I Care

By TouchOfViolet

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I try to convince myself that I don't care.

I tell myself that it's fine. He can do whatever he wants do. He can feel however he wants to feel. It's not my place to say otherwise...it's not my place to...be upset. If he loves her, who am I to care? If he wants to be with her, who am I to stop him?

I am no one.

I'm just a stupid, teenaged girl that's trapped in an era five hundred years before she was even born. Just a stupid, teenaged girl trying to gather all the shards of probably the most powerful jewel ever to exist before they fall into the wrong hands. Just a stupid, teenaged girl trying to defeat evil, make friends, find love, keep my sanity, and do my homework all at the same time.

I don't care.

When the jewel is finished and Naraku defeated...if he leaves us...if he leaves *me* to be with *her*, I'll be fine. I'll move on. I'll go back to the present and live my life. I believe that old saying 'can't lose what you never had' comes into play here. He never loved me, so what could I possibly lose?

Well, that's not entirely true. He's in love with my incarnate...whom, by definition, is the person I used to be. Meaning, on some level, he loves me.

Right?

I see that way he looks at me. I notice the longing in his amber eyes...longing for the person I was. He looks at me and all he sees is..her. He never sees me. Never takes the time to notice who I am.

Unless, of course, he's comparing her amazing abilities to my constantly horrific self...remember, I'm just a stupid, teenaged girl. Nothing I do is ever good enough.

Nothing.

I could defeat Naraku by myself, put the jewel back together, hop on one foot for all eternity, make ramen for everyone in the entire world, sing every Aerosmith song ever, paint every star in the sky purple, do all of this at the same time whilst being NAKED and it wouldn't even begin to compare to *his Kikyou*.

His beautiful and perfect Kikyou. His Kikyou who is now only composed of dirt and mud, having to steal the souls of innocent people just to stay alive. His zombie of a former lover...

Did you hear that boys and girls? I don't even compare to a zombie!

I suppose it should offer me some sense of hope...he loves my incarnate. He loves who I was. He loves my soul. Perhaps his reincarnation is running around my time, just waiting for me to find and fall in love with.

But then...I would only love him for the person he was. For the person he used to be. I would only love him for his incarnate.

Oh what a sick and twisted game the universe is playing on me! It's not fair. Did I ask for our two souls to be entwined together for all eternity? Did I?

No!

I wanted a normal life. A life where I could go to school, hang out with my girl friends, gossip about boys, paint my nails...fall in love with Mister Right. But did I get that? Did I?

No!

Instead I got something so much more amazing...I got caught up in a beautiful (if not sardonic) love story. My soul will forever love his. There is nothing more wonderful and frightening than that.

Maybe...maybe if he could just once look at me for me. See me for who I AM...not for who I WAS. Maybe, just maybe, then I could be happy. Maybe...maybe the world could just STOP for a second and give him a chance to look at me...to see my heart. Maybe then he'd fall in love with me..

It hurts so badly...loving someone this way. It hurts to love him with everything in me and know that he'll never love me back.

But no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I don't care about him, that I don't love him, reality always shoves my face into the truth. I love him more than anything else in the entire world...and I want him to be happy.

Even if that means him *being* with...her. *Being* with Kikyou.

I promised to stay by his side...and I intend to keep that promise. I intend to love him until I die. I intend to fight with him until Naraku is dead and the jewel is completed, and every wrong Naraku ever did is righted. But...intent is lost on the weary...

And I don't know how much longer I can go on...wondering...if he even cares...about me.

*~*~*

"Kagome?"

The sound of Inuyasha's voice forced the young miko to pull her head out of her diary, tears falling freely from her sad, brown eyes.

Funny...she couldn't recall when she had started crying.

The half-demon was on his haunches, his amber eyes focused intently on her, his dog ears on the top of his head flickering unsurely. "Kagome, what's wrong?"

The camp fire was slowly beginning to die, but it didn't particularly matter. From the looks of the sky it seemed morning would be coming in a little less than an hour. Sango slept peacefully across the campfire, her trusted weapon near her head, and Kiara separating her from the sleeping monk. Bringing her safety for the night from Miroku's ever wandering hand. Shippou had curled up next to Kiara, selfishly using her tails as a pillow. Not that Kiara seemed to mind.

Kagome sat up and closed her book. With a painful sniff she wiped the tears off of her face, never meeting Inuyasha's eyes. She wouldn't look at him.

She couldn't.

Didn't he realize what was wrong? Couldn't he see? Was he really THAT blind?

"Kagome," the half demon began again, his voice low. With demonic grace he was by her side, gently taking her chin in his claws. Slowly, he forced her to look up at him.

When golden eyes met brown, the dam broke.

He knew what was wrong. He KNEW. And that was all it took for Kagome to fall right over the edge. She was helpless to stop the tears falling from her eyes or the mournful sobs from her mouth.

She threw herself into his chest, painful cries shaking her tiny body.

And Inuyasha did the only thing he could.

He held her.

He held her as tight to him as possible, trying to comfort her and muffle her sobs at the same time. She clutched on to him, grabbing fistfuls of his red haori and silently screaming into his chest.

Inuyasha nuzzled her head, letting his clawed fingers rake through her blue- black locks. He rocked back and forth, desperately trying to bring her peace.

Kagome only sobbed harder.

He clamped his eyes shut, never ceasing his rocking. With the clawed hand that was in her hair, he pressed her head closer to his chest.

"I really do..." Inuyasha swallowed over the lump that had formed in his throat. "I really do...care for you, Kagome."

~End