Author: Katianna PM
An addition to 'Hand Of God'. Written late at night, absolute balderdash. But hey...Rated: Fiction T - English - Angst - Words: 1,008 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 2 - Published: 01-19-04 - id: 1693504
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Everyone jumped to the conclusion that Shalimar offered her life for Brennan's as an act of love. But there was so much uncertainty in her voice when they talked in the Helix afterwards. And she looked to tired, so tired of it all…
She had heard his hesitant footsteps all the way along the corridor that now held only her own room, Emma's standing empty, cold across the way. She heard the footsteps stop outside the door. She already knew it was Jesse – Brennan would never give away anxiety in his pace or body language. If he needed haste he would run, otherwise he strolled along irritatingly slowly as if nothing in the world could hasten him. Slowly the light after-shave worked its was through the walls to her as Jesse tarried outside.
She waited as she always did. Not acknowledging his presence out of politeness, waiting for him to gather his thoughts before he confronted her with a question which would be, in his mind, world shaking. Or just finding a polite way to word an impolite question. Much as he might pretend he'd changed – playing big boy soldiers with Brennan – he was still the insecure boy she used to know. And she knew it hurt him every time Brennan asked him to stay behind. Left him with some job to do. Often, of course, there was no one else amongst them who could do the task better or quicker. But it still stung him. Poor Jesse, all grown up and strong, but still left to play with the nerds of the class.
Eventually Shalimar grew tired of waiting. She was exhausted, she wanted to sleep, and her stomach was cramping painfully, leaving her to wonder if there was still a price to pay for such accelerated healing.
"If you're waiting for me to let you in Jesse, a knock will do." His face appeared in the doorway, smiling softly.
"Why should I bother, you know when I'm here." He took a seat in her chair, facing her where she sat cross-legged on her bed. "We thought we'd lost you today." He said quietly, smile gone, face blank of emotion. "Lexa said you'd fallen and… if was like everything went into autopilot. We could have done lots of things to get the Helix back up, but we just weren't there. There was a moment when it didn't matter if we crashed or not. It just…" Jesse frowned. "Don't ever do that again." He told her seriously, eyes holding hers.
"I can honestly say it's not an experience I intend to repeat." She said with a chuckle. Jesse's frown didn't break.
"Why did you offer to take Brennan's wound. You wouldn't have survived it any better than he would." Shalimar gained a frown of her own.
"He was dying Jess. I couldn't let any of you die. Not even Lexa. Not if there was another way."
"But why you Shal? Why You?"
"He wouldn't have taken it from Brennan if someone wasn't willing to take it from him." She replied flatly.
"Why YOU Shalimar? You're not answering me."
"I wanted to save him," She said, slowly enunciating every word, the slightest hint of anger creeping into her voice. "I couldn't ask anyone else to die! I couldn't make that decision for someone else. No one would do that. It had to be me."
"You know what I think?" He asked, voice soft, quiet.
"No Jesse. Do tell." She snapped back.
"I think there's an awful long list of people who've left you recently. They've died or disappeared or been lost to you in some way. I think you've stopped being the one who takes calculated risks and pushes the boundaries. I think you fell over the edge. I'm scared for you Shalimar." She watched him, mouth open, eyes wide in silence for a moment. He stood abruptly, tears glistening in her eyes. "When did it stop being people you lost, Shalimar, and start being pieces of yourself?" He was half way out of the door when his reply came.
"It's always been parts of myself, Jesse. If you don't understand that then you don't understand who I am… what I am." She sighed a shuddering sigh as he turned, returning to his seat. "I think Adam and Emma… and my father… I think they were the last pieces to loose. I didn't loose anything when Andrea fell, and that terrified me. The loss I feel when someone dies by my hand is all that keeps me from becoming someone… something that might kill on a whim. I've been so… careful. Tried to hard to keep myself in check.
"Burke saved me Jesse. He saved me and then died with my wound bleeding in his chest. I killed him. And it hardly touched me at all. I wanted to be upset, to grieve for him. But I was only angry."
"Why were you angry Shalimar?" She looked up and found Jesse close, her hands in his.
"After Kristoff healed me… At first I felt euphoric. I had survived again, against the odds. I didn't think… I didn't KNOW!"
"He took it from me! It was my turn, and he took it from me! And he gave it on to someone else who didn't want it."
"What did you want?"
"Peace." She sobbed. "I just wanted peace."
AN: if you doubt me, let us look at the list… Richard (partly her fault, or at least accelerated by her), Emma (laz. Syndrome), Ashlocke (they were connected, I can't believe his loss didn't affect her), Nikki (she killed her), Noel (she killed him), Brennan (she killed him in reality check), Andrea (kinda her fault), Burke (her fault), Kristoff, Emma, Adam, her Father. Have I missed anyone?