A Day in the Life of Ryo Hazuki

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You know what? Shenmue's great to write humour fanfics about. And I'm in a good mood, so... I'm writing one!

I do not own Shenmue. Yu Suzuki and the awesome AM2 Team do!

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The clock hands moved swiftly around, the second hand inching ever closer to the 12. It would not be long before it was 8:30 and a fairly strong smelling object would arise. Actually, strong smelling was a little bit of an underestimation, considering that this particular young Japanese man never washed or changed his clothes. However, he did not care. Ryo Hazuki had the world record for the longest time wearing a plaster on his face, but he simply did not care.

At last, the minute hand arrived at the number '6' and the alarm clock started to jangle loudly, silenced by a hand slamming down onto it. Any sane person, especially a teenager in high school, would have looked at the time, decided it was too early to get up and gone back to sleep, but of course Ryo was far from sane. He didn't even bother to go to school either.

Ryo quickly got up and slung on his stinky brown leather jacket, of course not bothering to change his clothes. He had worn them for the past few weeks, but like I said, Ryo did not care. He picked up his notebook and expertly flipped it to the last page he had written in, noting what he had to do that day.

Then Ryo pocketed the book and walked out into the corridor, closing the door behind him. His first destination was the kitchen, and there he found an elderly woman named Ine standing in front of a cooker.

"Ine-san," Ryo spoke, standing behind her. The table was not set, but when was it ever set? Ine sure did a lot of cooking, considering that there was never anything on the table save a couple pots. The fridge had not been refilled since he had pilfered it of the lone bottle of milk, which meant he had to buy his own food now.

"Ryo-san." Ine looked over her shoulder although she was not looking at him but at the wall as a lot of people tended to do so, strangely enough. "I do not wish to meddle but please take a bath... you stink!"

"I can't take a bath." Ryo broke his rule of speaking only to ask questions. "There is no bath in this house so how can I take a bath?" Okay, so he asked a question after all.

"Buy a bath then." Ine looked back at the cooker and stared at it. Ryo made a face at her back and turned away, but Ine was not yet finished. "Also, do try and make more of an effort to be as back as early as possible."

As Ryo left, he made a mental note to come back home as late as possible. He was getting a bit sick of Ine. Last night Ryo had come back at about 10:00 and Ine had been on the verge of beating him up. Ryo considered leaving his bedroom window open in future so that he would have a new route.

As Ryo left the house, he remembered to take the money lying on the dresser, and then he headed towards the dojo where he would surely find Fukuhara.

"Fuku-san?" Ryo poked his head into the dojo and screamed as his head was nearly dislocated by a flying foot. "FUKU!" The foot was followed by a flying Japanese man about Ryo's age. "...san..." finished Ryo, so that nobody would think he had swore. It wasn't his fault Fuku was pronounced 'fook' after all.

"Ryo!" Fukuhara collapsed in a heap on the floor and looked at Ryo adoringly. "Do you want to practise with me?"

"No!" Ryo grimaced. Then his face went ashen as he realised he had forgotten to bow before entering the dojo. "NO! I FORGOT TO BOW!"

"Oh no!" Fukuhara wailed. "Now the flesh eating mononokes will come and get you!"

"There are no mononokes, don't be so stupid," Ryo said scathingly, praying that nobody would come and arrest him for forgetting to do his traditional bowing act before entering.

"But what about other youkai, then?" Fukuhara's eyes went huge. "They are very scary, Ryo, stay away from them!"

"I don't believe in youkai, oni, or any other kind of demons," Ryo stressed, turning around to leave. "By the way, do you know of any nightclubs around here? Especially the ones with dope parties."

"No, Ryo, why?" Fukuhara looked shocked. "Ryo! Don't go, I can't let you become a junkie!" He leapt forwards and wrapped his arms around Ryo's leg, whimpering. "You can't go to rave parties!"

"It's part of my quest," Ryo lied. Fukuhara relaxed, but did not let go. "I am looking for a man who is into cannabis, he may be able to give me some information."

"Is he linked to the men who killed Hazuki-sensei?"

"Yes."

"DON'T GO!"

In the end, Ryo had to bash Fukuhara unconscious with a well aimed blow to the head and the stricken Fukuhara collapsed. Ryo hurriedly escaped, practically flying through the gate and slamming it behind him. Then he tripped over the ginger cat that liked to hang out near the Hazuki Residence in the morning.

"Stupid cat!" Ryo cursed as he ran down the road, his face smarting where he had landed. It was not long before he heard a mewing sound so he turned and walked up to a shrine where a certain little girl named Megumi was standing in front of a box with a kitten inside.

"Megumi," Ryo greeted her, amazed at her patience which let her stand in front of the box all the time. But he supposed it was because she cared for the kitten.

"Hiya, Ryo!" Megumi exclaimed, turning to him. "Guess what! I've decided on a name for the kitten!"

"Really?" Ryo pretended to look interested. "What?"

"I'm going to call her Tama!" Megumi declared.

"Very nice." Ryo tossed some fish into the box and Tama leapt at the fish, gobbling it up with her voracious appetite. Ryo wondered how often Tama was fed.

"Wow, she's eating!" Megumi was yet again acting as if she had never seen Tama being fed before. "Thanks, Ryo!"

"No problem." Ryo boredly turned away and then he headed out of Yamanose, into Sakuragaoka. As usual, there was nothing to do in Sakuragaoka. He decided to head into Abe's store to buy milk.

"Hello, little suede-haired Ryo!" The shopkeeper greeted Ryo.

"Please don't call me that." Ryo picked up a bottle of milk.

"Okay, baby boy Ryo!" said the shopkeeper cheerfully.

"And don't call me that either." Ryo grumpily bought the milk and once he was outside, he looked at the capsule machines lying temptingly to his left.

"Hmm..." Ryo was sorely tempted. "Oh what the heck, I'll have a go!"

Ryo received a Tails figure. Then he decided he should save the money for a rave party and headed off towards Dobuita. Dobuita was particularly dangerous, he would have to watch out for certain people, namely the insane American hot dog man Tom, and the flower girl, Nozomi, whose parents lived in Canada.

As soon as Ryo got into Dobuita and got too close to the drinks machine, he was promptly attacked by an insane Chinese man named Wang. Wang was quite scary, and Wang was the opposite of an alcoholic, in that he was obsessed with drinking anything from the drinks vending machine. As in, anything non-alcoholic.

"Help me!" Wang wailed brokenly. "I have no money! Please buy me a drink or else I shall die!"

"Wang, you need to stop gambling," said Ryo wisely. Then he punched Wang in the face, knocking him unconscious, and ran. Wang was prone to getting violent if people did not get him a drink. Ryo always had an excuse for his actions. Like the time he beat up those guys outside the Heart Beats bar. He said they tried to beat him up. He didn't mention that he hadn't said 'excuse me, please' of course.

Ryo, in his panic, did not notice he was getting too close to Aida's Florist and almost crashed straight into Nozomi. Unfortunately for him, this alerted her to his presence.

"Hi, Ryo!" Nozomi latched herself onto him immediately. "I'm so worried about you, Ryo! Are you sure that you are okay? You've been missing exams!"

"Nozomi, I hate exams," Ryo told her in plain terms. "I have no desire to attend them. Have you seen any nightclubs around here?"

"I don't get it," Nozomi released her grip and looked at Ryo, distress in her eyes. "You ask around for guys called Charlie, you look for bars and tattoo parlours, you look for Chinese sailors, and now you're looking for nightclubs. Is this Charlie an alcoholic Chinese sailor with a tattoo?"

"Nozomi, don't worry about Charlie." Ryo wondered if she should be treated for an overactive imagination. "I've dealt with him. He had a tattoo, yes. And I was looking for bars so that I could find Chinese sailors."

"So where are the sailors then?" asked Nozomi suspiciously. "And why are you hanging out with Chinese sailors?"

"I haven't found them yet," said Ryo in exasperation. "I'm talking to Chinese people so that I can look for Chinese sailors. Do you know anybody who is Chinese?"

"I don't know." Nozomi shook her head. "Let's go to China!"

"No thanks," said Ryo quickly, running off before he could listen to any more stupidity from Nozomi. Unfortunately, his path took him directly to Tom's hotdog van.

"Yo, Ryo!" Tom pranced about in his disgusting orange cords. Ryo knew perfectly well why he wore those shades, so he would not be blinded by his clothes. Apparently, Tom was Ryo's best friend, but how Ryo was supposed to know this, he didn't have a clue. As far as he was concerned, all Tom did was dance in front of a van. "Want a hotdog?"

"No!" Ryo blanched, his face paling. He had heard rumours that Tom liked to poison the hotdogs and he could even see Noriko throwing up behind the van. Eri was there too, saying something about hotdogs. "Have you seen a guy named Charlie?" He asked desperately, trying to throw Tom off the topic of hotdogs.

"Sure!" Tom responded immediately. "I had this customer named Charlie a while back! Actually, last I saw him, he looked a bit sick and ran off. He was so rude, he threw the hotdog in the road!"

"I see." Ryo bolted for safety, before crashing into a random kid that liked to hang around in the street.

"Hi, mister!" cried the boy. "Can you tell me something?"

"What?" asked Ryo impatiently, kneeling down so that he could face the boy.

"Do bad people really exist?" asked the boy. "I heard that it is dangerous to talk to strangers, so can I talk to you because you are a stranger?"

"It's very dangerous to talk to strangers. If I was a bad stranger, I would do bad things to you then cut your throat," Ryo replied he. The boy screamed and ran off crying. Ryo straightened and walked off. He approached a random man in the street.

"Excuse me," said Ryo.

"Sorry, I'm busy," said the man. Ryo stood in front of the man and the man did not move, he just stood staring at Ryo.

"Excuse me," said Ryo in a louder voice, glaring at the man.

"Sorry, I'm busy," said the man.

An hour passed. The man still did not move.

"I thought you were busy!" Ryo angrily shoved the man aside and went to talk to another man. "Excuse me..."

"Yes?" The man looked at Ryo.

"Are there any nightclubs around here?" asked Ryo.

"Yes." The man turned and pointed. "The nightclub is over here, next to you." Then he walked off.

"Oh." Ryo smacked his head. The nightclub would not be open yet, and there was no option to wait, so Ryo decided that he wanted to get a tattoo, so off Ryo went to the tattoo parlour.

"What do you want?" The tattoo man asked angrily. "You've been scaring off my customers!"

"I want a tattoo," said Ryo seriously. "Give me one or I shall beat you up."

"Fine." The tattoo man nodded, uncowed by Ryo's threat. "Well?"

A few hours later, Ryo walked out with a skull and crossbones tattoo on his forehead. He then went to a shop and bought some green hair-dye, which he used to dye his hair green. Now Ryo was bored.

"Excuse me." Ryo turned to an old guy. "Have you seen a man named Charlie?"

"Charlie?" The old guy blinked at Ryo then burst into tears. "Charlie? Why, he was my friend! He was killed on Iwo Jima, in the last war. You're the spitting image of old Charlie!"

"Oh heck, I'm not listening to this insane old man." Ryo turned and ran like hell, leaving the old man blubbering in the street. He bumped into a big burly wrestler with big muscles. The wrestler glared at him. "Up yours," said Ryo cheerfully.

"Kiss off, punk kid," growled the wrestler, bunching his muscles.

"Your mother," Ryo responded with a bright smile.

"That's it!" The wrestler grabbed Ryo in a headlock and flung him down the street. "Come back and I'll kick your ass!" He gestured rudely and strode off.

"People today, no sense of humour whatsoever," Ryo grumbled. He decided to head to the Heart Beats bar and terrorise the barman who seemed to have a phobia of him.

"Good morning," greeted Ryo, leaning over the bar with a huge, goofy grin on his face.

The barman was scared. Not because Ryo was actually smiling, but because he was actually in his bar.

"It's afternoon!" scowled the barman, shaking. "Get out!"

"Why?"

"Because I told you not to come back!"

"Why?"

"Because you were beating up my customers!"

"Why?"

"Because you were looking for some stupid guy named Charlie!"

"Why?"

"Because you're a stalker!"

"Why?"

"Because you stalk people!"

"Why?"

"Because you're creepy!"

"Why?"

"You have problems!"

"Why?"

"I don't know!"

"Why?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!" The barman promptly had a seizure and collapsed on the floor, twitching and jerking. Ryo smiled in satisfaction, leaving the bar and heading back out onto the street. It was now getting dark, but Ryo still wanted to ask questions.

"Excuse me." Ryo approached a woman. "Do you know where chinese sailors hang out?"

"I'm sorry," The woman blinked her sooty lashes at him. "I've only worked on one corner since I began my job, so I wouldn't know."

"What?" Ryo was confused.

"If you want to talk some more, then come to my corner near Bar Yokosuka," replied the woman. "But you'd better have plenty of money on you."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHHHH!" Ryo screamed, turning and running towards the nightclub. The last thing he wanted to do was hang out with prositutes. Besides, he wanted to have a rave, and he needed his money for some dope. If he could get any, that was.

Ryo came to a halt as he nearly crashed in front of a motorbike. Ryo stood in front of the motorbike, waiting for it to move, but of course it did not.

"Excuse me, please!" The world gasped as Ryo said three words which were very unusual for him to say. However, the motorbike did not move. Ryo began to get mad. He glared at the bike. Then the bike shot forwards and knocked Ryo aside. Ryo screamed, it had hurt, but fortunately he was not injured.

"YOU HOOLIGAN!" Ryo screamed at the retreating motorbike. He limped to the nightclub and walked in. There were a lot of people there, it was very noisy and the lights were blinding, but Ryo liked it. "Whoo-hoo! Any dope?"

"Did you say dope?" A policeman approached Ryo.

"Hello? What are you?" Ryo stared at the policeman.

"I'm a policeman!" thundered the policeman.

"WOW! I've never seen policemen before!" Ryo started acting like a kid who had met Santa and whipped out his notebook. He held it out. "Please could you autograph this?"

"No," said the policeman. "There is no cannabis here, it is an illegal drug..."

"Oh, shoot," Ryo pocketed the notebook and ran for dear life. He nipped into Bar Yokosuka and dived under a table. Akemi stared confusedly at the table.

"Don't tell the police I'm here!" Ryo whimpered to Akemi, shivering in fear. The last thing he wanted was to end up in jail, then he would not be able to feed Tama, buy from the capsule machines, play in the arcade, beat people up, ask stupid questions... oh, and avenge the death of his father.

"Excuse me." The policeman walked up to Akemi. "Have you seen a boy of about eighteen years old? He has a scowl on his face, a plaster to go with it, and he stinks... hey, what IS that stink? Is he here?"

"Oh, I'm sorry." Akemi giggled nervously. "I'm prone to farting quite a lot you see. You're probably just smelling the latest one I did. I haven't seen any scowling boys around here, sorry."

"I see." The policeman grimaced and then left the bar. Akemi reached down and pulled Ryo up by the collar, glaring evilly at him. Ryo gulped.

"You owe me," Akemi hissed. "That was very embarassing. Buy me a drink!"

So Ryo had to buy Akemi a drink. Then he limped home, looking out for policemen in case they had a search patrol out for him. Fortunately, he did not run into any police. But then again, policemen were almost non-existent in Yamanose, Sakuragaoka and Dobuita, so Ryo was pretty safe.

Ryo nervously entered his house, expecting to see a wrathful Ine standing there. But she was not there, so Ryo ventured through the darkness that night had created. It was only 11:00 so he might be okay. Gulping, Ryo slowly opened his door and put a foot forwards...

"YOU'RE LATE!" screeched Ine, lunging forwards and throttling him. "HOW DARE YOU BE SO LATE! I WAS WORRIED..." Then she realised she was choking him and released her grip, giggling nervously. "Sorry!" The cackling Ine ran over Ryo and headed towards her room. Feeling very miserable, Ryo limped to his bed and slipped under the duvet. Then he remembered he hadn't taken his jacket off and got out of bed, taking his jacket off, then got back into bed. Ryo realised Ine had not noticed his newly dyed hair but what did it matter? Now he was going to go to sleep and wake up at 8:30 because he could never be bothered to smash his stupid alarm clock.