-1Disclaimer: Don’t own Ranma ½. Rumiko Takahashi does.

Author notes: Man, I’m lazy. I’ve been getting over burnout, so hopefully I can get something done. Chapter 11 people, whoo! Hello to you all, it is I, your author, coming to you from my writer’s desk to inform you that after countless rewrites and my very strong inability to get the opening done right. It was during this time that my muse, well, died. In the meantime while I muse shopped, I rewrote the opening some more and was still dissatisfied with it.

In any event, I finally found my muse and began to write once more, before scrapping the entire thing. In a heated debate with my muse, I finally found inspiration be going in a well, different direction. I wanted an opening that was funny, as opposed to downtrodden by the gloom from my last effort. I just need something, like clowns. Martial arts clowns even, battling a martial arts gymnast to the figurative death.

So here you are.

First I Giveth

Chapter 11 Where Do We Go From Here?

By Marik Kurakashi

Revenge is a theme often explored in fictional work. The vengeance seeker is often rugged, muscular, and dark. These three things, however, could not be used to describe Kouzo or his disciples. They were flabby, out of shape, and wore obnoxiously bright colors.

They were, in a word, clowns. Furthermore, they were a bunch of clowns, in the literal sense. Abused and spat upon by children, they wanted REVENGE on those cursed brats.

But they had, in one sense or another, achieved one of their secret goals.

That goal had been, as silly as it is revenge upon Tendo Akane. Well for one, she had a reputation of being a “Clown Puncher”, a code word amongst those in the biz to denote those children that loved to punch a clown, generally in the nose. It had been a long time coming, but they had gotten their revenge, which had been nothing short of a mugging.

Now they were a dangerous, for clowns anyway, gang on the prowl of the mean streets of Nerima. Looking, and let’s not forget thirsting, for revenge, they continued on their tireless search. They were non-threatening in a certain way, maybe it was the make-up, the baggy pants, or the fact that they pied people.

Of course, in retrospect, it was probably the make-up.

Anyways, this semi-threatening bunch was on the prowl for more victims. Victims who would be subjected to the gang’s clown justice, horrible in some kind of way to be certain. Musabetsu Kakutou Ryu no Bakasawagi, or Indiscriminate Grappling School of Horseplay as it can be rendered, was a fighting style meant for clowns, real ones, to gain a fitting revenge on their tormentors.

Kouzo’s ear perked up when he heard.. something. It was a familiar, hated, sound to the clowns, the peals of laughter ringing through their mind. But this was no ordinary, everyday, average chortle, not by a long shot.

It was the laugh of one Kuno Kodachi.

“My students!” Kouzo exclaimed, his hand shooting up into the air. “Our hour of vengeance is upon us! The Laughing Girl is on the prowl, and for our pride, we will defeat her!”

The other clowns chorused their agreement, rushing off in the direction of the crazy laugh. The citizens of Nerima watched silently as the slightly threatening group of clowns charged of into the afternoon air. After the mad gang of clowns had left, the citizens went back to their activities.

“What a bunch of clowns,” one elderly man quipped, a chorus of agreeing grunt greeting his proclamation.

- - -

“Oh, my darling Ranma-sama,” Kodachi cooed to herself, standing atop a concrete poll, surveying the landscape. “How cruel fate must be to keep us apart.”

Her arms, crisscrossed over her stomach in a manner that pushed her breasts up, hugged the invisible pig-tailed youth. Her mind saw him clearly, a shy smile as he returned her loving embrace. She sighed, wishing her were here now, enjoying this most wondrous of views.

And maybe then she could apologize for showing him that dreadful beast that frightened him so.

In her, admittedly so, twisted mind, this phobia of Ranma made him more attractive. It was a realistic quality to a very unrealistic boy. Now, she would admit to herself that she didn’t know much about him, but she was working on correcting that.

She threw her head back and laughed again, the shrill cackle bouncing off the surrounding buildings. Her laughter was cut short when a pie of all things sailed through the air at her face. A deft club strike sent the tasty desert that was being used for non-tasty methods away.

Oh how that rude person would pay for interrupting her musing about Ranma!

Kodachi daintily leaped from her perch and landed before her apparent attackers. They had numbers, all brandishing instruments of varying danger, but there was something about them that was off. Something that made her want to lapse into laughter again.

“Clowns?” she asked in bemusement.

“Yes, clowns.” Kouzo answered, his bright red nose ruining the menace his scowl was trying to show.

“I have no idea what you plebeians want with my noble personage, but I will advise you to leave while I am feeling merciful.” Kodachi said, pulling out her ribbon and giving it a twirl.

“Not happening,” the head clown growled, readying his bowling pins to strike.

“I see you are as you appear, a clown in both title and intelligence.” the girl said, a maniacal gleam in her eye. “I shall show you the folly of opposing the invincible Black Rose!”

“Get her!” Kouzo yelled, starting the clowns into a frenzied rush at Kodachi.

- - -

A young man was walking along with a friend of his, minding his business when a loud crash resounded from behind him. The blond youth and his friend, a girl, turned their attention towards the noise and were greeted by the sight of a clown flying through the air. The poor clown slammed down face first into the concrete and groaned in agony.

“She’s a demon! A demon!” he moaned, clutching at his face.

“So this is what happened to the chaos,” the girl said, not even looking at the clown.

“I knew it would go somewhere else when I toned it down around the others.” the boy added, shaking his head.

“This is Nerima after all,” she quipped, waggling a finger at the clown, which pushed him out of the road.

“Yeah, that’s right.” he replied, shaking his head as several more clowns ran passed the two, followed by a gymnast laughing her head off.

“Those poor clowns,” the girl said, before turning and resuming her walk.

“Can’t say they don’t deserve it,” her male companion said plainly, falling into stride next to her.

- - -

“By all that is holy, how can this mere girl by so strong?” Kouzo wailed as he watched another of his pupils go airborne.

“Silence, peasant!” Kodachi said, narrowing her eyes. “An attacker should never bemoan the strength of their intended victim!”

“Argh!” the clown yelled, before tossing several Hohoemi Bakudans at her.

“Ha!” Kodachi scoffed as she dodged the bombs. “The clown still posses more tricks does he?”

“You bet I do-ugh!” he started to retort, but was cut off by a club to the face.

“This just might be fun..” Kodachi said, lengthening her ribbon before tossing her head back and laughing uproariously.

- - -

Xian Pu.

The name rattled around in the brain of Elder Khu Lon as she sat in the cargo hold of the plane. Her great-granddaughter’s apparent desertion of her duties as Village Champion had stirred up quite a fuss back home. The other elders were furious, raging about how they should send hunters after their errant champion, as the girl could not be allowed to live after betraying them all.

Of course, Khu Lon was quick to counter that the hunters wouldn’t return alive, as Xian had been both the best warrior and tracker.

It was obvious that the other elders only wanted Xian dead to weaken Khu Lon’s own position. Internally, she had seethed that they would be so cowardly to be that blatant about it. Externally, however, she simply suggested that they send their own personal protégées after Xian if they were so gung ho about killing her.

THAT had gone over about as well as a snowball’s chance to survive in the desert.

So here she was, trailing after her responsibility challenged heir like a common warrior. While many of the other elders would never dream of leaving the village in order to go out amongst the Outsiders, Khu Lon had no qualms about it what so ever. It had been hard to lay down her weapons and accept her cane and status as Elder, as such, she often searched for ways to depart again.

And for Xian Pu, her darling little Great-Granddaughter, this was a fate worse than death.

Not that it mattered, the girl was still young. Her lust for freedom had clouded her eyes to duty and tradition. While the old woman would have no mercy on her fugitive kin, she would not exterminate her.

Khu Lon sighed again, hoping that she wouldn’t have to go looking for Har. Her other apprentice had a habit of being annoying, which often offset her talent. The old woman, already in a foul mood, was planning on giving that stupid girl what fore in regards to her abandoning Mu Tsu in foreign lands.

It seemed she was going to Japan to discipline two of her idiotic apprentices.

The plane touched down at the airport, and Khu Lon was quick to exit the cargo hold before anyone could spot her. Weaving through the crowds unnoticed, she arrived outside the airport and spotted a cloaked figure. The old woman sighed, though her second pupil looked stupid and out of place, at least she was taking effort to hide herself.

“Good of you not to make me come after you, Har.” the elder intoned, continuing on her way with her student in tow.

“Of course, elder. I would not think of missing your arrival here.” the cloaked girl answered, her tone reverent.

“I trust you found Xian Pu?” Khu Lon asked, not bothering to respond to the young woman’s attempt at flattery.

“I have tracked her to a forest a couple kilometers from our current position. She appears to be camping with an elderly Outsider male.” Har reported dutifully.

“Her groom?” the old woman paused, a horrid feeling pulsing through her.

“No,” the young woman was quick to answer, “the groom is apparently of the same age as Xian, and staying at the elder male’s home.”

“Good, good. Let us go and retrieve my great-granddaughter then.”

With that, the two picked up their pace and headed for the forest.

- - -

Saotome Ranma was not a happy camper, obviously the first reason being that he was not actually camping. But the real reason was the fact that his big secret had been discovered by everyone at school. He, the tough martial artist, was afraid of cats.

Of course, the reason for this was an idiotic training method that his father had performed in his zeal at discovering his son’s amazing learning ability. Or so the elder Saotome male would say, but Ranma wasn’t sure how often he’d believe his father on this. After all, if his father truly did care about his son as the man often professed, why did it take the son almost losing his mind for him to stop?

But then, Ranma couldn’t say that he wouldn’t have been as overzealous as his father was.

After all, he knew the horrors of the neko-ken now, so knowing that, he’d be able to make that choice. If he were flying blind like his father, he too might have been seduced by the hyperbola contained within the manual. Not that he’d give the old man a break on it, as it was one of the few things beside Jusenkyo he could easily rail on his father for without much resistance.

Ranma sighed, looking up at the clouds from the roof of the dojo, his need to be away from everyone else taking precedence over everything else. The walk home had been excruciating, filled with painful silence and a nervous want to break it. He just couldn’t think of what to say, or how to say what was necessary to alleviate the two sisters’ feelings on this new development.

So he said nothing, and hoped the girls understood his desire to put this shame behind him.

- - -

Life was not fair to Tendo Akane, but then, that was true for everybody. It was only now that she was feeling really, really cheated by it all. Finally, there was a boy who wasn’t a raging pervert and her sister Nabiki of all people had to get attracted to him. It just wasn’t fair that she had to compete at the home front with her sister, whom many of the boys secretly whispered was far more attractive than Akane herself!

She shook her head, fighting down the jealousy she felt. Her sister was a good person with a rather warped way of handling things. Sure, she did have a tendency of draining her dates dry, but Akane had to respect the way Nabiki drove the dates down the path she wanted them to take.

Which is what made her so apprehensive about the possibility of Nabiki going on one of her dates with Ranma.

Ranma was poorer than dirt in a lot of cases, so that wasn’t her concern here. It was the fact that if Nabiki could make Ranma dance for her like she did all the other saps before, then she could have him doing a whole host of unsavory things. It was enough to make her want to scream sometime, as competing against Shampoo was hard enough for her.

Shampoo was a decent enough cook, affectionate, and very womanly. Akane couldn’t help but feel like a silly little thirteen year-old against a grown woman when she compared herself to the supposedly former Amazon. But at least the fact that Ranma was scared of her a lot of the time made it easy for her to keep up.

The problem now was that Nabiki wasn’t scaring Ranma, which meant that anything that was favorable for the older sister would stay an advantage.

Akane sighed again, looking around her room before going over and picking up her weights. It was an old comfort, a way to focus herself when she was unbalanced by life’s obstacles. Weightlifting was a controllable exercise, something that she could keep from moving out of control too fast.

If only things like love could be like this. Love couldn’t be easy, couldn’t be as simple as lifting weights. All in all, it was up and down like a roller coaster, unlike weightlifting, which was a controlled up and down.

Love was something she would never understand.

Some days, she was sure of how she felt about everyone around her. She wished she could go back to the idyllic days of mooning over Dr. Tofu and beating up the hentais. Go back to that simple time when she had her whole life to decide, and marriage was more of an if than a when.

Then he came, like a hurricane to her delicate house of cards. Saotome Ranma brought many things with him, chief amongst them, his seemingly tactless charm. His brash honesty, his crass nature, and his exceptional martial arts ability wrapped up into one package marked with smirk or mischievous smile.

How much more simple things would be if she didn’t fall for Ranma.

But it wasn’t like she could just go ahead and tell him that she sorta kinda liked him. She had to be certain that he was the right person to give her heart to, least it be trampled on like a piece of unwanted meat. She wasn’t going to just give her heart to someone who might be a passing fancy, like the good doctor was.

Why did love have to mess with her mind so much? Why did every answer come back with a myriad of questions that she couldn’t answer? Why was life no longer allowed to be simple since he came into her world and shook it down with a single compliment?

And why oh why did she have to face off with her devious sibling over something said sibling once professed no desire to have?

- - -

If one were studying moods, one would notice the stark contrast in outward moods between the younger two Tendo sisters. Whereas Akane was outwardly fretting and pacing about, Nabiki was sitting in her room, doing her homework calmly. That isn’t to say that she was getting much of it down now, as her mind was awash with a myriad of concerns.

Ranma’s behavior earlier confused the rational side of Nabiki’s mind. Why was he jumping between Nabiki and Akane like that? What, if any, significance did his actions hold? Was it just a side effect of the cat induced madness?

Or was it something deeper, an instinctual truth that was buried deep within Ranma? If that was the case, it was either buried too deep, or in place his rational mind just didn’t go often enough. But then, if his rational mind couldn’t reach whatever the hell caused his cat side to act like this, did that mean they would have to drive him mad to get him to behave like that all the time?

Nabiki wasn’t sure how she should take that thought, so she pushed from her mind and focused on things.

The more emotional half of her mind, being emotional and maybe a little childish, started off it’s summation of events by calling the rational side a poopy head. After this had past, the emotional side brought forth the argument of the emotions aroused by the Saotome heir. While the rational side scoffed, the emotional side did point out the random spikes in hormones whenever Ranma was breached.

After all, he stirred different emotions in her that had been absent for a while. Love, er Attraction rather, base lust, happiness, giddiness and even a dollop of protectiveness tossed in there when it could sneak on through the veil. The emotional side concluded, based on all the evidence, that Nabiki felt something for Ranma.

What that was, the emotional side concluded, was something for Nabiki to figure on her own.

The rational side scoffed again, bringing up reputation and the potential harm that was done by her affectionately petting Ranma in public. It went on to further suggest that the emotional information was sketchy at best and it would be rather rational to just chuck it out. This, obviously, didn’t sit well with the emotional side, which protested that the rational side liked to do something weird with donkeys.

After Nabiki had thoroughly pounded her head against the desk to rid herself of that image, the emotional side got itself under control. The rational side, obviously put off by that exclamation, simply decided to point out how out of control the emotional side was now a days. It concluded that though there might be some sort of feelings for Ranma, that she should approach it rationally first before going on with any relationship.

Tendo Nabiki was rational, if she was anything… besides being a person.

Nabiki decided to ignore the two different halves of her mind, because what do they know really? This wouldn’t work, if she wanted to find out about her feelings, she would have to confront an old nemesis. It was one that she spent a fair amount of time battling down over the years.

It was, of course, her heart. Besides being reputed for pumping her icy blood, it was supposed to house all of her emotions as well. But it would not be an easy thing to summon up, after all, she ignored that it was even there for the better part of her life.

She hoped that it would answer a few of her questions at least, chief being whether or not the rational side of her mind really did like doing weird stuff to donkeys.

No, no, not THAT one! The one about Ranma and what she felt, about for, whatever. The question that got her to the point that the emotional side made such a ridiculous claim, the question that was making her not do her homework.

Homework for her was important stuff, the sooner it was done, the sooner she could start scheming. A bet here, a scam there, and a little extra pocket money for snacks and other luxury items would be hers. Some people would tell you that it was a very bad thing to be so money hungry, but they were people who probably would do the same schemes she did if it made them a good bit of yen and entertainment.

But enough about that, it’s time to see what wisdom a neglected heart may hold.

‘Hello heart,’ she though, a chibi-Nabiki appearing in front of a great red screen.

‘Oh ho, look who it is,’ the heart pulsed back. ‘Now that you have an emotional dilemma, suddenly I exist again?’

‘You have every right to be mad,’ she thought back, ‘I really shouldn’t have ignored you like I have.’

‘What’s this? The infallible Nabiki Tendo admitting she was wrong?’ the heart pulsed tersely.

‘You’re a part of me too, you know.’ her reply was tinged with annoyance.

‘Oh really? Really I am? Well golly gee, I think I may just stop with joy from that.’ the heart’s reply was laced with bitterness and sarcasm.

‘NO! NO PLEASE! NOT THAT!’ came the frantic reply, the chibi-Nabiki waving her arms frantically.

‘Ack! Hey, no adrenaline toots! Calm down, I was joking.’ the heart pulsed desperately, before the girl did something unseemly in her panties.

‘Ok… Can we please skip the pomp and circumstance and allow me to ask my question so we can go back to our old ways of me ignoring you, and you resenting me for it?’ answered the girl, the chibi-Nabiki now bowing to the symbol of the heart.

‘Yes, yes, get on with it.’ the heart pulsed, a few silent pulses went off to show its annoyance.

‘What do I, rather, WE feel about Saotome Ranma?’ chibi-Nabiki mouthed, staring intently at the heart symbol.

‘Hmmmm…we feel… stuff.’ the heart pulsed after a moment of deliberation.

‘Stuff?’ was the predictably confused reaction.

‘Specifically, we feel that he is sexually exciting, an intellectual curiosity, and a potential friend/business partner/lover.’ the heart pulsed, clarifying its previous answer.

‘But, do we love him?’ came the urgent response.

‘Love? Not right now. Is it a strong like? Yes. But more info on the young Saotome will be needed for further analysis. The capacity and potential is there, but if it is reached will take time.’ the heart answered, pulsing rapidly.

‘Thanks heart. You know, we should do this more often.’ the response came, the chibi-Nabiki waving with a huge smile on her face.

‘Yes, we should. Oh and Nabiki?’ the heart pulsed once more.

‘Yeah?’

‘The emotional side of us spend all day imbibing a whole host of hormones. It would likely tell you that that eating a certain kind of cheese after five is a sign of lesbianism if it thought you would listen.’

‘Oh. Right, thanks for the advice. Bye heart!’

‘Bye, Nabiki.’

Nabiki sat back, drained from the pow-wow with her heart. It had given her a great deal of insight into how she felt, but hadn’t outright answered the questions presented. At least, not in a way that satisfied her.

She stretched, deciding that a snack would be in order to help reign in her focus. Her mind would settle itself like it always did, but an empty stomach is an unhappy stomach. As she went, she couldn’t help but go back over some of the tings she had learned from the heart.

“But what if eating that kind of cheese after five really was a sign of lesbianism?” she muttered to herself as she walked out of her room. “Would explain a few things about some of the girls at school.”

- - -

Ranma sighed to himself as he jumped down from the roof, landing lightly on his feet as he had done so may times before. His rest on the roof did nothing but stir up his appetite. Heading inside, he hoped he could swipe a quick snack before Kasumi caught him.

At the same time, Nabiki was now making her way down to the kitchen. Her own internal monologue had awaken her stomach to desire a snack as well. So caught up in her desire to sneak, she wasn’t watching where she was going.

Which is why she literally ran into Ranma, who being surprised, fell back, dropping the middle Tendo down on top of him.

‘Well,’ she thought sarcastically to herself, ‘I did want to get on top of everything concerning Ranma, I didn’t mean it literally!’

‘Oh this is just great,’ Ranma thought bitterly, ‘I wonder who’s going to show up to catch us like this?’

“What was that?” Kasumi’s voice wafted in from another part of the house she had been cleaning.

The two downed people began to scramble in an effort to untangle themselves. This of course had the effect of tangling them more, since the effort wasn’t anywhere near coordinated. Thus, the two were still on the floor, this time Ranma on top of Nabiki, both wiggling in an odd manner.

“Oh… oh my!” Kasumi exclaimed as she came into the room, happening on the sight of what looked like Ranma dry humping Nabiki.

“It’s not what it looks like!” Ranma yelled, still trying to get free from the odd tangle their legs were in.

“Definitely!” Nabiki agreed, wiggling in a counter-productive manner towards her goal of freeing herself.

“Alright, stop!” Kasumi commanded, seeing that the two were only impeding the other from escaping the tangle.

Both of the tangled teens stopped.

“Okay, now Ranma, and Ranma only, pull left leg away from Nabiki’s right.” the eldest Tendo sister instructed.

Ranma’s left leg became free from the tangle.

“Now Nabiki, move your left leg away from Ranma’s right.” Kasumi said patiently.

Their legs were no longer tangled.

“Now stand up Ranma.”

Ranma got to his feet, upon which he helped Nabiki up.

“Now wasn’t that simple?” Kasumi said, smiling and clapping her hands together.

“Yeah, it was.” Ranma said, briefly looking into Nabiki’s eyes before looking away.

“Sure was, sis.” Nabiki said, puzzling over the look she got just now.

“Now, what were you two up to before you wound up tangling limbs, hmm?” Kasumi asked, hands clasped, leaning forward just a tad.

“Err..” Ranma started, avoiding Kasumi‘s gaze.

“Hoping to sneak a pre-dinner snack?” Nabiki finished sheepishly.

“Oh, ok then. There are some leftovers in the fridge you can heat up.” Kasumi answered, turning around and going back to whatever she was doing before.

The pair watched Kasumi leave, feeling slightly embarrassed for sneaking around and getting tangled up like that. An awkward silence passed, as they tried to think of something, anything to say. After a minute, Nabiki coughed and got Ranma’s attention.

“Yeah?” he asked, looking her in the eye yet again before turning away.

‘What is with that?’ she thought, before filing that away for later. “How about we go over our training regiment while we eat our snacks?”

“S-sure,” he said, rubbing the back of his head. “Sounds… fun.”

The pair made their way to the kitchen, unmindful of anything else. Had they been paying attention, they would have noticed the panda on the porch stealthfully watching the two. As it were, the panda had a huge grin on its face, seemingly pleased with what it saw.

“That’s my boy!” the sign grasped in the panda’s paw read, which was dropped as the panda proceeded to perform a dance of joy… or maybe it was just having a seizure.

End Chapter 11

Hohoemi Bakudans : Smiling bombs

Teaser for Chapter 12:

“Xian Pu.” the cloaked girl uttered, a feral smile lurking under the shadows of her hood.

“Har Karu, you is Shampoo’s enemy! Though Great-Grandmother teach us both, you is one who shall never learn!” the lavender haired girl growled back, her bonbori appearing in her hands easily.

“Ho now, what is this?” Soun asked, placing a hand on Shampoo’s shoulder.

“She Har Karu, one I warn lost boy about. She puppet fighter, no hold passion for the purity of war arts, only for toadying up to Elders.” Shampoo replied, her venom all but dripping from her chin.

“I see, she must wear that cloak to cover up her brown nose.” the Tendo Patriarch mused, rubbing his chin.

“You’ll pay for that old man! Once I beat this rogue down, I’ll have plenty left for you.” Har said, taking a peculiar stance.

“You is all talk and no action!” Shampoo said, rushing forward to strike at her foe.

“Oh that’s a good one, you coward. At least I would never run from my responsibilities.” the cloaked warrior girl snapped back, blocking the blow with curious sickle-like weapons.

“Shotels?” Soun said in shock, being that Shotels were generally a Middle Eastern weapon.

“Har Karu, you is one Shampoo can never forgive!” Shampoo screamed, throwing a quick swing.

Har blocked it.

“You is one Shampoo hate most!” another swing.

Another block intercepted it.

“You is one Shampoo always consider eternal enemy!” a vicious kick lashed out for the other girl’s midsection.

The kick slipped through her guard and nailed Har hard in the stomach.

‘S-she’s gotten faster!’ Har thought, her weapons drooping. ‘And stronger!’

“HAR KARU, FOR YOU CRIMES, SHAMPOO KILL!” Shampoo charged with a mighty thrust, one that could easily carry through with that promise.

‘That girl… she can’t stop it!’ Soun thought in horror, sure that he was about to see the mysterious girl’s demise.

Author notes: I’m done with this chapter, maybe I’ll get twelve done before 2008. Stay frosty.