Author: NarcissisticNienna PM
Jack comes back for Will. Hilarity and slashiness ensues. Changed the rating to R because pg13 just wasnt cuttin' it. Warning:Slow Updates on account of Laziness. Trying desperately not to cross the line from humor to parody.Rated: Fiction M - English - Humor - Chapters: 7 - Words: 10,588 - Reviews: 26 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 05-09-04 - Published: 11-07-03 - id: 1590789
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Authors note:: Sincerest apologies. In which Draco Malfoy makes a cameo.
Early the next morning, Jack woke with a start. Why did he wake with a start? Because there was a ferret gnawing on his toe. Why's there a ferret on board? Who knows? All that we know is that Jack's toe hurts. He jerked his leg away from the ferret, who scurried into the corner, chewing on something greedily. It took Jack a few moments but by the searing pain in his toe(and the large chunk missing from his toe), he soon realized that it was in fact a large portion of his large toe that was currently being made a breakfast for a ferret. He screamed shrilly and ran out of the room, locking the door behind him. Just to make sure that little rascal wouldn't be able to open the door. Jack obviously didn't know much about animals.
He limped onto the deck, it was just now dawn and no one was on board maneuvering the ship except for Will. Jack walked to him slowly, while speaking.
"Why aren't more men on deck!? How are we going to man the ship with one you!?" Will spared him a glance.
"Jack, I suppose you haven't quite gotten used to the idea that this is a) not a ship, and b) not even a very big boat. We don't need more than one man to man the ship. Everyone else is below deck planning your execution."
Jack nodded understandingly, mumbling about how it wont be the last time.
"Jack! What happened to your toe?"
Jack had momentarily forgot the pain in his toe and quickly began hobbling again.
"Aye, a squirrel."
"Are you sure, a squirrel?"
"Aye, a squirrel."
"A squirrel." Will said with a slight shake of his head.
"Yes, a squirrel."
"A squirrel, how do you figure?"
"I haven't the slightest, mate."
"What did it look like?" Jack leaned against the side of the ship and got that look in his eyes that he got when he was about to tell a great tale. You know, the partially mad, somewhat mentally impaired look.
"T'was a monstrous thing! I've never seen such a squirrel! White as snow and it had a bloodthirsty look in its eyes," he spread his hands apart, about a foot. "This long, mate!"
"That long, you say?"
"Aye that long."
"That's very long."
"Yes, like my penis."
"Nothing… Nothing at all."
Jack heard a familiar scurrying across wood and to his horror, realized that the mutant squirrel had indeed managed to pick the lock to the door and gotten out.
"AAAAGGGH!!!" Jack screamed and flattened himself against the side of the boat, trying to conceal himself. Will looked around, confused as hell.
"KILL IT, KILL IT, AND KILL IT! SMASH IT, WILL! SMASH IT! SAAAAVE MEEEE!!"
Will saw the squirrel. He blinked. The Squirrel blinked. Will did a jig. The squirrel hoped to God that Will wasn't mocking him, or else he'd be going after his toe tonight. Assuming of course that squirrels have linear thoughts.
"Oh Jack stop being so hysterical, that's just Draco the ferret." Damn straight I'm not a squirrel. I'm a ferret. A proud ferret. Watch your toes tonight, lock your daughters up. The ferret's free tonight! The ferret thought. Draco the ferret scurried up Will's leg and perched on his shoulder.
"You named the dreadful thing?"
"No,don't be ridiculous. If I wanted to name a ferret I'd name it Twinkie."
"… Are you saying, dear William, that that thing named itself?" Will rolled his eyes as if it was the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard.
"Well I don't know! I suppose you'd need to ask his parents that." Jack gave him the blankest look he could muster up. Aren't I supposed to be the quirkily odd and slightly crazy, yet lovable pirate in this story?
"I found this next to him." Will handed him a piece of paper that read:We the people of Hogwarts, who henceforth shall be referred to as the senders, are deeply apologetic to you, henceforth referred to as the receiver, for the burden, which we have sent to you. We the senders regret the impending annoyance and inconvenience bestowed upon you, the receivers. Make it known that the senders are still content to send one Draco Malfoy away. Feel free to do with him as you please. Yours truly, The senders. P.S. haha!
Jack folded the paper back up.
"What's a hogwart?"
"I'm guessing a pub."
"What should I do with the little sailor?" Will stroked his animal affectionately for several moments, and then petted the ferret.
"You can keep him, I reckon. Just keep him away from my feet. I need them, you know. For walking."
Later, at nearly midday, Jack emerged from his cabin once again. He'd been going through drawers and closets, searching for hidden compartments, anything. He managed to remember the name of an old acquaintance, the used ship dealer, who had a little shop on Tortuga. "Come on up if yer ship's ever taken from ye by an angry governors daughter and he secretly gay navy beau!" The dealer had said. Hmm.
He yelled to Annie to start on their way to Tortuga. She said that they already were on their way to Tortuga because everyone knows that in every story their either in port royal or Tortuga because no authors want to try and come up with an original place for them to be, also because their usually just writing so that they can get Jack and Will into bed, no need for a plot. Silly, silly Jack.
Jack walked up on Will who was searching through the supplies.
"What are ye looking for, lad?"
"We don't have very in depth conversations anymore, do we Jack?"
"Does this ship- boat- have any cheese?"
"I can't say that I'm aware of any cheese…"
"Aha! Found something!" Will stood proudly and lifted the biscuit and took a large bite, showing Jack its contents.
"See? Cheese filled." Jack gave him a sympathetic look.
"That's not cheese, lad."
Jack placed a hand on Will's back, who was slumped over, heaving over the side of the boat. He rubbed his back gently.
"Sorry about that, Will."
"No it's not your fault." Heave.
"I know. That didn't even look like cheese! How could you have been so stupid-"
"Not helping, Jack." Will stood up, one hand on his stomach. Jack assumed his position under Will's free arm and helped him wobble down to his cabin, and onto his bed. Once Will was lying comfortably, Jack had sat on the side of the bed and placed his hand on Will's stomach.
"We'll get you to a doctor once we arrive in Tortuga, if you're still not feeling well." Will nodded and smiled appreciatively.
"Hows that bloody ferret of yours?"
"He bit my toe last night and refused to come out from under Ana Maria's hat until he got cheese. Ana Maria threw a fit as well. I suppose if the crews out to kill you, pretty soon I'll be on their to do list. When are we getting to Tortuga?"
"One days time."
"Finally, we'll be able to get a room at a pub rather than on this horrid little boat."
"You mean there's an actually?"
"We don't exactly have the funds for a room."
"We don't exactly have the funds-"
"I heard you! What do you mean we don't have the funds?"
"I mean we aren't in possession of an appropriate amount of money."
"Then how will we get a room?"
"We wont be getting a room?"
"Not unless you whore yourself out, and you'd better be good if you want to pay for a room."
Will considered this. Maybe he'd get to wear a dress. He always wanted to wear a dress.
"Do I get to wear a dress?"
So, dear readers, Is Mister Ferret to be a recurring character? It's up to you..