Quack III Arena: Enhanced A.I. Version
Hey, I wrote this after coming off Unreal Tournament and really trying
Quake 3 for the first time. I was astonished that the computer AI was
smart enough to issue orders. The orders the AI issued, however, quickly
revealed the true intelligence. Not only that, but there wasn't anyway to
inform the computer of what you're doing or where you are, which makes it
even more difficult to communicate things to your team members. Some of
this actually happened, then I exaggerated a bunch of events. Because I
felt like it, that's why! Oh yea, and I don't own Quake. Blizzard does.
"You must be joking," I seethed, crossing my arms and giving my most lethal
glare to the camera.
"Nope!" replied a chipper voice. "You have to play in the Eternal Arena
for the delight of some generic demigod. Enjoy!"
"Wait a second!" I barked. "Can you at least tell me who I'll be working
"Certainly," came the voice again. "You'll be working with Orbb and Tank
Jr, two bots who'll serve as your team members."
"Ok, number one, switch to another voice," I demanded the computer.
"Secondly, Bots? What the blazes are you talking about? Can you
"Like, totally!" replied the on-board computer, now in the personification
of a valley-girl. I sighed miserably. "They're like, A.I. controlled
robots, and you gotta use keywords with them and stuff!"
"Key words?" I asked, covering my ears slightly so they wouldn't be hurt by
the screeching voice.
"You know, like, 'Defend the base', and 'Get the flag', or like, 'Cover
me!'. You know, key words like that."
"Great. Just send me in so I can die and not have to worry about this
anymore," I grumbled.
"Oh, don't, like, worry about dying an' stuff. You'll, like, totally
respawn and get to fight some more!" The sound of the teleportation beam
cut off my last burst of profanity, and I was shoved into the midst of
A strange walking eyeball approached me. "Hello, HailtotheKing! Reporting
for duty sir!"
"Why are you reporting to me?" I inquired. Silence. "Hello?"
"Hello, HailtotheKing!" Right. Keywords. I'd forgotten already.
"Where's uh... uh... Tank Jr.?" I asked. Orbb gave me the biggest blank
look a giant eyeball can give you. Which is a really big one. I swore
again, then opened up the line to the computer I'd talked with earlier.
"Hal," I began. "Where's Tank Jr?"
"Just, like, ask him to report in and stuff!" came the chipper voice. I
was about to ask for more clarification, but Hal dropped the line before I
"ok...Tank Jr.! Report!" I screamed. Suddenly, the line from Hal cut in
"Like, use the walky talky, dumbass!" Another click and the computer was
"Tank Jr., rep..." was as far as I got before I felt a heavy blunt object
lodge its self into my lower back. Then, I was teleported a whole fricken'
foot the left, where I'd originally started. I shielded my eyes with my
hand as a large amount of blood and gibs spattered around the room. "What
the," I shouted, as Orbb began firing his machine gun at some guy who
looked like an old army vet holding a rocket launcher.
Without thinking, I raised my machine gun and began firing as well, barely
dodging the rockets he kept pumping at us. Finally, he fell down, dead.
"Tank jr., report!" I called into the head set.
"I'm guarding the blue base!" came the static reply. I decided to go over
to the blue flag and see if he needed any help. I began running, and
immediately became lost. I quickly picked up on the build of the map,
however, and came upon the team flag.
From what I had seen of the bots, I felt that out of the three of us, I had
the most skill. I resolved, there for, to send only myself to claim the
enemy flag, and let these two keep tabs on ours.
"Everyone, guard the base!" I called. After receiving an affirmative
reply, I headed outwards, towards the enemy. I went as quickly as
possible, mercifully finding a shot gun along the way, and made it to the
enemy flag. I quickly claimed it, and continued dodging projectiles,
figuring it would be better to make a hasty retreat then to stick around
and duel them. No sooner did I have the enemy flag room, not to mention
most of my enemies, behind me, that I heard something blood chilling come
over the headset:
"Dickless, follow HailtotheKing!"
"No!" I shouted through the headset, trying to run and think at the same
time. Hey, I'm a gladiator, not a Renaissance man. "Guard the base!
Everyone guard the base!" I sighed once more at the confirmative reply.
At last, after all the blood shed, all the running, all the near scrapes
with a two second death, I came upon my teams temporary home. I climbed up
the platform where I had seen the blue flag housed, but something was
"Uh...guys? Where's the blue flag?" No response. "Guys, uh, team
members, report the uh, location of the blue flag!" They continued
standing there, rigidly at attention. "Everyone report!" I tried using
the keywords again.
"I'm guarding the blue flag!" called Orbb.
"Leave Guarding the base to me!" declared Tank jr.
"Orbb, defend the flag!" I shouted.
"Yes sir! Guarding the flag!" Orbb didn't move.
"Orbb, the flag isn't there." No response. "Orbb, you dolt, you're not
defending the flag!"
"Yes sir, no longer defending the flag! What are your orders, sir?" I
wanted to scream. Instead, I pulled up on the Heads Up Display in my visor
the list of keywords I could use. Handy, that.
"Orbb!" I began. "Get the flag!"
"Yes sir, capturing the enemy flag!" Orbb then immediately ran off in the
direction of the enemy base.
"What the...no, wait, Orbb! Orbb, I'm HOLDING the enemy flag!"
"Yes sir!" Orbb's voice came over the headset. "Guarding enemy flag!"
"WHAT?!?" I screamed. "Orbb, what the...What are you doing? Orb, report!"
"I'm looking at the daises sir!" replied Orbb. At this point I was forced
to release an anguished yell of torture, which was cut short by the voice
of Hal coming through the headset.
"Orbb has been fragged by BoogerBouncer1.0"
"Good!" I screamed. "I'm glad!"
"Your orders, sir?" came a voice behind me. I turned around, and there was
Orbb. I sank to my knees, sobbing. After a few minutes of unbridled
grief, I tuned my headset in to pick up who was in possession of our flag.
Some dude named Grunt. Fine, I'd find him, kill him, return our flag, and
deposit this one so that I could get out of here.
Ordering both of them to stay put, I embarked on my journey. As soon as I
had, Orbb ordered me to guard the base and sent Tank Jr. off to capture the
enemy flag. I was forced at this point to shoot Orbb. I was forced to
shoot Orbb quite a few times, actually, while screaming. This had no real
permanent effect on him, as for some unexplained reason, we couldn't hurt
our own team mates, no matter how much they royally deserved it.
It was while I was juggling Orbb in the air with my rocket launcher that
Grunt came up behind me, blasted me with a shotgun, took back his flag, and
ran off. I respawned just as he disappeared around the corner. "Orbb,
come on! Let's get him!" Orbb was laying down on the ground, twitching
"I'm scared, HailtotheKing," Orbb said slowly. "Will I dream?"
"Dream, huh, wha?" I asked, not comprehending.
"Hello, my name is Orbb, an Eternal Arena camera unit. Would you like me
to sing you a song?" I stared blankly at Orbb for a few moments.
"NO I DON'T WANT A FUCKING SONG!" I screamed at last. Despite my outburst,
Orbb began to sing.
"This is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends...Some
people, started sing..ing it not knowing...what it was..." Orbb was slowing
down, his twitching becoming less spastic. If I didn't hate him, his
creator, and everything he or his creator ever loved, I might have felt
sorry for him.
"Hey!" snapped Hal over the headset. "That's my act, bitch!" Suddenly,
and for no accountable reason, Orbb suddenly blew up. "Take that!"
screamed the onboard computer.
"Aren't you a valley girl?" I asked into my head piece.
"Not often," replied the computer smugly. "By the way, the red team just
scored with your flag." As Hal finished saying this, our blue flag suddenly
appeared in its normal place.
"All right, I'm sick of this," I muttered. I went up, grabbed the blue
flag, and soldiered down the hall way. I came up to the first red guy I
found and violently shoved the blue flag into his hands, shouting "Here!