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Author's Note: So, it's finally here! Things are going to pick up speed. I want to thank everyone for their feedback and keep it coming. I'd love to nominate someone for the Feedback award in Shadows and Dust:
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Everybody worlds gonna Catch on fire-A funeral buyer.
Is a hard heads people desire.
Every night you tryer.
You turn into a cryer.
Who was just in bed Thinkin higher, higher
Friends will always moveTill you get the bob wire
Every common law gets a flat tire
What kind a power we got?
Soul power
What kind a power you want now?
Soul power
What kind a power need now?
Soul power
What kind a power you got now?
Soul power
Know you gots to have it?
Soul power
--Public Enemy
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Forget Me Not Chapter 13-- "What Kind of Power Do We Got?"
Faith threw the last of her clothes into her duffle bag. She licked her lips and looked around nervously. She looked at her Sex Pistol poster that had followed her to every motel and squatting place she had been in. When she was in prison it waited rolled up along with a photograph she had at Angel’s hotel. The photograph was older, but less beat up that the poster. She had no clue how she never lost it. It was of a woman with “Blondie” style dark roots showing blond hair that really didn’t go with her olive skin and dark eyebrows. Still, you would never want to tell her. Her red-painted lips curled into a sneer around her cigarette despite her perky face. She would leave the Sex Pistol poster behind, but of course take the picture—take Mom. Hadn’t Mom taken her everywhere? Like bars and clubs. In her own way Mom really tried. Hey, it had really prepared Faith for being a Slayer. She was awesome at figuring out who was a vamp in a bar, but that was over now, and that was what was right. “The party’s over,” Mom would say. Everything comes to an end. Faith wished she could tell Kennedy that Spike could have her Sex Pistols poster. He was the only one who knew how long she had been keeping it, after all.
Faith wasn’t going to waste her time feeling guilty about being friends with her boyfriend’s mother’s killer, nor was she ever going to deny it. Spike and Faith had been friends. Sometimes he mentioned his killings casually and sometimes he bragged about them. Other times he shuddered about it like his body was trying to shake off guilt. He seemed to shake it off successfully, but eventually it would always come back again. None of this ever bothered Faith; in fact she was comforted by it. Spike was the only person around who was going through all the seasons she knew. He lived in the same part of the world she did, where you went through all the shit of winter and fall of the things you did. They weren't So Cal people that just had spring and summer. They were people that could never move. The best thing they could do was shake off the cold bitter cycles they went through.
There was no sense trying to make up for past mistakes because you couldn't. There was no sense in pretending you hadn't enjoyed being evil, because you had. It would be insulting to your victims to lie or make excuses. You could just do your best now, which she knew Spike was trying. But he was wrong about the way he was trying to do it and Faith had to make it right. Spike didn’t realize if he burned his soul, or whatever it was into her, it would again make her the self-serving bitch that she'd been years ago. And yes, part of her would enjoy it, to have the very power of the soul of a Champion heal her and mix with the Slayer demon. If Spike did finish the healing she knew she would be complete in a way she had never been before. She would also be evil, a killer, someone who thought they were above the rules. Wrong.
“You know,” Kennedy, said as she stood in Faith’s doorway, “I should kick your ass. You are really freaking my girlfriend out, jetting like this.”
“I really don’t get what Red thinks I can do with the re-opened Hellmouth. I no longer have any Slayer demon in me. She’s powerful enough to guard the Hellmouth with you guys, and then there’s Spike and Connor. The world doesn’t need a Slayer anymore,” Faith sighed.
Faith knew it wasn’t Willow who cared that Faith was going away. Red was just nervous about her ability to use magic with the reopened Hellmouth without turning all-evil. Faith was sure Willow knew that Faith was the last person to help her with that. Kennedy was Red’s emotional rock. It was Kennedy who didn’t want Faith to go.
“Besides,” Faith said as she zipped up her bag, “I’d think you’d be glad to have me out of the way when you are popping the big question. I mean, if Red does say yes to moving in here with you, I’m sure I’m the last person she’ll want to see while you are having your shacking-up honeymoon period.”
“Yeah, I guess. So, you can come back when the reality and bitterness of what it’s really like to live together has sunk in. You do think she’ll say ‘yes’, don’t you? We’ve been together for so long now; longer than her and that Tara girl. And, Dawn is gonna want to go to college and move out of that house, and then Dawn will probably want to sell the house. I mean…”
“Would you stop practicing your Law and Order arguments on me? Anymore of them and I won’t wanna live with you. Red will want to live with you because you are her girl—her rock. You have no idea how much harder everything would be without you, ya know?” Faith said.
She felt her voice grow thick with some thing and looked down at her duffle bag and straightened the straps.
“I don’t know,” K sighed, “I think sometimes I am a total pain in the ass. Like it will be very clear that someone doesn’t want to talk about something, but I’ll make them. For example, my honey told me that you still have a piece of the Slayer demon inside you. She said that the only way you could still have a piece of it was if you fought that spell that old man did.”
“How-how did she know that?”
Faith flinched, but then smiled.
“She’s a goddess. I don’t just date anyone, you know. She can sense everything. Well, everything magical. If she could sense everything she would know how much I wanted her living in this house, and she would already be here,” Kennedy said.
“Damn,” Faith laughed, “I guess I better watch what I do. Red’s on the trail.”
“Well, we talked about why you might have fought to keep that little piece of Slayer demon, after you went into this whole removing of your Slayer power willingly. I swear, you gotta be the only Slayer in history—“
“It was to stop a bunch of demons from trying to assassinate us, K,” Faith reminded.
“I can’t believe you need reminding that demons trying to kill you is a major part of the job,” Kennedy said.
“These were some serious demons and they were going after you guys, too. Plus, I thought it would stop Spike from trying to burn his soul into me, but that didn’t quite work out,” Faith frowned.
“Yeah ,and you are fleeing like a sobered-up prom queen in a torn up dress who just realized what she did. Red thinks that you were really ambivalent about not wanting to be the Slayer anymore. I didn’t want to tell her how obvious that was. My girl can be a bit naïve. Remember how long it took her to get the concept of donut hole snacks? She thought they should at least be invisible. What I think is that little bit of Slayer demon you kept, is what makes Spike able to still burn for you, so to speak, and now you feel really guilty. So you’re running off with the yuppie vamp,” Kennedy said.
“Well, you’d be thinking wrong, the bit of Slayer demon I kept is the only way I have of saving Spike,” Faith grinned, “And stop calling Angel that, and I’m not ‘running off’ with him. He’s just going to protect me from Spike until this thing blows over.”
“What do you mean saving Spike? He’s the one that wants to burn that radioactive light into you and turn you into some bizarro evil Slayer,” Kennedy said.
“Why can’t anyone get this straight?” Faith gritted her teeth, “Spike doesn’ t want to turn me into an evil Slayer. He has just gotten into his head that he has to burn his soul into me, and he doesn’t realize what it will do to me. He thinks he’s helping me.”
“Yeah, sure,” K waved her hand in dismissal, “Spike’s a pussy cat. I know this. But Faith, you really shouldn’t be interested in protecting guys that want to hurt you, even if it’s not on purpose. It’s not their motives that matter, in the end you’ll end up hurt all the same.”
“Motives do matter.” Faith bit her lip, “ If someone is a good person who only wants to do good, and has done more good than most people will ever do, they deserve protection and life.”
“Hey, I never said anything about hurting ol’ Vamp Sid. Who else would I go to strip bars with? Well, I guess there’s Harris and you, but a guy should realize no means no. And you shouldn’t be risking your life resisting a black magic spell to protect him,” Kennedy said.
She was uncharacteristically calm. She must have already talked this out with Red who calmed her down.
“I had to. It was only when I was in the middle of the spell that I realized that it wasn’t going to work. It wasn’t going to help him or me.”
“Wait, you shouldn’t have done the black forever power-stripping spell at all! Was that what this whole thing was about? You wanted to protect Spike because you knew if he made you evil again he wouldn’t be able to live with himself afterwards? Man, and this whole time I thought it was about you wanting to please Wood.”
Kennedy was doing her signature scowl now. Her pretty olive face made all the usual angry lines. It was actually sexy. If her angry expression wasn’t sexy Kennedy would never have gotten Red or any girl in bed.
“No! The purpose of the spell was so I wouldn’t actually go evil after Spike burned for me. I swear, this isn’t about my soft spot for driving stick,” Faith explained in exasperation as she nervously licked her burgundy lipstick off.
She wished it tasted liked it looked, like wine, or crushed cherries or even blood. Blood would be better than the cakey nothing it tasted like.
“It was about what was right, what was best for everyone! Remember why those demons wanted to kill me? Their prophecy, the scary story that they tell their kids, is that Spike was going to burn hell into me and then I was going to end the world. Call me crazy, but I think not being a self-centered murdering apocalyptic bitch is actually a very empowering goal,” Faith said.
She was too tired to be angry, or do any signature sneering of her own.
“We could have found other ways to keep Spike away from you. I guess you really want to be around him, huh? Sorry, but I just don’t think that hanging out with him is worth giving up your power, not to mention risking your life. Especially since he doesn’t even listen to you when it comes to what you want and what you know. I mean, it sounds like you were the one that was going to go bad in this prophecy, because of him. It’s not like he has to give up anything. He should be listening to you over his own big mouth for a change,” Kennedy said.
“He won’t, and it’s because he really thinks he’s doing what is right. K, I should really tell you the whole story of what’s going on here. Why I have to go with Angel, and how I don’t know when I will be back,“ Faith sighed.
“I’d love to know myself,” Robin said as he stood in the doorway with a little white box. “Look. I have a surprise. Well, two.”
“Geez, you’re like a vamp. Don’t you ever knock or make noise or something?” K asked him.
“Like anybody would be able to hear me over the blasting stereo,” Robin rolled his eyes.
He had learned to accept that Kennedy was going to give him shit, and he could just blow it off. He was so cool. He was right, the stereo was constantly loud. Now it was playing Ani Difranco. Her “Not a Pretty Girl” album. Faith had learned enough from Kennedy to recognize all sorts of smart girl punk, while Faith had given K back knowledge of stupid girl punk, like “L7”. Rich college girls and white trash girls should unite more often. Not that K had gone to college, but between her home schooling and the Watcher’s Academy, Kennedy was more educated than Wesley. She just was never into remembering all that Watcher stuff like Wes was. Kennedy would say that was what a Watcher was for. K put all her brains into the things she liked, or didn’t like, for example she didn’t like Robin. Not since she learned that Robin had wanted Faith to give up Slaying. In Kennedy’s eyes, Robin had succeeded now that Faith had done the power-stripping spell. If only it was as simple as boys versus girls, then Faith would have surely won or lost the battle a long time ago, and it would be over.
“Maybe this is a private conversation,” Robin sighed, “but when your ready to tell me the real reason why you are mysteriously taking off with the rich charming vampire for however long, please feel free to let me know. My office hours are from 10 to 1.”
“10 to 1, huh?” Faith grinned, “Sorry, I’ve been sleeping right past that window lately.”
“Maybe that’s because of the life endangering spell you did, and the nightmares it’s been giving you,” Kennedy prodded.
“You don’t look so good either. Maybe running off with the other soul-boy isn’t a good idea, and you may not have to.” Robin said.
“Gee, Mom and Dad,” Faith laughed, “I don’t mean to make you worry. Look, I’m bound to have a bit of a nasty hangover from this spell. You play, you pay…and would you guys stop saying I ’m ‘running off’ with Angel, because the implications of that are gross. I’m shocked he even offered to keep Spike away from me personally. I mean, I’m stoked, but still shocked. I thought he was gonna set me up with some corporate muscle, but this way I can finally pick his brain and see why he looks so hung-over. Guarding the weak little kitten should be easy for him compared to whatever it is he normally does. Time off.”
“I just don’t understand what going off with Angel will do, or how it’s any long term solution. So, I--” Robin began.
“It will do a lot. Angel is the only one that can knock Spike flat on his ass. I know you guys might not see this, but Angel knows the way Spike thinks… He even knows the way I think. As much as Spike says he hates Angel, in the end Angel will be able to make him listen. And as far as long term solutions, Angel will get those too.” Faith decided this was a good time to start packing her books into her bag, “He already has people working on finding out if there is any way I can get my Slayer powers back.”
“When did he do this? Listen Faith, I--” Robin asked as Faith searched for the only book she really wanted, Harry Potter.
“Oh my god!” Kennedy exclaimed.
“Everyone keep their panties on,” Faith ordered as she looked at her boyfriend and friend now, “He told me that finding a way to get my powers back is a long shot, and of course, he would only look into safe ways of doing it.”
“No, not that. I think I finally get it. What’s between you and the yuppie vamp. At first, I had no clue why you would hang out with him. Yeah, I know he saved you from going down a dark road from which there was no return and all that. But you both do that for a lot of people and you don’t have sleep over visits with them afterwards,” Kennedy said.
“I don’t save—“ Faith began.
“But I get it. He’s your Dad,” Kennedy chuckled.
“Screw you. He’s my friend!”
Faith found she was not too tired to get angry after all. Well, maybe not angry. She felt something though; her cheeks felt a warmth that made her realize how cold they had been.
“Look can we get back to the important—“ Robin began.
“To think you say you and I have little actual life stuff in common,” Kennedy laughed, “About once a year I make sure my Dad takes a break from work. I make up that I’m having some drama, and he is the only one that can help me. Then we usually jet to the Caymans and do a little demon hunting there. It really helps relieve his stress. Is that where you’re going? The Caymans? You should. The Cayman demons are so slow and stupid even you could kill one in your current state.”
“Well, unlike you I don’t have to make up a drama. I have ancient prophecies about being turned into a hell-beast to do that for me. And…I can’t even begin to express how much you deserve the tossing out of my bedroom that I’m giving you,” Faith said dryly, but then laughed.
“There is a really great Skate-punk shop you should have him take you to after. The more demons I kill the more stuff Daddy buys me. Then he brags to the shop owners that I’m as good as skating as any guy, and then he bets with them on all the tricks I can do,” Kennedy laughed.
“I’m going to make a safe bet that if you are not out of here in at least thirty seconds Daddy isn’t going to cough up any Skate trick money this year because you’ll have no legs!” Faith grumbled.
“Yeah, right with your powerless ass,” Kennedy left the room laughing.
“She’s just what you need in these trying times,” Robin smiled sarcastically, “to push you over the edge into wanting to kill someone—namely her.”
“Hey, what are friends for?” Faith shrugged with a laugh.
“So, I have a surprise,” he smiled.
“Yeah, I totally saw, dude!” Faith beamed, “I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want K stealing any. Krispy Kream! You never stop rocking.”
Faith took the donut box out of Robin’s hands and set it on the bed. Before she knew it she was making out with him, with total disregard for all the anxious crap that she had been thinking about since the spell. She laughed as she felt familiar juices flow to all the right places. His hands held her hips and their mouths met just like always. No better, no worse.
There were so many things she wanted to tell him. She had been thinking a lot since this spell, and she realized as hard as it was for her to go through, Robin had always been there. He was there when she said that she wouldn’t quit slaying, and he helped, even though that wasn’t what he wanted. He was there when she decided to quit slaying, and he helped make it possible. Faith was so afraid that Alistair would tell Robin the secrets he had seen in Faith ’s mind when he was doing the spell. But then she realized that even if Alistair did blab it probably wouldn’t matter to Robin. Faith wasn’t perfect, really far from it, but she was starting to get that despite that Robin really wanted to be with her. Robin himself wasn’t perfect either. He had lied about his mother for so long, and Faith knew that Kennedy had a point about Robin pressuring her to stop slaying. Faith had learned no one was perfect. Robin was pretty damn close, and Faith was realizing that even his imperfections were due to the fact that Robin wanted to be with Faith.
That was what all the wanting her to quit slaying was about, he wanted to be with her. How could she be pissed off at him wanting that? She’d be a hypocrite. That was all she had ever wanted in her life too-- something to love. To runaway to some island or something, like Kennedy got to do with her Dad. Only, even on Kennedy’s island there were demons. It didn’t matter how much dough you had or if you were with your father or your lover, or the Champion who saved the world and you so many times over. There would always be demons, no matter how much power you had. You could be a Champion, or a Slayer who had not one but two champs wrapped around her finger, a Champ CEO, a CEO’ s daughter who had Daddy wrapped around her finger. There was always something bigger than you. A calling that would burn the life out of you, a spell gone wrong, or a curse. You could even throw your power away, cast it to the wind; show the world your little pink belly. Of course then the world would poke at you, hurt you, maybe kill you, and you still had to worry about monsters—yours and other people’s. But at least then you wouldn’t take anyone out with you. Faith wanted to tell Robin this. She knew he would understand it. He was a smart guy. Smarter than her. Maybe she was afraid she wouldn’t say it right. No, it was more like she didn’t want to upset him. Some people were so good that they couldn’t take the badness in this world.
Faith might not be a Slayer anymore, but she was still an action, not words kind of girl. You could take the Slayer out of the girl…or something. Faith just knew she wanted him bad; too much to care if she really did suck in bed now, or to be scared off by him because he was so much stronger than her now, bigger. He was almost a foot taller and he was definitely twice as broad. She always liked them all, the tall, the short, the narrow, the wide; they could even be a little too fat or thin, as long as it seemed like they had a kind of strength, a fire behind the eyes. She used to like them strong like that because she knew, or she thought, she would always be stronger. But it didn’t really matter, did it? A little old man whose ass she could probably kick now had mind- fucked her with a spell. Of course, she couldn’t complain, especially to Robin who had made that spell possible to help her. What mattered was how good a man was, and Robin was good. He would never hurt her himself, not even if it was for the greater good. And knowing that made her want him beyond any fear.
She stripped his clothes off like the hungry animal she had always been, even before slayage, and after things had happened to her, things that only she and some other animals and now Alistair knew. A normal girl, a smart girl, would hide after those things happened, but not Faith, she reached out for the touch of men. She was like a little moth now to the flame. Faith sought out the flame in men with nothing- no power- before she was a Slayer. The seeking was the power she had. She made it out of her stupidity—her freakishness.
“You’re so cold,” Robin said as his hands rubbed down her back to take off her bra.
“Yeah, but I’ve warmed up to you,” she said and then she licked down his chest.
Faith went to work with all her mad skills, assuring herself that she still indeed had them. The only thing s she may have done differently was kiss him dizzy and cling to him for support while she was riding him. She knew he could take that. He might not be able to take hearing all the things she wanted to say about life and death and sacrifice, but he certainly was strong enough to take the weight of her. He certainly wasn’t complaining and neither was she.
“Mmm. You’re magnificent,” he whispered, as he was out of breath.
She had crashed down on top of him. That was something that was knew too. She felt her eyes sting with bitter relief that the ugliness of that nasty-ass spell had not affected her ability to do what she did best. She still had the power.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
Faith rolled off of her boyfriend. He was sharp. He realized that she was clinging to him harder and longer than she probably ever had. She had to be careful, so he wouldn’t wig out over her.
“Five by,” she assured smiling, “I was a little wigged with the whole slaying and sex fusion, ya know.” She had her arms around his neck.
“Come again?” he asked with a raised eyebrow and a smirk.
“Well, yeah that was one of my worries,” she laughed, “But I did, you did. It’s all-good in the house, yo. Before I became a Slayer I never did.”
She darted up to get the box of Crispy Cream Donuts. She ignored her head rush when she did this, and how tired she was.
“I highly doubt that had anything to do with not being a Slayer. You were so young,” he said.
“Dude, I thought you were a hip Principal. Most kiddies are doing the screw, and those who aren’t wanna be. I think I had most of my boys before I was 16. So, lack of coming again, or coming at all, wasn’t due to a lack of trying,” she said as she put a donut in her mouth.
“There were a lot, huh?” he frowned.
“I don’t know, babe. I only ate one. You’re the one that bought them,” she said and took out a donut and tried to stick it in his mouth.
“No,” he shook his head.
“I know, I know. This is why I get crumbs in the bed, and it’s nasty. Don’t worry if they get on you I’m sure I’ll be happy to clean them off,” she rolled her eyes.
“No,” he smiled sadly now, “I meant lots of men. You’ve slept with lots of men.”
“Boys,” she shrugged, “I slept with lots of boys. I made sure I never slept with any men, until I found a good one.”
Faith licked his ear, and he pulled her closer. She even got him to take a bite of donut.
“Oh no,” she said, “Crumbs in the bed the world is falling into chaos.”
“Well, it kind of is,” he said dryly, “The Hellmouth has been reopened. Spike is insane and after you and you are running off and hiding with Angel.”
“You forgot that I don’t have any more Slayer power, hence the wuss-ass move of hiding behind Angel. Otherwise, I’d handle it myself. Despite K’s inept Psych 101 analysis, hiding behind a guy is not really my thing,” Faith sighed.
“I know,” Robin sighed, “So, why are you doing it?”
“Um, didn’t we just go over this in class?” Faith asked, “Punk vamp insane, well not insane, misguided, and wants to burn big bad things into me. So enter Daddy---“
“Oh, so he is Daddy now?” Robin scoffed.
“Okay,” Faith held her hands up, “I don’t know what is more disturbing. The fact that I am calling Angel ‘Daddy’, or the fact that I’m doing it with you naked in bed.”
As she said this she realized her nakedness. Since the spell with Alistair she did not like to be naked for too long for some reason. She dressed again in her bra and gray tank top.
“I couldn’t agree more,” Robin said, “That’s why I’ve found a way to have the good one help with the bad one once and for all.”
“Who with the what now?” Faith’s brow wrinkled in confusion as she slipped into her jeans.
“My second surprise. It blows the donuts out of the water,” Robin smiled.
“So your second surprise is to get kinky with the donuts. I’m loving it. Sometimes you have to say ‘screw the crumbs in the bed,’” she grinned and crawled back on top of him.
“No, would you listen to me for once,” he said softly, “What if I said I found a way to control Spike? To stop him from hurting you or anyone else ever again?”
“I’d say no more magic. No way, no how,” Faith said as she looked at him with her head on her pillow.
“What if I said it wasn’t magic, but something else?” Robin smiled sadly.
“I’d say I don’t care how cool a principal you are, you’re never going to get that boy to take Ritalin. Hmmm…Maybe you could of you convinced him if you told him it was similar to a speed high,” Faith said and did a cough-laugh combo.
A sick feeling came to her in waves, but she was thankful that most of the time it was at low tide. She kept her fingers crossed that it was a hangover from the spell.
“Christ, Faith,” Robin scowled, “What does this asshole have to do for you to realize he needs to be taken out?”
“Taken out?” Faith jerked her head in surprise.
“I don’t mean taken out as in dead. I do realize he’s done a lot of good, and I am pro-good. However, I am con-stupid-crazy-ass-vamp who wants to burn Hell into my girlfriend,” he said.
“Me too, we all know I’m hot enough as is,” Faith smiled.
“You’re actually feeling kind of cold. I am not happy with the way the spell went down. Not at all. It brought back some funky memories of when I worked with Alistair,” Robin grimaced and shut his eyes like he had a wave of sickness too.
“You mean in the cult? What kinds of stuff did you do? Why would you let Al into your brain? I mean, he seems like a nice guy now, but I wouldn’t be giving over my head to anyone unless I had to. Even one made out of rock like mine,” Faith said this softly as she rubbed Robin’s baldhead.
She really hoped he had not gone through anything like the spell that she went through with Alistair. He looked mad stressed, and he had dropped several hints that his past was the thing stressing him. Faith got the message long ago that Robin’s past was closed. She totally respected that, but now it had been opened again. Robin had opened a door to the past to help Faith, and Faith knew how crazy opening those old doors could make you.
“It wasn’t really--- He was never really in my brain. Not that there was that much in there back then besides rage and Public Enemy songs. You gotta understand Alistair had broken off with and was against everything that my virtual father, Bernard, stood for, and I was going through a bit of a teenage thing. So, the ol’ Brit wasn’t exactly Dr. Dre, but he sure wanted to fight the power, and he promised me what I wanted more than anything.”
“Really good weed?” She smiled
“No, the vampire that killed my mother. Not that he ever got him of course. He just used it as the carrot to string me along. Man, what was I ever thinking calling him? At least you're safe from the demons, well, most of them… But, don’t think that I’m not livid that it worked out like this. You were supposed to be safe from Spike with me, not Angel.”
“Hey, I’m not your responsibility, or Angel’s. I’m supposed to be taking care of myself here,” Faith said jerkily but then softened, “Anything you do to help is gravy, so don’t stress so hard if it doesn’t work out perfect.”
She learned she could only help with what she was responsible for- for her part of things. She had nothing to say about the whole Spike thing. It wasn’t her responsibility. She couldn’t change the past, especially one that was not hers. She knew this, even before Al-a-non in prison, she knew it, but she still had a horrible feeling when she pictured young Robin wanting Spike dead more than anything. She knew what it was like to want someone dead more than anything—not a good feeling. But she had to work with the present.
“I never really was one for fate, but certain things work out certain ways because of what we do,” Faith told him, “This time it’s about what I do. No matter what happens. Tell me that you will remember that …Go on tell me.”
Faith didn’t really like demanding things of Robin. He had already given so much, but she had to demand that he understood that she was making her own choices—the right choices.
“I will. I do. I know that you decided to take in that Shadow Demon yourself, but if I never gave Buffy that book, you wouldn’t have---“ Robin’s voice was getting choked up.
“Shhh. You gotta chill, baby,” Faith soothed. She had never seen him so close to tears. He really felt powerless, and she understood how that could rip at you. But what could you do?
“Maybe you should take out those Public Enemy albums again and rage. They’re cool,” Faith suggested to him.
“No. You have to grow up sometime, Faith. See, that rebelling into darkness won’t get you anywhere. I learned that the hard way with Alistair,” he sighed.
“I learned it the hard way too. Angel helped me in the end. I don’t know what exactly is up with Alistair, but I know he loves you like a son. You’re lucky to have that even if---“
“Lucky,” Robin laughed, “My mother was my world. When I was seven my world ended and I was taken in by people that looked and sounded nothing like me. They took me all the way to the other side of the country so I could forget her, so they could. They didn’t understand why I was so upset. I had the best of everything, but I didn’t want everything —“
“You wanted her, I understand, but at least--”
“I suppose I was screwed from the start even before. I mean, my mother was a punk-rocker vigilante who screwed a cop. They couldn’t have wanted me,”
“Ah, Robin, you think those people that plan out their two point five kids love them any more? I don’t. We should have talked like this a long time ago. I think I finally understand what you see in me. Nikki was into Punk, huh?”
“Somewhat. Sometimes I think it was just an easy way for her to find the vampire scum and the idiot kids that they fed on that way. That whole scene really did end up killing her. How do you think she found Spike, or he found her? CBGBs, I think it was.”
“Vampires are everywhere, Woody,” Faith snapped. Then she felt bad for snapping. He was pouring his heart out to her.
“Yeah, I know all walks of life. You are going away with the CEO to get away from the street thug. Forgive me if I’m less than thrilled. When is it going to end, Faith? When is Spike going to stop chasing you? What’s he going to do next if we don’t stop him?” Robin asked.
Faith noticed that he had just called Spike a “street thug” like Alistair had. She knew Robin may not have blood ties to the Crowley’s, but he was to them all the same.
“This will end. I don’t plan on hiding forever. I really hope it ends well, but no matter what, it’s going to end on my terms,” Faith told him firmly.
She wished she could say how it would end. She just knew how it wouldn’t end. Spike was not going to touch her. He was not going to burn that stuff into her that would turn her back into a murdering bitch.
“I can make sure that happens with no magic, except the magic of money, of course. I talked to some people, and I know that your friend Angel’s company has the technology and the money to stop Spike from being a threat to anyone,” Robin said as some relief crept back into his face.
“You want Wolfram and Hart to buy Spike a plasma TV and a Play Station?” Faith joked.
She was sure Robin wanted Angel to watch him with all that surveillance stuff they had. Angel’s company had better things to do. Besides, if Angel spied on Spike how would he be any different from the government?
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” Faith continued her routine as she thought of what Angel buying Spike a PlayStation would be like, “he’d just sit around cursing at Zelda while he was stuck on level three, meanwhile out in the real world—Hellmouth city. Angel getting him that car was the way to—“
“God Damn it, Faith! I am so sick of you talking about him like he’s that brat freak kid that you’ve decided to make your cause so you have an excuse to stay in these ever-present life-threatening situations. He killed my mother, Faith. He’s trying to kill you. Doesn’t that mean anything to you or is it all just a fun game?” Robin snapped
“You think this is fun for me? Sitting here powerless after your Gramps mind-fucked me? Learning that I was a dupe? You never told me Spike killed your mother, so I would have someone with power to fight with, so I would be safer. Everyday you kept your mouth shut, you let me trust a liar,” Faith blurted out as she shot up from the bed.
“A liar! You’re angry you were trusting a liar, but you were all to willing to jump in front of a bullet for a nasty little fuck of a mass murderer…and don’t tell me you wouldn’t. I’ve seen you in the heat of battle. You would have died for that—that thing, that got off on killing your kind!”
“Of course I would. He’d do the same for me. I could say that if you had told me about your Mom it would have been different---“
“It shouldn’t have made the least bit of difference. You knew, you knew what he was, that he had killed, and you--- You were never supposed to trust him, Faith. You were never supposed to get close to him. If I realized how--- You were just supposed to use him. He was a fighting tool, a weapon. For the mission, because we can’t forget about the god damned mission. I thought I did what was best for the mission by not telling you he killed my mother, but everything is fucked up,” Robin said bitterly.
“You mean I fucked up, because I didn’t use him like a sword or a stake. I treated him like a human being, and I shouldn’t have because he is a murderer.”
Faith didn’t yell this time. She said this rather numbly. She felt a wave of sickness come over her again, that she really wished she could blame the spell for.
“Well, you have to admit you’d be in a hell of a lot less trouble now. Spike is good—for the mission, but he’s dangerous. He’s out of control. He killed that soldier, he threatened to kill Alistair and he’s after you. Can you deny any of this?”
Robin wasn’t yelling anymore either. He was pleading, or demanding. He stated his question in a way that she knew she had to answer. The way a Warden asked when they only wanted to hear “yes” or “no.” His tone was a lot sweeter, but he still wanted the answer.
“It’s not that simple,” she sighed. She hoped blowing out air would give her some relief to the tightness in her body.
“Well, we make it simple, then. We make it so he can only do good again. We put the chip back in his head. I was talking to Wes and he---“
“Shut-up! Wes would never do that!” Faith roared as she rose. “ He was probably just being polite to you while he was making notes about how crazy you are. How can you even suggest something like that? Don’t ever bring that chip shit up again to anyone!”
“I don’t think you’re in a position to be telling me what to do. You are sitting there looking like hell while he’s out there stalking you. You don’t seem to have good judgment on this, so I’m stepping up,” Robin was speaking much more quietly than she was, but he seemed just as pissed.
Faith was surprised. She had never yelled at him that fiercely before. She may have gotten pissed off at him, but she made sure she didn’t treat him like her other lovers, because he had earned better treatment. But she wasn’t just surprised at herself, she was also surprised with him that her anger seemed to have no effect on him. She was surprised and pissed.
“Oh, I don’t have good judgment? Well, guess what, I’m also a murderer. So, you better put one of those things in my head, better yet why not just use me as a weapon? That was good enough for the Counsel when they were around. In fact, they decided I was a bad egg and sent some thugs to kill me because I just wasn’t dying fast enough, and they wanted a new shiny toy. Why don’t you dangle me out in front of Spike to get him?”
“Faith, please! What you did wasn’t analogous to what Spike did,” Robin scoffed.
“What? Analogous? What does that mean?” Faith demanded. She was too angry to be embarrassed that she didn’t know.
“It means I’m really sick of you using the fact that you made a mistake as an excuse to not give Spike what he deserves,” Robin said.
“And he deserves a chip in his head that will eventually kill him? God, I don’t know why you never went to the Watcher Academy. Bernard must love you,” Faith grumbled.
Her shock that he wanted to chip Spike was wearing off. She was too tired for it.
“No, well he said he did, and that’s why he tried to stop me from finding and killing Spike when I was young. He doesn’t believe in vengeance. That’s why I went to Alistair, ” Robin recoiled into a miserable sigh.
“Well, you should get away from Gramps and go back to Dad. He sounds better,” Faith said gently now.
“I have no real family,” he reminded her, and he looked really miserable over it.
Faith completely understood what not having any real family was like.. She of all people could understand that better than anyone that her and Robin knew in this town. She did understand wanting to hurt the person you blamed for that. But, Faith had learned the hard way that pay back was more of a bitch to the payer, especially when the person you blamed for everything had gone on to be a hero.
“Robin, I’m sorry I got so upset, but you have to trust me on this, vengeance won’t lead you anywhere good,” she told him as she took both his hands.
He might be educated and classy, but Faith realized she could teach him a thing or two.
“But this isn’t about vengeance anymore, it’s about doing what’s best. What’s right, and sometimes that’s really not pleasant, but it needs to be done,” he said.
“I totally hear you, but doing another Clockwork Orange on Spike isn’t what’s right. It’s not even what’s best,” she said as she looked into his worn out face.
“It’s better than killing him. What’s wrong with making him unable to hurt people anymore—to hurt you. I can’t let him get you—I won’t. He’s evil Faith. I don’t care if he doesn’t know it. Evil is as evil does,” Robin broke away from her as he became agitated again.
What had she said to set him off? She hadn’t meant to.
“He isn’t—“ Faith began as Robin had been yanking on his clothes as abruptly as he was talking.
“Yes he is, Faith,” Robin grumbled fiercely.
He stood up. He'd said her name like it was something sickening him.
Faith jumped up. There was no way she was going to let him leave like that. Faith knew when she was doing a storm-off she wanted to be stopped. She didn’t know what had made him so suddenly full of rage. Maybe her style was rubbing off on him.
“Just chill. Spike isn’t gonna get to me. There are so many things I wanna tell you bu--”
“He’s already gotten to you. The way that you’re acting, it’s like you want it. You think him burning you will be analogous to one of your conquests?” he yelled.
"Let me explain what that means in terms you can understand. What I’m really asking is why are you acting like death’s stupid whore? You want me to sit back and let it happen, and I won’t!” Robin shouted now.
Faith was reeling. Robin was right to assume that she didn’t understand that whole “conquest analogous” thing. She really wished he would stop using that word, but she heard other words that she knew. Had he just called her a “whore?” Then Faith heard a thud and then a crumbling. She thought it was the very air around them, some kind of sonic boom. She had never heard Robin get that angry. She knew that when some magical people got angry enough the air around them changed. Maybe Robin had some of that magical stuff in him from being raised near it.
“I won’t do it, Faith,” he said her name like it was a tragedy now. Something that was breaking his heart.
Faith realized that all that had happened was that he punched the wall. He looked horrified at his own fist, like he had just hit a person or hurt the poor defenseless wall. He had hurt the wall. There was a huge hole in it, but it was nothing that Faith hadn’t seen or done a million times before.
“Hey, Woody. It’s five by five. It’s just a wall. You just need to take it down a notch,” she said softly as she grabbed a hold of his arm.
“No it’s not. I’m losing it, Faith. I’m losing my grip. I’m just trying so hard. I’m trying so hard to make everything right for us. And what am I doing? I’m letting Alistair back into my life. I’m- I’m saying cruel things to you. The more I try to make everything right the more wrong I go,” and he seemed to crumple as he sat on the bed.
“I know exactly how you feel, baby. Don’t worry I can take all you throw at me. Just don’t do it near my head, because that would land me in the hospital now,” she smiled weakly.
“Oh, oh God! That was kind of close to you. I’m sorry. I can’t do this, Faith, ” his voice was shaking.
She didn’t like this. He was always so steady—a rock. He just said he was losing his grip. Faith didn’t realize rocks had to have grips too.
“Hey, it’s okay. I know you aren’t that kind of guy. Sometimes when people are under stress they lose it. Believe me I know, but I also know you’d never hurt me,” she said.
“No, I mean, I think it is good—best—if you do go off with Angel, and you keep away from Spike… and me,” he sighed.
“And you?” she laughed, that was just stupid, “Look, don’t be like this. I don’t know if I have the time. I’m used to people calling me stuff and hitting walls, it’s life. Just don’t mention chips and mind control and we’re golden.”
“No, look, I love you, but…but I realize this will never be over. There’ll always be a part of you that’s addicted to it,” he shook his head.
She felt like she had done something wrong. “Addicted to what? Because you’re the one that sounds like you’re high now. It is almost over, I swear. One way or another it’s gonna end soon with Spike’s healing light. I really hope we all come out on top. I need you there with me, no matter what happens. I want you to understand that I’m doing the right thing,” she assured him.
“I don’t think Slayers are about doing the right thing. I think you’re about being addicted to the danger, and it’s tearing me apart. I have to let you go,” he said.
“To Angel’s, yeah, but this would be a really bad time for you to take a brooding break. You need to come with me…You can go to work and then on Saturday---“
“No, I mean I have to let you go,” he said miserably and firmly at the same time.
“You’re dumping me?” she gasped. She felt a door from her past open too and all these dull nails came pouring out, and scraped in her abdomen and her throat.
“I just think we should be apart,” he said.
“There’s no diff right? That’s just a nice way of saying ‘yes’, right? You gotta help me out a little. Usually when people broke up with me there was name-calling and wall punching. Can we go back to that?” she asked hopefully.
It never occurred to her that he would leave—not now. Not after that bad fight they had where she had gotten mad and threw the soap. Faith thought she was too dangerous for him, but now that she was no longer a Slayer, how could she be? It was what he had wanted, so why would he leave now? She'd tried so hard. He told her he would surprise her, and he had. He was this guy. This guy that didn’t want anything from her, or this guy that wanted more than sex. She had finally believed it. She realized how much she had been counting on him to be there at the end of this showdown with Spike, how much she was counting on him to understand. And now….
“That’s why I’m leaving. I wanted to show you that a guy could be nice, and if I can’t do that I don’t deserve to be with you. Why on earth would you want to go back to wall punching?” he gave her a look like she was nuts from under all his grief.
“I think I find it less painful. How can you say you love me--- Are you trying to give me a thing? Like if I give a thumbs up to the Chipping Spike plan you’ll stay with me?”
“An ultimatum? No, I wouldn’t give a shit about Spike if I knew he’d leave you alone. But I guess I would stay with you if you wanted to give up the mission, if you left this place with me,” he gestured to the room as if it was as easy as walking out of it to leave Sunny D.
“Well, we couldn’t. Spike would come after us,” she reminded
“Ah, but there you go, if he had a chip he couldn’t hurt you,” he smiled weakly.
Faith shuddered at the smile. Faith had never really seen the chip work, but Spike had told her about it. It was a jail inside your mind that controlled you, but let you stay evil in that mind. Faith would rather be dead.
“Well, it wouldn’t work because number one he doesn’t think he’ s hurting me, he thinks he’s helping me and number two Angel would never agree to doing that to Spike. I know they talk smack about each other but---“
“You said this thing with Spike would end? When it ends, then would you leave here with me?” he asked. He sounded like a Principal that was asking if she had a joint in her back pocket when he already knew the answer, and didn’t want to hear the line of bullshit.
“Well, I don’t know if it’s going to end in a way where I could make that choice. I promised Angel I’d look after Connor and Connor---“
“Is not a kid. Not really. You’d been on your own for years by the time you were that age,” he sighed. He was no longer looking at her.
”Baby, I was in jail when I was that age. I can’t let Angel’s son go down that path…even if, even if I don’t have a lot of time to set him straight,” suddenly Faith smiled. She had an actual idea. “Why don’t--- why don’t you help me, Robin? You can help me. You work with kids. We can go to Angel’s and sit down and try to get the kid to talk to his Dad.”
This was a way she could set all her worries at rest. She had to make sure Connor would be okay before all this crap with Spike really took off. She had no idea how she was going to do it. She really should have thought to involve Robin. He could charm a teenage snake out of a bottle. She was stupid to leave him out of the whole Connor thing. Maybe when he helped Connor he would realize how important the mission was, how important Robin himself was.
“Good-bye, Faith,” he said bitterly. Faith’s chest sank. She knew when someone’s mind was made-up. It just took her a little bit longer because she never thought she’d hear it from him.
“So, that’s it,” she sneered and made herself look at him now after she had her eyes darting everywhere else.
“I guess so, but, I understand,” he sighed.
What? He understood? Of course he did, he was the one ditching her!
“Good, because I fucking don’t, but you were always smarter,” she said coolly. It was almost easy to go back to treating him like everyone else. “I get it now. Analogous like analogy, those things on that test for college. A nice guy is to being apart, as an asshole is to dumping…They feel exactly the same.”
“I’m sorry. We’ll talk when you come back to town,” he said.
“If I can,” she said.
“Yeah, you might be busy with the mission,” he said with his head drooped down. His hands in his pockets.
He looked so worn out. Faith realized all too suddenly that she was the one that had done this. She had worn him out. But it wasn’t fair! She had tried. She wanted to run to him and ask him what else could she do. What else did he want her to do? She could handle anything, nothing would shock her or hurt her. She was the Slayer… but, she wasn’t the Slayer anymore. He hadn’t wanted her to be a Slayer and now she wasn’t. But if Faith asked him what he wanted, he’d just say the things he already said. Things that she couldn’t do. It wasn’t a question of not being able to handle them; she just couldn’t do them.
“Yeah,” she said.
End of Chapter 13 TBC…
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