A/N: Each "set" of lyrics begins a new scene with different time and place.
The lyrics are from the Evanescence album Fallen.
*If you have to leave, I wish you would just leave.
Because your presence still lingers here.
It' won't leave me alone.*
Beka was, once again, in the gym. She could almost feel Tyr's presence.
She'd always liked working out before, but now it was something like
torture. She couldn't escape the memories of them in the gym together, of
how he felt when they were close, of how he made her feel. She was a
believer in the old wisdom that the best cure for mental exhaustion was
physical exhaustion. The result was that when she did come to the gym she
pushed herself harder than ever. So hard that Andromeda, monitoring her
vital signs, had becomed concerned. And it wasn't only in the gym that she
felt his presence. When on the Command Deck she still couldn't keep her
eyes from looking to his usual place. She'd always felt very secure with
him there behind her, watching her back, and now that security was gone.
The observation deck was almost as bad andshe seldom went there anymore.
*These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real.
There is to much that time cannot erase.*
As she stood in the shower her tears were lost in the water running down
her face. She was almost surprised that the water didn't become red with
blood. But no, the wounds were to her heart, her very soul, not her body.
She desperately hoped it was true that time could heal any wound. She knew
that her heart was still in her chest, beating. But it felt like an open
and empty wound. She'd given Tyr her heart and he had taken it with him
when he left. She was sure her heart wasn't broken, it was in Tyr's care
and she somehow knew he take care of it; but it was missing, he was
missing, and she was finding it almost impossible to live without her
heart, without him. As she got out and wrapped herself in a towel she
thought of her last words to him. That it takes a lifetime to forget. She
now knew that had been a lie. A lifetime would never be long enough to make
her forget him.
*Your face haunts my once pleasant dreams*
Beka lay in her bed trying to sleep, or trying not to sleep. She really
wasn't sure which. She knew that if she slept she's dream of Tyr. She'd
dreamed of him for years, and the dreams hadn't changed, but her reaction
to them had. Because now when she woke she'd have to face the fact that
they were just dreams. Impossible dreams that would never come true. Before
he had left she'd been able to hold on to the hope that one day the dreams
might become reality, but now that hope was gone; and the dreams seemed
more like nightmares.
And there were nightmares. Tyr showing up with his Nietzian wife and
children. Scorning her and asking how she could ever have thought that
could be her place. That she, a human, could ever be his wife and bear his
children. Nightmares of them fighting the Nietzians and Tyr giving the
order to destroy the Andromeda.
No, she wasn't trying to sleep. Or was she? Because at least when she slept
she could have her dreams?
*Now I'm bound by the life you left behind*
The Commonwealth had fallen apart again. And this time Dylan had been
forced to watch every minute of it, every battle. With Tyr gone he needed
her more than ever. She knew that and she stayed by his side, watched his
back. But she couldn't help wishing Tyr was around to watch her back. Tyr
had left, but she remained tied to the Andromeda. Not that she minded, not
really. She'd come to believe in Dylan's dream, and given him her loyalty.
She simply was no longer sure they could be ready to fight the Magog. The
one thing that gave her hope was that Tyr had been correct that a united
Nietzian fleet would be an immeasurable advantage. She knew Tyr would join
his forces to what remained of theirs to fight the world ship hen it came.
But she was unsure about after that. If there was an after. She was very
well aware that there might not be. Once the Magog had been destroyed the
Nietzian fleet would be in a position to turn on them.
As they made plans she missed Tyr' input. He'd been a cunning strategist.
His practicality and willingness to accept losses and collateral damage had
been a good balance for Dylan. She tried to fill that rule but was unable
to, lacking his cold realism. With him gone they'd all taken over some of
his duties. He'd been an excellent trainer for their new crewmembers.
Teaching them fighting techniques and combat maneuvers. She had Dylan had
split that rule, but it was not the same.
*I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone.
And though you're still with me I've been alone all along*
As Beka stood looking out the Obs Deck window she told herself she was
being foolish. Tyr was gone, and he wasn't coming back. She supposed a part
of her was still in denial. She vaguely remembered something about a river
on earth with a similar name. But that didn't really matter. A lot of
things didn't really matter anymore. How can you miss something you never
even had, she asked herself. Because you NEVER had Tyr. You never had him
as a lover, she reminded herself. You're no more alone now than you were
before. You got though Rev leaving, you'll get through this. She kept
repeating these things to herself, but got no closer to believing them.
As she heard steps approaching she turned to leave. As Trance entered she
gave Beka a worried look but was wise enough to say nothing at the moment.
She just watched her friend walk out the door, waiting for the right time
to try and help.