It Feels Like I'm Drowning

By Snare-chan

Pairings: Seto/Yami
Rating: T
Category(ies): Angst/Romance
Warnings: Cussing, slash...you know, all that good adult stuff.
Status: One shot, complete
Summary: Yami contemplates his existence, how his life has changed and the one he loves.

Notes: Was a present for Dai-mama, and I finally got off my lazy butt to upload it for everyone else to read and enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don't own YuGiOh or all that implies. Wish they'd put both in stock, then I'd buy it ALL! AHAHAHAAHAH!

Dedication: To Dai-mama, this IS your present after all.

---

Yami loved taking walks at night. The cool, night air was always a wonderful release from the day's splintering heat, and the simple caressing feel of it running across him as he strolled through the parks and sidewalks was a welcome thing that helped calm him even in his worst moods.

It wasn't an unusual occurrence for Yami to go out at night, but lately he'd been doing it more often, almost every night for the past couple of weeks. He just could not settle down, his mind in a tangled jumble to such an extent it was madness trying to get it back in order. Of course, it's not like his mind had actually ever BEEN ok to begin with...

It was getting late, Yami could just feel it. He sighed, knowing he'd promises Yugi that he'd return home before midnight, but he knew even if he did feel like returning he'd never make it. Guilt chewing him out slightly he hesitantly turned his course to head through the park, the place he always went through before returning to home.

Home...it wasn't HIS home. It was Yugi's, where he lived and spent time with his family. For that matter, nothing here was his, not even the clothes on his back. No, they were Yugi's as well, everything was Yugi's.

Quickly Yami shook his head, clearing it of those horrible thoughts. He should be thankful, he owe's the boy his very freedom. Well...as free as one could be when your very soul is still tied down to a mystical item. Absently, Yami glanced down and grasped the puzzle in one hand; his fingertips leaving not a single smudge or smear across the golden surface as he examined it.

He may not have that much of a freedom or a life, but he had it and should be thankful enough to make the best out of it. He was no longer trapped in that cramped and hidden place, alone...in the dark. He had people around him again, and he had fresh air. He could breath again, and feel with hands and see colors with new eyes. As much as his new life might be looked upon as a curse, it had it's benefits as well.

The question was, did one outweigh the other and if so, which one?

He snorted, stiffening and dropping the puzzle back to his chest. He shouldn't think of such things, it was pointless and only aided in making his thoughts more confusing and messed up. Pointless...all of this was pointless.

Seeing where his thoughts would lead him next Yami stubbornly bit the inside of his cheek, refusing to give into his own self-pity. He was greater then that, far greater. He'd overcome countless enemies and seen many gruesome and horrible things, he'd not strike himself down now, not after everything he'd gone through to get thus far.

But was it in vain? Had he only been resurrected as this forgotten shell of a man to be mocked and left in the dust to crumble? There has been no greater enemy to Yami then himself, and he wasn't sure which side was winning over, so it was anyone's guess how much longer he'd make it at this rate.

The gods must be laughing at me, Yami thought absently to himself, no real sadness in his voice, and for that matter, there wasn't much of anything in his tone at all.

Yami had at one time gone to the library to look up about Egypt, to see if there was anything, anything at all, left behind. A name, pictures or faces he might recognize...but there wasn't anything, save what had been gathered from everything ELSE.

Ra...he'd read about the ancient gods and goddess... It's pitiful, he didn't even remember those he'd looked up to and worshiped, but then again they might be behind it all. Pointing and laughing at him, like he were some pet running around in a tutu for them.

Suddenly he stopped right on the spot, his chest heaving just the slightest as he tried to get his breathing under control. He closed his eyes, at first centering his mind on his breathing and other bodily functions, relaxing each muscle one by one, concentrating on each heart beat and forcing it to slow down. The exercise of relaxation was one Yami had learned on his own and over time, or might have known it all along but just forgotten it while his body had not. Whichever it was, it no longer mattered, only the practice of becoming one with the universe counted for anything.

There is no god, Yami thought bitterly.

Without realizing it he suddenly slumped, his mind a blissful blank for once. It was a welcome feeling, the numbness. He'd been very close to just kneeling on the ground and bashing his skull against the sidewalk, though smearing his face against pavement would probably leave marks and unwanted questions later.

Finally Yami dared to open his eyes, glancing around to see where he was. He noted he'd gone rather deep into the park this time, in a rather secluded area. Even if people did come out this late to stroll in the park no one with the right mind would come this way, much less suspect something to BE here.

Gently, Yami ventured forward and brushed a low hanging branch aside, stopping just inches from the edge of the lake in front of him. It was more of a calm lagoon, the water a milky bluish-green, like shallow parts of an ocean. Small fish, probably minnows, could be seen swimming around closer to the edge of the water.

There were many splotches of space in the canopy of trees, letting some moonlight drift in and sprinkle over the water in a beautiful display, the moon's rays making the water seem to glow or shimmer like smooth, freshly spun glass.

He smiled.

A cleansing, Yami thought, surprising himself with the random thought. He didn't know where it had come from, but he decided to go with it. Pure instinct.

Wasting no more time he started to strip, leaving nothing and folding it carefully, tucking it safely to the side where it wouldn't get wet. He dipped in a toe, testing the water to see just how cold it was. It was nearing autumn, or so Yami thought since the concept of seasons was completely new and foreign to him, and he'd learned that autumn usually meant chillier nights then usual.

He was right, the water was rather cold and he shivered, goose bumps blanketing his shoulders and arms, making other parts of his anatomy cringe but...he felt he had to do this. Slowly he dipped in one leg, testing the depth before bringing the other in.

Once he was standing in it (it just below his knees at this point) he crossed his arms over his chest, as if in hopes of preserving some of his body heat that had stuck with him. He was temporarily at a loss of what to do, his instincts suddenly taking a break from him and leaving him on the line, unsure how to proceed. He didn't like feeling this way and sniffed, as if showing his instincts that he didn't them anyway, and slowly waded deeper into the water.

Though Yugi sort of knew how to swim, Yami himself didn't know how to (or remember) so he didn't go in to far, just till the water reached up to his chest. He paused again, glancing around as if something would come to him or the world itself had the answers he sought. When nothing happened he simply sighed, glancing down into the water.

It had become a little murkier, making it difficult to see his own knees, and impossible to spot to his toes.

Why was he doing this...why all of this? Why him?

"Why, why, why," he suddenly muttered, a dark tone enriching his voice.

Out of nowhere he lashed out, his hand fisting and slamming against the water. It didn't hurt, so he didn't it again...and again...and again. Over and over again he pounded his fists against the water's surface, marring it and blurring his image as the cold water rushed up to strike him in the chest and face.

He didn't know...he didn't understand any of this. What had he done so wrong to deserve this fate? Why couldn't he remember who he was or why he did anything the way he did? Who was HIS family? Did he have brothers or sisters, or a mother who loved him and tucked him into bed at night?

Did he at one time have lovers?

"Why can't someone tell me?"

It was a silly question he asked, and deep down he knew no one could answer it, but at the moment Yami wasn't really home or in a mood to care.

"It's not...fair."

His actions ceased, his hands shakily coming up to cover his face. He was falling to bits and pieces before his eyes. He was 3000 years old, perhaps his age was finally catching up to him...it's been heard that the brain is first to go.

Numbly he let his hands drop to his sides again, staring at his reflection in the water as the water finally slowed and calmed, becoming a mirror to him. He appeared like a wreck, his eyes slightly puffy from previous tears and his skin and face damp in some places from his splashing around, making some of his hair seem to dip and drag.

Instead of just washing his face with water he closed his eyes, deciding he'd rather just completely emerge himself. He took a deep breath and eased under, the water no longer cold to his body, it having adjusted to its feel by now. He eased himself to the bottom, noting how mushy the feel of the pond's floor was it. Probably just muck, created from dead plants and leaves along with other silt material.

It was quiet.

Would it be so bad, to go this way? It was so peaceful and there was no one there to feel sorry for him or be there... He'd probably rarely be missed. Perhaps Joey or Anzu...it seemed they'd finally acknowledged him as a separate person, though other then that there wasn't much else. He didn't mind though, they were Yugi's friends to begin with...yes...Yugi's.

Yugi!

Yami's eyes suddenly shot open, accidentally opening his lips in surprise and releasing a few bits of precious air before he clamped his mouth shut. No...no! He'd not do this, how could he thinking of such things? This...this wasn't...no.

His mind was suddenly very clear on one thing, and it was enough to get him started again. Yugi, of all the people in this world, did not deserve this. He deserved better, he deserved to live. This wasn't even his body, and here he was thinking about drowning? The hell was he thinking? Just because he may not really be able to die didn't mean Yugi's body had the ability to breath under water.

He sat up slowly, the water around him like a thick jelly and making his movements a bit strained and labored. Then something occurred to him...he didn't know which way was really up. His hands tightened on the muck beneath him, confirming he was down.

But...he needed...air.

His throat suddenly tightened as his lungs began to scream, his body no longer able to sustain itself on the one breath of air Yami had taken before he'd come under. He tried to push himself up but he suddenly gagged, his body needing AIR.

Another gasp racked his body as he was suddenly lurched forward, accidentally taking in more water into his lungs before breaching the surface once more. He instinctively coughed up the water that had entered his lungs and tossed what had come down to his stomach, leaning against his savior.

It took a couple moments before he could breath normally again and calmed down, Yami forcing his body to stop shaking long enough to look upwards and thank the person who had actually found him and risked coming in just to save his sorry hide.

To say he was shocked at the face that greeted him would be the greatest understatement of the century to date, considering it's not everyday your worst enemy comes in and saves you.

Seto's front was now completely soaked, probably from leaning over to yank Yami upwards. His white jacket pooled around him in the water, floating and brushing against Yami's own unclad body. The hair in front of Seto's face had been mussed and become soaked, sticking to the other's forehead and almost dragging into his eyes. Hesitantly, Yami brought up a hand to brush them aside and out of the way.

Why had...

Quickly Yami averted his gaze, shame lacing his face. Not only had he shown great weakness in front of the other but he'd...how could he have become so weak without himself knowing it? The thought actually scared Yami more then he let even himself realize.

Had Seto done this...for Yugi? This train of thought made Yami suddenly tense, wondering if the other realized it wasn't Yugi. He'd told the other about himself; how he was just a spirit trapped, probably a demon in the other's eyes for taking over Yugi's body, though he never purposely kept it longer then he needed.

Yes, this was probably so. Who would care about a 3000 year old spirit?

"Thank you," Yami finally murmured, not sure what else to say and at the same time make a quick get away. He tried pulling back, but the other's grasp did not loosen, keeping the other firmly in place and certainly from running away.

This caused Yami to start, looking up at the other with a bit of alarm, though hid it well. He'd already shown the other more then he wanted to show anyone and didn't wish to share anything else. For what seemed like eternity they just stared at the other, neither breaking the silence nor making any sort of move.

It was Seto who was first to do so, leaning downward in an attempt to steal a kiss. Yami's eyes widened at the gesture, having seen something of the sort enough to know what the other was trying to do. He tensed some more, if it were possible, and tried to pull his head back.

"I'm not Yugi."

"I don't want Yugi."

Eyes widening Yami was looking at the other again, searching his face for anything to give away that the other's words might be lies. There wasn't anything, just...Seto.

Again the other tried to kiss him, and this time Yami didn't resist. Either because of the fact Seto knew it wasn't Yugi but himself or from the fact that Seto wanted to kiss HIM of all people it could have very well been both more then one or the other.

Yami was broken out of said shock by the feel of the other's lips moving against his own, something warmer moving against his bottom lip. Without any further delay or hesitation Yami wrapped his arms around the other's neck, lips pressing harder against Seto's own.

This was for HIM.

Minutes later when they finally had to breath they finally pulled away, lips parting and panting for the air that their lungs were ranting and raving for, their hot breath mingling with one another as they caught their breath. Opening his eyes once more Yami gazed at the other, his cheeks flushed despite the fact the air and water around them was almost freezing by now.

"Why did-"

Yami was hushed by another gentle peck on his lips, his brows furrowing in confusion.

"Don't ask such silly questions."

And with that, Yami was swept off his feet and in the other's arms, being carried out to the side of the lake once more. It was probably a good thing; his legs had gone numb from the cold of the water and from the other's kiss. Gently, he tightened his arms around the other's neck.

Absently his thoughts trailed back to his earlier musings.

But was it in vain?

He remembered himself asking this, and a true smile spread across his lips as he chuckled, closing his eyes and resting his head against the other's chest. Oh yes...everything had been well worth it.

-Fin-