Do you, readers, think I'm a depressed person? Why does everyone think I'm suicidal? I demand to know. WHY do I scream "guys, look at me and save me" if I'm not screaming "guys, look at me and date me"? I give up. I can't do anything right, can I…? Ugh.

Kiki, I think you've been rubbing off on me, that's all. Besides, I've had a lack of inspiration. Writing a bad Rogue fic helped and look at me now! It must be exam stress.

Everyone else- Angst? ANGST? Oh, this isn't angst. Kitty angst is Meredith territory. I'll pass. We're talking SHIVA. Me, I'm just toying with their minds.

DISCLAIMER: Standing before the court in an alimony hearing,the man cried out. "As God as my judge, I do not owe that woman money!" The judge calmly replied: "He isn't, I am, you do."

I've been looking for Kurt all afternoon. I've barely seen him since yesterday morning. Drama club, English study sessions for Kurt, a huge argument I had with Amanda today… oi, that was bad.

I can't even remember what it was about, hey? I think I asked her whether she was going out with Kurt again. She got overly ticked and tried to kill me, if you know what I mean.

I don't see why she's so cut up about it. I mean, they broke up like, a month ago. And all I was asking was whether they got back together. She went ballistic. Something about being patronising.

I am not patronising. Especially not on this topic. I'm in no situation to BE patronising.

Then it grew into an argument like we used to have. Full on bitching at each other about everything we could find. Can't believe I called her an elephant. She's the perfect weight, and I call her an elephant. I am such an idiot. If she goes anorexic now, it'll be all my fault.

I'm a cow, aren't I?

It's days like this that I need to talk to Kurt. He always makes me feel better, while never lying that I shouldn't have done something or whatever.

I gotta admit though, I've kinda been avoiding him.

I really like him. But… he likes someone else, and I missed my chance… it's killing me. I hate this.

Ugh! To hell with it! I want to talk to him, so I'm going to! To heck with what I feel about him, he's still my friend, and I'm not gonna lose that because of some stupid crush that won't last the winter.

Even if I can't look at him without hating him.

He's lying under a tree, still trying to read that book. He hasn't got his holo on, but he is wearing the clothes that the professor gave him to go with it. I never really understood the colour scheme, but hey… He smiles at me from behind his book, but just keeps reading.

I collapse down beside him, facing toward the pool and the institute, away from him. If I don't look at him, I won't want to ravage him. It's all good. "I'm sorry."

"Hmm?"

I shrug. "I got into a fight with Amanda again today. About you. I wanted to apologise."

He laughs. "Ja, I heard about that. Apparently she bit your head off. You okay?"

"Me? Yeah, I'm fine. I was just worried that you might be angry at me." I glance back at him for a second. God, he looks so nice today. He's just smiling, his eyes half closed, watching me lazily. I turn around, which I know is stupid, but his tail was playing with my pony tail, and I am not in the mood. "You always used to get angry at me."

"Meh. I think I can forgive you. Amanda was telling me about it in Geometry." He smiles. Ugh, I wish he'd stop that. "She thought you knew what she knew, and thought you were rubbing her face in it… It's all very complicated and girl-angst. I decided not to bother trying to understand."

Huh? "What she knew? What does she know that I don't?"

"That I'm not in love with her. I'm in love with someone else.

What? Okay, that was random. He just said it so deadpan, like he was talking about the leaves or something.

"Oh. See, when you told me, the other morning? I thought you were talking about her!" And now I know he wasn't. Don't I feel brilliant and perceptive today? "So… I just wanted to know if you'd told her you loved her yet. You did say you were going to. You haven't changed your mind already, have you?"

Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say-

"What? Of course I haven't."

Ouch.

"So have you told her?"

Please say no, please say no, please say no, please say-

"Oh, ja. I told her that morning."

Ooh, that one hurt.

"And she said… what?"

Go to hell, curl up and die, I couldn't love you if I tried, you're a furry blue freak, I thought you were in love with Kitty Pryde, come on, one of the above here!

He smiles and sits up, elbows on his knees. "She didn't say anything. I left the room right after and I'm not sure if she's figured out it actually happened yet."

He's grinning. It's the same one Jean has. Like they know something the rest of us don't. I hate them both, I do.

"She hasn't freaked out, turned you down, kissed you passionately and madly? For the love of… I dunno, throw me a bone here, how's she reacting?" I'm really proud of my grin. I swear he's got no idea that I'm five seconds from killing all the females between the ages of twelve and twenty five at this point. No, I'm serious. They're all going to die.

He shrugs and I can tell, he's hiding something again. He's a little upset. "Let's just say… I know how she feels, even if she doesn't understand how I feel."

"What d'you mean?"

He closes his book and stands up. "She wants me to be with someone else. I've tried that and it didn't work. Everything's the same. So… so I'm just going to… be friends with every girl I meet until eventually, one notices me and my ravishing good looks and demands I marry her on penalty of one of Scott's speeches." He grins and holds out a hand.

I hate him. So, so much.

But I smile and take his hand, pulling him into a hug. "I hope you find that girl soon, Kurt. And if not… I'll always be here, if you need me."

He laughs slightly, making me jump. It's weird to hug someone who's laughing, your entire body moves with them. He pulls me closer and sighs. "Ja. Friends're great, aren't they?"

I pull back slightly to look at him. There's something wrong now, and I don't know what. "Kurt… can I ask you a question?"

"If you insist." He smirks.

"Who was she? How'd you tell her?"

He smiles. "Katzchen… it's not important."

"No, I mean…" God, I don't know what I mean. I don't know why I want to know. It's not like I care. I'm not going to do this anymore, I'm just… giving up on him. Let him be with… whoever. He's my friend, and that's all the matters. "I want to like, beat her up for causing my elfie heart ache."

"Elfie?" His expression is hilarious. It's like when you call Evan 'baby'. Like you've completely killed his dignity.

"Yeah. Besides, I'm the friend. I'm meant to listen and care and… yeah."

He smiles. "Well… I'm not going to tell you."

"What! Why not?"

"You called me Elfie!"

Ack. Jerk. "Not fair. Come on… if I guess, will you tell me?"

"Ja, sure." He laughs and we start towards the mansion.

Hmm. Well, always could narrow it down before hand. "She's not a mutant?"

"Huh? Oh, ja, she is."

"She's a mutant?" Okay, that really narrows it down. Wooh. Okay. I'm going to have to kill someone more powerful than me. Great. "Tabitha?"

He shakes his head, thank God. He could do so much better.

"Amara?"

"What!" he's laughing at me again. "The princess? Are you nuts?"

"It could happen!"

"No, it couldn't!" he tilts his head back to grin at the sun. "Pathetic…"

"Hey!" I elbow him hard, and he yelps. Just as well or I'd be annoyed. "Rahne."

"Uh uh."

"Jubes? Please say it's not Rogue."

"No and definitely a nein."

Jean? Ew. She's older. Or Storm. EW! Ew ew ew! Wrongness! "How old is she?"

"That's cheating!" he cried. "You cheat! Come on, you've narrowed it down to a total of three or four females, you can't go wrong here."

"Unless she's not female, of course…"

He just gives me a look. "You twisted individual."

"Gotta keep your options open." Okay. On the border of being disgusted with him. "Ororo."

Another stare. "You are not only twisted, you're also sick. No."

"Older or younger?"

"Younger, dummkoff! Do I have to spell this out for you?" He cries and turns, then stops, turning to me seriously. "Katzchen. Listen. Listen very closely. Think about each of the clues you've been given."

I just stare at him. What is this? It's not that obvious, Blue boy!

"I have told her that I love her. I told her the morning I talked to you. She may or may not have figured out what I was trying to tell her, despite the fact I said those three words very clearly. She is a mutant. She lives at the institute. She is not a new mutant. Nor is she Storm, thank every high heaven I can find, that is going to scar me for life now, Katze. She wants me to go out with someone else. Until the other morning I thought she at least liked me… like that . But I was obviously wrong, because she hasn't-" he cuts off, looking away. It's only a few moments later that he can look at me again. "It's been narrowed down to two people Kitty. I'm going to give you that last hint, and if you hate me, then that's okay, you can run away, and I won't mind if you never want to see me again. I'll understand. It's weird, I know."

Oh, god. It's Jean. I'm going to have to kill Jean. Fabulous.

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. "The girl I think… I am almost positive that I love… is not Jean, Kitty. There's only one other person it can be."

Really? Who?

Oh.

OH!

"Oh." I manage a squeak. I actually squeaked! Can you believe that? I SQUEAKED!

He just smiles. "Ja… oh. Maybe I'll see you later, Kitty."

He's going.

He's turning around.

He's walking away.

Why is he walking away? Isn't this the part where we jump into each other's arms and kiss passionately with lots and lots of tongue, then proceed to be a Couple for the rest of the three pages of the novel?

Why is he walking away?

"Why are you walking away?"

He stops and turns to stare at me, his hand on the door handle. "What?"

"Why are you walking away from me? This is the part where you say like, 'dank god' and we kiss and hug and become a couple, you can't just like, walk away!" I'm shouting this at the top of my lungs in the backyard of the institute. Yep. This is going to be so good for my image around the mansion.

And.. he's staring at me. "What?"

"I said… I love you. Hello, is that not computing to you?"

"What? No you didn't!"

"Yes I did!"

"No, you didn't. I would remember you saying that."

"Well, I-" Oh God. I didn't say it, did I?

Oh god…

I am such an idiot.

Wait! Yes I did! "Well, I did just then! And I yelled it for all the garden gnomes to hear, so you better believe it!"

He's still staring at me. You know, I think he's trying very hard not to laugh.

And now I'm thinking about it…

He loses it. He bends double, laughing, grabbing at the door handle to stay standing. Wow. I didn't think it was that funny. Eventually he manages to get upright and walks to the opposite side of the pool to me, still laughing. "Kitty, is this real?"

I nod. This is so not how it's meant to be happening, here.

"Are you serious?"

"More than you are!" I yell.

He grins and disappears in a burst of smoke, reappearing a few feet from me. He's still grinning. "Katzchen, you are so thick."

"You're not much better. I've been like, totally throwing myself at you all week."

"Says you."

"Yah huh. And I am so right. You are like, such a dork. I hate you."

"Really?"

"Yeah!"

He smiles and walks over. "So that was pity, before? You don't really like me."

"At the moment, I can't stand you."

"How long do you think that'll last?" he asks, still moving closer.

He is… really close, actually. But hey, I'm not moving.

But I think I know what he's doing, too. "At least until you make up for it."

"And how would I do that?"

I'm grinning now, too. It's hard not to. We are so pathetic. Of all the lame couples in the world, I think we have to be the worst. "I'm not telling."

"I can deal with that." he whispers, before leaning closer.

Oh yeah. I am so not moving anymore. I think I'll stay like this until, oh, I dunno, the next blue moon. At least. Maybe the third…

Kurt loves me.

Despite everything.

He threw everything he had at me those first few months. Trying to make me like him. And I've finally given it back.

And he still loves me.

Not bad. Not bad at all.