CHAPTER EDITED JULY 13th 2006 - fixed text and added more useless dialogue.

See chapter one for disclaimer & details, and scroll to the bottom for responses to readers.

Jim the Narrator: When we last left off in Of Warriors and Pudding, Martin was beating mister B.J., Gonff & the rest were using up Noonvale's phone bill, & Neo is still pissed off.

Neo: (swearing to Trinity, grumbling) Little midgets...

Jim: What will happen next? No one knows…

Lady Storm: I do!

Jim: Oh? Then, did you plan… THIS! (throws a coconut at the author and runs away)

Lady Storm: (looks at the narrator oddly) ...My teeth are bleeding.

Gonff: Well, mates, thanks for lettin' me use your phone.

Urran Voh: (armed with a spork and hiding under a bush) Will you leave now?

Gonff: Do I have a choice?

Urran: How about no?

Grumm: Why are we all asking questions?

Gonff & Urran: (looks at Grumm) What?

Grumm: Urr, Oi mean, why ur we all uskin' questions, ho urr?

Urran: Well, I don't know. But you better leave – I'm armed! (points to Grumm)

Grumm: (points to teeth) Gr. Ar. Gr.

Gonff: (flinches) Ooh, crickey! Well then, taters! (snaps fingers and disappears)

Urran: I believe my job is done here.

Bird Bob: Uh, hello?

Jim: Oh, we don't need you anymore. You can go die peacefully now. (discreetly steps on Bird Bob while looking around and whistling)

Jim: By now, Bella and the others have thankfully gotten off the phone and are wandering about, pulling back on their clothes after a game of strip poker.

Amber: Those are images I'll take with me to the grave… (shudders)

Goody Spike: (Indignant) Hey!

Amber: Um, I wasn't talking about you…

Goody: Phew.

Amber: …Specifically.

Skipper: What's this fic rated anyway?

Jim: Ooookay, let's move on before the Abbess finds them.

Abbess Germaine: What the..? (looks at half-dressed beasts with a few articles of clothing scattered about) OH MY GO-!

Jim: Brian Jaques is lying on the ground, muttering something about strangling Martin with a fish bone and said Martin is running around laughing maniacally.

Martin: I AM L337 K1NG!

Mossflower Air United Standard 101110 Airlines: Fo' sho'!

Martin: (stops and frowns at cell phone) HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MAH AUTHORITAH?

Mossflower Air United Standard 101110 Airlines: Wo?

Jim: Well, I think it's safe to say that this fic's sanity is degrading quite dramatically.

Gonff: (appears out of nowhere) I've HAD IT with you and your penguins!

Martin: What? Oh, come on, you know I keep them on leash- HEY!

Gonff: OH SHIP! (Runs off)

Martin: OH NO you don't! (runs after him)

Gonff: (disappears into thin air) It's a whole different game when you're not thirsty!

The Freaky Red Kool-Aid Jar: Screw you, kid.

Gonff: (Unwillingly reappears) (sadly) Aww.

Martin: (drags Gonff by the collar) Come on, infidel, I've got a bone or two to pick with you.

Gonff: But I thought we buried –

Martin: Not THOSE bones!

Gonff: …Oh.

Jim: Everybeast is silent for a moment.

Gonff: But, er, won't everybeast have left by now?

Martin: (rolls eyes) No.

Jim: How do you know?

Martin: (shakes head despairingly) Plot devices, my friend, PLOT DEVICES.

Brian Jaques: (smiles) Yeah, those are great. Got me out a few tight spots, they did. (sighs happily)

Jim: And with that dramatic and ground-breaking statement, the two argued all the way back to Redwall.

Brian Jaques: What about me?

Jim: You don't even belong in this universe!

Brian Jaques: (sadly) Say it, don't spray it. (mumbles some nonsense then disappears)

Jim: There should be a ban on how many times you can magically disappear and appear in a fanfic.

Lady Storm: The second THAT happens, we're screwed.

Jim: As we enter the abbey grounds in front of the gates, our entourage finds the strip-poker crew standing ashamedly and dejectedly behind a scandalized Abbess Germaine while Martin drags Gonff into view. Yay for run-on sentences!

Gonff: Aaaaah, that did miracles for my back. Thanks, amigo.

Martin: Don't mention - hey! For Pete's sake, don't think you're getting away with this!

Pete: I'm not?

Martin: … (eye twitches)

Pete: Oooookay. (backs away as Amber glares at him)

Martin: (shouting) All right, everybeast! We have a punishment to decide on.

All: (gulps)

Bella: Now hold yer horses one second! I need to visit the little girl's room. (giggles and tip-toes away)

All: …Er… (they all look at each other, disturbed)

Jim: After a few boring moments which consisted of staring at the clouds in an utterly absorbed manner, Bella came into view.

Bella: (steaming mad) I'm back, but let me tell you this; It won't cause brain damage to change the toilet paper roll!

Skipper: Speak for yourself! (points)

Random Otter: (doing the moonwalk) Aheeheehee!

Bella: (shudders) I see.

Martin: Well then, shall we -?

Beau: Wait, wot!

Martin: (eye twitches) What now?

Beau: How come you're a founder, old chap? After all, wasn't Columbine the one beside mother abbess when she sketched out her first idea of Redwall, wot? What did you do?

Columbine: (gulps & looks away)

Martin: (looks around uncomfortably) I wish I could tell you myself…

Gonff: Didn't he slay Tsarmina?

All: (murmur)

Amber: Oh, that was you?

Martin: (glares)

Germaine: (coughs) Because we're trying to waste as much time as possible, I will tell you. Columbine was not one of our founders because she ended up eating the drawing –

Columbine: I WAS HUNGRY ALL RIGHT! GOSH! (runs away crying)

Germaine: …and that left Bella and I. So –

Goody Spike: Why Bella then?

Bella: I'm a frickin' badger, I have to rule over SOMETHING!

All: (rolls eyes)

Germaine: SO we decided to add Martin, because he brought the abbey more publicity.

Martin: Hey!

Bella: Well, it's true the camera adds ten pounds. I was too ashamed to attend the photo shoot!

Martin: I'm a frickin' PUBLICITY prop?

Germaine: Pretty much, yeah.

Martin: D: ( -one of those internet smileys that represent an EXPRESSION OF ANSOLUTE TOTAL HORROR AND DESPERATION)

Amber: Well that's nice. (doesn't care) Any more interruptions we need to get out the way before we reach our dramatic climax?

Jim: You just totally stole my lines!

Amber: Plot device, my friend.

Jim: Sounds familiar.

Random Dude Named As Such Because I'm Too Lazy To Remember Which Characters Are In This Scene: So. Uh. Why are we all talking and wasting time on purpose, doing completely idiotic and illogical things?

All: (give RDNASBITLTRWCAITS a dirty look) Hey, these sort of things are taboo. There are UNSPOKEN RULES, you know.

Lady Storm: Hey, I stuck him in here on purpose, as a convienvient plot tool to explain to the readers what is going on. Have some respect!

Jim: Actually, she stuck him there because her writing sucks so much that a) they wouldn't get it otherwise and b) she's too dumb to even write a proper fic with real paragraphs. She hasn't even touched her other things in about two years. Did you actually expect anything better?

Readers: We have a word for that in 337, and that is: "PWND!111one1! (lolroxorz).".

Jim: Indeed, fabulous vocabulary these days.

Bella: Now I shall go and answer RDNASBITLTRWCAITS' offensive question! It's because we're near the end of the fic, so Stormy over here -

Lady Storm: (gives a feeble wave)

Bella: - Is trying to salvage what's left of this idiotic fic by sticking even more idiotic things in as a last minute attempt to finally explain to everyone what's been going on for the past ... er, actually, the whole story. Oh and to make the fic seem longer and stick anything else in here that she thinks is funny so that people might actually read this thing.

Lady Storm: I sense I am not loved.

Bella: I don't want to have to lie to you sweetie.

Gonff: I've got an interruption!

Goody: Alright, bring it.

Gonff: (clears throat and points dramatically) LOOK! AN OOMPA LOOMPA!

Oompa Loompa: Oompa, loompa, goobledeedoo, don't drag me into this, you piece of poo. (runs away)

Gonff: Aw. (looks down, dejected)

Martin: Alright, can we PLEASE get to Gonff's sentence of impending doom now?

All: Yeah, okay. (they shrug & murmur with each other)

Beau: Hey chaps, it's fiddy cent!

Goody: …Okay, NOT a worthy senseless interruption. Back to-

Beau: No really, it's Fifty!

50 Cent: (Suddenly appears) All I need is a lil' bit, not a lot baby girl just a lil' –

Martin: DEAR GOD, MAKE HIM STOP (pulls out a Glock 26 and shoots him)

50 Cent: Please don't, I'll take you to the candy – (gets shot and dies)

Martin: And put your hat back on, PLEASE!

Jim: Erm… (coughs) The author would like to take a moment to explain that this was just a harmless joke and that fiddy's music doesn't suck that bad. …His hair does though.

Lady Storm: In other words, no offence meant. …You wannabe-rapper-sonnova… (gets dragged away by Jim)

Jim: (calls out from far away) No really, she doesn't mean it.

Lady Storm: (glares)

Martin: You poser, you listen to classical!

Lady Storm: (bursts out into tears) Dear Llama God... I... I SUCK!

Jim: And they all pointed and laughed as she gets dragged away.

Martin: ARE WE QUITE DONE HERE?

Germaine: (checks daily planner) Yeah, sounds right.

Martin: (sighs) Finally. Alright, everybeast in favour of punishing Gonff?

Jim: Everybeast enthusiastically raised their paws.

Gonff: (cries out) You can't do that! I raise your total daily dose of awesomeness by 600 percent!

All: Whatever. (cough) Franken Pierrery rip-off. (another cough)

Martin: Good, now let's get to business. Gonff, give me back my pudding.

Gonff: (looks around uncomfortably) Well, I'd like to, but…

Martin: Are you telling me that you-?

Gonff: Depends. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Martin: (Sighs) Yes, however I shall pretend otherwise.

Jim: So… his punishment?

Gonff: Crap! You HAD to remind him?

Martin: Off with your tail!

Jim: So Martin runs after Gonff, and the rest is history.

All: …

Reader Input: OMFG LIEK WTF SO LAME. You write three chapters and THIS is your grand conclusion?

Jim: You know, authors need love too. I'm starting to actually feel sorry for our poor pathetic Stormy.

Amber: ...

Bella: So, is this it?

Skipper: I guess so...

Beau: Well this sucks, wot.

Goody: It can't end yet!

Jim: Yeah, how about making up another story!

Lady Storm: (pops back into view) Hm. Okay! A chance to make myself useless once again!I'll figure out something-

Random Extra: We already know!

All: Huh?

Random Extra: We read the script. (points and looks at script) In fact, at this moment I'm supposed to squint at the script and say, "we already read the script." Then I must point and look at the script and say, "In fact, at the moment I'm supposed to squint at the script-"

All: Enough!

Lady Storm: No matter. While you were talking, I came up with another brilliant script!

Martin: I feel a headache coming on…

Lady Storm: It'll be a masterpiece! No one will have read anything like it! Not even Brian Jaques himself! I am proud to introduce you to two new characters! First we have our new baddie, Evil Vermin #987, 654, 321.

Evil Vermin #987, 654, 321: Gr.

All: Double-u-tee-eff?

Lady Storm: That's the spirit! Now for our future heroine, who was attacked by Evil Vermin #987, 654, 321 when she was young, sexually harassed by a tree, beaten with a dead swordfish carcass - how cruel, whowould do that! -and will grow up to avenge her parent's death, Sickeningly-Cute-Future-Champion-Of-Redwall-Mouse-Maid!

SCFCORMM: Eek.

EV #987, 654, 321: Gr.

SCFCORMM: Eek eek?

EV #987, 654, 321: Gr gr!

SCFCORMM: Eek! Eek eek.

EV #987, 654, 321: Gr -

All: ALRIGHT, STOP!

Skipper: That actually sounds like all the other Redwall plots…

Brian Jaques: LEAVE ME ALONE!

Goody: Touchy.

Beau: Tell you wot, chap, drop the idea altogether.

Lady Storm: …Yeah, I guess you're right.

Martin: (runs back to join them, panting) So this is the end, huh?

Beau: I guess so, chap. Wot happened to Gonff?

Martin: (evil grin)

Germaine:I'm guessing you don't want anyone to ask why you are carrying a shovel as well…

Martin: (evil laughter)

Jim: Well then. Goodbye sweet viewers! (his voice echoes)

Gonff: (Appears suddenly, in pain, and with questionable body parts absent ) Even I don't find that funny. Give it up.

Fanfiction Universe Police Officer: That's right – I've got a score to settle with a certain author about abusing appearing and disappearing privileges!

Lady Storm: Everybeast run!

Jim: And they all ran, and ran, and ran, and the police officer ended up dying of a fur-induced allergy attack, and they all cheered and danced around his corpse, and all lived illogically after.

Oh yeah, and, you know, I do like classic music. It's nice. However I like hiphop as well, I just needed to rip off something. I know. I am a detestable person. I love you too.

-Lady Storm