Disclaimer: Yui doesn't own Hikaru no Go. She's just into Hikaru 'cause he's so cute and Akira's so hot because he's so Ryuichi-ish. Obsession is a way of life.
Yes, the poem is mine.
You don't know how to breathe.
You don't know how to care.
How can you expect to love
When you don't even know how to live?
I have chosen you.
by miyamoto yui
After he pulled his hand away, I looked at that face so carefully.
For the second time, I watched him play. I held my lips tightly as I kept a stern expression on my face. I couldn't help but be angry at this kid that sat before me with a look that wasn't so serious.
The hand that I had held didn't have any marks on it.
He had not known the suffering through Go.
I blinked my eyes at him wondering about all this. What was wrong with him?!
Couldn't he understand the many people who strove to get to his high level of skill? And all he could do was shrug his shoulders and think of the prize money?!
Of course it blew me away.
I almost wanted to cut his hands for him.
I stared out of the subway as the walls disappeared with rows of white florescent lights whizzing by. I was looking at my reflection while feeling that I couldn't breathe.
I loved this...
I truly loved this game.
And he had dismissed it so easily with that aloof attitude of his.
I had been training since I was two years old and Go was a part of me as cherry blossoms were to Ueno Park. They were necessary and indispensable. People loved those trees and expected them there.
Go was the matrix within me and you couldn't tear it away or else I would bleed if you did.
I had to win...
I had to show him what it meant to suffer for Go...
For something that you loved and believed in...
Yet, it wasn't enough...
Through all my moves, ones that I had developed over the years...
I had lost to a beginner.
Someone who had said they were barely starting.
I crumbled before everyone and held the cloth of my pants while pushing my fingers into my palms to the point that they almost bleed. I took in a deep breath and put my head down in defeat.
I didn't want to cry...
Drip drop drip...
It was no use at all.
I couldn't even face him and whatever he said. His words were just floating around, but I couldn't catch any of them. I didn't want to. It was all gibberish anyway and I didn't want him to reach me.
Then, he left and everyone looked at me, but I sat there with my head down.
My tears were falling into my lap. Even though I was shaking, I didn't do anything more but scrunch up my eyes while feeling a big weight inside of my heart.
You had blown me off.
And you didn't even have to try.
Don't you understand, Shindou?
You had just robbed me of what I thought I was good at. I never paid any attention to anything else except Go and here you came waltzing in, then you took me apart.
Along with this game, you took a piece of me with you to spite myself.
But you didn't understand how or why.
You didn't understand anything about losing. Losing what you thought represented everything that you thought you were.
For if you did, you would have been serious.
At least...for me. If not for yourself.
At least for me...
...because I was serious about you.
As all the people dispersed, there I remained with my head down with my hair covering my face. My eyes were still closed as I still held onto my pants with my fingers digging more into my palm.
"I will get that boy..." I found myself mumbling softly to myself.
I couldn't understand if it was out of hurt or to offer comfort to myself. But somehow, it eased the aching within my heart.
I could breathe again.
I repeated it again a little bit louder: "I will get that boy."
Lifting up my head slowly while opening my eyes, tears rolled down my cheeks. I said it again to myself a little bit louder than the last. "I will get that boy."
Some part of me smiled as I saw my reflection when I turned my head.
Somewhere deep inside, I was glad. And I knew it.
After looking for so long, as much as it hurt to lose to him, I had gained something much better.
I finally had an opponent.
After wandering for years and not caring whether I won or lost, I was finally able to play for real. Someone whose pride wouldn't die if I played against him.
Someone who may learn to love go as much as I did...
I finally found him!
With that thought, I left. As I looked up to the sky while standing at the entrance, I walked away with my head up. While walking down the sidewalk, I let my guard down and actually fully smiled after a long while of not breathing or caring. I felt alive again.
If he didn't love Go now, he'd learn to if I watched him long enough.
For I was getting desparate...
If I didn't find anyone to play against me, I was going to create an opponent.
I have chosen you, Shindou Hikaru-san.
And I will never let you out of my sight.
I smirked to myself.
From observation, you _should_ know how much I'm good at observing and getting what I want...
I finally said to myself in a firm voice,
"I will capture you, Shindou."
Someday, you will lose, but I want it only to be to me. Because in this realm, you belong to me alone.
And on that day you lose, I want you to scream my name in pain...
It will be at that moment that you will understand everything...
...that love and obsession are the same thing.
Author's note: My little ficlet. Please forgive the childish thoughts through this poor author. ;_; I have only seen a few episodes and wish to watch more (if I can get my hands on them). This is a great series to write fics for and I hope that I can do it justice.
Akira, you go babe.
* winces * Whoa...didn't expect this fic to be shounen ai... * blink, blink *
I was just aiming to show Akira's pain of losing...
I was thinking of 'us' as more of the players, but hey, Aki x Hikaru work too...
(You are SO spoiled, Adri...Hope you enjoyed the fic, my beautiful muse.)