Well, here goes with wrapping this thing up. (And trying to make sure I've tied up all the loose ends...) Thanks for all the reviews, again!

Week Nine

Cyclonus's Journal

Day 57

I asked Starscream about this sister of his, but he just keeps saying he hasn't got one. Huh! Can't explain all the messages, though. Megatron wants to know what's going on now, too. He doesn't think it's funny, but whatcha expect?

Crumplezone reckons I'm starting to do better on the human-snatching thing, but my head still hurts from being zapped. Demolisher's booked me in with something called 'Kidnappers Anonymous'. It actually sounds like it could be fun.

Local Events Report

(From the Minicon news board in the Autobot base)

For those of you who don't know what you missed, I went along to the 'Femmebot Support' meeting Nightfang set up (yeah, her again, but to give her credit, at least she stopped whining and actually did something this time). If I remember right, the others there were Sureshock, Firebot, the Sonic Assault Team, Jolt, Stormcloud and Tidal Wave. Anyone who got the invite should have seen the great farking essay on whether or not you counted as a femmebot, but it was pretty crap, so fair enough if you didn't understand it, Jolt: you're excused. Stormcloud was there as some kind of political protest, so he's let off, too. You, Firebot, had Makeshift to explain it to you, so if anyone should've got it right, it's you. If you're gonna try and sneak into a party like that, next time you've gotta at least pretend to be the right kind of guy.

So, Paws welcomed us, then said she wasn't expecting to see so many of us (I'll bet she wasn't). She asked us if we wanted to share our experiences as femmes with each other and if we'd ever been discriminated against and stuff like that. Of course, everyone had – just not for the reasons she was interested in, I think. She kept asking how we handled being treated different for being femmes. (I think the kid still hasn't figured out she's not among humans any more.)

There wasn't much of a party in the end, unless you count most of us getting caught up in the story swapping (yeah, Refute, you missed out there: it was your kinda thing) and the drinking – and Sparkplug, stop playing opera music around Jolt. It's rubbing off. Someone needs to buy Stormcloud a drink for coming up with the idea of throwing him into the lake, Tidal Wave for helping throw Nightfang into the lake, Falcia for suggesting we throw her in, and Firebot and Falcia for slinging Jolt in every time he looked like he was gonna sing again. Someone needs to buy me and Combusta a drink, just because we're great.

Laserbeak's Journal

(Day 57)

I feel like slag, my head is pounding (and it's the wrong shape, too; it looks gross) I got no rest last night and I can't eat properly, but that's not the worst bit.

I like to think I'm pretty observant. I'm a camera-bird: it's my job to notice every little detail around me. And I used to think I was good at it. But obviously, this is not the case. Until today, it had somehow escaped my notice how much humans leak.

Oh, Primus, do they leak. All the time. And even more when they're sick. Alexis says I have the 'flu', so it's worse, but I can't imagine leaking half as much as this every day. Every. Single. Port. Leaks. At different times, for different reasons, but still. Even the skin leaks.

Traumatised? Yes, yes I am. Happy, now, universe? Can I have my body back, please?

Cyclonus's Journal

Day 58

I can't remember much of what we did today: we found a load of gunk in one of the hangars and had to clean it out, which should have been really boring, but I feel pretty good anyway. Weird.

(Day 58)

Starscream was missing all day; I imagine he was sulking again. One obsessive lunatic claims I brainwashed him and he goes off in a huff. Bad enough that she set Wheeljack off in a mood by claiming to have the same story as him. (Where this idea comes from that I go around saving Autobots and recruiting them to my elite forces is a mystery to me. I only did it once, and virtually no-one's supposed to know about that.) I must contact Skywarp about her…

Despite all this, I'm rather pleased with the day's work. We finally discovered the cause of our troubles – the bouts of two-dimensionality, Cyclonus's addiction, the incompetence and mental instability… all because there was a hangar full of Fluff, some of which had been scattered through the base in the crash; the rest would have started drifting through the vents after the ventilation system (with the air) was installed. Though not in itself immediately harmful, Fluff is a powerful mind-altering substance; presumably the Minicons were planning to use it for some kind defence.

It doesn't explain anywhere near most of the odd events, of course, but it's good to be rid of one source of trouble. We cleaned the hangar out; inevitably, some of it got to us. It went straight to our processors, of course: I seem to recall discussing Starscream and a unanimous vote to arrange a family reunion for him (whether this was the fluff or natural malice speaking is questionable). Someone composed messages to Thundercracker and Skywarp (allegedly from Starscream) inviting them to a reunion.

Of course, now I come to think of it, Thundercracker… disappeared… quite some time ago, so there was no point in sending him an invitation. Ah, well. Minor errors.

Laserbeak's Journal

(Day 58)

Primus, have I mentioned I love you? I'm back to my old self (literally) and it feels fantastic! I'm going to go find a mirror and preen for a few hours.

Cyclonus's Journal

Day 59

Skywarp sent a message about the invitation we sent him. He said sorry, but he can't come unless he gets the OK from his superiors, and even then he'd have trouble getting here. And he has to catalogue his shrapnel collection urgently. And if he forgot himself and sent some kind of bomb instead of a present, it's not his fault because there's a lot of temporary amnesia going round on Cybertron right now.

There was a box with the message. I left it outside Starscream's door.

Starscream's Log

(Day 59)

My self-designated 'sister' won't stop calling. Cyclonus won't stop giggling. My mind won't stop flashing back to nauseating scenes involving the humans and I don't know how to stop angsting. Did I mention my new stalker is driving me insane?

Any more of this – any more – and I swear, I'll have no option but to fake my own death.

And I do mean 'fake', not 'achieve', the way certain people seem only too eager to help me with. (Just what I need: a slagging great hole in the door.)

Cyclonus's Journal

Day 60

I heard Starscream recording his entry yesterday and he said something about his own death. So I don't think I'll tell him about Skywarp finding the stalker today and killing her. He might cheer up and call it off.

We found a load of Fluff stuffed in one of the walls. The sausage (hadn't seen that in a while) is using it as a nest. We were gonna clear it out, but Wheeljack reckons it keeps the little slagger friendly, so we closed the panel up again and left it alone. At least that's one thing explained: I never knew sausages hibernated before.

Sideways' Report

(Day 60)

For a converted asteroid, this base isn't half bad. I've captured whatsherface, and strung her up on the wall. (It seemed like the right thing to do.) Now she keeps shouting at me to let her go (why she's wasting her energy like that, I couldn't say) until I knock her out. That's enjoyable enough, of course, but Fate had better get on and sort out the paperwork so I can kill her. She reckons there's a rescue party coming – and as much as I hate to say it, she may be right. (Last Minute Clauses and such, it says.) Even we can't get past bureaucracy.

Prime's Log

(Day 60)

Sadly, poor Nightfang's been abducted by Sideways, and we have no idea where to. She's probably dead again. Oh well.

Of course, Hot Shot's suddenly gone deranged and demanded we go rescue her, but my newly-restored SPS tells me that this would be the greatest mistake of my life (and I've made a few). I told him bluntly that it wasn't worth bothering, but he seemed so upset I took pity on him and said he could go if he liked. Now he's gone haring off to find her. It's only a matter of time before he falls over a cliff or runs into a wall and knocks himself unconscious, tearing about like that. It'll keep him out of trouble, I suppose.

Cyclonus's Journal

Day 61

When I get back to base, I'm hitting my bunk and not getting up 'till Demolisher makes me. I went to the Kidnappers Anonymous meeting and it was pretty fun, even if it was half full of squishies. Like, there was one guy who said he was Sideways from another universe, and he talked about how he couldn't stop catching humans and turning them into robots. Then another guy –like a human-size robot – said it knew exactly what he meant, only with Cybermen. And they wound up hugging. It's a good thing they didn't mind if you laughed (they had a whole room for mad laughter, seriously), 'cause I did it a lot.

And then there was a cream and purple guy who walked in before he realised he was in the wrong room. The organiser gave him directions to Geocides Anonymous. Wonder what that is?

Bleh, tired…

(Day 61)

-suppose if this transmission gets through, the others will know what happened if I don't return, at least. Anyway:

Somehow I've gone from assembling the Hydra Cannon (and wondering how I could mislay Skyboom and the Star Sabre) to being kidnapped by the Requiem Blaster. Suddenly it's learned to fly and wants me to go and help Sideways do something, because it's my destiny, I think. And here I thought the Space Team were physicists, not mystics.

Normally, of course, I wouldn't mind being told about my destiny. But the fact they feel it necessary to force me to it at gunpoint is… somewhat less than reassuring.

Cyclonus's Journal

Day 62

I was coming back into the base yesterday, when I saw Thrust flying off with the Requiem Blaster, so I went after him to see what was going on (he wouldn't answer his comlink). He was going too fast for me: I just about managed to follow him to some asteroid. He went inside these caves and I sneaked after him. (Yeah, I'd make a good stealth 'copter.)

Thrust was arguing with Sideways and the Blaster (hey, that's what it looked like: the gun was floating on its own!) and that Autobot jet – the black one – was hung up on the wall. I was gonna sneak over and kick her a bit (all the trouble that brat's given me's gotta be worth some payback) when Hot Shot ran in (from the other side of the room). He came outta nowhere and charged at Thrust 'n' Sideways. So then I was gonna shoot him¸ but that combiner- Perceptor – leapt out and clobbered him. I'm not joking! He hit Hot Shot over the back of the head with the Star Sabre, then turned round and yelled at me to help get the Autobot out of there.

Hey, you argue with a scary Minicon guy waving a sword!

So I spent half the night carrying a napping Autobot and a bunch of Minicons down to Earth and then bringing the Star Sabre back to base. Then Starscream caught me coming in and wanted to know what I was doing with the sword. I got lucky: the Minicons transformed and glomped him on the face, so I ran for it.

And that's my report. So Demolisher, just read this and don't wake me again. A guy's gotta get some recharge in, y'know…

(Day 62)

What a waste of time. If that was my destiny, it certainly wasn't worth all the work I've put into it. Never mind, there'll be others.

All they wanted was my help in terminating a prisoner - hardly a difficult task, now, is it? I thought I heard Hot Shot yell at one point, but if he was there, he's dead by now. The prisoner self-destructed while I was arguing with Sideways. The entire asteroid was reduced to pebbles; if the Race Team hadn't combined and flown in front of us, we wouldn't have fared much better. As things went, I had Sideways smeared all over me (an amazing self-defence reflex: shifting to goop mode) on the way back to base, and I didn't dare warp in after he re-materialised (coming in with a pair of super-weapons and our least popular enemy: not how I want Megatron to catch me).

Oh, and he went on about us making a great team and how we should all work together more often (the damn Minicons kept agreeing with him just to annoy me, I'm sure). I think he hit his head in the explosion.

(Day 62)

All that trouble, and Nightfang does our job for us (kinda what she was trying to do all along, huh). I can still hear her last words about destroying Unicron, no matter what. And I still can't stop wondering how she couldn't tell the difference between Unicron and the common asteroid.

Of course, then she tried to use her super unexplained powers and got blown apart, thanks to our 'modifications'. Like we wouldn't take precautions against those?

So now things are back on track and we're back to being wired into the Decepticons' new toy. If we hadn't got built-in video games last week, I think Dirt Boss would've driven us all nuts by now.

Cyclonus's Journal

Day 63

Ever felt like something really important's happened and nobody's noticed?

I mean, I kinda thought the stuff I saw the other day might be important, but no-one's even bothered reading the report; Megatron and Thrust haven't stopped running around making us work (I heard we're nearly ready to take off). If they catch me doing this instead of checking the engines, I'm fragged.

Eh, who cares? It's all over now, anyway: we're gonna leave this stupid planet behind in a couple of hours.

Forget about this mudball; we're going home!

Aw, slag: Wheeljack's coming. Back to work!

From here on, the personal logs of the persons involved reflects fully the official records. The events surrounding the end of the war are well documented and well known; anyone needing to refresh their memory can examine the records to their spark's content.

The story as told here, of course, is not complete: it remains for me to tie up the loose ends and provide a few (possibly relevant) points of interest for the reader.

The circumstances and conditions of Starscream's death have been a subject of fascination, speculation, analysis and heated debate ever since the event itself. No doubt the extracts from his personal logs included here will only fuel the discussion, particularly the statements in his entry for day 59.

Contacting Hot Shot, he informed us that he did, eventually, track down the mech who sold him the faulty memory blocks; as investigation by this mech and Red Alert showed nothing wrong with the blocks, he was unable to claim compensation.

A couple of years after the end of this record, official news sources reported the successful conclusion of the peace process on Vector, following lengthy negotiations by a diplomatic team headed by Murkfoil, a distinguished member of the Cybertronian Diplomatic Corps. I believe this adequately matches the conditions of the prophecy issued by Oraclear – and so do they: their entire staff came out of hiding afterwards to claim credit for it.

The sausage is believed to be hibernating on Earth's moon, if it hasn't starved to death. No evidence has been found to suggest that it followed the Decepticons onto their ship when they left.

The Minicon Shortstraw successfully made a new life for herself on Earth. At the time of writing, she is believed to be running a fish-and-chip shop (see glossary) on the Terran continent of Europe, as well as some small-scale smuggling activities on the side. She is also being sought by local law enforcement, charged with angling without a licence.

Cyclonus himself is of course alive and well, and agreed to the publication of this report in exchange only for a share of any profits made as a result, and that I call Hot Shot a slag-sucking moron at some point.

I hope that this report proves useful and (possibly) enlightening to its readers, and I'd like to thank Armourhide for his editorial advice.

-Laserbeak, Cybertronian Intelligence Division