
weeks or so. Thanks so much for reading!
Chapter 65 – moving forward
Snape sat behind his desk when Harry knocked and entered. He greeted Snape
He would rather not have had an occlumency lesson today. He had dreamt
about Sirius last night and had felt angry and depressed all day. He ran
his hand through his already mussed up hair and sat down at the desk across
Snape's eyes narrowed at him suspiciously as he quickly dropped his gaze to
stare at the desk.
"Out with it Potter!" Snape grumbled then softened his tone. "Something is
obviously bothering you."
Harry didn't want to talk about this again with Snape. He knew Snape
hadn't cared for Sirius and wouldn't understand that he couldn't seem to
let him go. "Let's just get into the occlumency lesson." Harry glared at
"No, Harry" Was Snape's reply. "We've made that mistake everytime and it
hasn't gotten us far. You need to tell me what's bothering you."
Irritation rose in Harry. "You know what's bothering me! Sirius death,
Cedric's death, my parent's death, the prophecy! My destiny!' Al the usual
stuff. Talking about it doesn't help, I'm all talked out." Harry shouted at
him in frustration his eyes flashing, his face becoming flushed in anger.
"Did you have a nightmare, is this what is causing your outburst?" Snape
asked calmly but pertinently.
He took a deep breath feeling furious that Snape would keep badgering him.
He stayed quiet. He heard the chair creak as Snape got up and came over to
"I thought we had reached a point where we could at least carry on a civil
A grain of guilt entered Harry's conscience as he remembered Snape's
occlumency memories yesterday.
"Sirius." He replied in a voice barely above a whisper. He glanced up at
him for a moment.
"I see. Am I to understand the pain of his death has not started to fade a
bit?" Snape asked. The anguish in Harry's eyes made the breath catch in his
throat for a moment.
Harry stared at his hands again then murmured. "Sometimes I feel fine and
then other times I...." He stopped for a minute to take a breath. "I still
miss him so much." He paused again. "I keep thinking with this war I will
lose more people I care about and I don't think I could stand losing anyone
Snape grew thoughtful. In his short life, Harry had never been loved in any
way he could remember and he had never loved or felt close to anyone.
Finding his godfather who loved and cared for him was like finding a
lifeline and for him to lose that lifeline in the way that he did obviously
had lasting ramifications.
Snape sighed deeply and responded. "You know in order to move forward you
are going to have to start to slowly let him go. Let his spirit fly free
Harry, don't let the pain consume you."
Harry couldn't believe Snape was talking about flying spirits. It was
something he expected from Trelawny but certainly not Snape. Still he
listed to his words. Then in a steely voice said. "I know you think it's
self pity and maybe it is but don't want to let him go. I don't want to
stop thinking about him or remembering him." He stopped to take a shaky
inhale of breath. Loki sensing his distress jumped up on his lap. He stated
petting him and bent down to bury his face in the cat's soft fur.
"Harry, do you really believe if you stop thinking about him that you'll
just forget him? We both know he meant more to you than that. I'm not
saying you should stop remembering him, but when you do think of the happy
times you shared not what happened at the end. By focusing on the end you
are only focusing on the pain."
Harry finally lifted his face, his eyes sparking bright. Snape swallowed
heavily. "I want you to think about something for me. I want you to think
about the dark lord and everything he has done. Aren't you angry at him? He
single handedly killed your parents, he tried to kill you a number of
times, he ordered Cedric killed, Padma and Colin, and one of his death
eaters killed Black and almost all of your friends. If I were you I'd be
furious. Channel that anger Harry. Don't bottle it up, let it build inside
of you and release it when we do occlumency." He had stood up half way
through his words and beckoned for Harry to rise also. He pointed his wand
shouted "Legilimens" as Harry's eyes flashed with fire.
As the spell hit him, Harry saw Voldemorts inhuman red eyes glowing
triumphantly, he forced all the power of hatred he felt at the force trying
to invade his mind while keeping all the love for those he held dear close
inside. Suddenly the pain in his head left and he gasped for air and
blinked feeling slightly dizzy. When his vision cleared he stared
dumbfounded at Snape who shakily rose gasping to his feet after having
being thrown across the room by the force that exuded from Harry.
"Well done Potter." He sat down in a chair breathlessly. "That was
excellent progress. How are you feeling?"
Harry's mouth felt dry, his body felt numb all over. Being able to do
occlumency, he realized, left one feeling empty and strange. He felt
emotionless now as if somehow his mind had been erased.
"Excellent, I was hoping you would say that. I always knew this was inside
you somewhere. Not many who can do Occlumency can take it to that step. It
is one thing to be able to keep others from getting into your head but it
is another to make it go blank enough that you can insert whatever it is
you want the other person to believe. Empty is exactly how you should be
feeling. Now is the time to concentrate on something you would like me to
see, if I were to perform legilimens on you. Something not real. Let's give
it a try."
Harry tried to think of something just before Snape cast the spell. The
only thing he could think of that wasn't real at that moment was Sirius
being alive, Sirius having a conversation with him, Sirius supporting him.
Snape ended the spell, his dark eyes wide with disbelief. "That was
remarkably well done. If I didn't know better I would think Black was still
alive. You can be proud of yourself you have truly mastered occlumency.
Much to Snape's dismay, Harry flinched, his head dropped and his hands came
up to cover his face.
Snape's praise hazily registered in his mind when suddenly an overwhelming
pressure consumed him, his eyes burned, his throat closed and it exploded
in a rush of tears. His hands came up to cover his face as he stood there
trying with all his might to suppress the raw gnawing ache that was
He could feel Snape's hand on his shoulder but he tore away, stumbling
backwards until he hit the wall. He stood there trembling desperately
trying to get his overwhelming and unexpected emotions under control.
"Potter. . . Harry try and take some deep breaths. You're OK, you just need
to breathe." Snape said to him softly. He didn't know what had caused Harry
to be so upset but he was worried that Harry would hyperventilate.
With a groan Harry sank to the floor. He suddenly felt very tired as he
crossed his arms and took some deep gulping breaths of air.
Snape sat down across from him his eyes wide and worried. "What just
Harry took a raspy deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut tightly.
"You should be proud of yourself, many grown wizards have never been able
to master occlumency."
A ragged breath from Harry was his only answer.
Snape reached out again tentatively and put his hand on Harry's head
stroking the messy black hair. "Tell me what's wrong."
Harry just looked up at him with resentful eyes before dropping his head in
his hands again.
"Talk to me." Snape tried again.
"Leave me alone please." Came Harry's quiet soggy voice.
"I will once you tell me what happened." Snape insisted quietly.
Harry refused to respond, his heart literally ached.
"Is this about Sirius?" Snape probed.
Harry took another deep ragged breath and after another minute he quietly
explained. "I should have learned this last year. If I had Sirius wouldn't
Snape exhaled loudly. "You don't know that. The dark lord would likely have
come up with something else and the result might have been the same."
Harry leapt to his feet "But it wasn't and he's dead!"
Snape stood up also his dark eyes piercing Harrys. "Yes he is dead and you
need to accept it and move forward."
The pained look that crossed Harry's face made Snape's gut clench.
He stepped closer forcing Harry into his arms. The black haired teen stood
there limply as if the reality of the words had sucked all the energy out
"You can't blame yourself forever, anymore than you can change what
happened. Conquering occlumency is quite an achievement; I was excited to
see it happen, I failed to think how it would make you feel in relation to
last year's events. But Harry you know how proud Black is of you, as are
the rest of us."
Harry trembled slightly. He stepped back out of Snape's embrace, wiping his
face. "Do you think he knows?"
Snape nodded, his dark eyes intent.
Harry sighed finally looking up. "Sorry about all this."
"I understand. I wish it hadn't been so painful for you. The grieving
process Harry doesn't disappear in a week, month or even a year, those you
study it say it takes three years for the full healing and acceptance to
take place. I know you are deeply worried about the prophecy and I know
you will forever be affected by the circumstances of your parent's deaths
and the events surrounding Cedrics death. But Harry the more time I spend
with you the more I start to believe that perhaps you do have a chance at
defeating the dark lord."
Harry shook his head. He hated hearing that everyone believed in him so
much when all he could think about was losing everyone through his actions.
"How exactly am I supposed to defeat him? Can you tell me that? Everyone
thinks I can do it but no-one will tell me how!" Anger entered his voice
"You know I can't tell you that because I don't know. But the force that
can defeat him I believe is somewhere inside of you. I know this is a huge
burden but you will one day be free of it. You need to prepare yourself for
this fight by following your deepest instinctual drive. That will keep you
alive and hopefully those you care about also."
Harry visibly calmed and grew quiet for a few moments. He then looked up at
Snape, his eyes serious. "Do you have to keep on being a death eater?"
Snape looked puzzled, thrown by the sudden question. "Yes I do, why are you
Ignoring his question, Harry continued. "Why do have to keep doing it?"
Snape grew uncomfortable under Harry's stare. He looked away. "Because it
is my contribution to the light and it is my atonement for things I have
"I don't want you to die." Harry explained quietly.
Snape looked back into the earnest eyes. "I don't want you to die either.
So I guess Potter we both better stay alive." He responded gruffly.
Harry nodded looking at Snape worriedly.
"Follow your instincts Harry, don't let anything or anyone sway you."
Harry studied the dark eyes that looked at him with a caring warmth and
smiled softly, the pain in his heart starting to ease a little bit.
Snape saw the soft smile on Harry's face. He was amazed at what he was
feeling. He actually felt proud of Harry. After despising him all these
years, he found himself caring deeply about him and wanting to do whatever
he needed to in order to keep him healthy, physically and emotionally. He
was glad Dumbledore had persuaded him to teach him again. If he hadn't he
would never have had this opportunity to end up caring for the green eyed
teen. Lily's son. Lily would have been so proud. Proud of both of them.
The thought brought a rare smile to Snape's lips as he looked at Harry.
"I'm proud of you Potter, and I'm glad I was the one who taught you
occlumency. Now go and have some fun with your friends, classes start
Harry smiled wryly as he headed to the door. Just before he exited he
turned and softly said. "I'm glad you did too."
The End (for now until April, when this will be continued either here or as
a sequel). I may do little one shots as I experiment at Hermione's