Voldemort has gone crazy and believes himself to be Merlin, the Happy pig. He decides to spread his new found philanthropic euphoria by casting a captatio benevolentiae charm on Hogworts. Only problem is, being universally adored by all leaves very little time to read the paper...

A/N: Warning- this fic is nothing short of ridiculous. Have fun!

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Chapter 1

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"Now, Potter, I will finish what was started sixteen years ago." Voldemort sneered disdainfully as he levelled his phoenix feather wand directly at Harry's chest. "Did you really think that you, a snivelling little muggle- lover could defeat me, the greatest wizard who ever LIVED?!"

"Don't flatter yourself." Harry shot back. He had no idea where his sudden courage had come from, but being confronted with certain death situations tended to bring the best out in him. Besides, having defeated the Dark Lord five times already, he thought he had reason to be a little cocky. "Compared to Dumbledore you're just a one trick pony!" Harry produced his wand from his pocket and levelled it straight back at Voldemort. "Time for the knacker's yard, Voldy!"

Voldemort's eyes nearly imploded with rage as Harry made little clicking, giddy-up noises with his cheeks. His teeth nearly bit through his thin, bloodless lips as his face contorted into a monstrous mask of hatred, until finally he could contain his wrath no longer.

"I'll teach you to mock me, Potter!!!" and with that he jabbed his wand forwards, and screeched "AVADA KEDAVRA!!" at the top of his lungs.

A sudden crack split the atmosphere between them like the breaking of the world, as a blinding white bolt of light shot out of the end of Voldemort's wand, and slammed into Harry's chest.

Harry's face went blank in shock as his senseless body toppled backwards like sapling in a storm, but not before an equally blinding blast of energy was expelled from the tip of his own wand.

The counter curse of the phoenix tail diminished Voldemort's Unforgivable curse just enough to prevent it from being fatal, by invoking the priori incantatem of Harry's wand. As Harry hit the floor, his last spell hit Voldemort full in the face.

It just happened to be a love charm he had been attempting to cast on Cho Cang in the Great Hall the night before. Only Harry wasn't very good at love charms, and for three hours Cho had believed herself to be Merlin the Happy Pig.

Madame Pomfrey had just persuaded her to stop oinking ecstatically by shoving her head into a large bucket of kitchen scraps when she came to again. The shock of waking up on all fours with a mouthful of potato peelings and cold tea bags had sent Cho straight back into hysterics, and she had been carted off to the hospital wing amid the sounds of violent retching. Somehow Harry didn't think he stood much of a chance with her anymore.

"Whoooo-eeee!!!" giggled Voldemort as he fell to his knees. "Oink oink! I'm Merlin the Happy Pig!!" he cried merrily, and promptly started rooting around for truffles.

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A/N: HAHAHA!! Take that Volders! I've never written an HP fic before, so please tell me what you think!