Chapter 1, Twisted Reality

September 2003, Earth, Agent J and M were heading back to MIB headquarters.

M: What a case, six 500-foot stingrays attack in the center of New York. Things get strange in September.

J: Bah with September, hell with September, I hate September, I'm allergic to September!

M: How can you be allergic to September?

J: That's when everybody's stupid! I take that back, it's when they're stupid the most! If I said it once I said it again, we're MIB, not the exterminator!

Once they returned to headquarters, well, things had changed since last time, everything was 180 degrees different. J was at his locker 652J, they had numbered every single locker and stuck a letter on the end. He heard sudden screaming, struggling, and yelling over at 815 M.

J: M, what is going on?

M: I opened the locker and he BIT me!

J: Frank!

Frank: What? It gets lonely in there; I thought he was the garbage man!

J: Get out of there! I tell you M, the stupid people of New York would be lost if it weren't for us!

Uhoh, they got assigned for another complaint, 9,000-pound tapeworm in Time Square. J and M weren't getting a break since last August when a 600-foot rat attacked in the subway. You're probably wondering what happened to K again? Well, now there were several types of MIBs, there was beginners, amateurs, mediums, above normal, highly motivated, and professionals. K was a professional; J and M were still mediums. J claimed come the next three weeks he'd move up with K, M was a natural born medium; he didn't have to start at the bottom. Once he was assigned Agent M, he was kicked to the middle.

They walked out to the car, M got into the driver's seat, but J wasn't pleased.

J: Oh no you don't, I'm driving.

M: No, I'm driving.

J: No, I'M driving.

M: That's what you said last time, I'm driving.

J: I'm driving!

M: I'm driving.

J: I am.

M: I am.

Both: You are!

M exhaled as J sighed.

M: Apparently neither one of us can trust the other.

J: Apparently so, I'm driving, move over!

M made a fist behind J's back, and swung forth, but he pulled it back as J turned around. J started it up, and they took off at 379 miles per hour.

J: Gotta keep it below the speed limit you know, this is a crowded lane.

After a while, they kept being bashed into from behind, J looked behind.

J: Uhoh.

M: What?

J: We got some crazy driver behind us.

M: I'll take care of him.

J: YOU'LL take care of him?

M: YOU wanna deal with him?

J: Go right ahead.

M: Thank you.

M jumped into the backseat to yell at the driver so they could be closer to the expression 'eye to eye'. But M got knocked back into the front.

J: What happened?

M: He didn't want to talk; he's trying to run us off.

J: The only way to get someone like that taken care of is to lose them, hold on, we're gonna jump it to 678.

J put it into shift, and they started bumping into everything at least 100 yards off the ground.

M: I can see why the last two who tried this came in as fatalities.

Frank popped up in the back seat.

Frank: Me too!

J+M: FRANK!

Frank: So did ya miss me?

J: Frank, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be back there sorting the mail!

Frank: I thought you two could use some backup.

M: The only backup we need is 25,000 pounds of stuffing back there so when we get thrown around we'll have a less complicated fall...

J: Uhoh.

Frank and M: Now what?

J: The accelerator's going into high gear, I can't control it.

Frank and M: Uh oh!

It went up to 1,025, they went storming through everything, they ran into the side of a building and crashed. They got knocked unconscious; J woke up in the front seat and realized something went wrong. They weren't on Earth anymore, that was for sure, the sky was brown in some places, others purple, mostly gray. All around, the buildings were old and condemned looking, people were basically up to their armpits in garbage. There was basically one thing that bothered J, when they landed; someone stole the roof off the car!

J: I'm gonna slap the punk who did this, I-M, where'd you go? M? M?

J stood up and looked around, Frank jumped into the passenger seat.

Frank: J, this ain't looking too good.

J: You're telling me, where's M?

Frank: Over there.

J looked over his shoulder; M was on the concrete ground not breathing or anything! Just then, J saw two people in the shadows run over to M. They were covered by darkness so he couldn't see what they looked like. It was apparently a girl and a boy, one of them grabbed M's wrist and the other brought his head up.

Girl: No pulse.

Boy: No breath.

Girl: No nothing! It looks like we've got no choice!

J watched the boy slightly dig his nails into M's neck and zap him! That did the trick, M was conscious again, the two started to runaway, but J stopped them.

J: Freeze, MIB.

Girl: Out of the way, Jay!

J: What?

Light hit the two, they looked somewhat the same, despite the genders, they were 5'5, black hair, brown eyes, dark/light skinned, with 1 1/2 inch nails on their hands, and strange marks all over.

J: Who are you?

Girl: Allright, ya badgered it out of us, I'm Z, this is my twin brother X.

J: Z and X?

M: Apparently they work very effectively.

Z: Yeah, and if you don't mind stranger, we've got places to go, people to see, property to vandalize.

J: Hold it!

J grabbed the girl by the neck of her shirt and pulled her back.

Z: Yes?

J: Tell me something, where are we?

Z: Twisted.

M: I know it is, but where are we?

X: You're new around here, Twisted is the name of it, it's a small planet, rather large once you've been around it once or twice though.

Z: Yeah, and I'd like to see it for the 36,000th time today thank you.

J: Hold it!

M: J, look!

J turned around to see what was left of the car was gone now!

X: I see they're making good time today.

J: Look, I don't want to hurt you.

Z: Don't worry, you can't hurt me, go ahead, slap me.

J: What?

Z: You heard me, slap me.

J: Now hold on there, I am not going to slap a minor.

Z and X repeated the M word and started laughing.

Z: I'm no minor, I'm 2,738.

M: They age pretty well around here.

J: Listen here kid; I've had a very bad day today.

Z: I can tell by your breath.

J: Listen, I've had to deal with a town full of stupid people cause we had a 600 foot fish attack in Time Square, I was doing 1,025 miles and hour because some Kamikaze driver kept bashing into me, and now I wake up in a town off my planet, a couple of punks stole the non-removable roof of my car, and now the whole thing is missing!

X: You don't work with this guy, do you?

M: Yes I do.

Z: Don't that just figure? Anybody else can get stuck with Bud Abbot and Lou Costello, here we got Morgan Freeman and Jackie Chan, don't ask.

J: So just what do you propose we do? We don't know anything about this place, and furthermore, everything we had with us is gone, our guns, our communicators, our neuralizers, and the car!

Z opened her mouth, but a car full of idiot aliens (like the zombies driving from Return of the Living Dead Pt II) came up the road.

M: What is that?

Z: Don't even ask.

Too late, one of the aliens in the passenger seat turned his head and started spitting; the aliens jumped out of the car and started attacking. All of a sudden, there was shooting, and people running around and yelling. J started beating on an alien, but it didn't do any damage, X came after the alien, grabbed his feet, flipped him upside-down and stomped on his face. The alien started yelling in agony, while two other tried putting M in a headlock, Z jumped up and punched them in the nose.

J: Now what'll we do, genius?

Z: I say we take the fight inside.

M: Inside where?

X: Inside there!

J and M turned around, a great big building, apparently it was new, it wasn't dark brown and deep gray, and it didn't have 50,000 cockroaches living in it.

M: Do you think we should?

J: Do we have a choice?

Z: Not around here, get going, move it M!

J and M: We're going, we're going!

Z and X shoved J and M inside the building; it used to be a restaurant, apparently before the welcome committee came to town. It was completely deserted, no one around.

J: Did a plague come through here?

X: Yeah, a plague called 'Agent K' of MIB.

J: K?

Z: Yeah, we figured everybody heard of him, came here a couple months ago, ran amuck in the whole place, ruined everything, ran everybody out of town. We're just now recovering from when he caused the earthquake.

M: What earthquake? We're not even on Earth!

Z tightly pressed her hands against M's cheeks.

Z: Will you just be quiet for once? I'm starting to think I liked you better unconscious.

J didn't seem to be getting the point, Z and X basically had to spell it out for them.

Z: You're in a place where we track down and kill MIB.

X: Yeah, around here, they're basically the only wanted men, well then there's the other nutball.

J: Who's that?

Z: He's the head honcho of a bunch of idiots; I recognize his face anywhere, like a rat.

J found they were just wasting time with this.

J: What are we supposed to do now? Put a sign up and yell to the aliens out there 'drinks on the house'?

They heard loud footsteps stomping up the building, up to the roof.

Z: Never say drinks on the house to an alien.

X: Just like never say step on it, to a roach.

Frank: Or flee to a...

Everybody: FRANK!

Frank: Yes?

J: Last time you said you only looked like a dog.

Frank: I do, and you would be very much surprised how much fleas take that expression likely to anything like me.

Z: You mean fleas always jump on a coffee table with teeth?

Frank: HEY!

M: Look out!

The whole front window came crashing down on Z and X, J and M were pinned against the wall, Frank was watching from the doorway to the kitchen.

Alien 1: Take that, scum breath.

Alien 2: Good job, let's get lost.

Alien 3: hiccup I'm thirsty...

Z and Z picked up the front window and threw it back into place.

M: What-how?

Frank: What he means to say is...How in the hell did you do that?

X: What do you mean?

J: How did that whole window fall on you and nothing happened?

Z: You must be new around here, we already told you, there's a thing that anybody who came from Twisted can't get hurt if something happens. The whole window comes down on us, nothing happens, Agent K shot at us about 3 ba-zillion times, nothing happened.

M: So what you're saying is you can't suffer from physical damage?

Z: The only physical around here is when Mrs. Kree-ak goes to the doctor's.

X: Of course there is one thing that we do suffer from.

J: What's that?

Z started twitching and shaking, it was mainly in her left arm, it curled up, went into a windup and almost hit M in the face. J grabbed her shoulders and started shaking her to restrain her.

Z: That.

M: What was that?

X: A nerve spasm.

J: NERVE spasm?

Z: It's a lot different up here than on Earth, honey, we suffer spasms; they come and go, like a headache.

M: Like I've got a horrible headache, the last thing I need is two 8-foot gorillas putting me in a headlock.

X: No, the last thing you need is two 8-foot gorillas rocking you to sleep.

Z: We know, we've had it done to us before, not too pleasant, I...

J and M turned to Z, her eyes opened wide and she fell on the floor.

J: What just happened?

X: She did it again.

M: Did what again?

X: She's got a problem, sometimes she overloads on-shall we call it, I don't know, maybe frustration, obligation, whatever it is. She overloads on it quite often, and apparently she's not the type that screams, or throws thing-well actually no, sometimes she does throw things, but that's when she's happy.

M: So she faints?

X: Yes and no, in one sense, it's a faint, in another, it's a period of time that it takes to lower the level of frustration from her mind.

M: I don't understand.

J: And I don't care, come on M, let's see if we can find the punks who stole the car. I-

M: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Frank: Uhoh, I smell trouble.

X: Look!

Z turned over, revealing a small device on her neck, resembling a microchip, only wider, it was about two inches high and 1 1/2 inches wide. J took it off her neck and realized it was hot, whatever it was, they suddenly heard cackling coming from around the side. They watched through the window and listened closely, the aliens that ransacked the outside earlier planted it on her to kill her. They walked off, laughing at their evil deed.

X: I don't believe it,

M: Me either, how could they do that?

Z: They didn't.

Everybody turned to Z; she peeled a small blue patch off her neck, where the chip was.

Z: Stupid over there forgot to take off the protective guard before he put it on, that thing couldn't do any damage if it was hooked up to a time bomb...What am I saying?

M tossed it to Z; she tossed it back to him.

M: You take it!

Z: I've already had my turn, you take it!

M: I don't want it!

Z: Me either.

M: Happy birthday.

Z: Merry Christmas!

M: It's not Christmas.

Z: Happy Hanukah then!

M: It's not Hanukah either!

Z: Habarigani perhaps?

M: Nooooooooooooo.

Z: One potato

M: Two potato

Z: Three potato four

M: Five potato

Z: Six potato

M: Seven potato more.

X: Here we go again.

Z: One

M: Two

Z: Eat your shoe, three

M: Four

Z: Where's the door, five

M: Six

Z: Pick up sticks, seven

M: Eight.

Z: You're human bait, nine

M: Ten.

Z: Here we go again.

J: I don't believe this...

Z: My

M: Mother

Z: Told

M: Me

Z: To

M: Pick

Z: The

M: Very

Z: Best

M: And

Z: You

M: Are

Z: It.

M: I win, what am I saying?

M threw it to Z, Z threw it to X, J took it from X and threw it out the window. It exploded!

Z: Pays to say a mouthful now and then.

(That's the end of chapter one; I'll have 2 up soon.)