Another celebration - the stag night
If a man walking into a bar is funny, is three men walking into a bar three
times funnier? It is when its Harry Potter, and Ronald Weasley taking
Severus Snape out for his stag night. Remus had been sent on ahead to get
the drinks in and make other unspecified arrangements, whilst Harry and Ron
had gone on to Hogwarts to pick up Severus.
They had been firmly admonished to return Snape in more or less the same
condition as they found him. In case there had been any doubt as to what
she meant Hermione had then recited a very long list of things they were
not allowed to do. This included but not was not limited to painting any
portion of Severus purple and leaving him naked in the Forbidden Forest,
taking him to a house of ill-repute for his last night of freedom, spiking
his drinks with a lust potion, and indeed anything that the two of them
might have thought vaguely fun.
She had tucked Severus's hand-knitted scarf more firmly into his jacket,
kissed him on the cheek, and sent him on his way with the words, "Have fun
and remember no strippers!"
Ron had grumbled all the way to the Three Broomsticks that it was going to
be difficult to have fun now that Hermione had banned everything, but he
had cheered up when he saw that the drinks that Remus had ordered were set
out on the table waiting for them.
It took a couple of drinks to break the ice, and it took a couple of
bottles of Firewhiskey before they really thawed. There had been a nasty
moment when Ron had made fun of Severus's scarf, and he had rather
obviously reached for his wand. Hermione's knitting hadn't improved with
time, but NO ONE insulted his fiancé and lived. It had been smoothed over,
largely by the simple expedient of ordering some snacks. Ron was too busy
eating to put his foot in it.
That lasted for a quarter of an hour.
Then Ron, being Ron, was the one to ask the question they were all
wondering but were too polite to ask. Too polite, and too scared of how
Severus would react, and what Hermione would say if she ever found out. And
she was bound to find out. "So," he said, "What's she like in bed then,
Severus fixed him with a deathly glare. Or he would have one if he could
have managed to focus his eyes properly. Instead a perfectly innocent
bystander got the full effect, and rapidly decided that it was time to go
home and spend more time with his family.
Harry intervened uneasily, "That's probably going a bit too far, Ron."
"We are saving ourselves for marriage," Severus said with ponderous
"No," said Ron in shocked sympathy. "But you've been going out for three
years. I thought you'd been going at it like rabbits. Three years", he
breathed in awe.
Harry burst out laughing. "Ron, he's having you on."
"Definitely having you on, Ron. They were very nearly caught in the
restricted section celebrating their engagement, weren't you Severus?"
Remus pointed out.
Severus smirked at the memory. They had managed to get their clothes back
on in time, but their guilty expressions had given them away. Only that
fact that it was the school holidays, and breaking the news of their
engagement had saved them from being read the riot act by Albus.
That and the fact that Albus was still scared of Hermione. Even a post-
coital Hermione with a soppy grin on her face.
She had talked Albus into giving him another pay rise, so that he could
support his wife in the style to which she wanted to become accustomed,
despite the fact that working for the Ministry meant that she earned twice
as much as him.
Apparently, he could expect another pay rise in fairly short order. It had
been 'decided' that he was going to be the first Slytherin Headmaster of
Hogwarts in due course. Minerva had become very nervous when Albus had
talked about retiring in a couple of years. It had taken him several weeks
to drag it out of her - she was worried that Hermione wouldn't be happy if
she became Headmistress, and rather thought she had an eye on the job for
He didn't know the details, but Hermione had taken her on one side and
brokered a deal. Hermione pointed out that Severus would need the next
decade or so for raising a family, and therefore wouldn't want to be
Headmaster just yet. So he would became deputy-Head in Minerva's place and
then Headmaster in his turn when she retired.
He was quite looking forward to it. Even the children, though he would
never admit it in public.
He realised that Ron and Harry were exchanging money again. "I wish you two
would stop betting on my love life," he said.
"I wish you'd stop giving into Hermione so easily," said Ron frankly. "I
can't afford it."
"You know she's had the Restricted Section fantasy for ages, Ron."
Ron grunted. "At least she hasn't managed the detention fantasy yet ." He
took in the look of fond reminiscence on Severus 's face and started
digging in his pocket resignedly. "Not another one."
It had taken Hermione a whole year to admit that she had a detention
fantasy, contrary to what she had said when she had made her move on him.
He had complained that she had lied, only to be told that, "Severus,
everyone has a detention fantasy about you. I wouldn't be surprised if
Harry has a detention fantasy about you."
". Still, you'll be married soon. You'll have to start behaving yourselves.
Everyone knows that married people don't have sex.," continued Ron
"Your mother seemed to manage it," said Severus dryly.
Both Harry and Ron looked faintly queasy at that thought.
"Anyway, that's why we got you a stripper," Ron said skating over the issue
of his mother's sexuality as quickly as possible.
"Hermione won't like it," said Remus.
"Hermione isn't here," Harry pointed out, "And what Hermione doesn't find
out about, won't worry her."
Severus thought that was rather optimistic, but he also knew that he had
resources available to him to placate an annoyed soon-to-be-wife. And he
didn't mean a bunch of flowers.
What the hell, you only got married once.