Caroline and the Decision

Valentine's Day was two weeks away. It had just started to snow outside, making it a beautiful winter's day in New York. Salty was the only one to pay attention, though. Caroline worked feverishly at her desk; a new line of Caroline Mother's Day cards were coming out this year, and she was trying to get them all done by the February 14 deadline. She was actually pretty lucky; she had enough ideas to get her through, and so no writer's block to slow her down. Across the partners' desk, Richard was coloring as fast as she was drawing. It was unusually quiet, as both artists were caught up in their work.

The phone rang, jolting Caroline out of her train of thought. "I knew I should have turned the phone off, " she muttered as she picked it up. Richard took the opportunity to go to the kitchen for a cup of coffee.

"Hello…Oh, hi, Julia…. Yes, of course…" Caroline handed the phone across the kitchen counter. "It's for you, Richard. Julia." Richard started for a second, and then took the phone from Caroline's hand. He couldn't explain it, but somehow he felt like he was cheating on Caroline with his own wife. I just shouldn’t take personal calls at work, he told himself. That must be it.

"Yes, Julia?" He listened for a moment. "I'd really like to but I can't…. No, no, it's just that we have a lot of cards to get done, and I really shouldn't…." Richard appeared to be wincing at the reaction he was getting on the other end of the phone. Caroline stopped working and looked back at Richard, raising an eyebrow. Finally he heaved a sigh. "Okay. Yes, fine. One o'clock." He hung up the phone and handed it back to Caroline.

"Trouble at home?"

"Sorry about that. Listen, Caroline, I hate to do this to you, but I am going to have to meet Julia for lunch. She's insisting."

"Oh." Caroline looked at the work on their desks. She was going to ask Richard to work through lunch; she was going to offer to buy them some take-out to make up for it. She reminded herself that his wife came first, she should come first. Caroline was just his boss. "Of course, Richard. We still have a couple weeks till these are due, I'd just--"

"Like to get them out of our hair," Richard finished her sentence for her. "I know that. I'll only take an hour, okay?"

"Sure." She watched Richard put on his coat and head out the door.

Actually, she thought, Julia's the one I'd like to get out of our hair. She had tried really hard to like Julia, and not let her feelings for Richard get in the way of a potential friendship. But when Julia set her up with the Walkman on that radio quiz show, Caroline realized just what she was dealing with. Now, it was all Caroline could do to be civil to Julia. She shook her head, put her glasses back on, and got back to work. Hearing Julia's voice had pretty much ruined her appetite; she decided to just work through lunch.

***

"Ah, caro mio, there you are. I was thinking that perhaps you were not coming after all."

Richard sat down across from Julia at a small table at Remo's. "Julia, it's only five past one. Now, can you tell me what is so important that it couldn't wait till I got home?"

Julia frowned at him over her menu. "That is just my point, darling. You never are home. You go into work early, you work late, you never meet me for lunch. Why must you work so hard?"

"We get busy this time of year. New cards to design, Caroline just really needs me right now." He tried not to think of the days he stayed late, just talking with Caroline. He tried not to think of his reluctance to leave her apartment some nights, when Caroline's warmth and smile seemed so much more inviting than Julia's.

Julia threw up her hands. "Caroline. Always it is Caroline. I am your wife, yes?"

"Yes. Of course you are."

"Then it is settled. You will no longer work for Caroline."

"What?!" Richard's heart stopped for a split second. "Did I miss something here?"

"I am your wife, not Caroline. I am your family, and your family is more important than your work. You don't even like that work--when was the last time you painted? She keeps you too busy to even do what you love. We will leave New York. We could go to Paris, Rome, anywhere, darling. Just tell me where you want to be."

I want to be here. In New York. With Caroline. Those thoughts came unbidden to Richard's mind. He blinked them away as he thought about what Julia said. She was right-- he hadn’t had time to paint since before Christmas. After the Caroline Christmas cards were done it was time for the Valentine's Day ones. Then Easter. And now Mother's Day. He had gotten used to the routine so he hadn't thought much of it. But he realized now that he really missed painting. He was an artist. He needed to create. And coloring in those cards wasn’t doing it. He'd done a lot of painting in Paris; he knew that he could really create there. But leave? Leave Caroline? Even though he knew he had no claim on her, the thought of going through the days without her, like he had the last time he was in Paris, dragged at his heart.

But things were different now, weren't they? The last time he was in Paris, he had been heartbroken and alone. Now he had Julia, his sincere amore, his muse, by his side. He cleared his throat. When he spoke, his voice sounded haggard, a little tired.

"I can't just leave her in the lurch like that. I would have to give her notice, at least, help her finish up these cards. But maybe you're right. Maybe we should go away for a while." As he spoke, Julia's face grew brighter and brighter. Then why did his heart feel heavy? He forced a smile, hoping she wouldn’t notice his distress. "We never did have a real honeymoon."

"There, you see? You give Caroline two weeks' notice, and in two weeks we will be on our way to Paris, yes?"

***

"Hey, Richard, how was your lunch?" Caroline called over her shoulder as he let himself back into the apartment.

"Informative." Richard preoccupied himself with hanging up his coat. He had spent the walk back to Caroline's apartment rehearsing what he was going to say. But then he opened the door and looked at Caroline, sitting at their desk, working in the same position she had been in when he had left. The sun coming through the window danced off her auburn hair, sending glints of fire through it. He stared at her, facing away from him, and all the words he had practiced froze in his brain. If it was this difficult now, how hard would it be when he had to face her?

Too late. She turned in her chair, pushing her glasses on top of her head. "Informative?" she repeated. "What did you do, watch the Discovery Channel?"

"We're going to Paris." The words fell out of his mouth before he could check them.

Caroline's brow furrowed. "Paris? Wow, that sounds…romantic. How much time do you need off?"

"I…" Richard looked at the floor. There just wasn't an easy way to do this. He took a deep breath and plunged in. "We are going there for good. I'm going to have to leave this job."

Caroline's mouth sagged open. One hand went to her stomach; she felt as if she had been punched. "You're leaving?" Her voice was a hoarse whisper. "I…" She could feel hot tears swimming in the corners of her eyes, threatening to spill over. Get a hold of yourself, Duffy! He's with Julia. He loves Julia. You moved on, remember? She swiped a little angrily at the tears as she thought of something to say. "I…uh…well, when will you be...leaving?"

Richard's eyes remained fixed on the floor. "Well, two weeks' notice is customary, so I thought--"

"Two weeks. So soon." Caroline's mind was spinning. She fought to remain practical, to think of work. Richard's leaving. He's leaving! She looked helplessly at her desk, as Richard brought his eyes up. He saw her looking at all the work they had on their desks. She must be really worried about getting those cards done. Well, what did you expect, Karinsky? She said that she had moved on. Remember Trevor? She's got Trevor now.

"Don’t worry, Caroline. I'm sure we'll get the cards finished. When's that deadline?"

"I don't know…soon." Richard's leaving. Richard's leaving. No rational thoughts were making it through to her brain. She reached for her calendar. "They need them by the 14th. That's two weeks from today. So I guess that'll be your last day, huh?" The 14th. Valentine's Day. Oh. My. God.

"I guess so. Julia wants to go as soon as possible, but I wanted to make sure we got these cards wrapped up first."

"Thanks. Well, um, I guess we should get back to work." Caroline turned back to her cards, because she really didn't think she could trust herself to talk anymore. She told her hands to stop shaking. She was his boss, he was her employee. That was it.

Richard took his seat and picked up the cerulean blue. Her reaction really wasn't what he thought it would be. He didn’t know what he had expected from her, but he knew that his own heart was breaking. This is ridiculous, he told himself. She's my boss. She's just my boss. What do I want her to do, beg me to stay? He tried to think about Julia and Paris for the rest of the afternoon, trying to make the ache in his chest go away. They settled into another silence, but somehow not a companionable one like this morning.

***

As far as Caroline was concerned, those two weeks went by faster than she ever could have imagined. Before she knew it, it was February 14th. Valentine's Day. Deadline. The day Richard was flying out of her life.

"So are all the plans set? You packed and ready to go?" She tried hard to keep her voice light, but to her ears it just sounded tight and strained.

"Yes. Julia finished packing this morning. Our flight leaves at 7 tonight." Richard somehow didn't sound as excited about the trip as he should have. He must still be overwhelmed at the trip, she thought. Who wouldn't be excited about moving to Paris with their sincere amore? Caroline's heart constricted; she wasn't sure if she could talk without breaking down. But she tried.

"I bet Julia's really excited, huh?"

Richard smiled, a little absently. "She is, she really is. She can't wait to be back in Europe."

"Well, who wouldn't?" Caroline tried to laugh, but it came out a little too shrill. In her nervousness, she started to babble. "I mean, if I had the chance to move with you to Paris, I'd be--" She realized what she was saying and her voice faltered.

Richard's head snapped up. In her embarrassment, Caroline tried to avoid his eyes but he'd pinned her gaze with his. There was a little confusion in his eyes, a lot of sadness, and an intensity she'd never seen before. "You'd be…what?" he asked quietly.

Trapped, unable to look away, Caroline found she was unable to joke her way out of it. "I'd be walking on air," she replied simply. She dropped her eyes to her desk and fiddled with a couple of the finished cards. "I…I'm really going to miss you, Richard."

He gazed at her bowed head for a long moment. "I'm going to miss you too, Caroline," he whispered.

"Miss Caroline? Where’s Caroline going? Are you leaving too?" Charlie's voice startled them both.

Caroline whirled around in her chair, her hand on her heart. "Charlie! You know I'm not going anywhere." She got up and started to get the envelopes of cards, along with the strips, together for the Rollerblading courier.

He sailed across the hardwood floor to the partners' desk, catching himself on the edge of the desk. "Oh. Well, that's good. Because if you both left, I don’t know who would draw the Caroline strip."

Caroline found herself smiling a little in spite of her mood. "Well, don't worry. I'm not going anywhere." She handed the envelopes to Charlie and steered him to the door. When he was gone, she looked across the room at Richard, still sitting at the desk. She didn't say anything for a couple of seconds, just watched him getting his things together. She realized that she was trying to memorize him, to burn his features into her brain, since this was probably the last time she was ever going to see him. The pain in her chest increased, almost to the breaking point. She couldn't take any more of this.

"Richard? Why don't we just call it a day, huh? I mean, you probably have a lot of little things to get done before your flight tonight, and we got all the cards done on time. I've already written your check for the week, and you're getting paid for the full day." She could tell that she was babbling again, but she couldn't do anything about it. As much as it was killing her to say goodbye to him, having him stick around the full day was just prolonging the pain. He was Julia's, and he would always be Julia's. There was nothing more to say.

Slowly, Richard nodded. "Are you sure?" He stood up and shouldered the bag he had packed his art things in. Caroline stayed by the door, watching as he crossed the room to her and put on his coat. Caroline reached in her pocket and pulled out the check. As she handed it to him, their fingers touched. He gripped her hand.

"Caroline." The hurt in her eyes was almost causing him physical pain. There was so much he wanted to say to her. When he had agreed to go to Paris, it had seemed like such an easy decision, but now, actually having to part from Caroline was causing him a pain he had never felt before.

Caroline swallowed hard and extracted her hand. More than anything in the world, she wanted to throw herself into Richard's arms and beg him to stay. She fought hard to keep a clamp on the hysteria and act like a professional. But she never realized how hard it would be to say goodbye to her best friend.

"Take good care of yourself, Richard." Her voice was very small. "Send me a postcard from Paris, okay?"

"You know I will." Richard's chest felt tight, like it was hard to breathe. He wanted to pull Caroline into his arms, breathe in her scent, and never let her go. He realized, in that moment, if she asked him to stay he would do it without question. But he also knew that she never would do that. He knew that whatever romantic feelings she had had for him were gone, and that he was just a friend and an employee to her. Although a part of him was dying inside, he found himself speaking the words he never wanted to say. "Goodbye, Caroline." Tearing his eyes away from her, he turned and walked out the door.

She shut the door behind him and leaned her head on the hard wood. Silent, hot tears fell down her cheeks now that she was alone. Alone. She slid to the floor. What was she going to do without him?

On the other side of the door, Richard stood unmoving for a few seconds, pausing on the threshold of a new life. With Julia, and without Caroline. He took a deep breath and walked towards the stairs.

A hand grabbed his arm, stopping him in his tracks. He jumped a little, then frowned.

"Annie."

"Richard. So you're really leaving, huh?"

"No, Annie, this is one long, elaborate, practical joke at your expense. The tickets to Paris and everything."

"Oh, cut it out." She swatted him on the arm. "I just never thought you would leave Caroline."

"Well, it's not like she paid much."

"Richie." He could tell that Annie's patience was wearing thin. Her eyes were serious, something he very rarely saw. "So that's really it? No more 'strong, strong feelings'?"

Richard closed his eyes. He hated it when Annie reminded him of that letter. It was a reminder of his true heart, that he had locked away forever.

Annie could see Richard let down his guard; it was almost a physical change. "Annie," he started quietly, in a different tone of voice. "None of that matters anymore. I'm a married man now. And besides," he added, "even if I weren't married, Caroline has her own life, and it doesn't involve me. She got over me a long time ago, remember?"

Annie shook her head. He was amazed to see sadness in her eyes. "Richie, Richie, Richie. Caroline never got over you. She will never get over you."

Richard looked at her in disbelief. "Of course she did. What about Trevor?"

"Trevor?" Annie dismissed Trevor with a wave of her hand. "It's you, Richie. It's always been you. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't understand what she sees in a doom-and-gloom like you, but she sees something. But you know what? You're right. It doesn't matter anymore. You're married, you're leaving. And I--" she pointed at Caroline's door-- "have some margaritas to make." She extended her hand to Richard, and he took it.

"Have a good life, Richard. I know I yanked your chain a lot, but you're a good guy. Take care of yourself."

Richard thought of a sarcastic retort, but he could tell that Annie was being genuine. "Thank you, Annie." He turned and started down the stairs to the street. Annie watched him go, then she turned her thoughts to Caroline. She went back to her apartment to get the supplies she had bought for today.

***

"Okay. Let's see what we've got here." Annie rummaged around in the kitchen. "A huge lasagna--compliments of Remo-- is already in the oven, the first pitcher of margaritas is ready to go in the blender, and the half-gallon of ice cream is in the freezer." She walked into the living room where Caroline was sitting numbly on the couch. She handed her friend a margarita and sat down on the ottoman in front of her.

"How ya doin'?" Annie asked. Caroline shook her head.

"I can't believe he's gone. Gone. I'm not going to see him Monday, or next Monday, or any Monday." She took a healthy sip of her margarita. "He's been in my life for so long now, that I can't imagine life without him."

Annie patted her hand. "It'll get easier. You know it will. Look, your cards are done, and you don't have any plans for the weekend. So you just use the next two days to wallow, okay? Things will look better on Monday."

"Do you really think so?"

"Not really. But when you're yelling at me on Monday for being wrong, at least you won't be depressed for a few minutes." Annie was rewarded by a small smile. "So listen, you drink up. Margaritas are good for a broken heart. I know; I've had a few of them myself, you know."

Caroline took another sip, then cocked her eyebrow at Annie. "Margaritas, or broken hearts?"

Annie grinned. "Both." She went back into the kitchen.

***

Three hours, two pitchers, and a half a pan of lasagna later, Caroline yawned exaggeratedly. "Listen, Annie. Thanks so much for being here for me tonight. But I think I'm going to be okay."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Why don't you get going? I'm just going to go to sleep soon anyway."

"Well, okay, only if you're sure…"

Caroline nodded emphatically. "Absolutely." She steered her friend to the door, closing it behind Annie as she left. She wasn't really all that tired, but she just wanted to be alone with her thoughts. She curled up on the sofa, Salty purring in her lap. She absently flipped channels on the TV, ending up at an old tearjerker romantic movie. Perfect. Something told Caroline that if she just had a good cry, things would look better in the morning.

There was a soft tap on her door. She wondered why Annie all of a sudden was knocking; she'd never done that before. Looking to the coffee table, Caroline saw Annie's purse. She must have forgotten it. She hauled herself off the sofa and went to open the door.

"Forgot your keys, huh, An---" Caroline's voice died in her throat as she stared at the figure in her doorway. "Richard." Her lips formed around his name, but her voice seemed to have stopped working. She blinked a couple times, wondering if he was a margarita-induced hallucination. But when she opened her eyes, he was still standing in front of her. She noticed that his eyes were red, and that he was trembling. A suitcase rested at his feet.

"Caroline. You've been crying."

"So have you." Caroline wondered at how her voice had come back, and was sounding so normal, like she and Richard were discussing the weather.

"May I come in?"

"Yes, yes, of course." Caroline stepped back to let him into her apartment. She closed the door and he hung up his coat, an automatic reaction upon walking into Caroline's place. Caroline continued to stare, as if he were an apparition. Richard, for his part, appeared to be confused, as if he were not sure what he was doing there himself. He wandered through her living room as if he were seeing it for the first time. He walked over to the window where he had sat for the past three years and looked out. He didn't say anything for a few minutes, and Caroline began to wonder if he was waiting for her to speak. But she had no idea what to say, so she just stood there in a bewildered silence as Richard gazed out the window into the snow. When he finally began to speak, he sounded tired, but his voice was strong.

"When you get married, you have to be sure about everything. You shouldn't enter into a marriage with any kind of doubts in your mind. I mean, this is the person you spend your entire life with, you know? You have to be certain that she's the one for you, without question. Do you follow me?"

Caroline was a little confused, but she'd followed Richard's tangents before. She blinked away the margaritas and concentrated on his voice. "I think so. Sincere amore?"

Richard nodded slowly. "Sincere amore. The love you never have to question. But, you see, there's more to that than I thought. I thought that sincere amore meant that I would never have to question her love for me. And I don't. I know that you aren't Julia's biggest fan, but since she came back into my life, I have never once questioned her love for me."

He moved, sitting down on his chair behind the desk. "But here’s the thing. This is what I never understood about sincere amore until today. You also never question your love for the other person. And to love another person totally, you can't have doubts, or thoughts or feelings for another person. If you do, you don't have sincere amore."

"Richard." Caroline sat down at her side of the desk. She'd never seen him like this before, so intense. The feeling started in the pit of her stomach; something very important was happening. "What's going on? Where's Julia?"

Richard looked at his watch. "Probably halfway over the Atlantic right now." He looked at Caroline, and she tried hard to read his eyes. But she couldn't tell what was in them, and she was growing more confused by the second.

"Why didn't you go with her?" It was a whisper.

Richard took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. He laughed just a little. "Annie. You know how she loves to ruin my plans. She said something to me today that had me thinking all day. And I couldn't go to Paris before I found out if she was right. So all afternoon I thought about coming here and finding out, before I got on that flight. But then I realized that no matter what the answer was, I was never going to Paris. I walked around Central Park three times, and on the third time it came to me. Julia's not my sincere amore. My marriage to her was a mistake." He took a deep breath. My God, he thought. I'm babbling. I thought Caroline was the only one who did that.

Caroline stared at him in horror. "What did Annie say to you?" She knew that part of her should be rejoicing, but she also knew how mean Annie could be. What could she have said to break up a marriage?

Richard laid his glasses down on the desk, and looked directly at Caroline. His eyes pierced through her, and for the second time that day she found herself trapped by his gaze. "She said, 'Richie, Richie, Richie.'" He did an almost perfect imitation of Annie's voice, and Caroline smiled unconsciously at that. " 'Caroline never got over you. She will never get over you.'"

Caroline's heart stopped, the smile falling from her face. "She said that?" She breathed.

Richard nodded. His heart was thudding loudly in his ears. What he was saying was scaring him to death, but it was time. He could acutely feel all the twists of fate, all the miscommunications of the last three years. No more. He needed to lay it all out to her, whether she loved him or not, and he could move on from there. One way or the other, he had to know. "After I left," he continued, keeping his eyes on Caroline's face, "those words were all I could think about all day. I wasn't thinking about Julia or our trip. I was thinking about you and wondering if you were all right. I thought about that message I never got, I thought about all the times I almost told you how I felt, but you were planning a wedding with Del, or dating that high-school boy--"

"Joe was not in high school." In spite of her confusion, Caroline felt she had to interject.

"Whatever." Richard smirked a little, and Caroline smirked back. "The point is, there were so many unanswered questions as far as you were concerned. So many crossed signals. When we first decided to go to Paris, Julia told me that as my wife, she was my family and family comes first. And she's right."

"Then why--"

Richard held up his hand. "Let me finish. She's right. Family does come first. But on that third lap around Central Park, when I couldn't feel my toes anymore, I saw what I hadn't realized before. What made everything make sense. Julia's not my family. You are."

"Me?"

"You. And Del and Charlie and--God help me-- even Annie and that cat of yours. But above all, you, Caroline. You're my family, you're the one who's in my heart."

Caroline looked at Richard for a moment longer, a timid smile playing on her face. Then, unsure, she looked down at her hands. "So what so we do now?"

"Well," Richard's voice carried a confidence he didn't quite feel. "I think that first of all I need to know about what Annie said. I need to know if she was right."

Caroline smiled at Richard, even though she could feel tears in the corners of her eyes. He was right. No more miscommunication. "Of course she was right, Richard."

"Really?"

She nodded, wondering if she could trust her voice to work properly. "I tried. I really did. But Trevor couldn't take your place. No one could."

Richard let out the breath he didn't realize he had been holding. He crossed to her side of the desk and took her hands in his. "Then I think this is what we do now," he said softly. Very gently, almost as if he were afraid she would break, he bent down to her and brushed his lips against hers. A small sob caught in Caroline's throat. She couldn't believe this was real. Two hours ago her heart was broken. Now it was so full that it threatened to burst. She gripped his hands tighter and pulled him more firmly down to her, as their kiss increased in intensity.

Richard pulled Caroline to her feet and wrapped his arms around her. His lips touched her forehead, her eyes, her cheeks. "Do you know how long I've dreamed of this?" he whispered.

"Probably about as long as I have," she whispered back. They held one another tightly, as if they were afraid if they let go none of this was real. After a few moments he smiled.

"So can I have my job back?"

"Hmmm." Caroline smiled as she snuggled closer in his arms. "I don't know, I was interviewing some new colorists on Monday."

He chuckled and kissed the top of her head. "Cancel them. I'm going to need to pay rent on a new place."

She pulled back and shook her head. "No you don't. I was thinking you could set up your painting stuff right over there, and there's plenty of closet space upstairs."

"Move in with you, Miss Duffy? Isn't that sexual harassment?"

She wound her arms around his neck. "No, it's just a new part of your benefits package." She smiled wickedly. "Now, I could show you some sexual harassment, if you like…"

The door opened at that moment and Annie was already talking. "I forgot my purse, Caroline, how you holding up--whoa boy." She stopped in her tracks when she saw Richard. When it registered that her best friend was in Richard's arms, she smiled broadly.

"Welcome home, Richie."

Richard found himself smiling back at Annie, for one of the first times in his life. "Thank you, Annie."

"Yes, thank you, Annie." Caroline echoed his sentiment.

"Sure. I don't know what I did, but you'll tell me tomorrow when you buy me lunch at Remo's. I'll be sure and knock before I pick you up, okay?" She crossed to the kitchen and took the half-gallon of chocolate chocolate-chip out of the freezer. "Doesn't look like you'll be needing this anymore. However, my date canceled on me, so I do." A little bewildered, but very happy for her friend, she closed the door behind her.

"She still forgot her purse," Richard observed.

"Then quick, lock the door. I don’t think I want any other distractions tonight." Richard smiled and locked her front door. Suddenly, Caroline was a little nervous.

"So do you want some lasagna? A margarita?" Richard shook his head.

"Why don't you show me some of that closet space you were telling me about…upstairs?"

"Sure thing." As Caroline took his hand and led him up the stairs, Richard thought to himself, Who needs Paris? I think I like the start of this new life much better.