A/N: ffnet screwed up the reviews ne. But luckily, I think the system's alright now though and ch13's reviews are not lost (thankfully!)

Love…the Strength to Live and Die

- Fourteen -

A collective gasp echoed throughout the meeting room. Ryu-sensei immediately jumped to his feet as he shifted his gaze from Sanzo to Hakkai. "But…but Sanzo-san! You cannot do this!"

Violet eyes narrowed exasperatedly. "I can and I just have. My mind is made-up and no one can do anything about it. This meeting is now officially over. Fuzhi-san, if you can be so kind as to follow me back to your new office."

"But Sanzo-san!"

The blonde had no wish to hear anymore protest. Instead he stood up and headed out of the room. Ryu-sensei could only gape at the man who had just appointed him as the next director. He slumped back down into his chair and turned to look at Hakkai who was looking somewhat displeased, a slight frown etched upon his brow. "Hakkai-san, what had just happened?" The others present at the meeting, too, echoed the same question.

Hakkai issued a thin smile. "I believe it is just as what you all have heard. Sanzo has relinquished his position to Fuzhi-san. I should congratulate you, Fuzhi-san, on your appointment."

But Ryu-sensei looked far than happy. "But surely, Hakkai-san, this is too short a notice. Are you aware of this yourself?"

A momentary flicker of aggravation burned in the green eyes. "I can't say I have. This was one of the problems I had with Sanzo earlier this week, if you recalled Fuzhi-san."

Ryu-sensei nodded his head. "Aa, I remember now. But shouldn't he have your approval as well?"

"Not really," Hakkai answered slowly. "This establishment was the brainchild of Sanzo's after all. I'm just helping him out." He smiled then. "Daijobu, Fuzhi-san. You have my approval as well. You've been with us since we started this establishment so think of it as our appreciation for your dedication and friendship." He directed an expectant gaze to the rest who simultaneously nodded their agreement.

"That is not the issue, Hakkai-san," Ryu-sensei argued forlornly. "It's my pleasure and honor to have work under the both of you. Your trust in me is enough an appreciation. But this is happening too fast! I know he spoke about the doctor's recommendation for him to stay away from much stress but Sanzo-san—excuse for me for saying this—isn't the type who takes advices seriously."

"Time makes people change," Hakkai said quietly, more to himself. He stood up then, a somewhat determined look crossing his features. "Sadly, Fuzhi-san, I can't do anything much about this anymore. Sanzo has already made up his mind. And I think it is best that we just follow his wishes."

Though he was still unhappy with the decision, Ryu-sensei nevertheless nodded his head in understanding. "If that's that, I have nothing more to say." He stood up again and bowed deeply to the brunette. "Please give me your guidance!"

"I look forward to working with you, Fuzhi-san. But right now, you better attend to Sanzo while the rest of us should proceed back to work."

Murmurs of agreement and the sound of chairs being pushed back resonated. Once everyone had left the room, Hakkai looked out of the window from which there was a strategic view of the two-storey house that was his and Sanzo's. His eyes narrowed somberly as the incident from the night before started to replay in his mind.

"Gonou…"

Tried as he could, he was unable to stop the knife called annoyance from stabbing him. He did not turn to her as he usually did, settling instead for a nod of his head. A tinge of guilt pricked him but it was not enough. He could no longer hold the frustrations that had built up within him. At first, he had appreciated her company and the words of comfort she provided him but as the days and nights passed, he found himself slowly losing patience; probably because he knew there was not much time left and the grudge he thought he had completely sealed had re-surfaced.

"How are you today?"

The same question. He was getting tired of it. No, he was getting tired of everything. It was time he stopped thinking about others and let out his frustrations for once. Slowly he turned to her, eyes narrowing sharply.

"I seem to sense something I couldn't quite explain. You have something to ask me, don't you?"

"Can you feel hurt, pain or sadness, Kanan?" he asked in a strangely low voice.

She cocked her head to one side, smiling as she did so. "No, I can't. All I can do is sense."

"That's good. I need to ask you a question or two and if you don't have emotions, all the better." She was still smiling, as if oblivious to the turmoil inside of him. "Why did you kill yourself that day when I came to save you?"

Her smile loosened slightly but she did not seem to be disturbed by the question. "I had told you before that I had the monster's baby growing inside of me."

"That's not good enough, Kanan…"

She gazed at him, her eyes seemingly blank. Finally she nodded; a sign of her acquiescence. "When I first learned about it, I knew then that I'd rather die than give birth to the sign of my violation. I also knew that even if I lived, there was no way you and I could be happy together. But I figured since I was already a captive, I had no reason to worry about us. I had been trying to figure out ways on how I could abort the baby. But when you came for me, I see my biggest fear coming true. I was tainted, Gonou, and no longer suited for you. You are beautiful and pure…"

"Beautiful and pure?" he cut in harshly, eyes shining like a crazed man. "I spent two months tracking you, Kanan, armed only with a small knife and my resilience to get you back and kill those bastards that took you away! I bathed in the blood of 999 youkais before I found you at long last. I was certain that whatever had happened during those two months would be nothing more than a bad dream. But you had to kill yourself, leaving me to be haunted by the sins I had made because of you!"

"Gonou…"

His lips had curved into a malicious grin. "Beautiful and pure, Kanan? After you killed yourself, the son of Hyakugan Maoh, Chin Isou, came. He taunted me, Kanan, and told me the legend of a human who would turn into a youkai when soiled with the blood of 1000 youkais. But it was not a legend, Kanan…"

He trailed off, gazing intently at the female spirit who was the first person he had ever loved. For her, he had sacrificed but only to be deserted in the end. Slowly he raised his left hand and gingerly fingered all three ear cuffs, feeling the suppressed power under the smoothness. "Beautiful and pure, Kanan?" he repeated for the third time. "Chin Isou's blood made sure that was no longer possible." In one swift motion, he peeled the three cuffs off his ear and doubled over.

His transformation was still an agonizing process though not as much during the time of the Minus Wave. His blood began flowing faster and his heart thumped wildly. A burning sensation at his ears indicated that they were stretching out. The same burning sensation tingled all over his body as the green vine imprints that defined him surfaced from beneath his skin. His gums and fingertips throbbed before four canine teeth and nails elongated and there was a pounding effect at the back of his eyes as the green irises lightened and pupils narrowed. With a strangled cry, he got off the bed and slumped to the floor on his knees.

A few austere seconds passed before he finally looked up, his now cat-like eyes fixed adamantly upon the spirit looking down at him expressionlessly still. He slowly got up to his feet, body aching as if stung by a swarm of bees. "Is this what you call beautiful and pure?" he growled, voice several notes lower. "For your sake, this is what I've become." He pounded his chest then for added emphasis. "I did it all for you, Kanan. I just wanted to get you back. But you left me!"

He stretched out a hand towards her, talons curving out threateningly. "And so it is only fair that I blame you for the predicament I'm in right now!"

She stared at him and he glimpsed what looked like contrition. "I don't know what to say, Gonou…"

The words jolted his conscience. He lowered his hand and head, feeling somewhat guilty for his outburst. "Just tell me one thing, Kanan. Did you kill yourself because you thought it would be the best for us?"

A lengthy silence ensued before a one-word answer was given.

A knock on the door woke Hakkai out of his stupor. He looked over his shoulder to find Ryu-sensei looking at him anxiously. Frowning, he hurried towards his new co-director. "What is it, Fuzhi-san?"

"It's nothing much but I thought you might want to know. During my talk with Sanzo-san, he was coughing quite a bit though it looked as if he was trying his best not to."

"Where is he now, Fuzhi-san?" Hakkai demanded.

"He's gone back home. But I did see him talking to the pageboy so I could only guess that he was calling for the doctor. Is there…something wrong?"

Hakkai smiled thinly. "Not that I know of. Well, anyway, thank you for telling me, Fuzhi-san."

~ tbc ~

'Tis one of my fave chaps, namely because I get to write on youkai Hakkai! Which has not been given much exposure in Saiyuki fandom and it is sad cuz it is part of him—a link between his present and past. About the grudge he has towards Kanan, I seriously believe in that cuz I think it's an inevitable trait, be you're a human or youkai (though it's not really Kanan's fault—it's Fate after all). And with all the frustration building up around him, it can't be helped that this grudge is let loose. And about Kanan's speech, well, I'm sure most girls/women can relate to it ya? *crossing fingers*

Ok…I'm being too philosophical now…gotta stop!

Thankz motivators:

Shin—Gomen ne for upsetting you so much yet you still come back. Thank you so much! ^_~

Jellybubble—Welcome! Thank you for your support ne!

Blades of Ice—Daijobu. Hakkai was just tired, that is all ^-^

thiel—I'm not telling…hehe…

Bakasaru Boi—Ah, glad that you noticed that line about Kanan. See where it fits in this chap? ^_~

Anthey Oom—Yup, Hakkai shall be strong! Hehe…